theyearsafter50

I have been asking myself a lot of questions lately.  Actually, it started a few years back when I found an article that asked some really serious life questions.  It got me thinking.  Since then I’ve quietly formulated my own list and I wanted to share a few with you:

1. Why don’t you do what you know you should be doing?  The challenge for me is doing the things I know I should be doing, even when getting there will be painful, tough or just plain scary.   Frankly, if we just “did” what we know we should do, instead of thinking about it, the universe might really open up to us.

2. If you achieved all of your life’s goals how would you feel?  What are my life goals?  Is there really something I have to achieve?  I believe in change (although I don’t like it) and I believe in striving for growth and goals.  But shouldn’t the question be, “What kind of life do I want to lead?” 

3. Who did I love today?  I ask myself this question each night when I get in bed.   Actually, as crazy as my life feels (and looks sometimes), being in bed is my most special place.  It’s where I’ve felt some really great love.  It’s where I send my love out each night to the people in my life.  And, it’s where I ask myself, “What did I learn today and who did I love?” 

4. What do you need to make it happen? This is one of my favorite questions when I feel stuck or can’t get to a goal. If nothing else, this question gives us ownership in whatever we’re creating, whether it’s a project or a relationship.

5. What would your (role model) do right now?  Sometimes I ask myself what my mom might do in a situation with my kids.  Or, what might my mentor do with a career question.  Act as if you knew what he/she would do and do it.  

6. If we could wave a magic wand and anything together, what would it be? I’ve never asked a partner this but how cool would it be to remove all mental, physical and financial constraints and think about being together and doing almost anything!  Ask your partner or best friend this question today.

7. Are you being true to your values?  What do you value most in life? I value family, health, work, friends and love.  Am I staying true to my values as I move about the world? Are they working together?  If not, I’ve got to readjust what I’m doing.

8. If you weren’t scared what would you do? What would your 90-year-old self, looking back on your own life, advise you to do right at this moment?  

9. What’s next? Nothing better than to ask this question of yourself and others.  Something amazing will be next!

Got some questions of your own?  Can’t hurt to start a list!

Have a great weekend!

 

I’ve read that the average human being only uses 10% of their brain capacity. Imagine what we could do if we could access even more?   While the potential is enormous, the reality is a bit limited. So true in life as well.  

How many times have you commented on the potential of others?  The potential of a relationship, a job or one of your kids?  My mother used to regularly talk about the potential she saw in my friends.

I once got on a board because I saw enormous potential on what we could do but the organization didn’t want to realize the potential.  I was quickly frustrated. And, I’ve often approached relationships with this notion in mind — seeing what could be – the potential – rather than the reality of what is.  Really bad plan.

The problem with this viewpoint is that “potential” rests with the person who has it – not the person who sees it.  Yes, it’s really nice to see the potential in people but not if they don’t have any interest in that potential.

When we miss the “reality” of a situation it often leads to unrealistic expectations, resentment, and frustration – all of which are based on our desires rather than what actually can be.  Plus, focus on “potential” rather than “reality” often leads us to judgment based on our perception of the potential of the situations.  

This is not to say that people and situations can’t live up to some potential. Or that we shouldn’t look to reach goals or our own potential.  But, that’s our potential.  We should not be in the business of trying to convince someone to live up to our ideals of their potential.  That’s not inspirational or helpful.

So, if you’re in a situation that doesn’t feel just right, where you’re wondering if it will ever be what you want it to be, try this:  

1. Step back and honestly look at your situation from a different perspective.  Be as objective as possible. 

2. Ask yourself what you want (and need) in your relationship or situation. Take some time with this one – it’s critical.

3. Focus on what you like, love and appreciate about this person or the situation.  Look at the needs on both sides.

4. Ask what the job or your partner needs from you.  If you don’t know, ask.  Take the ego out.  The situation may not be the right one and you want to know.

5. What are you willing to do to make a change?  Maybe nothing – that’s an answer.  Maybe something – that’s an answer too.  Have an open discussion with your partner or  yourself. 

6. Can you have what you want/need in this situation?  If not, leave.  You can find it someplace else. If you can, what can you do to get there.  Be honest here about what you can do and what you wish would happen. Follow the “can.”

If we love and live honestly, we really get the most wonderful gifts — happiness and much less frustration!

Have an amazing day!

