theyearsafter50

When we find something that brings us joy, we have a tendency to do the same thing over and over again in order to get that same feeling. But often, whatever it is we’re doing, becomes more routine than joyful.

There’s a story of a woman who walked into a church one evening at a quiet time and sat down. She was feeling very low and she felt this immediate sense of peace and comfort as she sat there. She thought it was the church that gave her those feelings. So, she kept going … every single night. At some point, going to church became so routine that she lost the joy. So, she went back to wearing the same clothes and the same shoes as she had that first night. That same feeling did not come back. Then she tried eating the same food as the first day and walking the same way into the church … well you get the picture. The same exact feelings didn’t come back. Why? Because those feelings were really inside her, not the church, and she was looking outward, not inward.

Why do we think we can’t pivot and feel the same great feelings? Is that my Italian superstition?

For two months now, I have been doing morning sun salutations. At first, it brought me a sense of peace (it still does at times). I did a certain number and each one was for a particular reason. Then one day I realized I was not feeling the same peace in doing them. I was lamenting this to a good friend who looked at me as if she couldn’t believe I was complaining and said “Just pivot. Do something different.” I didn’t know what to say. Wouldn’t I be a failure if I pivoted. So many of my friends, including her, meditated religiously each day. Why couldn’t I do these stupid freaking sun salutations and have one life routine like everyone else I know? 🙂

Then one morning I got up and made my coffee first, before my sun salutations. It was a slow start to my morning, and it was glorious! Then another day I skipped my sun salutations, made my coffee and watched Lily sleep. That was amazing too! I had pivoted and it was totally fine (in fact, better than fine!). Just letting myself off the “hook” was far from the failure I feared, and I still had that same feeling of peace.

Transitions are universal, inevitable and important. As we get old(er), we’re constantly evolving. And while change can, at times, feel messy and uncomfortable, it’s through these metamorphoses that we learn new things. My greatest lessons have (and continue to come) when I pivot. Even when pivoting brings some initial pain or fear.

So, my loving friends, find a little different path today. And know that peace and comfort will find you there too.

XOXO

That was the title of my meditation today and it’s fitting. As I intentionally close one chapter and open new one, I’ve been thinking about the faith I have in where I am right now. Steve Jobs once said, “You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.”

Right now, at this moment, things are working out for all of us. We try to control, shape, and form. We try to manage and keep everything together. We worry. But things are working out. Even if they seem painful at times. Things are working out.

How many times do you worry about something happening (or not) and then when you finally get there you realize that it worked out as it should. Why are we so tied to knowing what’s coming and whether it will work out? Why can’t we assume it will?

If you google “things will work out as planned” there are way more hits about what to do when something is not working out. The internet reflects our algorithm of searches … so are we all searching about things not working out?

Granted, things may not always work out the way we originally thought or envisioned, but that doesn’t mean they don’t work out. Often, they’re far better than originally expected.

Let’s stop beating ourselves up and hurting on the inside because we think that we’ve not done enough. I believe that no matter what we do, we have given it our all. We have made our best efforts. We can’t go crazy worrying about how to do it better. Trust and allow yourself to give things up to faith or the universe.

Let’s believe in our lives. Frankly, let’s reclaim our lives. Let’s stop worrying about whether it will work out and instead have faith that it will.

Even when things seem imperfect, painful or just plain scary, let’s remind ourselves that we’re ok and that things are working out just as they should.

XOXO

Jessica

I recently went for a walk with a friend. She has two big dogs (maybe Huskies?) and at some point midway through the walk, they wanted to play with Lily but somehow they scared the s*** out of her. I mean scared her to the point that I literally had to drag her, because by the time this happened we were a good 1/2 mile from the car.

All the while, when we were walking, my friend’s dogs were pulling her and yanking and wanting to “visit” with Lily and the entire scene seemed so chaotic! But my friend, was so calm. She was not apologetic (and she didn’t need to be!). She just kept on walking and smiling and talking. I would have apologized a million times—but why? These were just dogs being dogs!

It was the most calming, chaotic experience I’ve had in a long time!

It made me think about how we, as westerners, (read: me) say “I’m sorry” way too much. I know for sure that I over-apologize, and often for things that aren’t my fault. I once said sorry to a trash can after walking into it. I mean really, Jessica?

