Look, I’ve given birth to three kids, two at one time. I have an ex-husband and can survive in front of some of the toughest judges. But there’s nothing like the baring of your soul during a mammogram in a cold, dimly lit room to bring you to your knees. Guys, you won’t get this but for my women friends, you know what I’m talking about.

Today was my day. It was a zippy 15 minute appointment. It’s not as loving as it was pre-covid. Back then, you would get warm tea or coffee and a bunch of magazines to look at. Now, you are checked in on line and there is no coffee or magazines.

First of all, I think it’s important to remember (which I often do NOT) that you are not to wear any deodorant or thick body lotion on the day of the mammogram as it shows up on the x-ray. If you do, you are banished to a room to “take it all off” so that you can be clean for the machine. Today, I remembered (hence “zippy”)!

It seems like it will be easy. You are greeted by a nice volunteer and given a robe to change into. There is nice music. Warm lights. Nice chairs.

The rest is not for the faint of heart. There is a jaws of life machine that does the most unbelievable things. I just never realized (prior to my first mammo) that a body part could be flattened down to a pancake and for that long and still come back to whence it came. The wonders of the human body.

My biggest problem on mammogram day, is that during the scan, I completely forget my right from my left. I don’t know what it means to stand on tippy toes or move my feet so they face the machine. I really just become a bumbling idiot responding (without words) to the directions from the technician. I don’t even know how to talk (I almost never talk in there — shocking, right?). All I do is breathe and “hold your breathe.”

Look, I am infinitely grateful for mammograms. Saved millions of lives. I’m not complaining. I’m just saying that not matter how zippy it is, I still always need a shot of Jack when it’s over … just sayin’.