theyearsafter50

Before I went to law school, I was in a relationship that I needed to leave.  I felt bad doing it because this person needed my help, and I was the “helper.”  But, I knew it was time to go.  Over a big glass of wine, a friend suggested I try a certain visualization.  I had no idea what she was talking about and I never tried it.

Last week, an acquaintance of mine told me that it was time to leave a long marriage and he was heartbroken about doing so.  He felt that he had a cord or (soul) tie to this person and he didn’t know how to let go.  I felt sad.  Life can be so difficult sometimes.

However, as he was talking, that old visualization came to my mind.  As if I could finally understand what my friend was telling me oh-so-many years ago.  I shared it with him and I thought I might share it with you too.  I think it’s meant for all relationships or situations where we have to move on but feel bad/sad/scared doing so.  Hopefully it won’t take you 30 years (like me) to understand it:

Visualize a beautiful walking bridge in your mind. Imagine yourself standing on the far end of this bridge. Now imagine the person you are wanting to cut the cord with or end the relationship with, is standing on the opposite end of the bridge. When you feel ready, you must first begin walking toward the person.  Allow the person to walk toward you, meeting you half way. Once you are with in eye contact with one another you can begin your inner dialog.  Tell the person what your feelings are. This is not a time to be angry or be holding grudges – you are releasing the ties. Tell the person that you are sorry for all of the things you said or did that hurt him/her. Tell him/her that you are forgiving him/her for all the hurtful things that were said or done in your relationship. Say your good-byes, wishing each other well in your separateness. Turn around and walk off the bridge.  You may feel that the other person remains on the bridge.  Sometimes takes longer for the other person to disconnect from your energy.  You just keep walking.

I’ve tried to teach my children this valuable lesson: There will be times where we have to move on from a relationship or situation.  Where the energy is damaging or negative or just not right and holding us back.  Don’t feel bad.  If you are living your truth and doing it with love in your heart, it will be alright.

Have a wonderful start to your day!

 

Yes, I know – appreciate the time you have with them.  Enjoy it before it’s gone.  But if you have teenagers, chances are they’re driving you crazy.  Well … mine are.  So many stupid moves, stupid statements, and attempts to just piss me off.  I’m DONE!  I’ve decided – why should they have all the fun?  Why can’t I find some ways to piss them off?

1. I’m going to talk like a text message.  It seems like it’ll be easier to say IDK instead of explaining all of my reasoning on things.  I’m tired of justifying my decisions. So from now on, I’m going to respond to their cries, “Why?”  with “IDK.”  Or I might even try this: “WDYWFD” rather than asking them “What Do You Want For Dinner.”  Or maybe I’ll just put some cold food on the table and say “Hashtag Dinner,” and see what happens!

2. I’m going to friend them and their friends on all social media sites.  And as a bonus, I’m going to start responding to their posts … things like, “Love you Honey!”  “Cute outfit!.”  “Love that selfie!”

3.  I’m going to be on social media sites so much that I’m not going to look up any more and certainly not make eye contact with them.  When I go to the bathroom, I’ll tweet about it. Doing laundry?  Tweet.  Need them to take out the garbage?  #Garbage Now.

4. I’m going to start singing in the car with the windows down when I pick them up from practice/school/etc.  Won’t they just love my awesome singing?!

5. When they need something I’m going to say, “Just a minute, let me finish this game.”  I’ll have to find a game but I think I’m capable of that.  Any suggestions?

6. I’m going to start mixing the colors of my clothes, hat and gloves when I go out in public with them.  Isn’t this the season to wear red and green?  I got some cool bunny slippers that I can drive in.  Why not look insane?  They think I am anyway.

So, I’m not sure if this will help the total chaos in my house.  But at least I’ll have some fun and be wearing comfortable clothes doing so.  I better up my data plan!

Have a great day!

She was in a chair, drying her nails, when I sat next to her.  I could tell she was not feeling well.  And, the scarf covering her head was the tell-tale sign.  I started a conversation and our small talk turned to serious talk and she told me she was at the end of her battle.  But, she said, “the cancer isn’t going to win because it’s dying with me.”  Mother of three, teens and twenty-something.  She’d been battling for a few years.  But, now she was going to stop fighting and live.