I think we say sorry so often as a way to ease our mind because we’re often worried about other people’s opinions of us. The word now slips out of my mouth for every perceived slight I think I may have caused. But I’m coming to realize that so many apologies affects our view of ourselves.

As we were walking and talking about life, we both recognized that in different situations we are being held responsible for s*** that’s not our fault. In those situations (and for many of us) my initial reaction is to say “I’m sorry.” But maybe the better way to respond is to say “Thanks for telling me,” or “Good catch” or “Time to do better.” These words are more empowering and take the away pressure we put on ourselves for things we can’t control.

While we can and should apologize for past mistakes (and who defines mistakes as opposed to “best we could do at the time”?)—the past is the past. It cannot be changed and we each own our own process for moving forward and letting go. Either we choose to point fingers or we take a look at whether the narrative is really serving any good in our lives.

I think this new year I’m going to focus on my own opinion of myself, rather than how others perceive me. Consciously and immediately forgiving ourselves over everyday and past mistakes is a way to improve our state of mind and takes back control over our lives, which of course we all deserve to have. So today, instead of saying “I’m sorry” say, “I really do appreciate the feedback. It’s duly noted and I can do better.”

Enjoy your day everyone!

XOXO

I was out for a run on Saturday and when I got close to a corner, I noticed a woman sitting there with a sign “I need help and Money.” As I got closer, I saw she had a skirt on with tall socks and her skirt was clearly not on “correctly.”

I stopped at the corner (because, I’m always looking for an excuse to stop) and asked if I could help her. She told me that she needed money. Unfortunately (or fortunately) I didn’t have any money with me. What I did have was a bottle of water, which I had not yet used. I offered it to her.

She asked why I was running and where was I going. Great questions! I told her I was just going to run around the area and I was running to relieve stress. She looked at me for a second and then asked me the most important question of my life: What was I stressed about?

I felt like crying.

How could I possibly compare any stress in my life to hers? What kind of narrative have I been telling myself all these running years. I have so much in my life, what the F*** am I stressed about?

She told me that she never gets stressed out. She said that she needs money and sometimes needs food but she isn’t ever stressed out (she also said she’s not sure what stressed out really is so she didn’t think she had it – so sweet!)

I thanked her for the advice. She looked at me as if she had no idea why I had just thanked her. She thanked me for the water. And, I walked (not ran) away.

Life perspective. I needed it.

XOXO

Jessica

Someone screamed at me recently to shut up. Now, for sure I was trying to make a point at that very moment. But someone screaming those words at me really made me stop and think: is this their issue or mine?

Interestingly, these words came at a time when I’ve been thinking a lot about respect.

In my business life, I try (most times—not always!) to find a way to show respect for those on the other side of my cases. But, one of the things I have found to be most difficult in life is being around people for whom I feel little respect. More specifically, I find it difficult to control my own behavior around those I don’t respect.

There are many reasons why I might find it hard to respect someone. But, whatever the reason, at some point it’s fairly likely that this person will say something that pisses me off (or vice versa). Then, after I’ve lost my s***, I ruminate about the interaction and wish over and over again I had kept my cool.

Yes, this person’s words or actions upset me. But, how I respond to my emotions is my responsibility. It’s how I show myself respect.

When we lose our “cool” we are more focused on our own physical reaction (anger, tears, etc) and their stupid words, rather than controlling our own emotions. Because the truth is, when we let someone get to us, we often feel shame. Focusing on managing our own emotions and how we want to leave the conversation should be paramount.

Also, what does “winning” look like in those conversations? Putting the other person down, saying mean things to them or to others about them, only feels good in the moment. It does not advance my own life ball and that’s all I have control over. Again, respect, compassion and love for me means I don’t have to “win” because I’m good … I’m ok in my space, and it frees me from the impulse to compete or “say back” with others.

Finally, I’m also learning (and you can learn at my ripe old age!), that we can’t change anyone’s mind about us. And, I don’t need to. But I also have no interest (nor the energy) to change someone’s negative narrative about me. I will always be there for people. I will always try (operative word) to do the right thing, and I will always make mistakes. But, I will also always respect and love myself. If others jump on the bandwagon, great. If not, then not.

