theyearsafter50

When you learn how to control your mind, you open a door to the vastness of creativity, inspiration, and brilliance that is just behind the clutter of your thoughts. Unknown

Two years ago I was a person filled with more than my fair share of fear:  How was I going to start the firm I was looking for?  How was I going to move the negative out and fill it with positive? Was I enjoying life? I wanted to jump, to change — but I was stuck. Scared. I let my thoughts control me.

One thing I know for sure: Our beautiful minds can be our worst enemy.

This week I met someone with schizophrenia. She hears voices and is constantly distracted by them. Her mother says that she’s trapped in her mind – like being in a cult. Heartbreaking.

We all get trapped in our minds. It’s not always negative but sometimes it’s incredibly limiting. There are the constant interruptions when we’re working on a problem. The worries. I (am I the only one?) replay conversations and interactions. We think about the past and worry about the future. Simply put, our mind games are destructive and impact our results and our success.

To some extent we’re addicted to our negative thoughts and we obsess about s*** we can’t control. Yet, there’s control in what we know – even if it’s negative.  Thus, we stick with it.

Today was my official last day of “help” and here’s what I learned:

1. Interrupt your thoughts. Once we believe that we can interrupt any of our thoughts or behaviors then our mind can become our best asset.
2. Identify the thinking. Circular thinking traps us on a treadmill, draining our energy and happiness. The longer you’re on the treadmill, the more ingrained that pattern becomes. Identify the thought and gently say “stop.”  My words were, “I’m ok.”
3. Learn new thoughts. Our minds abhor a vacuum, so you can’t rid yourself of negative thinking without filling the void. Otherwise, the same negative thinking will creep back in. There are two ways to fill the void: (a) put a positive in instead of the negative; and (b) believe the positive.
4. You are your thoughts. The only truth to our thoughts are the truths we give our thoughts.
5. There are no shortcuts. There’s no other way to move on other than to let go and move on.  It’s painful. It’s scary. Sometimes we need help. But remember: there are no wrong decisions, only decisions that take us to our next place.

So, on this one I’m calling it a wrap.  It’s one in the win column for me and my mind. We’re (mostly) working together now.

Look, we’re all going to over think, over analyze and waste a lot of time inside our brain. The trick is to minimize those limiting thoughts and change them so they help, not hinder you.

Because those thoughts that are holding you back … well, they really are created by you. 🙂

XOXO

 

 

 

 

I don’t have much time because I’m up before my crew and getting ready to make homemade french toast, thick cut bacon (them not me) and blueberry muffins – also homemade.  Plus, I need to clean up the kitchen and start the laundry.  🙂

But before I do all that, I want to write a letter to my children:

Dear Kids:

Mother’s Day is great.  I totally appreciate the effort.  But let me tell you about being a mom.  We’d do it all anyway even if we didn’t have a day.  We might bitch about the s*** you’ve left on the floor for the millionth time or the failure to put the toilet seat down (ok, I really do hate that one), or not responding to our text messages for more than a day, but we love every minute of it.  We really do.  And while we think it’s nice to get a “day,”  we don’t need it.  And here’s why: because even on our “day” we’re still doing our mom-thing: picking up, cooking, laughing with you, etc.  It’s just another day, but with added pressure for it to be “perfect.”

All we really need (and I’m serious here), is some love once in a while and the sense that you appreciate us. That special hug I got yesterday from one of my guys who said, “this is just because.”  Or the kiss blown to me by the other as I was taking my dad for coffee, saying – “I love you momma.”  And, before I could really even open my eyes this morning a message from my daughter.  That’s what we live for.

So, to all those kids out there trying to figure out how to make the day special, here’s the answer:  This mom-love is so powerful that you can make any moment special.  I promise that if you just call her with joy in your voice, or walk over to her, smile and hug her and say “I love you” – it will be enough.  It’s really that simple.  We don’t need stuff.  We just want to know that you’re happy, healthy, and love us (once in awhile!).

To all my mom friends out there: I know how much work it is, how special it is, how exhausted you are and how grateful you are to have the experience.  I hope you all get some love today, tomorrow and the next.  And if not, I’m sure they’ll remember next month!  🙂

Have a wonderful day everyone!

