theyearsafter50

About a month ago I went to a coffee shop to meet a woman who was a friend, but whom I’d never met in person (long story).  While we were there, a woman and man came in.  I assumed they were married. She had a little bag that she put on the table and began to take out a pad of paper, a deck of cards and a pencil.  He went up to the counter and ordered a bagel and two cups of coffee.  When he returned with the food, they split the bagel (each putting different toppings on it) and my friend and I started chatting with them. We learned that they frequented the coffee shop to play cards and enjoy the ambience of the location.

I thought nothing much of the encounter.  A few days ago I stopped in for a quick hot tea on my way to take care of a months worth of holiday shopping in three hours (don’t ask).  As I walked in, there they were.  I couldn’t resist and I joined them.

Retired over 10 years ago, she was recovering from cancer, he of a heart attack (massive).  They felt the grace of still being able to play cards together.  I asked them why a coffee shop and they told me that when they first met, it was over a cup of coffee.  The experience of buying a cup of coffee – which we all take for granted – means so much to them.  It means the start of their love, their life together, and their ability to continue to experience the joy of being alive.

It is so easy to take for granted the little things in life.  A cup of coffee.  A bagel with cream cheese.  Playing a game of cards with the love of your life.  It’s so seriously easy but we make it so difficult.  We live our lives with the craziness of our negative emotions, fears and insecurities.  And, we fail to pay attention to the little things in life.

Yet, every day we wake up breathing – that’s a gift.  We have the freedom to choose what we’ll eat in the morning – something we take for granted.  We have a bed to sleep in, even if we don’t get as much sleep as we’d like!

We have people who will never let us drown.  We can see (or feel) the sun shine. Our iPod works (if we can find our headphones —- hey kids, stop stealing my headphones!).  Let’s not take for granted that we can get stuck in traffic, which gives us time to think. Or have our family around (ok – maybe that’s pushing it!).  What about the person who does something that hurts us?  That’s a gift that allows us to grow.

So much goes on each day that’s a gift.  I’m going to try to embrace the good in the present, instead of seeing the same things in the negative.  Want to join me?

Have an amazing evening!

 

Some people can’t change. And we can’t worry about that nor should we have them in our lives for any significant period of time.  But you, my friends, are not frozen in stone.  You can change.  And you can choose certain people who possess qualities you admire.

What are those qualities?  What are you looking for in a partner/friend, in your child and even in yourself?  What qualities do you value?  I was once asked to make a list of my top qualities in those I love (and the ones I desire for myself).  So, based off something a friend sent me years ago, I’ve created my own “cheat sheet” if you will:

1. Honesty.  Honesty is a way of life. It means you don’t steal, you don’t cheat on your taxes and you are faithful to your partner.  What do you do when you are given 10 more dollars than you’re supposed to get from the cashier?

2. Happiness. Being genuinely grateful for what you have and looking forward each day can make you feel a kind of happiness that is contagious.

3. Respect. When you treat others as you would like to be treated, you are showing the ultimate kind of respect.

4. Have fun.  Slow down from life’s frantic pace and have fun – even for just a few minutes.  Even for a second to dance in the kitchen while making breakfast.  🙂 (right kids?!)

5. Confidence. There is always someone out there better than you at something.  But having confidence is critical to being as successful as you can be.

6. Transparency. Be open and honest with those you love. Express your opinions, but more importantly, listen to theirs without criticizing.

7. Discipline.  Meet your obligations.  Someone is not watching you every minute of every day – but you still must have an ethical self and act accordingly.  Be strong enough to say no to life’s many temptations.

8. Giving.  There is nothing more irritating than people who give gifts or help with a predetermined outcome on their mind. That is not a giving person – you want givers in your life.

9. Compassion. Empathy is the most basic and strongest act of kindness  we accomplish as humans.

10. Passion. We should be able to be fired up over something, whether it be sports or wine or just being alive.

11. Patience. Rome wasn’t built overnight. Keep that in mind.

12. Self-reflectiveness. Obvious. Everyone has a few skeletons in their closet, and that’s okay. Being unwilling to confront those obstacles is a very big problem.

How many do you fit?  How about your partner?  Your friends?

Send this to a person you know who fits this for you and in your life – and thank them.  I’m going to remind my children.

Look, we’re never going to be perfect.  But, we can change and learn from our mistakes, as long as we know where we want to end up.

