theyearsafter50

Kids can ask the craziest and most bizarre questions.  They can also ask questions that leave you stunned and without an answer.  The other night my son (who is a very deep thinker) was talking to me about how everyone will die someday and there’s nothing to do about it — so why worry (like I do)?  (Love these kids!)

As we quietly lay on the floor I looked at him and it was clear he was thinking.  So I said, “What’s on your mind?”  “Mom,” he said, “What do you think is going through a person’s mind when he realizes that his next breath is going to be his last breath.”

S***

At first, I quickly tried to cover up with — “Oh, honey, people are usually sleeping so they don’t know.”  But then I realized that I was avoiding the real question and issue – the deep feeling he was having about how he loves life and how difficult it will be when it’s time to say good-bye.

I have no idea how he got to this point (this is the one who will hugs me every time he sees me cry.  So, I guess it’s not too shocking that he asked the question).  But, it’s a question that deserves some thought.

First, we never know when.  I imagine that even when someone is close, they must not actually think it’s the last moment.  And, since we can’t know, we’re going to have to look at it from a different angle.

Our focus should be on life.  Taking each breath as if it’s our last.  Really experiencing and making sure we feel as many moments as we can.

Yesterday, I was picking up take-out food and I noticed a couple come in for dinner.  They were in their 60’s.  I watched the husband, without a second thought, reach over and start to touch his wife’s hair.  She looked at him and smiled.  It was a split second move.  Likely without thought.  But it had enough meaning for a lifetime.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this post other than to remind you that the reason we want to continue to take breaths, is not because of our nice furniture, new clothes or beautiful jewelry:

We want to continue to breathe because of the love in our lives.

That’s it.

So, show and express your love today.  Touch someone’s arm when you talk to them. Give a loving look, smile or hug.  For those of you who are the constant recipients of my unconscious hand squeezes, hugs and touches — pawn it off to my constant feelings of love for you (and being Italian!).  

That’s it.  It was a good question with no answer.  But once more, one of my kids has left me thinking about how lucky I am — in every sense of the word.

Pay attention this weekend and have an amazing day!

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I had a plan. I thought it would work out perfectly.  And as time moved forward, I could see cracks forming.  I quickly tried to fill them up but new ones formed and in the end, the plan fell apart.  This didn’t leave me feeling emotionally fit (or happy).

I know this is not a new phenomena.  We have many disappointments in life: our kids do things we REALLY wish they wouldn’t, our partners behave in ways that feel bad and sometimes we’re disappointed with ourselves.

Disappointment is one of life’s most difficult feelings. And disappointment has a lot of emotions mixed together – like anger, hurt, sadness  and fear.  When you have just one of these emotions, it’s difficult to manage, but add the others on top and it’s hard to wrap it all up into a nice looking package.

I’ve been thinking of ways to deal with life’s disappointments and here’s what I’ve come up with:

1. Talk about it and feel it.

One of the hardest things in life is to actually feel negative emotions.  We’re masters at hiding our feelings and emotions at such a level that we forget how to actually feel.  It’s ok (and human) to cry and feel bad.  But, in our world of immediacy, we have to learn that sometimes we need time.

The funny thing is we allow our children to feel their emotions – screaming, crying, throwing tantrums (and things!),  Yet, along the way we tell them to zip it and stop showing their emotions.  I’m not suggesting having a tantrum at the store when they don’t have the dress you want.  But I am saying that it’s ok to feel your feelings.  It’s called, being present.

2. Concentrate on your heart.

Disappointment runs through the core of our being.  For example, one of my values is openness with my love and kindness to anyone – regardless of how someone treats me.  This is good most of the time.  But, a few people have taken advantage of this part of me.  When that happens, I want to shut down and go into my cave.  This last time, I tried the following:  (a) I paused and allowed my feelings to be near me – for more than a day!; (b) I looked at my choices: remain open-hearted or shut down.  No brainer choice; and (c) I realized what other people do to me does not define me — it defines them.

3. Be Accepting.

S*** happens.  And, disappointment feels dark.  But, if we work on accepting that some things are outside our control, we can at least let go a bit and look a new direction.  This idea of acceptance is a lifelong challenge (definitely for me!).

We need to be physically and emotionally fit in life.  And the only way to do the latter is to experience/appreciate all our feelings – even the difficult ones.

