theyearsafter50

I’m watching someone close to me struggle.  I know this is a chance for growth but my heart breaks watching it.  What is it about struggle that we try to avoid?  We know intuitively that not having trials leads to a kind of shallow, compassion-less life.  So, why not run head first into trials?  Why do we try to help our loved ones (and ourselves) avoid them?

We are all on this journey called life.  We are here to learn, to grow and to become better people.  We are here to experience all the emotions we can.  Yet, while I can say that, I can also say that I’m looking for love and joy and peace.  I’m not looking for pain and hurt and tears.

Maybe we don’t know what to do when we have a trial or when our loved ones are struggling.  I know many people who, when they are in a difficult spot will lash out at others. They’ll feel sorry for themselves.  See themselves as the victim.  Know anyone like that? 🙂

Haven’t you ever met someone who just “can’t get a break”?  Or they ask you, “Why do these things always happen to me?”   Why does it seem that some people just attract negative circumstances?  I think it’s because they never learn from their trials.  And because they never learn, the same things happen over and over again.  The definition of insanity …

On the other hand, there are others – those who I want in my life long-term – that are different.  They handle trials differently. They believe that trials help them learn and grow.  They embrace challenge and face hardship and they often ask themselves, “What am I supposed to learn from this?”   Those are people who take ownership and are able to move forward.

So, with my loved one – I know I must be patient and grateful for this life challenge. I can put my support and my hand out there but I know that if life were always smooth, there would be no perspective – no empathy.  Thus, with a deep breath, I watch and wait.

What has happened to you this last year?  Maybe you had tragic loss. Maybe small hurts that added up to a big hurt.  Maybe so much on your spinning plate that it sometimes dropped and broke.  When you think of these things, think of how you’ve endured, how you’ve grown, how you’ve learned and what joyous moments have occurred in the midst of those painful things.

It’s exquisitely beautiful, and sometimes painful, this life.  And those trials  – well, I guess it’s just evidence of being alive and having yet another opportunity for growth and clarity. Hard not to want to continue on that path. 🙂

Have an amazing weekend everyone!

“Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals.” ~Pema Chodron

I’m a fixer.  I want to solve all the world’s problems.  Those of my kids, my friends, and even those in the world (hence my umbrella project, for those of you in the know).  And we have this belief that when our loved ones are in pain, that should trump everything – even our own needs.  Their pain gets our top priority, and whatever goals and dreams we’ve been working are put to the wayside as we help them.  I used to think that was love.  Sacrificing of myself.  It is but as the old saying goes – “too much of a good thing ….”

This form of self-sacrifice has always come naturally to me.  I’m lucky, right?  I’m an inherent caregiver.  So transparent that I even surprise myself at times.  You know those caretakers in your life.  The ones who make you feel safe and cared for.  The ones who can be there and listen at just the right moment.  

But, as with anything, there are some downsides to trying to solve so many problems. It’s easy to get lost in the overwhelming nature of taking it all on.  I get that sometimes love calls on us to invest our energy and time into tending to another’s pain.  But at what cost?  That’s the big issue here – can you take care of yourself and others at the same time?  If not, it’s time to pay attention to this issue.

While it seems like chaos out there, we are not (and cannot) be responsible for the world’s pain.  We can give of ourselves and can look internally at what we can do to make a difference – but there’s no magic healing powder we can sprinkle on every person walking in our sphere.  I wish it were that easy.

Compassion may mean saying no sometimes.  Generosity has to have some of it allocated to the giver.  And Kindness – well some should be reserved for the one who is giving it out.  Saying yes to your own needs will obviously mean learning to say no to others who have become accustomed to our availability and accommodation.  This is hardest with your closest family members who have come to rely on you (Dad – not talking about you here!).  So recognize the guilt you might feel but don’t allow it to make your decisions

Look, I’m thankful that I have the ability to be transparent (very) and can be a giver … a wound-tender.  Sometimes blindingly so.  But even I need to tend to myself at times.  So friends, this is my gentle reminder that you all should do the same.  

Yes, give your love freely and deeply.  But, also give it freely and deeply to yourself.

XOXO

“Judge nothing, you will be happy. Forgive everything, you will be happier. Love everything, you will be happiest.”  Sri Chinmoy

Last night a friend called and asked why I hadn’t written in a while.  I spewed a million reasons and then he said, “They all sound like you judging yourself rather than letting us decide if we want to read your stupid shit.”

