theyearsafter50

I watch with interest the changes to my hands. The nobs. The skin changes. The dark spots. It’s the roadmap of my life. Some of you may know what I’m taking about. A lifetime of typing, taking care of children, gardening, etc. are all shown on our hands.

There are a million articles on the internet about how to “fix” your hands. To get rid of the nobs on your joints. Smooth your skin. Get rid of the age spots. I say – F*** it! to all that. This is me. My hands are changing. They look older. Life.

I look at my hands with awe. I use them as a reminder of all that I’ve accomplished!

It’s no news that things change as we get older. Aging “well” does not have to be about paying for changes to your body (although no judgment there … getting older means we can shed judgment!) but I think aging well is to living fully, one day at a time. Really loving yourself and those around you, appreciating all the beauty, and squeezing every minute out of every day.

I used to think my dog walk in the morning was an opportunity to get things done. Look at my phone. Get my heart rate up. But I’ve changed. Now I take awe walks . I make sure that I see the beauty in five things every morning —one for each of my kids, one for Lily and, of course, one for me. It forces me to concentrate on something other than my knees, or how tired I might feel or even what’s coming up that day.

Recently I looked in the mirror (at my hair, which I’ve never liked) and realized that I’m not going to change it. I’m done with that anxiety producing part of my life! I don’t have to change anything more about me! We now get to embrace and love ourselves. This, my friends, is the joy of these life changes. It’s really freedom.

Let’s flip the narrative of invisibility. Of our kids moving away, which leaves us missing them and wondering what’s next and who we are. Let’s look at our changes with awe. With admiration. We earned all of these changes and now is our time to enjoy them.

Me and my beautifully worn hands are off for our awe walk. I am smiling at all the joy my hands experienced thus far, and the more joyous experiences to come!

XOXO

Jessica

Some of you know that I have a dog who has been pretty sick lately. This landed us in the emergency vet hospital at 4 am on Sunday morning. Dehydrated and really not feeling well, this 55 pound dog laid in my arms for the hours we waited for the doctor.

About an hour after we walked in a woman came in (maybe in her 70’s? I’m a terrible judge of age as I get older!). She had a black lab who was having a lot of trouble walking and she had a gentle leader on him.

I couldn’t help but listen to her talk with the receptionist. He had dementia, more than 10 years old, and had been throwing up for the last few days. She had no idea what was going on or what to do. The receptionist was so loving. Once the woman got checked in and sat down, we chatted a bit and then she moved to a different part of the clinic so as not to bother Lily, who was sleeping in my arms.

I heard her phone ring at some point and she started telling the person that she was at the emergency vet. Then I heard her voice crack and say, “I don’t know what I’m going to do. He’s all I have.”

F***. Oh man.

Here I was, sitting with our own puppy who has been sick for a year+ and I’m listening to something even more heartbreaking! She sat quietly listening to the person on the phone, I could hear this woman crying, and then she got off the phone as her dog wanted to move around.

I wondered what the person on the line said to this woman. I wondered what she would do when her dog was gone. I wondered about how I would deal with that situation. I also wondered if I have been loving and understanding enough when this has happened to my friends.

I started to run through in my mind things to say: “I’m sorry for your loss.” “You loved him for his whole life.” “He loved being with you.” Then I realized that what I’ve missed is that when we lose a pet, just like losing a human, firsts are the worst. So, maybe something like, “It may be hard the first time you go to the park or for a walk and I’d love to join you to do that whenever you’re ready.”

I don’t know. I am so not prepared for this moment. Really not. I don’t think we ever are.

All I know is that on that morning, I was reminded that we just don’t know how people feel or what they are going through in any given moment and the grace we give is really the most important gift we can give each other.

XOXO

Jessica

I was out for a run Wednesday with my peeps (shout out to my running family!) and finished my last couple of miles myself. As I was wrapping up my last mile, I passed a woman. She was bundled up in a way I didn’t expect as it was rather nice out. Her head was down and I passed her as she was going the same way I was (so I just saw her back). She was walking very slowly and I said, “hi” as I passed by.

On my way back I saw her still walking—incredibly slowly (now I was running toward her) and she looked awful. Clearly crying and IDK, there was just something about her. I’ve seen so many videos on my feed lately with people sending messages like “help me,” that I felt the need to stop. I did and simply asked if I could help. This woman (now I could see she was a young woman) looked up. I asked again, “Can I help?”