When you live by your principles, you’ll still have disappointment. But you’ll also be feeling all of life’s emotions.  How great is that??!!

Have a wonderful day!

We live in the age of awkward.  In fact, my son just said to me, “When you do XXX, it’s weird and awkward.”  (Thankfully, my daughter told them that her friends think I’m a cool mom!).  Let’s be honest – it’s hip to be square, cool to be uncool, and sexy to be nerdy (and quirky).  Recently, I heard someone say that they were a “little OCD” about something, and while I heard it, I didn’t think much about it until yesterday when I saw her walking down the sidewalk.

I was leaving the health club when she caught my eye.  She was walking very slowly (and sideways) down the sidewalk.  I quickly realized that she was avoiding every crack – I mean every crack.  As she got toward the corner, her steps got very small and she walked on her tip toes, as there were many cracks.

I was mesmerized at the perfection of her steps.  Eventually a car came and I had to keep going.  But as I drove away, I realized how incredibly strong our thoughts are.  And how strong her thoughts must be.  For some, they’re so strong they’re overwhelming and manifest in ways that are more than quirky.

This situation fits one of my favorite quotes:

You need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select your clothes every day. This is a power you can cultivate. If you want to control things in your life so bad, work on the mind. That’s the only thing you should be trying to control.  Elizabeth Gilbert

I’ve been struggling with the fear of a decision and recently a friend suggested that a direction I was going was because I was afraid, not because it was the right direction.   So, I decided to change my thoughts about the decision.

Thought power is the key to creating our reality.  I believe that everything we perceive in the physical world has its origin in the inner world of our thoughts and beliefs.  So, in order for us to move in a particular direction, we need to control our negative thoughts.  In this way, we’ll attract what we want and need in our lives.

Think about it:  every aspect of our lives, from the state of our finances to the state of our health and our relationships, reveals our thoughts and beliefs.

We have it backwards when we think that the s*** that happens to us has an effect on how we’re feeling.  It’s the reverse – what we’re thinking creates what happens.  In other words, the creation of our reality really is an inside job.

I won’t ever joke about being OCD.  I’m sure it’s a horrible feeling and it made me feel sad watching her.

But I suggest we take the strength of our thoughts and do something with it. Maybe I’ll put mine toward my kids remembering not to leave wet towels on their floor!! 🙂

Hope you’ve had a great start to your week!

The one thing that we know for sure about life is that time keeps moving.  Every time we want it to stand still, to bask in whatever the feeling — love, joy, peace — it doesn’t.  And, not only that – but there are moments, fleeting seconds, where you make decisions that will forever change your world.  I’ve got a story to tell you about that:

When we were trying to get pregnant – I couldn’t.  It was not going to happen the romantic and easy way.  Nope.  All my friends were getting pregnant and I looked like a junkie with marks all over my arms from blood draws, injections, etc.  It took me awhile, but eventually I realized that getting pregnant was only going to happen with doctors, shots and medication.  It was an extremely stressful time of my life.

There was one cycle, where I went through all the hoops – the injections and all the appointments and when it was time to decide if we should finish it off we went to consult with the doctor.  “No,” he told us.  “The cycle wasn’t a good one and you’re not likely to get pregnant.  Just scrap it and you can start the next one quicker.”  I felt like a truck had hit me. Start all over?  I was getting older by the minute.

Yet, sitting in that office, I felt a gentle nudge.  Something told me to move forward – to finish the cycle.  So, I quietly told the doctor that contrary to his direction, I just wanted to keep going and see what might happen.

And that was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made — she was destined to join my life at that moment.

Now, here I am, 18 years later.  My life forever changed and crying whenever I realize how quickly the ticks of my clock are moving.  How did you get to be an adult?

Dear Lovie girl: Thank you for being with me.  For allowing me to teach you and for all the teaching you’ve done for me.  You are a beautiful and old soul.  Thank you for being an amazing sister.  Your brothers know how lucky they are and I know you can feel their love.  I’m thankful for the relationship you all have.

I am amazed at your passion, your beauty (inside and out), your resilience, humor and your ability to give love and joy to anyone you meet.  You have gone your own path but you’ve done it with grace and focus.  I smile just thinking about you.

To my friends, you know what I mean, right?  That deep feeling you have inside your heart when you think of your children.  It doesn’t matter if they’re biological or not or if it’s their birthday or not.  That heart feeling — it’s there all the time.