I asked if she minded a personal question (of course she said “no”).  I wanted to know how she got through her days not crying or feeling scared about leaving.  (I cried asking her the question and she gave me a Kleenex from her purse – as if she kept them for those of us who couldn’t keep it together!).  She started talking (I felt like I wanted to take notes but that seemed rude) and I was mesmerized by our conversation.  Here’s what I got:

1. “I’m thankful I get to say good-bye my way and on my time. How great is it?”    She told me that at her stage of the game, you find the joy in everything, including saying good-bye.  She said, that it was hard sometimes but she just takes one moment at a time.  She said she closed her eyes as her feet were being massaged at the salon.  She didn’t read a magazine or talk with anyone — she just enjoyed the wonderful feeling of the moment.

2.The notion of “do it yourself” goes away quickly. Life is all about being with others. When you’re dying you understand that idea. People who unconditionally love you, make your life brighter.  Plus, she said to me, “You never really die alone.”

3. Everything is beautiful and the little things mean the world.

4. Nothing makes you angry.  Don’t waste your energy on a negative emotion.

5. From the day we’re born, we’re in the process of dying – so we’re all heading her direction.  She told me that she wished (pre-diagnosis) she’d lived her life thinking about the idea each day.  Before – she just assumed she’d get another day.  Now, she doesn’t make that assumption.

She said so much more:  How she planned a video to say good-bye at the funeral;  How gentle the cold crisp air felt on her face; And, how unafraid she had become of death.

Before she left, she reminded me that we never know what’s in store for us.

This past weekend I lost it with one of my boys (topic for another post) and afterwards, I got in bed and prayed that I would be able to say I was sorry the next morning.

Life’s super short.  Treat people as if it’s the last day you’ll see them. Enjoy the cool air on your face.  Get your nails done!  And, have an amazing day.

 

I hear this from my kids all the time. And it’s an awesome feeling every time they say it – Thanks kids for being so loving to me!  But, this week two people (other than my family) said these three words to me.  One male. One female.  I just need to share with you something important about it.

There are many ways to express love: Flowers, cards, food (Italian thing), gifts, food (Jewish thing).  I was once in a relationship where whenever I thought of the words, “I love you,” and we were in a place where I couldn’t say it out loud, I would squeeze his hand.  He knew ahead of time what that meant – and it made him smile.  I was also in a relationship with someone who told me that he didn’t need to tell me he loved me because I should just know it.  (Folks, please don’t try this one at home!).  Guess we know how that ended. 🙂

Putting an “I” before anything makes it important.  “I’m hurt.”  “I’m so happy when I’m with you,” “I want to get the f*** out of here …”  (sorry, I digress!).  Sometimes it’s hard to hear someone say I love you and really have it sink in. We feel scared, unsure and vulnerable.  Sometimes people say it but they don’t love themselves enough to really mean it.  Sometimes people say it because they want something else.  And some people feel like we want to say it to everyone (and we mean it).  Ahh, it’s all so complicated, isn’t it?

I know this for sure:

This tiny sentence – “I Love You” – comprises the most powerful string of words in the world. It’s what we all long to hear. It’s what we all deserve to hear.

And, saying “I love you” really takes it from your heart to theirs.  It means something perfect in an imperfect world and likely an imperfect (but perfect) relationship.

When you examine any day of your life, how many times do you use those three words, “I love you?”  How many times do you hear it?  How is it that we said it a million times to our children but as everyone got older, we forget the importance of saying it?  Why do we shorten it – “love ya”?  Why not include the “I” and really say it and mean it every time?

So, allow me to say – Thank You – to the two people who said, “I love you” to me this week.  Both in very different contexts and both gave me the most beautiful feeling inside.  I’m still carrying it around with me and it feels as wonderful as the moment it was said.

Friends, please share this idea and say these three words – “I love you,” whenever you can.  No one grows tired of hearing it.  And frankly, can you think of a better way to start, be in the middle of, or finish a day?  I can’t!

I hope you all have an amazing weekend. XOXO

I want the easy jobs.  It’s like when my mom  was dying – she didn’t ask me to keep my kitchen clean, hold down a job and raise three kids — no, she asked me to pass some legislation that she hadn’t gotten passed herself!  And now here my friend was asking me to help her do something I often have trouble doing for myself.  S***!

