theyearsafter50

Either I am developing new flaws or just uncovering a whole host of old ones … So, here’s my most recently discovered flaw – I can’t say “no.”

Let me clarify that I can say no to my kids, in my work life, and when I get a call for a donation to some organization where the first words in my ear are automated.  But, I have a hard time saying no when someone asks me to do or volunteer for something, that I’d really rather not do.

Being assertive and saying no, is not as easy as it sounds.  For most of us, we have difficulty standing up for ourselves.  Why is that?  Is it a fear of setting boundaries?  Is it Minnesota nice?  Is it my not wanting to make anyone feel bad?   Whatever the reason, I’ve got to make an adjustment in my pitching rotation (love baseball analogies!).

It’s easy to take care of others and harder to take care of ourselves.  Yet, think about those times when you say yes and you want to say no.  You often feel more stress, less energy, resentment and anger.  What’s the point of that?  Yet, when we say yes, and really mean it – we feel full of energy and motivation toward the person we’re helping.

The trick is to find a balance between meeting your own needs and helping others meet theirs.  Ask yourself:  “What are my needs?” “How can I take the time to meet them?”  And, ““How much of my time do I want to give to helping others meet their needs?”

While each person will find different answers to these questions – the key is to start asking … to find some balance so that you have more energy (because you are taken care of) to give to others.  Plus, the beauty of saying no, is that it allows you to say yes to the things you do want in your life.

“For fast-acting relief, try slowing down.”
Lily Tomlin

Sometimes on Sunday I’m fried.  I’m often frustrated because I had one million things I wanted to do around the house and another million hours of work and I also wanted to relax!  Reality often hits on Sunday night when I see all that I didn’t get done.

Last night as I was getting a bit frantic about all that I still needed to do, my son suggest I sit down and watch a little golf.  His look was so sweet – as if he realized that there was no way in h*** I was going to get everything done and maybe everyone would be happier if I just relaxed – so I did.  And it was the perfect remedy.

We set our expectations too high.  We use the weekends to be productive instead of relaxing.  We are a total go, go, go society … until we go right in the box and it’s done.  A friend mentioned yesterday that his partner gets frustrated when she’s working around the house and he’s reading.  Who is right?  Well, it depends, of course.  But I almost never take the time to sit and read until I’m in bed (where I promptly fall asleep in 15 seconds — not too much reading’s getting done there!).

One thing I know about myself: when I’m in the present moment, I feel good and relaxed.  Optimistic.  I’m more focused and life seems more fun.  When I’m just thinking about the next thing to get done – I feel stressed out.

So, today – take a moment or two to just stop.  Listen to what’s happening around you.  Make a list of the Must Get Done stuff for next weekend and then cut it in half.  Enjoy the laughter of someone close to you.  I think I need my mantra to be – “There’s nothing that can’t wait until tomorrow other than being present.”

“Slow down and enjoy life. It’s not only the scenery you miss by going to fast – you also miss the sense of where you are going and why.”

Eddie Cantor

Have a great day!

I met a couple of my favorite friends for a glass of wine last night (please do not hesitate to call me for wine so we can be “favorite” friends too!) and the topic of conversation was – “What’s next?”  For one, her daughter is going off to college in a few weeks and her work and personal life are likely to change significantly.  For another, she’s an author, owns a business and is ready for the next chapter (no pun intended).

This led me to thinking about what’s next for me.  I decided that the only way to explore what’s next is to decide what’s important to me.

So, last night as I was laying in bed, I closed my eyes and thought – What is important to me?

One word immediately came to mind –

Love

It is the single most important word to me.  I wear it on my finger.  I wear it on my shirt sleeve.  I experience it every time I see one of you and hug you.  And I feel it every time I write a post.  But how does it fit with what’s next?  Why couldn’t some new app, or business idea or person have popped into my mind at that moment?!!!

Actually, it’s true – the most important thing to me is love.  But for me – love isn’t a feeling.  It’s the ability to help people.  The ability to leave a piece of me with every interaction I make each and every day.  It’s a combination of kindness, compassion, and equanimity (you can’t have a big ego to truly love!).

Love must fit with what’s next for me, but how?  I’m constantly being asked what I’m doing with this blog.  And there’s a lot of love here but how is that what’s next?  This is obviously going to take me a bit to figure out.

What’s next for you?  What’s important?  What’s your passion?  Maybe it’s a project, a job, a person or even just deciding that YOU are your passion for now. But, don’t you agree that amazing things happen when you start doing what you love – what you’re passionate about?  And, when you do, isn’t as if your life slows down?  Where rather than just waiting for the next special event – they all become special?

What’s next and what’s important sound like simple questions, but they’re not.  Yet, they are likely the best questions to be asking ourselves – in order to ensure that the precious time we spend here is spent in situations that really fit for us.  In other words, we have to spend more time doing  (and being with) that which is important to us.