Have a great day!

We grew up with enough but not much.  We shopped at the Goodwill and going to Sears meant new clothes.  Remember the excitement of each new Sears Catalog?  The Red Lobster was a big deal too – an expensive night out.  I have forgotten my feeling of the decadence of those dinners.  

When I was in high school we lived for a year without running water.  Imagine that.  I was so grateful when we finally moved to a house with water.  I told myself to never forget the joy and thankfulness of having running water.  I’ve forgotten that too.

When something “bad” happens I tend to focus on what’s happened rather than what can now happen with this new life change.  Know what I mean?

The only obstacle to being thankful is not observing with attention. We grow used to what we have and we start to take it for granted.  Honestly, it feels weird to be writing about this during the holidays – when everything’s about being thankful.  I want to remember this all year round.

How about this:

Be grateful for what you already have.
Declare what you would like to have with positive emotion.
Act on the opportunities that appear in front of you.  

Joe Vitale

Notice how his emphasis is on being thankful for what you already have before asking for something else. 

Here are my strategies for staying grateful (hopefully for more than the holiday season):

• Remember the Bad. When we remember how difficult life used to be and where we are now, we set the stage for gratefulness.
• Utilize the meditation technique known as Naikan, which involves reflecting on three questions: “What have I received from __?”, “What have I given to __?”, and “What troubles and difficulty have I caused?”
• Love your body. Appreciate what it means to be human and alive.  The human body is not only a miraculous construction, but also a gift.
• Use Visual Cues. The two primary obstacles to gratefulness are forgetfulness and a lack of mindful awareness.  Visual reminders can serve as cues to trigger thoughts of gratitude. My best visual reminders are people.
• Watch your Language. Grateful people talk about gifts, blessings, being fortunate and abundance. Focus on the good things others have done for you.
• Go Through the Motions. Grateful motions include smiling, saying thank you, and writing notes of gratitude.

When I easily pull out my credit card to buy Chinese food for my crew, I want to remember the joy of The Red Lobster and how excited I was to pay for one dinner.

So, as we continue to spend time with friends, family, shop and eat (a lot), let’s take a moment to be grateful for what we already have in our lives and give a moment to those that don’t.

“Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others.” Marcus Cicero

XO

With with craziness of the world right now, I’ve come up with my list of 20 rules I’d like to live by (and my kids as well).  I’m far from perfect in following these but it’s always good to have a dream!  Here’s the list now posted on our  refrigerator:

1. Be kind, not nice. Kindness is intentional and meaningful.  When you’re kind, you’re also being generous – emotionally and otherwise.  Niceness is often like window-dressing, pretty but sometimes fake.

2. Forgive the past (and the present) so it won’t screw up the future.

3. When in doubt, just take a small step.

4. Keep your sense of humor.  It’ll bring a sense of perspective to situations that provide for a broader view of the situation.  

5. Overprepare.

6. The pinnacle of life is always slippery.  Only plateaus offer a place to rest.   Don’t stay on the plateaus too long and pack your bags accordingly.

7. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

8. Fall in love with someone’s mind and how they treat you.  Nothing else.

9. It’s ok to let your kids (and people) see you cry.

10. Avoid too much power.  Power allows us to persuade stupid people to do intelligent things and intelligent people to do stupid things.  That’s why power is so dangerous.

11. Sherlock Holmes said, “Work is the best antidote to sorrow, my dear Watson.” Listen to Sherlock. But remember, your job won’t take care of you when you’re sick.  Your friends will.  So stay in touch with them.

12. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

13. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful or makes you feel joyful. That includes people.

14. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d likely grab ours back.

15. Everybody wants a shortcut to love, success and weight loss, although not necessarily in that order.  However, there are no shortcuts in life. Anyone who tells you there are, is lying to you.

16. Be aware that a safety net, if pulled too tightly, easily turns into a noose. Don’t trade independence for security without being aware of the consequences.

17. Life’s too short to waste time hating anyone.

18. Don’t compare your life to others’. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

19. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

20. Stay awake.  Miracles are everywhere.

Friends – have a great start to your week!

It didn’t happen overnight.  I used to be smart.  Didn’t embarrass anyone by just being around.  Dressed appropriately.

But now, to my boys, I’m kind of embarrassing and sort of stupid.  I’m not sure how that happened.