Two days later another friend told me that when she was trying to save her marriage she had constant headaches.  As soon as they split, the headaches left.  Her “therapist” said it was her body screaming at her to get unstuck!  Clearly something was “screaming” at me to write about this.

No matter how driven or self-aware we are, we all go through periods when we feel stuck.  Sometimes it’s easy to see: weight gain, avoidance of people and tasks, negativity and becoming critical of others (and ourselves). Sometimes, it isn’t so easy to identify. We just know, there’s some cognitive dissonance – that there are differing feelings between how we want to be and how we are. We try “just changing our mind” but it doesn’t work.  We’re stuck.

While I do have a few “tools” for untying the knotted laces I trip over at times, I’m far from knowing how to do this.  But, over a glass of wine, I’m willing to share (almost) anything!:

1. Accept it:  When we ignore the flags waving wildly in our face, we’re begging to stay stuck.  When you acknowledge the problem you go from being a passenger to the driver. Step one.

2. It will pass: When you’re in a rut it feels like you’ll never break free.  But, just understanding that this is simply a phase will take the pressure off the need to do something NOW.

3.  Exercise: Yes, this is my SOP.  But seriously, even a brisk walk helps.  You’ll be amazed how much “thinking” you can do when exercising.

4. Make a list: Write down your thoughts about X, (X being the subject you’re stuck on).  I’ve got reams of paper where I’ve written down my thoughts when I’ve felt stuck.  Lately, I’ve taken to writing on my phone (Hmmm, I hope I don’t lose my phone!).

5. Permission to feel:  I give myself permission to feel bad, scared, or even  like s***.  It allows me to be authentic and it’s a reminder that it can only get better.  Actually, when I give myself permission, I usually choose happy instead.

6. Decide you’re ready:  We often wonder if this is it …is this our destiny?  It’s not!!  If you feel stuck then you’re in the wrong place.  Align your actions with the place you want to be, visualize it, focus on how to get there and eventually you’ll find the way!

It’s normal (and ok) to get “stuck.”  But, it’s amazing getting “unstuck.”  And, when you do, you’ll feel mentally and physically healthier and happier and you’ll wonder what took you so long!

Have a great day!

 

You may wonder if I’m the right person for this topic.  But, maybe being divorced makes me just the right one to write on this complicated but exquisitely beautiful topic.  Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about love: What is it?  Why do people “fall out of love?”  What is “forever” love?  And how is it we can feel so many different kinds of love?

Much of our lives are spent on messages about love:  “You’ll meet the ‘one.'”  “You’ll know within seconds of your first meeting.”  “He/she is the ‘one’ if you have the best sex (hard to argue this one!), the most in common, like the same food, politics, etc.”

We know we’ll love our kids, pets, family (most times) but it’s a bit more complicated when the message is to search for that one soul mate – that one you’ll love forever.

Here’s my take on love:  Love’s not just a feeling; it’s a choice, a commitment, an intention.  Love brings color to our lives. But, love can (and will) change over time and sometimes it’s not forever.

Let’s be honest (what the h*** else are we going to do?):  Very few people look across the room and “just know” – without question, without doubt that they’ve found the “one.”  And even if you do find the one – you’ll likely still have ups, downs and even doubts.  I believe in doubt.  Doubt is a sign of an introspective, intelligent person.  I worry the most about those who are “certain” about any thing.   Doubt is actually the doorway into transformation – not just for you, but for your love relationship. Doubt challenges assumptions and the status quo.  It allows you to find common ground while also staying true to your feelings and your needs.

Here’s my favorite quote about the totality of love:

[Love] can be light as the hug we give a friend or heavy as the sacrifices we make for our children.  It can be romantic, platonic, familial, fleeting, everlasting, conditional, unconditional, imbued with sorrow, stoked by sex, sullied by abuse, amplified by kindness, twisted by betrayal, deepened by time, darkened by difficulty, leavened by generosity, nourished by humor, and “loaded with promises and commitments” that we may or may not want or keep. The best thing you can possibly do with your life is to tackle the crap out of love.  Cheryl Strayed

Yes!  Tackle the love you have (regardless of where it’s coming from).  Give as much out as you can.  Don’t worry about it being “forever.”  Some love will be and some won’t.  And, even when it’s not – it’s still a life experience, of which we have a finite amount.  Plus, love is completely free (and if it’s not … it’s not the love you wanted anyway). 🙂

So, my friends, I hope you have a great (and loving) start to your week!