XOXO

It’s a common question, “How’s it going?”  “How are you doing?”  I ask those questions all the time.  It’s been said that people don’t really want to know what’s happening in your life but just want to do the nice thing and ask.  I’m thinking that’s mostly true.  (FYI – when I ask, I really do want to know! 🙂 )

Recently, I was asked, how I’m doing, and I gave my standard answer,  “I’m fine.”  I was afraid to give my real answer, which is “I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.”  Later, I began to wonder why I didn’t say what I was thinking?  Other than my Italian/Jewish superstitions (which are overwhelmingly powerful!), what is it that keeps us from being afraid of happiness?

We think that if we feel happiness, something could will happen.  The “other shoe” could will drop.  We want happiness, but we don’t trust it.  We let ourselves be happy for a minute or two but then we’re filled with self-doubt and fear.

Fear constantly tells us to hide our happiness.  To avoid it because it makes us look conceited or selfish. It tells us that too much happiness will affect our professional life. We work in a world where being happy once or twice a week is fine but any more and you look like a slacker.  Plus, we believe that if we’re too happy, those who are less happy will be mad or feel bad.

The truth is, it’s ok to be happy.  It’s ok to be happy even when things are not perfect.  We have this image of happiness like we see in the commercials where a drug, a fancy car or a new yogurt will make everything perfect. But it never does.

I often feel pain for others less fortunate than me.  I feel so deeply that I have trouble shaking it.  But I’ve learned that I don’t need to be unhappy because others are unhappy.  I can do all I can for others and it’s OK to still be crazy thankful for what I have.

Happiness is a quiet, subtle thing. It’s not a constant feeling of excitement.  It’s a feeling of joy and abundance.  It’s soft. Real happiness is easy to overlook or take for granted.

Look, no one’s life is perfect.  I’m worried about my daughter’s injury. The boys have stuff (always!). Friends have illness in their lives, divorces, etc.  Plus, I’ve got 10,000 flaws (most of them you likely know!).  But these “issues” and flaws help us to be more generous and empathetic to others.  To be more open. Which in turn makes us happier.  See how that works?

Whether or not you think you deserve happiness (which you do), doesn’t the world deserve the best you can give?  Well, your best will come when you embrace (not fear) being and saying “I’m happy.”

Have a beautiful Sunday!

 

 

I was shopping for some clothes for the boys alongside a woman doing the same thing.  But I needed long legs and skinny waists.  She needed shorter and larger pants.  We laughed as we handed each other the clothes we needed.  I asked her how old her son is and she said, 25.  I smiled and said, “I don’t think my guys will let me pick out anything including their clothes at that age!”  She looked at me with a quiet smile and said, “My son has Down’s.  So, I get the joy of buying his clothes for a really long time!”

Wow.

We both stopped shopping and kept talking.  I asked her what were the joys of having her son.  Not that having any child isn’t full of joy (pain, exhaustion, frustration ….).  But what special things did he bring to the table that her other child didn’t.?  Here are her exquisite responses:

Often times I look in my son’s beautiful almond-shaped eyes and they just smile back at me.  His laugh is so infectious that it melts my heart.  When he was a kid, there was a cute gap between his toes and that was perfect for wearing his flip flops!

I had some bad days.  I was heartbroken at first.  But at some point I realized that this was our destiny and began to look forward to seeing him outside the womb.

I have more hope for him and his future than my other child.  His potential to achieve and grow is so huge.  And his thrill about anything (just life) – is more than anyone I know.

And a mother’s love – the same no matter what issues your child might have. So, I celebrate the differences rather than look for similarities.  I think I’m the lucky one to have him, not the other way around.

Most importantly, my heart is softer.  I accept people as they are.  I’m not afraid of the homeless person on the street or the person shouting words out loud in a store.  I know that we’re all different – I don’t just know, I appreciate that we’re all different.

Oh, and like meeting you — when you have a child with Down syndrome, new people come into your life.  I have friends all across the country who have had experiences similar to mine.  There are so many special people out there who are not afraid to ask questions and appreciate the different (but same) life experiences.