Out of the mouths of friends! 🙂

After we got off the phone, I realized that I was doing to myself what we seem to be immersed in — in our backyard and in our world — judging.  All we do is judge – people, feelings and situations – based on color, money, political preference, status, gender, etc.  It’s killing us – literally.

Think about the times you’ve been disrespectful or judged someone. We all have.  Saying something that might hurt another’s feelings.  Been rude to the person on the phone, just trying to help you solve a problem.  You know what I’m talking about.  I can hear myself doing it (my kids can hear it too) but I don’t always stop.

Why are we judging?  Because our attention is focused on the person we’re judging or treating badly.  What we need to do at that moment is turn our attention to ourselves and when you do – watch … you negative thoughts fade.  Why?  Because it’s easier to judge another than look at our own s***.

Judging comes from fear, jealousy, lack of understanding, impatience … and yes, the biggest reason of all … our egos.  For me, once I start judging all the goodness leaves my mind and all I’m left with is “Isn’t she awful.  Isn’t that bad, wrong ….”  There is no joy or happiness there.  Ego lives on resisting acceptance of ourselves and others.

I can’t change the world (I can barely manage my own!).  I can’t stop the anger of the “lives matter” movements.  I can’t change innocent people dying around the world.  But I can practice acceptance of other stories. I can learn to accept differences unconditionally.  I can learn to keep my ego in check and be open to life outside my little world.

If we truly don’t want to be judged and we want to be accepted and loved unconditionally, then we must stop judging others.  We must stop saying one life is more important than another.  We must try to understand other stories and opinions.  We must accept that there are differences.  Sometimes we must reduce and eliminate those differences.  Sometimes we must let others think as they want – even if it’s different.  We can’t all be the same.

Judging does nothing positive.  Why?  Because we all know intuitively that what we put out there (anger, disdain, ego) is what we’ll get back.

Sometimes our mind needs more time to accept what our heart already knows. Let’s breathe. Be a witness.  Listen to your intuition.  And, always look for love.

I miss you all.  XOXO

“Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired.”

Mother Teresa is being canonized today and oddly enough, on my birthday. When I heard today was the day, I started to think about the importance of her life in mine. I’ve not espoused any “religion” in this blog, but I suppose it’s clear that I “believe” in something … in fate, the greater good, something bigger than me.  Yet, what does believing do for me?  Would I live the same life if I didn’t believe?

I’ve had my share of difficult times.  Doubts about my path, direction, focus, choices. I’ve wondered why I’ve had to go through certain trials with certain people. Over the years, however, I’ve learned to let go and direct my eyes forward, rather than backward.

In William Reiad’s book, The Letters, I found that our new saint was just like us – filled with questions, doubts and fears: How can there be a g-d with the incredible pain and suffering in the world?  How is it that we are fortunate enough to be born here, with freedom, with water, with the ability to learn, grow and share, while others are not?  How can we give enough to solve any problems?

Yet, rather than focus on her doubts, she did what we all should do — use our doubts to drive us.  She focused on persevering, rather than her questions and looking backwards.  Unfortunately, we get hung up on the questions and looking backwards.

Friends, true kindness and compassion will come from any direction except backward.

Four years ago, I changed my birthday to a gift day.  On my birthday I give gifts –  – to my friends, to my kids, to strangers, to anyone I can.  It’s my way of celebrating.  It’s my reminder that giving is how I want to spend my year and my life.

Mother Teresa’s message is simple: Kindness can have a tremendous impact on a person’s suffering.  These don’t need to be big acts of kindness.  They don’t have to happen every day.  But, let’s be honest – what do we remember about people once they’re gone?  Their acts of kindness, grace and compassion. That’s what made her Mother Teresa.  That’s what’s so powerful about her legacy.  I know that’s how we want to live our collective lives.

So allow me to leave you with two of my favorite Mother Teresa quotes.  I say we try to live them every day.  XO

“It is easy to love the people far away. It is not always easy to love those close to us. It is easier to give a cup of rice to relieve hunger than to relieve the loneliness and pain of someone unloved in our own home. Bring love into your home for this is where our love for each other must start.“

“I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.“

 

I brought my daughter back to Madison for her sophomore year.  I cried in the days leading up, I cried as we sang our lungs out on the car ride there and I cried when I had to leave.  Between my crying, I was shopping at Target more than I care to admit. One night, after leaving my daughter at her apartment for the night, I decided to make one last run to Target.