Last week my son and I saw a cute kid in diapers running around and I commented that I can’t wait until I change his baby’s diapers (well, I can wait until it’s appropriate – but that’s another topic!).  His response, “Mom, by the time I have kids in diapers, you’ll be in diapers.”  (WTF!?)

I know I’m at least street smart and can find my way around town.  I can cook killer Italian meatballs.  I can distinguish a good wine.  What more do I need to know?

Well, when you have teenagers in the house, what you need to know is that they think you know Jack S*** (sorry to my friends with Jacks).

Let me tell you what I’ve been told lately:

1. “Mom, How could you possibly know more than someone who has a four-year degree on the subject of _______?  You are a lawyer not a ____.  There is no way you are smarter than them.”  Friends, I wanted my response to be WTF (and maybe it was, I was so mad).  But instead I said – EXPERIENCE AND OLD AGE. Going to school for four years, drinking three of them away … yea, end of discussion.
2. “Mom, I’m as good a driver as you – probably even better because I just took the driver’s training course.  You don’t even remember the rules of driving.”  I wanted my respond to be WTF (and I think it was).  But I also said – Do you want a car?  Do you want someone to pay for your insurance and your gas?  If so, then never, ever (until you have to quietly take my license away from me at 95) say you can drive better than me.
3. “Mom, why do we have to pick up those wet clothes and towels or those bowls of food or candy wrappers we leave on the floor?  We always pick up at the end of the week.”  Oh, my love, let me list the reasons: Mice, Mold, Mother’s wrath, Mice,  Mold, Mom is fed up and needs a vacation.

This profound fall from grace in the eyes of my kids is a bit of a relief because I’m no longer expected to be right.  In fact, I’m expected to be wrong all the time, which means I can only go up from here!

Look, I don’t want to invalidate my kids and their efforts to grow and learn on their own.  But I need to have mental health boundaries and retain some level of self-respect.  Maybe someday (is tomorrow too much to ask for?) they’ll come to the conclusion that I’m not stupid.  Just old, tired and fed up with trying to challenge their opinions of my intelligence.  At least I’m smart enough to get a credit card. 🙂

Have a nice night!

 

We live in The Land of Fix-It.  We can fix our sagging faces, our overweight bodies, our failing marriages, our unhappy jobs, relationships, situations, etc.  All with a pill or surgery or a divorce lawyer.  We can fix everything – right?

Wrong. Sometimes, you just can’t fix it.  Sometimes there’s really nothing you can do. It’s the beauty and curse of life.

Yesterday I told a friend that life (or g-d or whatever you want to say here) gives us insane situations.  Things that happen to us that are so painful it’s hard to breathe.  Yet, there’s nothing we can do to fix the situation.  It is what it is.  The only saving grace we have is just that – grace – the grace within which we deal with the situation.

I have a friend who went through some very trying times.  While he was going through s*** another friend was going through s*** of his own.  Yet, the way in which these two men carried themselves were like night and day.  One person was always positive, upbeat.  He did express fear and sadness.  But he also looked forward and didn’t blame one person for what was happening to him. The other blamed everyone around him.  He was angry and lashed out – almost coming out sideways at times.  The latter friend never seemed to recover.  The former did and is on to a new life.

When bad things happen to us, we often want to understand the “why” so we can fix the problem.  But instead of “why,” shouldn’t we be asking, “What’s the best way to cope with this challenge?”  The why will come later – after we’ve experienced the experience.

Moreover, as awful as this sounds – there’s always some value in challenging/painful situations.  When my mom died, I didn’t see the value.  How could I?  Yet, there was value.  Her death at that moment in my life changed me, my relationships and my view of what’s important.  Yes, it was painful.  But I saw it as a payment toward the tuition for The School of Life.

I wish I could say that at some point bad things stop happening. That would be nice – but it won’t happen.  How you cope with the challenges you face says a lot about your emotional maturity and your inner nature.  Finding a way to upgrade from the present to the future is the goal.  And having a positive perspective, staying focused on the experience rather than the fear of the change, will help the quality of this journey we call life.

Have a safe evening friends, and a wonderful day tomorrow!

Not all holidays are created equally but all holidays are really difficult for some.

For many years I didn’t like the holidays.  Me.  The lover of love, joy and friendship!