 

 

I had a hearing in St. Paul this week. I parked a few blocks away and walked to the courthouse. As I was coming down the street, there was a man in front of me pushing a grocery cart full of what looked to be junk. I rifled through my purse and as I came up to him I said, “Happy Holidays,” and handed him some money. He stopped to look at me.  I felt like he was looking right through me.

His face was like a crisp black and white photo – the most beautiful big but worn eyes, skin full of wrinkles, a scruffy beard and what appeared to be a million layers of clothes. He said, “Thanks,” as he then looked down at my boots.  I asked him where he was going on this cold day and he mumbled something I couldn’t understand other than the word, “nowhere.”

I felt like crying.  This was someone’s beautiful baby boy.  A blank slate.  And here he was, in a most difficult world, having trouble meeting the psychological requirements of society and with the inability to be warm and fed and loved.

As I walked away I realized that Thanksgiving is a day like any other day for him.  Nothing special.  Maybe he gets a free meal – but that’s it.  He doesn’t have anyone to hold him in bed or kiss him good night.  No one to ask what he’d like for breakfast.  No one to do his laundry or iron his shirts.  No one to hug him hello or good-bye.

I often get stuck dwelling in the things that are bothering me, forgetting that I have the love of my family and all of you.  I have food and I have shelter.

My brief encounter with him reminded me of the fragility of our lives, of our mental state, of our life choices and of the life choices that are made for us.

Thanksgiving feels special to me.  It’s a time where we really are all  celebrating the same thing – being thankful for what we have, who we have in our lives, and how we can help others.  Friends, lets remind ourselves and our children to be thankful for our most basic of necessities.   And to appreciate the chance to have yet another day filled with love, warmth and food (which this Thanksgiving is Chinese food with my dad!).

I’ve decided that my gift to myself is to focus externally – not internally.  Not to worry about what’s next in my life.  And to give out as much positive energy as I can to each and every one of you this holiday season.

And with that, I wish you a wonderful Thanksgiving.  No matter who you’re with or how stressful it may seem – try enjoy it.  You will never have another one just like it again.  XOXO

I want to tell you about something I learned this weekend.  But first, let me remind you of something you already know about me: I’m afraid of change.  Maybe afraid is too strong a word.  I don’t like change.  Actually, I’m a coward when it comes to change.  Why?  Why not embrace the sagging of my skin (aka – last post)?  The growing up of my kids?  We know the reason we don’t like change: We’re afraid of the unknown.

But, here’s what I learned this weekend:

The bravest people, are really cowards who go ahead anyway and keep experiencing life, even trying those things they’re afraid of.

This last month, I’ve run head on into a number of big fears.  Fear of being alone, fear of not being worthy and the fear of what life will be like when the kids leave.  When I feel fear coming, I check out.  I go in my cave.  I close my door.  I don’t read emails.  I shut down.  Know what I mean?  It’s like the bottom of life is falling out.  Like there’s nothing to grasp.  And, sometimes it really hurts.

But this weekend I realized that – Fear is a feeling not a fact.

Neuroscience has taught us that the main fear center in the human brain, the amygdala, works faster than conscious thought and is basically functioning in the human brain the same way it does in most animals including lizards (hence the term, “lizard brain”).   So, because fear works so quickly, we need to have a strategy for dealing with it.

First, we need to reprogram our blanket fear statements. Remember that even if something bad happens, that doesn’t mean that it will happen again.  Make sure you don’t keep the warm blanket on top of you too long – preventing you from moving forward.

Second, remember what neuropsychologist Rick Hanson says,”our brains are like Teflon for positive experiences and Velcro for negative ones.”  Meaning our fear highlights our painful fear experiences–even though they’re usually the minority of our overall experiences.

Third, expose yourself to the things you’re afraid of.  So, if you’re not good at asking for help, then try asking for something small from someone you know won’t make you feel bad about it.  Once you do it, you’ll know how to do it again!

Finally, create a positive link to your fear.  For example, when you do ask for something (and it works), treat yourself.  Make the experience special.  This will help create a link between the positive experience and what you thought was a fear.

So friends, let’s start this week of family, food, stress, food and a nap or two – out right.  Let’s not be afraid to step outside our caves and face our fears head on.  I have a feeling that for me (and for all of you) – it’s going to bring the most amazing changes to that which I “thought” I was afraid of.