Friends, I’m not a lover of shopping for my guys, but I’ll take this kind of experience any day of the week. What an honor it was to meet and learn about the beauty of our differences.  This is as good a time as any to celebrate love.

Have a great rest of your week.

Many of us are experiencing the loss of a great artist.  Much too soon but how lucky we all were, right?  I smile thinking about his music and how much I love it.

Last night I was with some of my closest friends.  We spent a bit of time talking about our lives.  Two of my friends are going through very serious losses (one whose husband is ill and the other whose husband is no longer her husband).  As they talked about how losses can be the same, I realized that losses really aren’t the same (but I wasn’t sure I could articulate it so I said nothing.)

Do you think I’m crazy wrong here?  I’m thinking that the loss of a husband – to whom you are the wife, is different from the loss of a parent, to whom you were their child.  And, the loss of a spouse in a divorce is very different from the loss of a long-term job.  Yes, all are about letting go – but all are different too.

Loss is as much a part of our human existence as breathing.  There are those losses that we shrug off (we lose an earring or a wallet) and those that completely blow us out of the water – like a parent dying.

This morning, I dug out my “Get Real About Grief” Affirmations, which I’ve needed a few times:

1.  Each day of grief will be different. You’re entitled to grieve each and every loss, each and every day as an individual.

2. Losses are not like purchasing limits on your credit card. You are not limited in the number of losses that you need to mourn and you should not let anyone place limits on your process for grieving.  Feel all your feelings.

3. Just as with t-shirts, one grief process really does not “fit all.”  Let no one convince you otherwise.

“Grief can be a bittersweet beauty,” says Robert A. Neimeyer, Psychology Professor at the University of Memphis. “It’s not something to be banished. It is a human experience to be lived, to be shared, and to be understood and used.”  I guess that’s what many have been doing these last few days.

So, my friends, bask in this time.  Show your children how beautiful loss can be. The exquisite process of remembering people, things, songs, and love.  This will be our children some day.  And, our process of grief is but one memory they will take with them about us, as they experience their own thing called life.

Have a beautiful day.

XOXO

Worry is like a rocking chair–it gives you something to do but it doesn’t get you anywhere. Unknown

My worries have circled around my head for years.  They have sapped my strength and made me feel overwhelmed.  I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a worrier.  I am.  (Remember 1/2 Italian and 1/2 Jewish – says it all, right?)

Research about worrying says:

• About 85% of the things we worry about never happen.
• If what we worry about does happen, 80% of us said we handled the outcome better than we thought we would.
• People who let go of worries instead of stressing over them are much healthier than those who don’t.

I could take this two ways: (1) I could worry about things I don’t want to happen, making it more likely than not that the “thing” wouldn’t happen (lawyer brain); or (2) I could worry less.

I’m choosing the latter.

Did you know that the stress hormones in your brain have been linked to shrinking brain mass, lowered IQ, heart disease, premature aging (is there such a thing?), family dysfunction (I thought that was normal), clinical depression, dementia and Alzheimer’s. Yikes!

We (ok, me) need to get a f***ing handle on habitual worrying.  

About a month ago I was taking with someone about how I was physically feeling – his response, “You worry too much. Spend a month not worrying or if something comes to mind that’s a worry, remind yourself that you’re really enjoying life and you’re not going to worry. See what happens and we’ll discuss again in a month (over wine!).”

Yesterday was a month. Let me tell you what I learned:

1. I was happier. I literally told myself every time a worry came to mind, “You’re so lucky to be here today!” Honestly.  I felt lighter every time I said it.  At first I had to say it at least 5 times for each worry.  Now I don’t even realize I’m even saying it!
2. I got my energy back. I think I was losing so much mind energy that it affected my physical energy. And, I went off caffeine during this time too!

Look, what do we know about s*** in our brain?  Let’s dumb this down to toddler level: When our toddler’s (or our partner’s) having a tantrum, we don’t reason with them.  We distract, we bribe, we redirect.

