I went out last night with someone. Very nice, interesting and smart and at the end of the evening, I got the question: “What are you looking for?” I stumbled over my words. And, in typical lawyer fashion, I answered with a non-answer.

On the way home I kept asking myself “What the f*** are you looking for?”

I’m in the back nine, so shouldn’t I be looking for something? Like shouldn’t I be looking to take advantage of all the things I’ve not experienced thus far? Trying to “fit it all in?” My boys wish I would date, so I won’t be “alone.” I get it. I hear them. But do I need that to make me less alone? Am I alone? Honestly, I’ve never felt less alone.

So what gives?

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying “I’m fine.” There are serious issues in my life I would like to fix. I have a kid who is very unhappy with me. I miss her. I have a dog that is not healthy. I wish I could fix that. I could use more headspace. I’m working on that. But if you asked me if there was something that is missing … something I’m looking for, for me. I would say no. Nothing.

This is not me avoiding self-care. It’s not that I don’t enjoy life. In fact, I think this is me finally putting self-care on the front burner. This is me totally enjoying the now!

I want to be around people I love. I want to hear the sound of the trees, the rain and the wind. I want to listen to jazz. But I’m not looking for all that, I’m just experiencing it. I’m just grateful to get up every day and do whatever it is that comes my way.

But I also want to address this notion or fear of being “alone.” We have this fetish with being alone. Like the “best” obits are when it says, “He died surrounding by all of his friends and family.” Sheesh, so, it’s supposed to be bad if you die alone without a billion people standing over you? What are we so afraid of?

Why can’t we just enjoy being alone? I think we have a screwed up definition of alone. I have friends in marriages that say they feel alone. So, what does that mean?

Here’s my thinking, getting older is when we finally have the opportunity to get closer to ourselves. It is the one thing we avoid as we quickly move through life, having kids, raising them, etc.

This my friends, is LOVE. Self-love. You can do it in a relationship. You can do it in a marriage. You can do it when you’re single. When we feel more connected to ourselves, we can so much more easily connect with others. Then, we can give to others without taking from ourselves, right?

So the answer to the question is … I don’t need anything. I have me.

I’m going to take that one to the bank in this wonky market. 🙂

XOXO