So  Happy Happy 18th Lovie!  We love you.  We really, really love you.  And, we’re so grateful that you’re in our lives.  On Wisconsin!!!

XOXO

As you may have noted, no posts from me for a few days.  We are on a vacation (much-needed) with some other families.  So, the other day, when the boys were with their friends, and my daughter hadn’t yet flown in, I had about an hour by myself.  I could feel I was in need of some “alone” time but I’m at a big resort and there are people all around.  So, like someone who is not thinking clearly or cleanly, I head to the pool!  (What the hell, Jessica?  It’s 80+ degrees and where am I thinking everyone is going to be???).

But, when I get there, no one is in the deep end of the pool.  Exactly where I want to be jogging all by myself.  I think I’m golden!  Yet, as if I’m a magnet, as soon as I get in about 1,000 kids jump in the pool with me.  They’re not just swimming.  They’re doing cannon balls all around me! WTF!  I could feel my blood pressure rising … this was the exact opposite of my goal.

I decide (as only a Type A person will do) that I’m going to stake my claim and win this game.  I’m going to stay in the pool until everyone leaves.  And, slowly but surely, I do start winning.  These kids get tired of splashing me, bombing me and throwing a football back and forth (which hits me in the head twice).  And, one by one, they start to leave.

Through out this internal contest, I see one kid who is there by himself.  He’s significantly overweight and always trying to connect with someone to play with.  As the kids kept getting out, he had less and less to connect with. I started to forget my goal and kept hoping that some kids would stay to hang with him.

Yet, this was not to be and when all was said and done, we were the only two in the pool.  I felt sad for him and guilty that I wanted some alone time and he didn’t want any alone time.

Life is funny that way.  Just when we think we want something other than what we have – we realize how grateful we should be for what’s in front of us.  Maybe my attempt for an hour alone was just really a good reminder to me that there’s no fun to being alone.  There’s nothing better than being with people we love and enjoy.  In a former relationship, I used to say that my favorite times were when we were all together with the craziness of kids, friends, food and wine.  Don’t you agree?

My hour was nice but I’ll for sure take crazy any day of the week.

Miss you all!  XOXO

Sometimes I just don’t feel like doing what I’ve set out to do.  This time it was going swimming.  It was 7 a.m. yesterday and I sat on the edge of the pool deck, complaining to myself about what the f*** I was doing here instead of in my nice warm bed.  A woman who had been floating around (not swimming) in the lane next to me, asked if I could help her get up the pool stairs and out of the pool.  “Sure!” I said,  “I’m looking for an excuse not to get in.  I just don’t want to be here this morning!”

She graciously looked at me and smiled.  She told me that she needed help because she is weak from her chemotherapy.  She’s at the end and sometimes just floating in the pool makes her feel so wonderful.  She said when in the pool she feels free of pain and exhaustion.  She told me how grateful she was for the opportunity to even be there – let alone get in the pool.

Yea, I felt like shit for complaining.  And, as I swam my laps, I beat myself up.  But eventually I realized that it’s natural for people to complain. Every day we’re faced with a lot of reasons to complain: too much work, not in a good situation, it’s too hot, it’s too cold, someone treats you badly, etc.  To expect a life without complaining (by you or others) is unrealistic.

We complain about what someone is “doing” to us.  But a simple change in perspective – looking at our thoughts, expectations and judgments, we may be able to see the situation in a different (better) light.

We often complain about what we don’t have or how we don’t measure up. This is also a waste of energy.  Why don’t we compare ourselves with those who aren’t as fortunate as you.  Let’s look around and see what we really do have.  Think about how many people would love to be in our position.

This lead me to my final thought … on my final lap:

Be grateful.

Be grateful for we have and for what others have.  Is life a race to see who can collect the most stuff or do the most things? Sometimes its best to just mind our own business. To focus on what makes us happy and how we can add value to our life and the lives around us — for as long as we’re here.

As I got out of the pool, I felt thankful for that chance encounter.  The brief conversation was a reminder that I’m lucky to be able to get up while my children are quietly sleeping, put on my swimsuit and slide into the pool for a peaceful workout.  I hope she’ll be ok.  I may still complain about the pool.  But I’ll also always think of her at the same time.

Let’s feel grateful today.