There are days when there’s just no way I can write about the people I meet.  And, likely this is one of them.  But, I’m going to write about this guy anyway.  I’m 110% sure he won’t read my blog.

Yesterday, I needed propane for our grill.  So, I took the container over to our local gas station.  Last time I did this (at the same gas station), I met a woman who was .25 cents short for a lottery ticket.  I gave it to her.  Hey, maybe she’d win and on TV she’d announce that she won because of the woman who gave her .25 cents!  The time before that, there was a fight at the pumps between two guys.  It required the police be called.  That wasn’t so interesting.

But this guy, he tops them all.  So, as I’m waiting in line, he asks if he can sneak in front of me, “I’m in a big hurry,” he says.  “Sure,” I say.  I think, what does it matter to me?  I’ve only got to run 4 more errands and pick up two boys, go to a meeting, cook and clean up dinner, take a call with a client and meet someone later for a drink.  Yea, I’ve got all the time in the world.

He gets in front of me and proceeds to ask for a few cigars.  He’s also got one of those massive drinks with more liquid than one could pee in a day.  After the clerk rings him up, he gives him the change – a dollar bill.  The customer (a tall guy – about 250), looks at the cashier (a big guy with tattoos up and down both arms and his ear lobes) and says, “Can I get this dollar in quarters?”  The cashier says, “Buddy, if it’s for the air machine outside, it’s free now.”   In a hurried voice the customer says, “I need the quarters for a condom.”

Frankly, I’m not sure what to do at this point.  Should I give him as many quarters as I have so he can buy extras?  Should I say, “Hey man, at least someone’s getting action!”  I say nothing.  I watch as the cashier gives him the quarters and the guy runs to the bathroom.

I say to the cashier, “I really can’t beat that.  I just want some chocolate and propane.”  The cashier shakes his head and says,” Sister, you have no idea the s*** I hear every day.”  By this point the guy’s sprinting out of the bathroom, out the door and into his car – where I can see a woman sitting in the front seat.

What’s the message here?  I’m really not sure. Is it that we should keep a lot of quarters in our cars, just in case?  Or, that warm weather brings new activities?  Or, maybe that we should be thankful people are using condoms!  🙂

Regardless, I hope you have a fun Monday!!!

I’ve had a serious seven-day period.  Some of my experiences felt like being hit by a Mack truck.  Others felt like the universe totally opening up to me.  Today would have been my mom’s 75th birthday and the moon was an absolutely beautiful expression of the “wow” she brought to my life.

In keeping with my week and her birthday, I want to give you my lay-persons list (well, at least the things I’m focusing on) of 10 things I think we should eliminate to live a more centered, passionate and authentic life:

1. Give up your need for control.
In the last five months, my life has made a complete change.  I’m not sure why but I can tell you one thing for sure – I’ve made an enormous effort to give up control of almost everything – situations, events, people, etc.  I’ve just allowed things to happen … and I must tell you it turns out pretty well!

2. Give up your need to be right.
I’ve become a student of others’ opinions.  I listen and try to understand. Would I rather be right or would I rather be kind? Wayne Dyer

3. Give up blame and negativity.
And the point of keeping these going is …?

4. Give up complaining.
Feel bad about something?  Complaining won’t help.  In fact, it’ll just keep it in the fore of your mind.  Stop the complaining and you’ll realize that problems can be blessings in disguise.

5. Give up trying to impress others.
Just be yourself.  It feels happier (and more authentic) that way. And, when you love the real (and flawed you), you’ll find that others will be drawn to you.

6. Stop fighting change.
I’ve had more change in the last five months, in all areas of my life, than in the last 10 years.  Embracing change has helped me move from A to B and now to C. It just feels better!

7. Give up your fears.
My new mantra: Fear is just an illusion, it doesn’t exist – you created it. It’s your tape. Correct the inside and the outside will fall into place.

8. Give up excuses.
We’ve all got them.  Send them out with the garbage person.  Our excuses get us stuck and are just mind chatter – they’re not real.

9. Give up the past.
This one’s difficult.  Especially when the past looks better than the present and the future is scary.  When you long for the past you miss the present and ignore the excitement of the future.