Why do we think we’re any different?

Distracting myself with my mantra or a moment of quiet thankfulness has allowed me to redirect my toddler-like brain. It seriously works.  I might even call myself a recovering worrier!

Look, worrying is a completely normal human emotion and let’s not beat ourselves up for being normal.  But we can reduce our stress levels and boost our positive emotions if we can at least find a consistent strategy of reaching our goal of worrying less.

Hey, I’m not even going to worry about the next time I’ll blog. 🙂

Have a great week!

 

As is always the case when someone dies—the coming together of people who have known a person at all stages of their life is so moving and poignant, that it becomes a deeply powerful experience.

Today I went to a funeral of a man who lived more than most.  He did some amazing things.  But as I sat there and listened to the sharing of stories and memories, I realized that it wasn’t about all the “things” he’d done or the businesses he’d built – it was about something more.

One of the eulogies given today was from a good friend who shared stories of their friendship.  As I listened to him I could feel the entire sanctuary fill with love.  You could hear it in his voice, how he looked out at the congregation, and with the words he shared.  As he sat down, all that kept coming to my mind was –

It is all about the love.

Every moment, every encounter, every experience we choose to have—is about love.

It’s the love of the smallest of moments.  It’s about being together and holding hands. It’s about hugs from our children. It’s about sitting at a table, having dinner with our closest friends.  It’s about beautiful sunsets and sunrises with those we love.  These are the moments that we’ll remember in our final days.  And, it’s these moments that others will remember about us.

We won’t remember the money in our pockets.  We won’t remember the fight we had last week.  We won’t remember the person who did something that hurt us.  No, when we take that final breath all that we will feel is love and all that will be felt about us is love.

So, tonight I’m sending my love to anyone who is going through a dark time.  I want to fill their heart with the love in my heart.  I want to help the person that no one wants to help.  I want to smile at everyone I know and unquestionably those I don’t know. I want to appreciate the moment I got frustrated with the clothes on the floor of my boys’ rooms.  I want to enjoy the ability to work and just experience life.

While I wish it didn’t take a funeral to do this, I plan to take some time to bask in the love I saw and felt today.  It reminded me that we should love every experience.  We should love every person who is in every moment of our lives.  And, we should love even those moments that feel sad, because, at the very least, we are able to experience an actual moment.

Open yourself up, be vulnerable, and you will see that there’s nothing more important than the message I heard today about life and death –

It is all about the love.

Have an amazing weekend!

It happens to us all – we fall into physical or mental ruts that feel flat, uncomfortable and sometimes painful.  We wonder why things feel so difficult.  And, we just don’t know where to start.

I’ve been in a bit of a rut lately.  This morning, laying in bed, I asked myself the obvious question: “If my mind and body are so powerful, why don’t I just make the changes I’m looking for?”  I laid there waiting for some inspirational or divine answer.  I heard absolutely nothing.  This forced me to just get out of bed and do that which I’ve been avoiding … I went swimming.

In the pool I thought about my nagging question: How can we get ourselves out of the ruts we find ourselves in from time-to-time?  With a million self-help books/articles, why do we still get stuck?

1. Ditch the happiness formula.

The beauty of being human is that each one of us is unique.  There is no one-size-fits-all formula for happiness.  What makes you happy may not make me happy.  Ignore those magazine articles and follow your own formula – be you.

2. Define your priorities.

I’ve spent a good part of my life being defined by others priorities: my parents, friends, kids and significant others.  But I never really got to know ME.  That’s the first step to getting unstuck.  And, remember that those priorities are dynamic and changing.  Continue to reassess where you are and where you choose to put your energy.

3. Find your purpose.

My son said to me the other day that he wants to have some purpose to his life – some legacy. I reminded him that life isn’t about a dream job or making money – it’s about connecting who you are with the life you want to lead – and then putting it out there for others to benefit from.  That’s a purposeful and joyful life.

4. Examine your relationships.

We have all types of relationships in our lives. And those relationships change over time – so they need to be adjusted too. We all need connection and in many different ways.  But we have to operate in those relationships in a way that’s true to our own internal expectations – not the expectations of others.  If you’re doing the latter – you’re likely stuck.