As I was in the line paying for yet another shower organizer, I heard a mom say to her teenage daughter, “That outfit [referencing the one they were buying] makes you look fat.” I literally felt like throwing up. I turned and saw the girl shrink and get red-faced.  Her mom, realizing she forgot something, quickly left to go get it, leaving the girl standing there alone.  You know I had to say something.  So, I turned to her and said, “If you love yourself that outfit will look amazing. I’m certain of it.”  She half-smiled, I nodded, I swiped my card for the 10,000 time and left.

Why do we teach our children so little about self-love?  We teach them about sex and drugs but not about loving their minds, bodies and their emotions.  In a world where we’ve been raised to put others first, self-love feels selfish.  We know we need it, yet we have difficulty giving ourselves permission to experience it.

Unfortunately, most of us become adults with almost no self-love skills. We feel stuck with the notion that we are the way we are and there’s no real changing to be done.

But I believe that we can learn to love ourselves and we can and should teach our children the same thing.  This is what I say to practice my self-love:

1. You have needs. In order to love yourself, you need to recognize your needs. Without self-love, you’ll dismiss your needs while prioritizing the needs of others. Self-love is about identifying your needs and making them a priority.
2. Set boundaries.  The more you love yourself, the less you’ll tolerate being treated like crap. Period.
3. Don’t sabotage your great feelings by doing something destructive. When you love yourself, it’s easier to accept and allow good things in your life.
4. Own your life. Learn from s*** and don’t be a victim. Life ownership is empowering.
5. Give more. Research shows that giving to others strengthens the circuits in the brain that generates feelings of well-being, more than any other positive emotion practices. So, why not give more? Like every day?

I have no idea if what I said meant anything to that young girl.  But I believe that loving yourself is magical—it’s a divine relationship that will help you improve every single aspect of your life. I know it to be true. So, stop feeling guilty and learn to embrace having a loving relationship with You.  Teach your kids (young and old) the same thing. You (and they) deserve it!

Have a great week!

 

As was clear to many of you, I took a summer hiatus from writing the blog.  I wanted to spend time with my kids, my new firm, my new life.   And this summer I decided to quietly try something new – a summer without complaining.  It was tough.  I failed over and over again.  I would catch myself saying something that sounded like a complaint, felt like a complaint and was a complaint.  Then I would stop, apologize quietly in my own mind, and change the tape or the topic.

Today the boys headed off to school and my daughter is “packing up her life” to head back to college.  Tonight at dinner I’m going to share my plan with the kids – a year of no complaining.  Again, we will fail but it will be on our minds.  And when we come back together next summer – we can laugh and revel in our efforts.

Look – we all have sh**.  But as I get older I realize that there’s grace and understanding in life if we pay attention to what we have rather than what we don’t have.

This summer I had a few life lessons:

1. Hammering, nagging, yelling, doesn’t get us anywhere.  All the pushing I did about getting summer reading done … all the energy I expended was wasted when I saw them still reading (and thankfully finishing) their book the day before school started.  As a young mother I actually thought it got me somewhere.  As an old(er) mother I realize that it gets me nowhere.
2. People go.  I had 4 friends lose family members this summer.  In addition, I lost a very important person in my life.  This led to my “lack of complaining” cause.  Words can’t fix the pain of death.  It’s hard to see the light from all that pain but being thankful for the little we have is a start. XO to my friends who suffered this summer.
3. Time is speeding by.  I’m thankful I made the choices I did this summer.  I intentionally cut the things that meant very little to me and focused on those that were important.  It was fantastic.  I even said no sometimes.

In July I read a column by Alison Piepmeier.  It turned out to be her last one.  She died shortly thereafter – but not before thanking all those around her and  ___ for her wonderful life.  Today I found her column on linked in – mentioned in a friend’s post.  That told me it was time to come back to the blog.  That told me it was time to really commit to not complaining.  To being grateful that I can yell, nag, cry, experience joy and frustration.  I promise you that I will be sad, unhappy and mad at times.  But I’m going to make every effort not to complain.  I have the gift of life.  It is filled with loved ones.  If today were my last day, I have no complaints.

