My radio silence.

I’ve not written in a couple of days.  Earlier this week I had to make a big decision about something in my life and I just wasn’t sure which direction to go.  I should have written about it … it might have helped.  But it was one of those not-for-public-consumption decisions that I had to make first, then execute, then I could talk about.

Here’s something I learned in the process – I’m not entirely honest with myself.  I tend to want to avoid any indication that I’m unhappy.  Even to myself.  So, for example, in this case, I didn’t know what decision I was going to make until the very moment I was faced with the decision.  And, then as I was sitting there, through a face full of tears, I realized that I had been so unhappy for so long that the decision was obvious.

How did I not see it a year ago?  What was I hiding from myself?  I really try hard to make situations in my life actually work.   Why?  Because I like to avoid the appearance (maybe just to myself) of “failure.”   But, here’s what I’ve said before (and why I didn’t use it on myself this last year, I’ll never know!) – there’s no such thing as failure.

I love the story about Thomas Edison who was approached by a reporter and asked: “How does it feel to have failed a thousand times?” The great inventor responded, “I have not failed a thousand times. I have not failed once. I have succeeded in proving that those thousand ways will not work. When I have eliminated the ways that will not work, I will find the way that will work.”  After several thousand more of these “successes,” Edison finally found the one that worked and then invented the light bulb.

This last year I was so afraid that if I admitted that a decision I made wasn’t working, that I would appear as a failure.  I was so afraid that I simply ignored my own feelings and pretended to myself that it was OK.  That’s the worst kind of pretending … when we do it to ourselves.  Instead, I should have been confident enough (if even to myself) to acknowledge that this “success” was not going to be the right one, and move on.  I didn’t.  But, maybe it gave me the opportunity to learn more about myself.  I guess being the young age of 51, I still have a lot to learn.

Failure is an imaginary thing; it’s just the outcome of everything and anything we do. It’s really just an attitude about results that are different from the ones we anticipated.

I’m going to welcome myself back to my blog and my feelings!  It only took me a year to find them. 🙂

Have a great day and stay warm!

 

 

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