5. Embrace your fears.

We’re not good at separating out our fears from reality.  When you’re fearful about a change, ask yourself: “How can I experience this change in a way that feels safe to me?”  Maybe its small steps.  Maybe its a huge leap.  Maybe its asking someone to join you.  Fear is something we create, it is familiar and it keeps us stagnant.

Understanding your mindset is the first step to getting out of a rut.  No matter how long you’ve been there you can look through your fear and make a change.  Find your passion.  By doing something – anything – you’ll create the needed momentum to drive yourself out of that rut and full speed into your authentic life.

Have a great weekend!

Were he alive today, last week would have been my brothers 60th birthday. Garrison Keillor once said “When your brother dies, your childhood fades, there being one less person to remember it with, and you are left disinherited, unarmed, semi-literate, an exile. It’s like losing your computer and there’s no backup.”

As I thought on this, it reminded me of something I have told my children over the years (and always have tried to remember myself). For many things in life, we never know when they will end. We just don’t know when that last time, actually is the last time. Whether it’s a favorite place, or last shot in a pick up game, the last time you spend with a friend or loved one, or the last time your youngest child crawls up in your lap and asks you to read them a book. Only afterwards do we understand, then all too often it is too late to savor and fully appreciate what was.

If we can make the effort to recognize those things that are important to us, and treat them each time, like it was the last time, we will benefit two ways. First, we find ourselves more grateful and it makes the experience richer and the memory more clear. And secondly, we find we still might miss it later, but we have fewer regrets about it passing from our lives.

All things do end, a brother, a teaching career, your children being young; good and bad, they pass from our lives into our memories. In a busy focused life, too many times these things pass unrecognized. So today I will try to live the advice I gave my children, “Every time, take those things in life that give you greatest meaning and treat them as if it were the last time.”

Have a good weekend my friends, “Carpe Diem.”

I’m now eating my first bite of food in 48 hours.  It’s not been pleasant here.  But, in my continuing quest to see the good in the not-so-good, I’ve learned a few life lessons over these last two days:

1. I literally spent 6 hours on the floor of our bathroom when it first started.  In and out of consciousness, exhaustion and visiting what I wish had been a clean porcelain bowl.  But, oh my friends who have suffered through chemotherapy, my heart breaks thinking about you. I want you to know how sorry I am that I didn’t fully understand it all. I knew that my flu would eventually go away. But you had to endure it every two weeks – for months. You knew it was coming and couldn’t stop it.  I am going to pray every day that we find a better way to treat C or we get rid of it all together. I’m thankful to have a teeny tiny reminder of your experiences. I will be more compassionate than I ever have been before.
2. My boys were late for school these last two days. Why? Because I do too much s*** around here. It’s not their fault. And, to their defense, they were helping me too. I love my mom role. But college is around the corner and this was a good wake up call for us all. Lesson learned.
3. I need to keep my bathroom clean.
4. I need to teach them how to clean the bathroom.
5. I need to keep seven-up in the house at all times. (Thanks Dad for dropping it off for me.)
6. I have beautiful trees in my backyard.  I rarely sit on the couch and do nothing (well, I did keep working a little bit 🙂 )But, I didn’t turn on the TV – not once. Instead, when I wasn’t running to the bathroom, I looked out the window and felt the sun on my face.  Warm and peaceful. I also listened to the last interview Maurice Sendak did with Terry Gross and I cried my eyes out. It reminded me that I am so lucky. So fortunate to be here. Sick or not. That my world — our world — is beautiful and complicated and loving and sad. And, that even though I felt like s***, I knew I could still look outside my window and see beauty and feel happy.

I hope you don’t catch the flu this season.  But I guess I’m glad I did.  It made me stop and reflect and gain a new perspective.

I also hope you have a chance to listen to this interview of the late Maurice Sendak.  It’s five minutes. But, it’s the most beautiful and tear jerking reminder of the beauty of life – no matter what you believe. I can’t say this enough – In the end, it’s really all about our life relationships and love for one another.   XOXO