Turns out, her story is my story, is your story…

Her mom died about 4 months ago in a house nearby (she pointed somewhere but I was unfamiliar with the neighborhood). It was her last parent alive. She had lived with her mom while she was sick and every morning she would take a walk along this street. She would watch the cars whiz by and listen to the leaves in the trees and pray that her mom would be ok. Since her mom’s death, she has come back to the house every morning and walks the same walk. She says she’s late for work every day but (she’s crying now) she feels so afraid to not come and do this same walk every day … afraid it will cause her to forget her mother.

Oh man. I had no idea what to say. She acknowledged that this could not go on forever but she could not stop this walk. I hesitated for a moment (and what rushed through my mind was that I have forgotten my own mom’s voice … a fact that quickly caused me to choke up). I then reminded her that it is not a betrayal of her memories of her mom, to change the morning walk. I told her that when I feel sad, and I still do, I try to look for clues or signs that my mom is still “with” me. S***, I felt at a total loss. I wish I had more in that moment. I hugged her and finished my run.

Later that day, in a totally weird quirk of fate (and not at all in my plan for the day), I ended up at the food co-op which was the last place my mom ate before she died. It was her favorite place to shop. How strange … I almost never go there. I didn’t realize what was happening until as a left someone who was outside asking for money on the street said “Have a special day.” Something my mom used to say.

Here I thought I met that woman earlier for her … but maybe it really was for me.

Give yourself grace on a day you are sad about someone who is no longer here. Thank them for giving you a moment to think about and love them even though they are gone.

Thanks mom! I may have forgotten your voice, but I get that you are still with me every day.

XOXO

Jessica

I’ve been having the most interesting conversations with women who have grown kids. Everyone has something a little different to say about their experiences. Like, “I’m not sure who I am,” or “I’m trying to figure out what I like now because all I did was things for my kids.” Recently I heard, “I find myself only as happy as my most unhappy child” … (serious, but sometimes true, statement).

So, what is this all about? What are we supposed to be thinking or feeling? Is there a supposed to be thinking?

As a mama of grown kids, it’s hard to admit that we have forgotten a little (read/a lot!) about who we are. We start to think about the next chapter, while at the same time feeling shocked that the last chapter is over. What do we want in our lives? Who are we? What will our relationships be with our grown kids? What will our relationship be with ourselves?

The answer(s)?

I haven’t a f***ing clue!

Here’s what I do know:

1. It is ok to feel lost. It makes sense. Be ok with that. Tell your friends you feel lost sometimes. We love you and support whatever you’re feeling.
2. Be ok in the white space. That space where you have nothing planned. Take that moment to think about your parents. Thank them (if only in your mind) for loving you even when you didn’t call very often.
3. Be ok with the job you did. As a parent, I sucked sometimes and I was great sometimes. But in the end, I did the best I could! (so cliché, but true).
4. Know that the longest part of your relationship with your kids is just now starting. What do you want it to look like? I find myself playing the intermittent life coach. I’m loving this role. I liken this to being on the emergency crew for a Formula One race car—immediate need and then they speed away!
5. Be the adorer. For you. I’m really not sure what this means but I hear this a lot … “Jessica, do something nice for you.” I’m exploring this right now (stay tuned). Currently, I’m hoping that watching Golden Girls counts as doing something for me!

I don’t have any answers today. But for me, being a mama has changed in the amount of time (and energy) (which sometimes is super cool!) But being a mama has not changed in the amount of heart.

Text them that you love them, feel thankful that you have a nice long relationship ahead of you, and then enjoy the beautiful sunrise … for you!

XOXO

I got a box of chocolates recently. As I was looking at it, trying to decide which piece to eat first, I remembered how I felt as a child with a box of chocolates. At the time, I would pick one, not really thinking about it, eat it and then try the next. But this box made me think that my number of chocolates is finite. I no longer get endless pieces. So, what should I do about that? How can I enjoy each one intensely?
 
Frankly, this one small box of chocolates got me really thinking (as you can tell!) and I ended up writing down four (+) “life wants” as I enjoyed my first piece with a cup of coffee:

1. I want to jettison absurd humans who, despite their chronological age, haven’t grown up. Or those who are so self-absorbed that they don’t care about who they hurt or what they do in life.
2. I want to spend time with people who are humans, real humans, who know how to laugh at their mistakes, and who are not inflated by their triumphs, and who take on their responsibilities. 
3. I want to defend human dignity. I want to move towards truth and honesty.
4. I want to surround myself with people who know how to touch hearts, people who have been taught by the hard blows of life and who can help me grow my soul and will allow me the privilege of helping them.