Have an amazing day my friends.

XOXO

 

Today is the 50th birthday of a good friend and I’m looking forward to her celebration.  But I have to admit that despite her upcoming birthday, I’ve been contemplating this “getting older” thing.  And, I’ve realized that there are some really cool things about getting older.  So, to my beautiful friend, and to all of you, here are my reasons why I’m enjoying getting old(er):

1. Life finally makes sense.  It’s like someone flips a switch and you realize that it’s time to stop screwing around by pretending that you are something other than who you really are.  I’ve been with enough people who were not comfortable in their own skin. They seem unhappy and never satisfied.  I love that getting older allows us to let go of that hard candy coating which we use to protect ourselves and allow the soft chocolaty inside to be the center of attention! (I must be craving chocolate right now).
2. We don’t worry (as much) about getting things done.  We realize that we can only do so much.  And trying to fit more “stuff” in results in us missing “stuff” during the “stuff.”  Know what I’m saying??
3. We realize that we are all worthy of healthy belonging-type love.  And that we can get that love from all areas of our lives – friends, family, partners and even from the guy on the street last week who blessed me for giving him an umbrella.  I love love.
4. We show up emotionally.  We no longer have so much happening in our brains that we forget to show up when we’re supposed to.  A friend left me a voice mail message this week and she said, “I can feel how present you are with me even when you’re leaving me a voice mail message.”  What a beautiful complement.  Thank you my dear friend.
5. We stop searching. What’s left to find?  Plus, we realize that we don’t need to search because we can appreciate what’s right in front of us.  I love this part of getting old(er).
6. We can really enjoy our children.  They are little adults now.  How cool is that?  You can argue with them about politics.  They can hug you back in that Adult-I-Love-You sort of way.  It’s a total blast.  Yes, I’m still picking up s*** off the floor but we can laugh about it now (most times).
7. We feel incredible appreciation for life.  You know what I’m talking about. We can stop, feel the breeze, smile at a stranger, and appreciate every moment.  This is the joy of getting older.

So, Happy Birthday to my soul sister.   And to all of you, my wonderful friends, let’s all grow old(er) together. 🙂

XOXO

I’m really excited to be such an enigma as a mom.  I thought we were all alike but seems as if my kids have decided that I’m a lone wolf.  The only mom who has certain rules and requirements at home.  Let me enumerate the differences between me and (apparently) all other moms:

1. “You’re the only mom who cares what time their kids go to sleep.  Other moms let their kids decide.”  I had no idea my friends were letting their kids stay up until the 22nd rerun of Sponge Bob came on at 5 am.  No wonder my kids are so uneducated – they’re not getting the full raising of the intellectual consciousness of this country by the “discussions” between Sponge Bob and Patrick.  I wonder if any of our presidential candidates could raise their level of consciousness by staying up and watching Sponge Bob?
2. “Other moms close their kid’s door when their room is messy and don’t make them pick it up.” Ohhhh.  That’s what I’m missing.  The old close-the-door trick.  I was thinking of the old take-the-door-off-the-hinge trick.  You moms are so enlightened to not ask for the room to be picked up!
3. [In the same vein] “You’re the only mom who wants wet towels off the floor of their kids’ room.”  I’m going to start running around the house naked yelling, “There are no towels around here!”  I’m thinking if my kids have to see that, they’ll quickly pick up the towels, do the laundry and maybe even fold.
4. “Other moms let their kids go to parties and don’t need to call the parents of the place they’re going.”  So, I just need to trust my kids and the 62 other kids who will be attending this “hanging-out thing.”  Because there’s no question that I never had parties when my parents were gone.  And there’s no way that s*** happens at these parties that could get them in trouble.  Yes, that’s a good point – learn to trust all the kids I don’t know and even the ones I do and not keep track of what’s happening. (Hear that throwing up sound? That’s me.)
5. “Just because my music is so loud that you can hear me coming down the street before you can see my car, doesn’t mean I’m not paying attention.” No response other than, “Give me the F***ing car keys until the various factions on this issue agree to vote for my referendum of careful and respectful driving.” I win.
6. “Why do you need to tell me to do my homework. I know I have homework.” I know you know. But I know that you are caught up in the internet, the phone and Snap Chat.  Maybe other moms don’t know about social media. G-d knows we don’t freaking talk enough about it as parents.