10. Give up attachment.
I’m new at this one so bear with me.  Let’s try to detach from others and from things. I don’t mean giving up on the ones we love – but rather realizing that “attachment” is fear-based and love is not.  They can’t coexist.  Give up needing something or someone and you’ll experience that absolutely pure and selfless love you’re looking for.

Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors for you where there were only walls.  Joseph Campbell

Have a fantastic weekend everyone!

I called a friend the other night to talk about forgiveness. I want to forgive someone.  But, as we all know, it’s not easy.  I told my friend that it’s not about the other person – it’s about my carrying around negative energy.  I can feel it inside of me and I want to let it go.   We agreed to think about how to go about forgiving when you still feel anger.

After we got off the phone, it came to me that genuine forgiveness goes deeper than the pain in your mind. It’s a matter of the heart.  And, it’s not about the other person. It’s about our own relationship to the past.

Sometimes it is too early to forgive because you have to go through the feelings to get to the forgiveness part. And sometimes (unfortunately) that takes longer than you think.

One of my favorite writers, Caroline Myss, refers to the inability to forgive (ourselves or others), as the strongest poison to the human spirit.  She’s right.  The lack of forgiveness cuts right to the core of our ability to enjoy life, because as long as we’re tightly holding on to some injustice, we are investing emotional energy into keeping those feelings alive.  We remain the victim.  And, these ties to our past – to the negative events in our lives – binds us like the burlap we put on our trees in the winter — it’s protection for a little while, but if it remains on too long – it will eventually kill the tree.  In other words, we are the ones who suffer the most.

I’m not saying that you should forget what has precipitated those feelings – you need that memory to avoid similar experiences. That was a lesson from the universe in that situation.  Guru Singh once discussed this topic and reminded us that we’re not supposed to say, “what you did is okay.”   What we’re supposed to say is “what you did is what you did.”  It’s about letting go of any responsibility for someone else’s actions toward you.

One thing I know for sure (and I know very little!), true forgiveness is true healing.  Not for the other person.  That’s not our job.   Letting go and forgiving – will bring healing to us.  At that’s the lesson of life.

To forgive means to go forward from a memory into the present moment. ~Guru Singh

Have an amazing start to your week!!

Do you ever have so much on your plate that you’re left feeling overwhelmed and totally stressed out?  Where you wonder just how you’ll get it all done?  I hit that point today.  It was a culmination of things this week and today, which resulted in that feeling.  I know we all have those days.  With our fast paced lifestyles it’s commonplace to feel overwhelmed.  We work harder, longer and do more than any one person really should be doing.  So,the issue with feeling overwhelmed is not when it’ll happen but how you’ll deal with it when it does!

What did I do?  I went to yoga.  An odd place for me because it’s where my mind chatters and I (more often than not) end up teary-eyed.  But while the instructor was telling us to breathe, focus and move, I told myself the following:

1. This is your life.  You love it.  Yes, sometimes it’s overwhelming.  Accept it.  Pick the things you can do and let go of the things you can’t.

2. Don’t let negativity seep in.  I did that today.  I allowed it to come in and it clouded my view.  But once I saw it – I smiled and reminded myself that my purpose here is love and positive energy.

3. Remember what’s important.  Often when we’re overwhelmed we forget to focus on what’s important.  Why are we doing what we’re doing?  Are we moving forward?

4. How do I want to feel? What’s my end goal?  I have the paint and the paint brush.  What do I want my life-painting to look like?

5. Who can help me?  I realized that a couple of things were really stumping me.  So, instead of continuing to bang my head against the wall, I decided to think about who could help me.  We’re often afraid to ask for help because we think it’ll make us look weak.  But it takes more strength to ask for help than doing nothing!  People are amazing.  Just ask and be open to receiving what others are willing to provide.

6. Boundaries.  This is my most difficult life task.  I know it.  I’ve allowed them to be crossed, stomped on and ignored.  But time is one of our most precious commodities.  It’s the only resource that is un-renewable.  So, let’s spend it wisely and consciously. Don’t let people take your time or your energy.

7. Be Thankful.   What was the best part of my overwhelming day?   Honestly, it was being with my kids at conferences.  They’re so amazing and there’s so much love there – it was renewing for me.  I’m thankful for them.