Dear Dad,

Last night was an average night.  Squeezing in dinner with you, me and the kids after a busy weekend.  As we were trying to plan dinner, the kids all had different ideas about what was to happen. One didn’t want to leave the house and wanted you to come over for dinner.  One was feeling picky about the food choice.  And another was asking me questions about timing and the upcoming basketball game, which everyone wanted to watch. But somehow we got it all together and met you at our favorite Dinkytown restaurant.

As we sat there, the conversation was the same as always: science, creation of a new source of energy, religion, the crisis overseas and the kids picking on one another (lovingly of course!).  But, it wasn’t the content of the conversations that struck me.  It was the ease at which you spoke with them.  Never judging their ideas.  Never shutting down their opinions, even the ones that were different from yours.

There’s a serious difference between being a parent and being a grandparent.  We parents tend to want to put our own spin and direction on what’s happening with our kids.  We can be a bit more controlling.  But being a grandparent, you have the ability (and sanity) to step back, listen and simply encourage.

I remember my mom saying that if she’d known how great it was to be a grandma, she’d have done it first.  I’m not sure I’d agree as I’m having the time of my life with the kids right now (as I know only you can understand).  Yet, I’ve told all three that when it’s time (and it’s NOT time yet) to have sex for the purpose of having children (again kids, it’s NOT time yet!), I want them to have a lot of it.   I just can’t wait to be a grandma!! 🙂

So Dad, I appreciate the role you play in your grandkids’ lives.  I know it’s not always been that way.  But why look backward, when we can live in the moment eating chinese food?  And, if I’ve learned anything about you and my kids, it’s that there’s no other relationship that can give so much with so little — other than love.

Thanks again for dinner.  It was just an average night that felt not-so-average to me.

Love JK

Friends: Your letter can be to anyone important in the lives of your children.  We parents can take a lesson from our parents or other elders.  When we just sit back, listen and allow our kids to talk … it’s amazing what comes out – unfiltered, heartfelt, and with a curiosity about the world that often ends as we hit adulthood.  It’s easy to forget how open their minds are and how much they can learn from people other than us! Have a great start to your week.

 

 

One of my “new” (very fast) running friends invited me to her yoga class today, which was celebrating the spring equinox with 108 sun salutations.  My plan was to close my eyes, stay in the back of the room, focus on my breathing and try to survive.  However, during the course of the 108, 4 random topics came to my mind:

Differences: Why is it that we just can’t accept differences in people?  The list of major tragedies in our history caused by fear of diversity: slavery, the Holocaust, The Crusades, the genocide of the American Indian – is unbelievable. People died because they were different in their appearance and beliefs. They still die because of differences.  What can we do to avoid being judgmental?  We can try and understand people who think differently than us. We can agree to disagree.  Can you imagine a world where everyone in every continent got along?  Think about it for one second. I believe that understanding and accepting people from all walks of life is key to finding peace in our own lives.

Avoidance: We all avoid situations that appear stressful, uncontrolled, or scary.  But the truth is avoidance is one of the top contributing factors to anxiety and stress.  So while trying to avoid a problem or issue in our lives may temporarily decrease our anxiety, it really serves to increase it.  I’m the queen of avoidance.  I can avoid phone calls and conversations that feel steeped with conflict or will cause me to face my own s***.    From salutation 45-54, I realized that my fear is created by me.  And, if I’d just face myself, I’d see that there’s nothing there but me.  Who could be afraid of me? 🙂

Breathing: Think about when your kids were sleeping and you would feel their warm breath on your neck.  I think of my breath as a way to give energy and take it in.  One breath per move became so easy that I completely forgot to count.  When you lay in bed tonight just listen to your breath. It’s beautiful.

Thankfulness: I made sure I said “thank you” to my body at the start of each sun salutation. Why? Because I never really thank my body for what it gives me each day.  I complain about certain parts of it.  I forget that my legs allow me to run and my skinny arms allow me to hug.  Sometimes I’m totally ungrateful for the physical me.  So, each “thank you” was for you and me.  An appreciation for what we have, physically, emotionally and materially.  There’s always something else to have, but if we’re thankful for what we have right now, we’ll end up having more.  If we concentrate on what we don’t have, we’ll never have enough.

And with that, I ever so quietly finished my 108 salutations.  Thank you to my partners today.  And thanks to all of you for loving me and my words. You inspire me.