I guess there are a lot of really lucky children with moms who are way nicer than me.  Sorry, kids.  You drew the short straw in this lifetime.  🙂

Love ya!  Mom

 

Yesterday I went to get my glasses fixed and just outside, on the sidewalk, were four people.  Two with dark glasses on and two with eye patches.  The looked stuck and I probably shouldn’t have but I went over to see if they needed help.  They thanked me profusely (one explaining to the two with patches that they will get help from people all the time and to try to be gentle with the “helpers” even if they don’t need help).  Then, they explained their situation:

The two with eye patches were learning to be blind … because – as sad as this sounds – they were going blind.  They were learning what their new life would be like. How to walk down the street.  How to find a door.  How to know when the cars were crossing and they shouldn’t.  I cry just typing this and I cried when I got into my car.  How I so take for granted seeing the smirk on a kids face when I make a suggestion or the eye rolling when I ask about the wet towel (yes they are still there) on their floor.  I take for granted the leaves moving in the wind.  The beauty of the world whizzing by me.  How tragic.  How heartbreaking.

But life is about adjustments.  The new normal in life, right?  Sometimes we leave a bad job or bad relationship and we get to a new normal.  Maybe there is a lot of pain for a while, but we adjust.

My aunt is dying (my mother’s only remaining sibling) and I went to see her recently.  I was fine until I left to go to the airport and I just sobbed at the realization that it could be the last time I see her or she recognizes me.  Life’s adjustments are required but they still really hurt.

But these changes bring new beauty.  These amazing people on the street told me that as their sight was leaving they were developing new senses.  They were experiencing a new part of life.  They told me that they really were ok as I was obviously feeling upset about it all.  How interesting that they were reassuring me.

So, in my oh so awkward way I just want to remind you (and me) that the “life adjustments” we’ll experience today, tomorrow or the next can (and likely will) bring some pain, but with it also comes some beauty.  People come into our lives and they go.  And that’s sad.  Our health changes.  And that’s sad too.  But we are still so lucky to be here for whatever moments we are granted, regardless of whether we experience them with sight or not.

Have an amazing day.  XOXO

I’ve not written in a while.  Just enjoying having everyone home, working, playing with friends – you know the drill.  And in this long hiatus, I’ve had some cool experiences but one happened yesterday and I felt like I wanted to share it.

As you know, I avoid political or religious discourse here and I don’t name names, pass judgment (other than on myself), etc. But love is love (regardless of sex, gender, type of relationship, etc.) and yesterday, I got a reminder of just how beautiful it can be.

I was ending my day at the grocery store and as I walked out – I saw two guys holding hands in front of me.  They stopped for a second and started hugging.  I could see they were crying. As I walked by I asked if they were ok or if they needed anything.  I said that I usually am crying in grocery stores (it’s where I find I miss my daughter the most!) and that it was nice to see I’m not the only grocery store crier.

They shared with me that they had known each other in college, but life took them away from one another.  By a quirk of fate and a death, they came back together last year.  They’ve been inseparable ever since. Last week, one was diagnosed with cancer.  Likely a rough road and low survival rate.  At the moment I saw them crying, one had said to the other “No matter what happens, my soul will be with your soul forever.”  Hearing that made me cry too.

We chatted awhile and then I left. As I drove home I realized that there are no walls when there’s love.  There’s no right or wrong.  There’s nothing one can’t do, when they have love. There’s power and joy and peace when there’s love.  And when you lose the person you love, the love still stays with you.

Let’s agree that this world would be a better place if we put love in front of fear and greed and power.  I have never had more powerful feelings than when I’ve been in love or felt love.  Yesterday my son said to my daughter, “I wish you would come back again for another summer because I love having you home.”  Her response, “I love you too.” Powerful.

So, what’s the message here?  For me it was that when the time is right, certain things will happen to you. You’ll meet the right person, you’ll find the right job, or you’ll have a moment where time stops for a second and you’ll know that is reaching the pinnacle of love.  And even if the person is taken from  you – the love never leaves your soul.

I realized that love is so powerful, that even a brief minute watching it in a grocery store parking lot, can stay with you a lifetime.

Enjoy the love all around you this beautiful weekend.

XO