As you can tell from today’s post – I clearly have absolutely no answers and a billion questions (typical!)  I guess this’ll be yet another exploratory process for me.

In the meantime, I can’t wait to hear about what’s next for you when you call for that glass of wine!

Have a great weekend!

While I’ve known for a bit, I wanted to wait until it was more “public” (sadly, FB is our “public” forum these days.).  And today on FB, I saw the most beautiful pictures of this young woman who has an unwelcome visitor.   Life is never what we expect.

Let me tell you a story:   When my boys started at their current school in kindergarten, they met lots of kids.  But there was one girl in particular that I remember from the very first day.  She had the most beautiful little girl smile and the most amazing eyes.  She was one of those kids you just know is special – with a big heart and an old soul.  Know what I mean?  I’ve got a few friends like that … when you meet them, you feel it.

My boys spent their first few years at this school and for financial reasons, I needed to pull them out. And, when I did, this young girl, her parents and some other fantastic kids and parents threw us a most wonderful good-bye party.  It felt like love.

Fast forward to their return three years later and what do you know, but the very first communication from anyone came from this girl.  An email saying welcome back.  I was right about her, wasn’t I?

Here we are – three more years have passed and this beautiful soul is going to fight an amazing fight against a stupid C.  I know she’ll be successful and will teach us all a lesson in living with grace.

Life is never what we expect.

The parents of this young woman – they, like all us mortals, have their own s*** (I know we all have it so let’s just admit it up front).  But, no matter what has happened or will happen – they put their kids first.  That is an amazing feat and it absolutely shows in their beautiful daughters.  

We try so hard, don’t we – to protect our children?  We pray that they will never get sick, never have an accident, never feel too much pain — but it’s not really our choice, is it?

Life is so, so messy.  It is sometimes so, so painful.  It matters not how much money or wisdom or stuff we have.  Our trials just come.  Often at the most inopportune time.  But they come.  And we manage.  And we learn.  And we continue to love one another.

P – I am sending you my energy – all the good stuff.  And, like all us parents – it’s unlimited.  To P’s parents – I cry with you.  I ask why with you.  And, I know you all will find a new level of strength and renewed feelings about life.

It really is never what we expect.

Hug your kids today.

XOXO

As old as I am, I’m still learning.  Some times I’m learning stuff I’d really rather someone else learn!

Yesterday, as the kids and I were running errands, I came up behind a truck with a U-Haul attached to it.  It made me think about all the things I could put in it and toss from my house.  The old stuff I still have in the garage (for no good reason), the old stuff in my closet (for no good reason) and the “storage” closets I really should do something about.

But then I started thinking (sadly, this is how my mind works), about all the junk in my own mind that I should shove in a U-Haul and have driven away!  The negative or damaging thoughts. The situations that I’ve hung on to for years, just so I can bring them up later for …. what purpose?  To make me feel bad again?

Then it hit me: I’m the one renting the U-Haul.  I’m the one paying for the gas. And, I’m the one who pulls it behind me each and every day!  S@#@!

This week someone introduced me to a Buddhist text – The Dhammapada.  Wow is the only way I can describe it.  One chapter is entitled Choices.  Here’s an excerpt:

We are what we think.  All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world.  Speak or act with an impure mind and trouble will follow you. …. speak or act with a pure mind and happiness will follow you.

Regardless of your beliefs, there’s some serious truth to the notion that we have a choice on what we think, about how we approach situations, and our own negative tapes.  I remind my children that they will experience life events that are painful.  Some times seemingly unwieldy.  But how we manage the feelings (whether we store them for future reference or let them go) is what separates out those of us who can find peace and happiness in our lives despite the hurt, and those who can’t.

While I’m constantly harping on my kids, “You are what you eat, Mr. Spicy Hot Cheetos, Mr. Sugary Cereal and Captain Big Bowl of Ice Cream (at 10 p.m.!)” – I really should remind them that they really are a product of what they think about themselves and the world.

Imagine if we could live that way.  Maybe some of those “wars” we are watching could be solved by changing the massive U-Haul of negative tapes and hurt being carried around century after century.

It’s overwhelming to think of the consequences of negative thoughts.

Today, I’m going to take one negative thought out of my U-Haul and toss it.  Or, better yet, how about I ignore my U-Haul and bring forward one positive thought from this weekend to carry with me all day!

All this from a drive on the freeway to get new soccer cleats! 🙂

Have a fantastic start to your week!

Last year I met a woman at the health club.  It was a day when I wanted to jog in the pool and be alone. You know those kind of days?  So, I was incredibly thankful when I got to the pool and it was empty.