There’s no question that I have less time going forward, than I have had the wonderful fortune of thus far. That’s obvious, not sad, but obvious. And, even though I want to eat my chocolates slowly, I guess I am in bit of a hurry. I mean, I’m in a hurry to live with the intensity that only the grace of maturity can give.
 
I don’t want to waste one more piece of chocolate on stupid thoughts, fears or selfish people. My goal is to reach the end satisfied and having eaten all that I want to.
 
Yes, we have two lives. My second one has begun. And, it includes all of you. Join me!

XOXO

Jessica

I met someone this weekend. Totally random because I’ve not been out of the house much at all (still a lot of dog-separation anxiety). Somehow we got to talking about life, and then death and then he mentioned that his mother had passed away last year. She had a bout with cancer (second time), and she didn’t want to continue the fight.

He told me that during the first bout they almost lost her. He was much younger and really didn’t know how to say good-bye. At the time they were so caught up in the situation rather than being in the moment. Had he lost her then, he said, he would have had so many loose (life) ends. The second time, he was able to say all that he wanted to (including good-bye) and spend the time that he needed. I was shocked at how open he was about his life experiences … this was like a 7-minute chat!

During our conversation, I started to cry (typical, I know). This time from July 4 to August 21 is always hard for me (her six weeks from diagnosis to death). And, interestingly enough, I always meet someone during this period …

Anyway, he reminded me that saying goodbye to someone we care about can be one of the most difficult things we ever do. However, good-byes can be a second chance for growth and personal development. For him, he was able to focus on the positive nature of his mom’s influence on his life. And his ability to be more present with other people. He asked me what positive came out of my mom’s death. Of course, it was my relationship with my dad and frankly my ability to know how to say good-bye when his time came near (his was six weeks from diagnosis to death too).

I’m not sure the reason for that chance meeting or this post. But maybe it’s to remind us to find the positive aspect of all that is difficult and painful. Maybe it’s to not rush through our relationships, friendships, our days or our experiences. It’s funny, but despite crying (read: sobbing) with a stranger, I left feeling so happy and full of purpose about life. Gosh, maybe that was the reason for the meeting …

Regardless, hope you have a great start to your week!

xoxo Jessica

This word has been at the fore of my mind lately. Of course, it comes up a lot at work given that I’m an employment attorney and people are stressed out at work. But even more so lately, it’s been a major source of conversation at home.

Since our move, Lily, our dog, is suffering from some serious anxiety. She will not leave my side, she is fearful of almost everything and really has not slept much. We have gotten some great advice on how to help her manage the change. But her anxiety has affected all of us and it made me think about how anxiety in humans affects not just the individual but those that love the individual.

I’m sure some of you can relate to how I’m feeling with a dog who doesn’t want to leave my side. Remember when you were home all day with kids and as soon as your partner came home, you bolted (you literally could be walking out the door as you were already dressed and had your keys in your hand!)? Or when a walk through Target was a vacation? When getting gas and watching the TV above the pump was entertainment? I used to go through the car wash because it was so loud and drowned out the world!

Yesterday, my son came home for a bit and I begged him to watch her so I could run to the grocery store. When he texted me that he had to leave 35 minutes later, I almost cried! He knew I needed out so he stayed and was late to meet his friends — I shortened my trip and ran home. At that point I realized, Lily’s anxiety was not only affecting her, it was affecting all of us.

Poor pup. She slept for the first time today and frankly, it felt like heaven. I did laundry, I cleaned the floors, I organized my closet and I had a snack and a warm cup of coffee without our four legged fur baby at my feet looking up at me with those eyes! Tomorrow, I’m going to try to leave and walk around the block. Maybe I’ll even go get myself an Americano!

Lily will get through this, but not with out love and care from her humans. But in order for us to give her that love and care, we need to take care of ourselves. When I was fried from the move, I didn’t have a lot to give Lily. It probably affected her.

To my friends who are taking care of someone else (for whatever reason), PLEASE take time for you. It’s easy to forget and critically important to remember—you can only truly be there for others, if you are taking care of yourself. Even something like five minutes alone with a cup of coffee, or a call with a friend, can be enough to re-energize.