Have an amazing day!

Well, I won’t say which of my loving children started this conversation with (or at) me but suffice it to say, they all eventually joined in. Look – flab is a natural part of getting old(er). Like burping, farting, sagging, forgetting, farting while you’re sleeping (Oh my, I digress) – it’s the joy of living in our bodies.   But, this getting old(er) thing — this flab thing, I’ve decided I’m going to embrace it rather than fight it (ok, I do try to lift weights, but it’s clearly not working!).

There are a few things, however, that are a bit more frustrating as I (we) get old(er):

Sleeping: For as long as I can remember, I had to get up early for one thing or another – kids, work, husband, work, kids, (you get the picture). Now, when I have the chance to sleep in a bit, my body essentially says, “F*** you.  I’m not letting you sleep in any more!”   In fact, not only am I not sleeping late, but I’m able to wake up in the middle of the night and check out the moon (through the bathroom window).  No justice here!

Forgetting: This week I forgot my briefcase at home, a coffee date (in my defense, we hadn’t totally “firmed” it up), the names of about 10,000 people (all of whom I’ve known forever) and where I parked my car (twice).  I really have nothing to say about this!

Nails: What’s the deal with nails and getting older?  Our toe nails get harder and thicker and more difficult to clip, while our finger nails just get thinner. Where’s the fairness in that plan?

Skin: I’ve been told I have very soft skin.  And, that may be true.  But when I look at my hands, I see a billion veins sticking out and if I squint ever so slightly, I can see my mom’s hands. When the freak did that happen?

People look 12:  Why is it that everyone looks way younger than me?  Seriously. The judges used to be older than me … not any more.  All my doctor’s are retiring and I’ve got to get all the younger people looking over my sagging parts.  Even my handyman is now younger than me.  What’s happening?

Look friends.  I’m going to embrace my aging body.  I love not having to worry about how I look all the time (what you see is what you get).  I don’t feel embarrassed talking with my hands – I’m Italian after all!  I totally enjoy the slight wrinkles near my eyes.  I love being able to say, “Been there.  Done that.”  And, finally – it’s now ok for me to cry at any time and just pawn it off to menopause.  So, my loving kids – I’m going to shake my flab anytime I can (or maybe, while I can!). And I’m going to enjoy it!

Have a great weekend everyone!

This is a blog about life, not death.  I used to volunteer in a hospice program.  It was rewarding but difficult.  And, as I watched people slowly cross over to some place else (or no place, depending on what you believe), I only saw peace.

I know someone whose dying.  He’s got a wife and a child – young.  His wife writes a blog.  Recently, she wrote about the last of his journey,

“Everyone wants to see him. I get it. I do. And if it were really my choice I’d be like oh yeah, come on in, say good bye! But, he just doesn’t want to.  It didn’t really make sense to me at first, but now I get it. No matter how many people may surround you, death is a solitary journey. In the past few days, I have seen the man who has walked beside me for four years slowly drift onto his own path, where I cannot follow. I know, though, that when it is my turn, I’ll recognize the footprints he left for me, and I won’t feel alone and I won’t feel afraid.”

Friends, there is no getting around this.  We will all go.  For some it will be earlier than others.  I want to say it doesn’t really matter when — but it does.  No one really wants to leave.  I don’t.  But – it’s out of our control.

Let’s talk about life, though.  The end, as she writes, is as important as the beginning and the middle.  It’s true, isn’t it?  How we live, who we love (and who loves us), how we set our priorities – that’s the real gift here.  Some of you may find it depressing to think about death, but it can actually improve your life.

Sometimes I ask myself: When I’m dying, what could potentially cause me regret?  Will it be the way I treated those I love?  Will it be the money I didn’t make?  The work I didn’t do?  Will it be how much time I spent with my kids and family (blood or not)?  I want to make sure the answer is “no” to it all.  I want to make sure I give life my all.

In his Commencement Speech at Stanford University Steve Jobs said: “Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important thing I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life, because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure — these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important.”

He’s dying and I want to thank him for doing so – as awful as it might feel to some.  He’s reminding us all to live our lives to the fullest.  Hug your children. Tell someone you’re mad at, how much you really do love them.  Give it all out today – for that’s all we know for sure.  The universe (and you) deserve it.

XOXO