About 5 minutes into my jog a woman came out from the locker room onto the pool deck.  OMG!  She had those huge 70’s headphones in neon pink.  The ones that have an antenna sticking up from the head (hey, remember those??).  As if that wasn’t bad enough, she had on a clear shower cap and the most old fashioned bathing suit.  S***!  Was she going to electrocute me when she got in the pool with those things?  She better not talk to me because I want to be ALONE!

As she got in the pool I could hear her singing.  And out of the corner of my eye I see her dancing her way down the steps until she was standing in the pool.  I turned my body and jogged away.  I was determined to have my time.

Just as you might expect, she jogged right over and began talking to me.  S*** again!  I wanted to jump out of the pool and run away as fast as I could.  But, I stayed. Maybe it wasn’t my day to be alone.

Here’s what she told me: She had one son.  He had just graduated from high school (I mentioned how unprepared I was for the college thing).  She thought he was amazing!  She said that 4 years ago her doctors told her she’d never make it to graduation (cancer).  But she knew she would.  That was her dream.  Now, 3 months after graduation, the cancer was not letting up and the next day she was headed for surgery.  She said, “I got my wish already. I saw him graduate!”

I started to cry … in the pool (new one for me!).

Then she said: “You’re never prepared for the next life experience.  We look for it. We dream about it.  But it just comes and all we can do is keep those incredibly important people who love us, right by our side and have faith that the plan is in front of us.”

She got tired quickly thereafter and had to leave.

I  didn’t write about her because first of all, I was an A** for judging (something I almost never do) and second because I didn’t know what happened to her and I didn’t want to jinx it (the Italian in me!).

This week, I found out she died within days after our pool meeting.

Friends, this is a huge reminder that life is not about what’s on the outside.  Life’s about what’s on the inside  – and her inside was amazing — even in the midst of all that cancer.

I just can’t seem to get enough life lessons. 🙂
LOVE those by your side this weekend.

XO

Recently, I decided I was stuck.  Ever get that way?  Where you know you need to move right or left but instead you choose to do nothing?   So, a friend gave me the name of “somebody” and suggested I talk with her (you gotta pay “her” of course!).  So, I decided to check it out to see if she had any thoughts on my stuckness (Ok, it’s not a word but I like it!).

The first time was like a blind date – I needed to fill her in on all my “facts” – the people in my life, my job, my childhood, etc.  You know the drill!

The second time she asked me where I thought I was stuck.  When I told her she gave me some homework:  “Visualize where you want to be when you get unstuck.  What will it feel like?”

I’ve now given it a week’s thought and here’s what I came up with:

When you are unstuck (whether it be a relationship, job, other situation) you feel respected.  You see the sun even when it’s cloudy outside.  You know that your flaws don’t seem to be called out as much.  Do you know what I mean?  Life just seems better.

I did feel relieved (slightly!) when she told me that many smart and successful people stay in toxic jobs for years, miserable relationships for decades and dead-end situations for lifetimes.  Ok, so at least I’m stupid in the company of others!

Most of us get stuck in the what ifs, in the fears and our devotion to the idea that if we do nothing – someone (or something) else will change.  Yet, by living like that, we lose sight of the here and now because we are waiting for guarantees that never materialize.

Here it is in a nutshell: There’s only thing we can be guaranteed — if we take a step, any step — it will turn out to be the right step.  It always is. Doing nothing simply keeps us in the same position tomorrow as we were yesterday and today.

Things are only different when we make them different. Let’s stop worrying about the what ifs and instead start thinking why not!  Why not take that new job?  Why not move and get a start fresh?  Why not end this bad relationship once and for all?  Why not stand up for yourself in an entirely different way?

Change is scary, freeing, exciting and powerful.  Whatever you change, you’re likely to be surprised by the results.  Hey, the beauty about change?  You can always change things again!

Have a powerful start to your week!

This was a statement made recently by a friend of mine.  Hmm, I thought.  Good for him.  But is he really being more transparent? Does he even know what it means?  Do I?

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines transparent as: free from pretense or deceit; easily seen through; readily understood; characterized by visibility or accessibility of information, especially concerning business practices.

We know that “transparency” is being open, honest and sincere in putting one’s self out there. But, in order to do that we need to feel comfortable in our own skin — and that’s difficult.

The other day, I told a friend that I’m not sure if I’ll ever be totally transparent.  I like to keep some of my thoughts, desires and dreams to myself.  And, what’s wrong with that?  Can’t I keep some things to myself? (the answer, of course, is yes)

Let’s just say it this way – being transparent is a goal.  And it’s a goal because transparency creates a vehicle from which others see us as being congruent and in alignment with who we think and say we are, and who we really are.   The reverse is also true: when we lack transparency (or when people don’t trust us), people relate to us at an arm’s length, view us suspiciously, and are constantly watching our every move.  When in those situations, we choose not to be transparent because we don’t feel safe, we feel judged and not credible.