If any of you feel like taking a walk with me and Lily, let us know. If we’re busy, it’s because we’re taking care of ourselves and enjoying the outdoors!

XOXO

Jessica

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Woman working through her second half of life are the most interesting humans on the planet for so many reasons — here are 10 of them!

1. Life’s complexity increases with her age. She is now multi-dimensional and layered. She has done all the heavy lifting of school, work and children.
2. She has lived more than one story. In fact, she’s lived many stories and all of them more interesting than the last.
3. She’s navigated numerous relationships with various roles, people, lengths and depths.
4. She knows what she means and says it as well.
5. She also knows what it means to carry hurt and loss. She is able to navigate through it all.
6. She’s had multiple titles and identities.
7. Her life is now expanding. But at the same time she’s able to navigate it’s contraction as well.
8. She is fresh! She’s new to this phase of life and it feels like starting all over again. She’s energized!
9. She’s not taking any freaking shit from anyone!
10. She sees the moments (or now has the time to see the moments) finally.

I ask you to help me change the one shortcoming of this phase of life, which is the societal diminishing and invisibility of women over 50. How do we avoid this? We need to tell our stories. Tell them to our kids and to our friends. Write them. Put them on social media. Find a great therapist and let go of all the pain and loss from before 50 so you can blossom in this time after 50. We have profound gifts and sharing them with other women will enhance not only our lives but those of generations to come (and will help the men in our lives!).

To my over 50 friends, I see you. I cherish you. I want to hear and be part of your stories in your over 50 time. Have an amazing day!

XOXO

Jessica

She told me how proud and excited she was for me. Her life has not been as she had “planned.” She wished she had left her husband years ago. She tried but he convinced her to come back. She’s never been entirely happy. Now he’s quickly declining with Alzheimer’s. She feels trapped. She can’t leave now. I suppose he feels trapped, but in a different and very sad way. But I’m doing what she has wanted to do for many years. I don’t detect any jealousy. We all choose our path. I felt real happiness from her to me. It made me cry and we hugged as we said good-bye.

Her excitement for me is my move. A move that will occur in four hours, when the dawn comes and the moving trucks arrive. I’ve been here 24 years. A million memories. A million lifetimes, but yet, one lifetime ending and another one beginning.

Rather than my normal meditation today, I just sat in the meditation chair from my sons. With my eyes open. Looking out in the backyard. Listening to the birds one last time. Remembering all the memories. Kids running around. Kids fighting. Kids laughing. Parties. Rain. Snow. Hail. Homework and more homework. Twenty-four years.

I have million thoughts. I have so much to write. And I will. But, for now, I really need a cup of coffee before these movers arrive. It will be a day, for sure.

More to come.

Love you all.

Jessica

It is that time of year again for Jews who believe that during the time between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur (the Day of Atonement), G-d inscribes people’s names either into the book of life, the book of death, or a third “neither here nor there” book on Rosh Hashanah. During the ten “terrible” days between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, people have a chance to change their fate if they repent enough. As tradition goes, the books are sealed on Yom Kippur, and so people’s fates are sealed. What do they say gets you into the Book of Life? Charity, repentance and prayer.

I think a lot about repentance. There are many people I let down or could do better with each year. But I’ve come to the realization recently that there is one person to whom I need to apologize to this year (and maybe every year), and that’s me. We always put ourselves last when we should be first.

Let’s remember one key point here: Life is more about rewriting your story rather than writing it. In other words, if you don’t like what’s been written on your page, tear it out or erase it and start over. You are not stuck. You can rewrite your page, your story, your day, your week or your year.

The Jews are on to something. We should be thankful that G-d puts us in the Book of Life each year. But also, we should be grateful that we received another year.

On this Yom Kippur, I have decided to focus on me. I’m continually rewriting my own story and you should too. I’m going to make space to enjoy “additional” experiences, spend time with friends and family and slow down this fast-paced ride a bit to hear the leaves rustle in the trees (although I totally enjoy my fast-paced life!).

No question—we are here to make contributions—to leave a positive footprint and do for others. But we must first be in love with, and have time for, our own footprint!

So, to my family and friends, on this holiday no matter what you believe or in whom (or even if you don’t believe), I pray that you are inscribed in the Book of Life—but, using your own ink. 🙂

XOXO

Jessica