I know it’s cliche, but life is short. Don’t spend it looking back. Respect yourself, and all other good things will follow (and try not to say “shut up” to other people! LOL)

XOXO

Jessica

We recently went to Thailand, and I was struck many things, the heat, the food, the motorcycles and importantly, the simplicity of life. I wondered if I could find that same simplicity at home—in the middle of the craziness of my world. There were so many people we met there who were happy and felt successful. But in the US, would they be seen as successful? Maybe not and that seems a bit screwed up.

Over the course of our lives, we’ve measured success differently. When we were younger, we measured success by the number of our friends, or our being in sports, the college or grad school we got into. Then there was the period of time where we measured success by our choice in partners, our jobs, money and how well our kids did in school or in life (this is a topic for an entire post!).

But since Thailand (and I guess even before), I’ve been considering my measure of success. John Wooden, one of the of the most successful basketball coaches of all-time, took an approach to measuring success that I love: “Don’t measure yourself by what you’ve accomplished, but rather by what you should have accomplished with your abilities.” His book, Wooden: A Lifetime of Observations and Reflections On and Off the Court, was an incredible reminder to me of something I’ve known all along: focus on what you can control.

The book inspired me to relook at how I measure my success and allowed me to develop some new “lane lines” for my life:

1. Compare yourself only to yourself. According to Wooden “True success is attained only through the satisfaction of knowing you did everything within the limits of your ability to become the very best that you are capable of being.” Love it.
2. Measure success by what’s hard to measure. Money, trips, things, etc. are easy to measure. I want to measure my life by what’s hard to measure: mental and physical health, relationships, passion and joy.
3. Measure success over the long haul. Nothing, and I mean nothing, happens overnight.
4. Measure the “right” outcomes. The number of books I read means nothing. The number of books I read where I retain something, and share it with others, means something.
5. Finally, and most importantly, measure success by values. Highly motivated people often focus too much on execution without spending enough time to think about what (and really why) to execute in the first place. I want to measure my success by doing what fits my life values.

Thailand was beautiful, amazing and inspiring. I learned so much about myself and the positive and not-so-helpful things in my life that I need to shed, in order to enjoy this cool new phase of life. Thailand also helped me find a more robust (and frankly more elegant) way of measuring my success!

XOXO

Jessica

There are times in our lives where we get a do-over. I don’t mean we get to fix something (which, of course, sometimes we do). I mean a do-over in life. A time to start anew.

Everyone has changes in life, whether it’s emotional maturing, retirement, parenthood, or entering or leaving a relationship. Some of us seem to embrace these times better than others. It’s not that we’re not happy where we were. It’s just that there is a change in life that will warrant a change in our thinking and doing.

This past week I became an “empty-nester.” I don’t really love that phrase because we never stop being a parent. But we do let go. It is a time for our kids to find their own lives. To fend for themselves. To fail and to succeed. It’s a chance for a Day One for us.

Today I felt like I woke up from a wonderfully deep sleep. The years of being focused on my kids has been great and meaningful, but exhausting and didn’t always allow me to focus on me. I had one goal with my kids and that was for them to find gratitude for their lives. Not just their privilege but for being alive. For have the opportunity to help others and leave a positive footprint. To be grateful for their family and friends. When you have gratitude, all else falls into place. I’m not sure it stuck but that’s for them to deal with now, not me.

The reality is that life is not a straight line. It’s made up of many experiences—some good, some boring, and some so bad that you’ll need plenty of time to recover from the trauma of living through it. But you do live through it. You focus on healing and being grateful. And then you start again at Day One.

Life’s not one big Hallmark movie where everything’s pretty, shiny and happy all the time. Shitty things happen to good people. Life changes occur. Anxiety and depression can develop and addictions have the power to break the strongest among us. But we can always start over. Like they say, one-day-at-a-time.

Today is Day One. I wonder what will happen next? 🙂

XOXO

Jessica

Today is the birthday of my twin boys (now 23!). While I celebrate their births, it’s also a quiet time from me. As some of you know, it was four days after their birth that my mom was diagnosed with brain cancer and died six weeks later. Every year from the boys’ birthday to the 21st of August, I make a point of really listening. I hear the leaves rustle on the trees. I hear the birds chirping. I hear my own breath. I think about life.