But, if transparency is the hot thing, why are we all so reluctant or resistant to behave transparently at work, at home and in love?

Look at our kids – they were totally transparent at first:

“I’m in LOVE with this car.”

“I NEED that candy NOW.”

“I’m the SMARTEST kid in the WHOLE class.”

They were not afraid to share their feelings and thoughts.  But at some point, that changed and they became fearful of sharing all their deep thoughts and fears.  Why?  Because we somehow convinced them that those things were dumb, wrong or even punished them for those inner feelings (of course, not intentionally – but we’re not perfect parents).

Then, they became (young) adults and anything but transparent.

One of the advantages of getting old(er) is that we become more self-aware.  More emotionally mature (I hope!).  We’re not afraid to let our voice be heard.  We’ve learned to learn from rejection.

There are going to be times when we choose not to divulge our most intimate struggles in life.  And, that’s not us being fake, it’s us being careful (it’s possible to get burned being too transparent!).  But, when we find those people we can be vulnerable with – those that will guard our feelings as their own – we’ve got to hang on to them.  They will help us find the ease and beauty (and safety) in transparency!   Count me in!

Have a great day!

Today I am finishing 5 weeks of exclusively testosterone children.  I now realize what I have to look forward to when my daughter goes to college:

1. Boys move very slowly:  When they are running bases or on the soccer field, they cruise.  When I say something like, “We need to leave now,”  I get – “I’m coming” (when they are not moving), “Why do we need to go out to eat?  Can’t you just go to the store, get food and make dinner for us?”  Or, they actually get up but move as slow as syrup (I would say as slow as a “turtle” but I actually think turtles move faster than they do sometimes).

2. Boys have a lot of extra body sounds, body odor and need for body space:  Enough said.

3. Boys really are pretty loving:  When my daughter is home, she is the loving one.  But with her gone, they really stepped it up.  I got a lot of hugs, “I love you,” and help with the things she just naturally does.  Thanks guys!

4. I’m going to miss her:  In fact, even the boys, this last week reported to me how much they missed their sister.  We’re going to have withdrawal when she goes to college. Friends, be prepared to bring over movies and Kleenex for us (wine for me!)!

5. My boys don’t eat the same weird food that I do:  When my daughter is here, she is willing to eat some of the foods I do – steel cut oats, gluten free this and that and other healthy options.  All I felt like all I made these last five weeks were burgers, tater tots, frozen waffles and every once in a while a protein shake!

6. Boys want to know “why” but don’t accept the answer:  I got so much of this I wanted to throw up. Here’s my thing: If you are going to ask “why” and I tell you, please don’t argue with me.  If you want a different result, put it in memo form and let me contemplate my options!  Don’t try to argue me to the ground … I’m a lawyer (and more importantly a mother!)!

So, as my boys head off to the cabin for a week and my daughter comes home tonight, I realize that having kids is a joyful (and exhausting) proposition, which I wouldn’t change for the world!

Have a fun start to your week!

In a loving and quiet moment, one of my closest friends said to me, “Life is a continuum.  There is no beginning, middle or end.  It’s just a series of events that flow into one another.”

This is one of life’s truisms.  When we live in the now, we experience the now.  When we live in the past or future we not only miss the now, but we miss the future.  What’s left?  Just the past – the stuff we’ve already experienced.   And given our finite time here — why get stuck in the past?

I’ve learned that while I need to make use of every minute of my finite time, I really don’t need to make use of every minute of my finite time (know what I mean?).  I’ve got to learn to slow down, to let someone take care of me, and to allow life to happen without me worrying about how things will turn out.

Why?

Because life is not about what’s “happening” to me. It’s not a bunch of neatly packaged chapters in a book — each one separate and distinct.  Rather, life is about the flow of all my experiences. It’s about each experience feeding off another experience – so why not slowdown and pay attention?

I used to say death is the opposite of life.  But it’s not – death is the opposite of birth.  Life is what happens between birth and death.  Maybe life is such a long continuum that birth and death are just two milestones on the line … (gosh, just writing this makes me realize how little I actually know and understand).

I once read an Indian proverb that said: Life is not a continuum of pleasant choices, but of inevitable problems that call for strength, determination and hard work.  

While I do think this is true, I don’t think it goes far enough. Yes, life is full of inevitable problems.  But life is also full of beautiful experiences that don’t need strength, determination and hard work.  Sometimes, life just needs us to pay attention and experience.  Just as we do when the wind blows quietly in our face and through the trees.  We simply feel it.  That’s what we should do with the continuum of life. Don’t “expect,” don’t categorize as good or bad – just feel and appreciate it.

Thanks for the thought, my friend.

Have a wonderful weekend everyone!