It started when my mom died.  Then, I got divorced and had to split the holidays – that made it even worse.  Even the relationship I was in, left me alone on the holidays.  I became the skinny, brown-haired Grinch in running shoes!

One day when I was out with some friends I heard someone complaining about her Thanksgiving.  How her aunt complained that she didn’t make sweet potatoes the “family” way.  How her kids were wild – running around from a sugar high.  And how just once she wanted to have the day to herself.  I almost opened my mouth, but didn’t.

Nothing’s perfect.  She had everything I was looking for on the holiday but was unhappy with the day.  I had what she wanted and I was unhappy.

The next year I decided to enjoy whatever I was fortunate to experience.  I asked my dad to meet me for Chinese food and a movie.  We really enjoyed our time and it’s since become a tradition!

That was also the first year some stores were open late on Thanksgiving evening.  Actually I think it was only Walmart.  So, after I dropped my dad off, I drove across town rather than go home to a dark house.  I didn’t go to buy anything – just to avoid going home.

I met her in the toy department. She looked horrible.  Face all red as if she’d been crying.  I walked up, smiled and said, “Happy Thanksgiving.”  She looked at me and started to cry.  I knew.  I totally knew.  Her kids were gone and she was missing them so much.  She felt lost and broken.  I hugged her, told her I was 5 years post that point and that there’s light on the other side.  She told me how coming to Walmart and wandering around the store was her saving grace.  I had to agree and I spent the next hour with her.

I don’t like people having to work on a holiday. But we all have different lives. There are people with no food or place to live.  There are people who are separated from family they love or with family they don’t love. There are those who struggle with the food or alcohol or drugs.

There’s so much pressure to make it perfect and there’s no way it can be perfect.

So, today – the beginning of the “holiday” season, let’s try to lower our expectations about perfection.  In fact, maybe if we enjoyed the imperfections – it might seem a bit more perfect.

It’s easy to judge our families, ourselves and others.  Instead try to just live in the moment – as imperfect as it’s bound to be.  And remember, this should be a season about helping others and being thankful for what we have – not what we wish it was.

Have an amazing day!

 

 

My friend is going through a major life crisis.  It’s heart breaking to watch and I’m constantly thinking about her and her family.  Tomorrow is a big day for them and I suggested that she try not to think about what could happen but to live in the grace of the moment – stay present.

Then I said to myself, “WTF, Jessica.  You can’t stay present long enough to write a blog post.  Really?  You’re going to tell her that?  Why not suggest she do the laundry or load and unload the dishwasher, or get into some deep controversial conversations with her children.  That’s all you seem to be good at doing these days.”

Deep breath.  No judgment.

Please tell me I’m not alone.  Don’t we all rush blindly through our day and through every experience?  Then we go to bed and do it all over again the next day?  Think the movie – Groundhog’s Day.  Aren’t you exhausted?  I am.  And the way we’re living – it’s almost as if our lives are filled with thousands of meaningless moments, all strung together.

But when we have that heart stopping moment of connection –  we know it’s  the Ahh ha of being present.

For the last 3-4 days I’ve had the song (which is below) stuck in my mind. I love the song but it was getting to be a bit too freaking much.  And, as we all know, I’ve not been present for weeks (hence my feeling “stuck”).  Today when I got in the car I put on the radio to find another song for my brain — and lo and behold, the second I turned it on – the song was playing.  As you can imagine, all I felt at that moment was complete awe and joy.  It was a sign.  I was present.

Why do we wait for major events to honor the moment?  Isn’t every day and every moment sacred?   When I say our lives are filled with meaningless moments, they’re only meaningless because we don’t honor them. We’re rushing about, focusing on other things, and not stopping to notice the magic of life. And those precious moments – we let them go without any acknowledgment from us.

I’m just suggesting we make a tiny shift in our perception that gives meaning and importance to each moment.  It means stopping to notice the beauty and love around and within us.

Look, we all worry about the future, hold regrets about the past, and completely ignore the present.  But when I’m present, when I’m giving my full attention to the moment, I experience an aura of beauty.  And all that’s changed is my perception of the moment.

So, to my beautiful friend, her husband and family.  I’m sending you all my love.  No matter how tomorrow turns out, be present for you and for him.  You’ll see the miracles all around you.  And I will remain present for all of you too. XOXO

Enjoy the song and have an amazing weekend my friends. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ixEOMB6jyEE

 

I’m struggling.  Struggling with what’s happening to our planet, our country and our state.  I’m struggling with what’s happening in my house (who doesn’t struggle with teens? 🙂  (love ’em!)), struggling watching my friends be hurt and struggling with things on my own mind.