Welcome to spring. XOXO

 

There are many beautiful truths about love.  It’s life-giving and drives us to be better people/parents/partners.  Loving someone means that you believe in them — in their potential.  It means you treat them with kindness and gentleness.  Love means that you celebrate them – their successes – and are there for their failures.

Yet, there are some truths about love that are not beautiful. For example, sometimes, when we love someone, we do them more harm than good. Sometimes, we love more than one person. Sometimes, unfortunately, someone won’t let go of an old love without a new one in its place. And sometimes those who love us, lie to us.

There are also some mistruths – some messages we have about love that aren’t very helpful.  For example, there’s a myth that loving someone means being there for them and available no matter what.  This, it turns out, is not true and often leads to resentment for the person who gives up for the other.  Or that there’s one “true” love.  Nope.  Not that easy!

Lately, I’ve had some really cool love experiences, which have led me to examine the truths about love  – things to do – as it relates to our partners, kids and close friends (I’m still “young” and reserve the right to add or delete to this list as I slowly get old(er)!):

1. Tell them about their brilliance and beauty – inside and out.  One thing we know about people is that they don’t often see this in themselves.  You see it and feel it – so, tell them.

2. Don’t confuse “directness” with saying everything you think.  A former partner used want me to be direct with him and figured I wanted the same.  First, he didn’t really want me to be direct!  And second, directness can hurt. If you’re feeling frustrated with someone, go to yoga, take a walk, think of a better way to share your thoughts.  Don’t pollute your relationship.  It takes a lot of work once your site is polluted.

3. Listen.  If nothing in the conversation interested you, you weren’t really listening.

4. Take responsibility for your actions.  Done.

5. Give permission for someone to make a mistake or two.  However, the same mistake over and over again means nothing’s changing.

6. Screw that whole idea of trying to change someone.  Habits and personalities are there to stay – even with our kids.  We can show them new ways but if they don’t want to go that direction then you’ve got to let go.  Also, don’t confuse love with being a doormat.  Take care of yourself if their “habits” hurt you.

7. Love is not resentment.  If you feel it, something’s wrong.

8.  Every person on this earth has something to give.  Treat them as such.  I try to think of it this way: Everything that happens from one person to me is either love or a need for love.

Here’s the truest statement of all:

What will survive of us is love.  Philip Larkin, poet.

XOXO

I used to ask this question about relationships – Am I passionate about this person?  I don’t mean sex (although that’s critically important!).  I mean am I passionate about who the person is? Am I in partnership that I value and that values me?

Now I also ask this question about my life.

• What are you passionate about?
• Is your life pointed in the direction of your passion?
• Are the people in your life supportive of who you are as a person?

Someone I know recently passed away and at her funeral it was clear she lived her passion.  And, while I sat there, I thought – it’s hard enough to find our passion.  It’s got to be even harder to follow it, which often requires a total leap of faith.  So, rather than continuing to wonder about my direction, I did a few things:

1. I  slowed down.

When we slow down, we’re able to tap into the best version of ourselves. This is where our answers are.  Sometimes I go too fast because I don’t want to think and if I keep moving, I don’t have to.  But, that’s not good long-term – right?

2. I changed my tape.

We all play tapes about who we are, what we’re capable of and what we deserve.  Most of this is self-limiting like: “I’m not good enough” or “This is this is the best I can do.”  It’s pretty hard to change a tape but when I started to acknowledge the negative ones, I could at least hear and acknowledge their negativity.

3. I decided I was Ok.

I used to have a hard time accepting my “unique” blend of strengths, skills, flaws and wisdom.  But we are perfect the way we are.  Remind your children of this – no matter how old they are.

4. I thought about creating affirmations.

I have to be honest – I’ve not done this yet.  But, every thing I’ve read suggests doing this (so, what’s my freaking problem here?).   Try it and let me know how it goes!

5. I decided to have more fun.

I make a conscious effort to laugh and smile more.  It has definitely helped me feel better.  And, that’s got to be the right direction!

6. I (tried to) ignore my fear.

I used to say that I’ll do _____ when I have more money, more time or more …. .  Do it now.  I found these were just excuses to avoid fear or commitment.  Excuses are limiting – push them away to move forward.

So ask yourself the question about passion.  Take the time to think about it.  It warrants and deserves your attention.  After all, in the end we all want to be able to say:

I chose to and lived a life I was passionate about.

Have an amazing day!