I used to call my dad every morning. He would answer his phone and say “Hello honey [clearing his throat]. You’re the first person I’ve talked with this morning.” I felt honored to be his first call.

That’s not my reality. Here’s how it goes in my house right now:

Me: It’s only 4 am? Why are we up?

Dog: Silence but cute face looking at me.

Me: Go back to bed. Just because I pee 4 times a night doesn’t mean you have to go.

Dog: [Stare down by the dog. Truth is, she didn’t need to go. She was just faking me out]

Me: [Frustrated] Fine. I’m going to get up and make some coffee.

Dog: [nothing. not even a raise of her head to look at me]

Me: Ok. I’m getting up now. Sure you don’t want to come?

Dog: Nothing

Yesterday, I found myself talking with the dog about a problem I’m working on. What is wrong with me? My first words every morning are to a dog, who I’m pretty sure doesn’t understand [nor does she seem to care] what I am saying. In fact, she doesn’t even understand, “come” (which is really pissing me off right now). On our walks, I’m literally talking with her, as if she knows what I’m saying. But, she just looks up at me, maybe wondering if I’ll have a treat for her. Literally, by 8 am, I’ve had entire conversations with a dog, who is only is concerned with “food” “ball” “park” “treat” and “bone.”

As if that’s not bad enough, the next thing I do is get on Snapchat and start talking to my phone – messaging my kids about random shit that I assume goes no where with them (other than my [failed] efforts to keep our Snapchat streak going). What is wrong with me?

I used to say to my kids that watching Sponge Bob dumbed down America. But I now take that back. I’m dumbing down America – or at least I’m dumbing down the only life forms in my house right now – me and the dog. I’m hoping someone is praying for me … can I teach the dog to do that??? 🙂