Friends, let’s treat these days of feeling of overwhelmed as an important step in slowing down. Readjusting our center of focus.  It’s a reminder that we create our own experiences.  We paint the picture of our lives.  And so, with a deep and beautifully renewing breath, I wish you the most wonderful of weekends.  It really is amazing, isn’t it?  XOXO

How many times have you said something like this to your partner or child, when they accused you of not listening to them?  Or, on the other side of the v. how many times have you gotten p***ed off when someone said this to you?  There’s no way that listening is the same as hearing and when someone hears you (and then regurgitates back), that’s not listening.  I’ve heard this statement before and it always drove me bonkers.

Most people (this includes me at times), hear — but we don’t listen.  Our minds are elsewhere.  Sometimes we end up being more concerned about getting our perspective out there.  Sometimes we just want to validate our assumptions/thoughts/feelings.

I want to work on getting better at this one.  I want to be a better listener.  Since listening is a skill, that means it’s something we (“I”) can work on and get better at!

I once read that to listen effectively you should CARE for those you’re listening to:

C – concentrate – focus on the speaker

A – acknowledge – through body language – nod your head occasionally or say uh-huh

R – respond – ask questions for clarification and interest

E – empathize – share in their emotions and feelings. Validate your partner

Now this sounds basic and easy enough but I want to go deeper.  So, I’ve added my own s*** into the mix:

1. I’m going to check my defensiveness at the door.  This is a difficult thing to do – especially when someone is challenging us.  But lately, I’ve learned so much more from people who challenge my assumptions, than those who are yes men/women.

2. I’m going to remind myself that my ideas are not any more important than someone else’s.  In fact, they could very likely be less important.  I really do want to learn and what better way then to listen to someone’s opinions (even if they are so opposite from mine!)?

3. I’m going to be quiet – with my mouth and in my mind.  We can’t listen if we’re talking.  And we can’t listen if we’re thinking of other things.   I want to be fully ready to listen with my mouth closed and my mind open!

There’s so much we can give to those we know (and those we don’t) and I believe listening fully to someone is one of the best gifts we can give them.   I feel so good when someone is really listening to me.  And, I feel amazing when I can really listen to someone else and experience the power of their feelings.

Remember: silence isn’t golden … it’s powerful!

Have a wonderful day!

 

I’m afraid to write this story because sometimes I can be a bit emotional about things.  And, I’m not sure if this is a good quality of mine or a flaw.  Maybe it’s a bit of both.  Someone used to say, “There’s a Jessica A and a Jessica B.  Jessica A is a hard-charging lawyer that either wins or solves every client problem.  Jessica B is a very sensitive person – sometimes too sensitive.”   I’m not sure I would agree with the “too” but I think this generally pegs me!

On Friday I went pick up dinner.  When I got to the restaurant entrance there was a thin woman, all bundled up, looking hungry and cold.  She came to me for money.  I gave her a half-smile and just walked in.  I was exhausted from the week and had nothing left in me.  She came in and got in line behind me.  “I didn’t mean you no harm,” she said to me.  I nodded and smiled but I was focused – get food, get home and collapse.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her counting her money.  She let a person go in front of her as she continued to count – it was all change.  I was almost to the register when she began ordering.  “I’ll have a burrito with extra meat,” she said to the guy behind the counter.  “That’ll be extra,” he said.  “Never mind – I don’t have that much but can I get some of that green stuff,” she asked.  “The guacamole?  That’s extra too,”  he said. “No thanks.” she said.

The guy had to stop making her food to ring me up.  As he helped me, I whispered, “I want to pay for whatever she wants.  Give her the extra meat and the guacamole.  And, give her chips please.”  “Sure. No problem.” he said as he rang it all up.   I hurried out. I didn’t want anyone to know it was me.

As I walked away, I started sobbing.  My heard felt like it was breaking.  How did I  get to have the money to buy my food?  How did I have a credit card and she didn’t?  She looked so hungry and cold.  It felt so unfair.  Yet, I’d just done something nice – what the freak was wrong with me?  Why wasn’t I smiling instead of crying?

I wish I could help more people.  A friend used to joke with me that I’d happily give away my money and all his, if I could!

I’m not sure what my message is here.  Maybe it’s that sometimes life is really painful – even when it’s not directed at us – but being suffered by others.   Maybe it’s that we should be thankful for what we have right now, today.  Maybe it’s that it’s good to feel that kind of heartache so we can be reminded how very lucky we are.

Whatever the message, I hope you enjoy amazing experiences this week!