I wish I could see peace in just one of those areas.  But we can’t because we don’t, as Mother Terese said, believe we belong together.

We want to separate ourselves and hide from harm.  So we close our homes, our lives and our minds.  We want to protect our family first – and who can blame us?  The entire world is about “protecting” what they believe is “right.”

Last night my guys and I had a very heated discussion about world peace – I got a bit stressed out and went to my happy place … Target.  (I know that says a freaking lot about me but just try to love my flaws!).  When I came home, I looked at the young men, whom I love and respect for their tenacity and beliefs, and I said, with tears in my eyes:

I can’t change.  My whole being feels for people.  I think I’ve been this way my whole life.  If I die helping someone, know that I was happy and it was perfect.  But, at Target, I realized that there is no such thing as world peace now. We can’t give up our wars and conflicts.  We can’t accept and love others no matter what they look like, think or how they live.  World peace is unattainable. (I had their attention now)

Why?  Because as long as personal conflict exists, there will never be world peace. Wars are built from insecurities.  The “I’m right and you’re not.” Or, the “that’s mine and not yours.”

Wars (internal and external) come from the ground up. They come from inside people first.

How can we ask our leaders to change unless we change ourselves?  I’m not suggesting we give equal priority to the whole of humanity as opposed to our own family.  But we need to evolve so that the decisions we make are not just about “us” but are about the greater good.  We need to learn a new culture where narrow-minded, selfishness is no longer acceptable.

We need to believe that we can love our country and not hate others; that working together is more fulfilling than working alone; that we’re all members of the same human family who happen to have been born on a different part of the same blue speck of dust we call earth.

One never knows what resonates with teenagers.  But one thing’s for sure – their differing beliefs caused me to think more clearly about my own.  So listen, my friends, to all the different ideas out there and love those that don’t agree with you.  It’s the first step toward moving away from selfishness and toward peace.

Stay warm! XO

 

Two days ago I posted a blog on love.  Once I hit publish, I told my boys that I wasn’t sure I liked what I’d written.  It’s odd because I’d not written in a while.  Well, actually, I’d written at least 10 posts in the last two weeks, but didn’t like anything and just didn’t post them.  I felt stuck.  When I told the boys about my problem my son said, “Why don’t you write about that?  People get stuck all the time.”

I’m for sure stuck.

Being “stuck” is a feeling, not a fact.  Yet, the more I thought about that “feeling” the worse it got.  I had no more good blog ideas.  I was missing focus and direction.  I was stuck in more than one area of my life.

I’m not going to ask you to admit it (or write it!), but I know we’ve all been stuck. The question is how do we get unstuck:

First step – take nothing for granted, including being stuck.  This was tough for me because I didn’t like the feeling of being stuck.

Second step – let go of yesterday’s regrets. Forget your frustrations. Ignore old pain. The energy it takes to hang onto these things is what holds us back from a new beginning. So true.

Third step – acknowledge that feeling stuck is a sign that it’s time to make a change.  It could be a change of heart, a change in perspective, or a change in habits. But the point in any case is that what we’re doing is no longer working.

Imagine yourself as a river, flowing into an ocean. Typically a river grows narrower and looks like it lacks movement just before it breaks through to the larger body of water. The same thing happens as we prepare for a breakthrough in life. Our flow must contract before it can expand. And the contraction is equally important to the expansion.

Fourth step – If you’ve been asking the same questions for a while and you’re still stuck, it’s probably not that you haven’t been given the answers.  It’s probably that you missed (ignored) the answers you were given. Remember, it takes courage to admit that something needs to change, and a lot more courage to accept responsibility for making the change happen. Growth and change may be painful and confusing.  But nothing in life is as painful as staying stuck where you don’t belong.  Remember, the only person who can truly hold you back is you.

We need to let go of what “should” or “could” happen.  We need to appreciate life’s’ various little surprises and joys.  Yes, I’m still be stuck.  But for today, I’m going to feel thankful for where I am and those in my life. I’m sure the rest will unfold and I’ll “see” what I’m supposed to do next (or at least I’ll find my next blog topic!).

Have a safe weekend. XO to those in Paris.