 

 

In December I wrote a blog (but didn’t post it) on the difference between being happy and being positive.  At that time, I noticed a lot of articles on happiness.  It was the holiday season so why not push happiness on us during a period that can be depressing and stressful?  But, I just didn’t feel like posting it and I (obviously) found something else to write about. But now feels like the right time so here it is:

A friend once told me that there’s a difference between being positive and being happy. She said that happiness is something that happens that puts a smile on your face – like hearing that first bird chirp after a cold winter.  Positivity is a way of thinking and living – regardless of what’s happening in your life. Makes sense right?

Happiness is the easy part.  Inevitably something will happen in your day and you’ll laugh, smile, etc.  For example, one time I made a list of things that  I could do that felt happy:

• Do an unexpected and unconditional favor
• Smile at a stranger
• Have a sugar cookie with amazing frosting
• Start a conversation with a stranger
• Hug someone who needs it (or even those who don’t need it).
• Hug my kids
• Walk outside
• Complement a stranger (this is so fun!)
• Buy yourself flowers and/or buy them for someone else
• When driving, stop and allow someone to cross the street
  Give money to the organizations that feel good to me

Being positive means a whole mindset change.  It’s not the sort of thing that happens overnight.  It requires really thinking about what you enjoy in life, how you want to live and how you want others to feel around you.

So, for the positivity piece, here are my daily habits:

• Focus on the end result (a positive mindset), remembering that’s the goal..
• Getting rid of the garbage in your life (literally and figuratively!).  You know what things in your life drag you down.  Time to be choosy.
• Complain less, smile more.  Imagine that you’re already positive.
• See bad things as a blessing in disguise. See failure as a stepping stone to success.
• Tell yourself that your desire to be positive outweighs your desire to have a negative reaction to some event.  After awhile, it’ll become second nature.

Maybe I wanted to post this now, because it’s getting lighter earlier and we’re all feeling a bit happier.  So, it seems like the perfect time to begin thinking about changing to a positive mindset.  Look, I’m by no means perfect (ask anyone who knows me!), but I think my friends would say I’m a fairly positive person.  And, to get there, I worked on these habits every single day (even when my kids were driving me crazy!).  Worth a shot, right?

Have a fantastic weekend!

 

In talking with a friend recently, he asked me if I thought a particular quality of mine was a strength.  I said yes.  He said I was wrong.  I pushed back (with a smile, of course!).   But after reading a book by Marcus Buckingham, Go Put Your Strengths To Work, I realized that he was right.  (Sorry friend!)

Many of us are blind to our best qualities.  When I’m asked to name my strengths,  I often have difficulty doing so.  We are unable to label our core qualities.  Is something we’re good at a strength or weakness in our life? Does a particular relationship or situation give us strength or not?

Buckingham defines it like this: a strength is an activity that makes you feel strong and a weakness is an activity that makes you feel weak.  So, if you’re good at something but it drains you — it’s a weakness.  I think this is true for jobs, people and situations – if it drains you, its a weakness.  If the person or job makes you feel stronger, it’s a strength.  I think we’re talking about passion here.  Are you living your passion?

I’ve been making a list of when I do something I really enjoy.  I’ve started to see a trend in the things I enjoy and am passionate about and the things I’m good at but don’t really like to do.

So friends, ask yourself, what qualities to you like about you?  Do you like your focus?  How about your determination?  Organization?  This will give you some indication of your personal strengths. For example, if you like the fact that you can keep your checkbook balanced and organized, then one of your personal strengths might be organization (and you should come to my house and help me!).  Then, ask yourself if you like doing organizational things or if you just do it because you’re good at it.

Another way to analyze this is to ask yourself, what’s missing?  What do you like to do that you’re not doing?  I’m energized by helping people.  So, when I look at the days when things seem to flow better, it’s because I’ve done at least one thing in my day that was for someone else.

I must say that as I’ve paid attention to my passions/strengths, I’ve found myself drawn to people in my personal and professional life that encourage and support these traits in me.  In return, I hope my friends feel that being with me helps them to see their true inner strengths and passions!

So if you’re not sure about your direction or if you question your present spot, focus on the things that give you joy – the things that fuel your passions.  When you do, I believe your path will appear right in front of you.

I’d rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate. George Burns

Have an amazing day!