Where are you going? That’s the question floating in my brain lately. Love my job (check). Love my family and friends (check). Appreciate my life (check). But am I running away from s***? Why am I always moving so fast? Am I running toward life or away from something?

I bet, if we all dug really deep, we’d see that there are little and big scars that we’re constantly try to hide. To avoid. We don’t feel worthy of … We don’t feel good enough … We move quickly to avoid feeling those feelings.

I was on a marathon training run recently (don’t ask!) and was lamenting my inability to run at my “younger” speed. The guy running next to me said with a smile, “No one gives a shit how you are running today. We care that you’re here.” Wow. Nice.

What are we avoiding? Why can’t we embrace our present place. Why are we always running and where are we going?

I’m not saying love those unpleasant situations and people (that’s unhelpful when someone says that to me).

I guess what I’m saying is think of life like a Rubik’s Cube. You have to turn it over and over again. Even when it doesn’t seem to go together or when it seems like you’ll never get there. Don’t be afraid to look, to uncover. Don’t be afraid to slow down to figure it out. Because when it finally all matches … well, it’s time to leave this place.

I’ve let fear fuel my choices. Worried about being a single mom. Worried I was too worried or not worried enough (pretty sure that’s the Italian in me!). Was I doing an ok job raising them? Was I really solving my client’s issues? Did I have imposter syndrome (answer: yes! – who doesn’t?).

Let’s stop. Let’s not let fear fuel our choices. Let’s not worry about what people think. Be respectful, of course. Leave a good footprint, yes.

But whatever you’re running from, will eventually catch you. So, STOP. Look at it. Be ok with it. Then let it walk side-by-side with you. It’s a part of you and you can’t will it away.

To any of you who are reading this: if you want to get together and share stories. Share fears. Want to talk about where you’re going or running from … reach out. Let’s have a glass of wine. Break bread. Walk with our dogs (well, my daughter’s dog, but ok …). Let’s not (as my Jewish grandma would say) stand on ceremony and do nothing. 🙂

And to my boys – you (and your sister) add color to my life. I love you! Happy Birthday!

xoxo

Jessica

Yesterday, I was in my favorite vegan cafe’, waiting for my drink and looking at cards, when the woman at the register started up a conversation. Somehow we got to talking about something sad in her life. I stopped looking at cards and turned to her. She continued to check people out as we were talking. We chatted about how difficult life transitions can be (I’m in the middle of some big ones) and she said that talking to others has helped her. She started to get teary eyed (as did I, but it doesn’t take much for me these days) and I felt like hugging her but didn’t because I’m aware that not everyone wants one of my Italian hugs!

We finished talking and as I turned back around to pick up the cards I was going to buy, a man handed me a small brown bag. “I bought you a card. Nice conversation.” I wasn’t really understanding what was happening at that moment, but instinctively I took the bag he was holding out. I looked in and pulled out the card. I recognized it as one I was going to buy for my friend. I started to thank him but saw he was already at the door. He gave me a quick glance and nod as he left.

In that one moment I felt so full of …. je ne sais quoi.

Maybe the saying on the card will help. It was a quote from F. Scott Fitzgerald:

“You are the finest, loveliest, tenderest, and most beautiful person I have ever known – and even that is an understatement.”

All I want to say today is that we need to make a point of saying these things to people. Those we know and those we don’t know. And if there are people who are not in our space, we should still think about ways to send this energy to them. Know that even when people we love are not behaving in a way that leaves a positive footprint in our personal space, we can still send them nonjudgemental light and peace. Life has a way of working itself out.

I can only describe that moment as a fullness of perfect clear light. Does that make any freaking sense?

Look, whatever it was, I’m grateful. And, I’ll take those fleeting seconds to the bank any day of the week (anything to help with those higher interest rates!).

Have a wonderful Sunday my friends and family.

XOXO

Yesterday I listened to an exchange between a husband and wife. This couple was “finishing” an argument and trying to get toward the apology. But the apologies were falling on deaf ears.

As if I had nothing else to do, I starting to wonder: what’s an apology? How do we apologize for the things we should apologize for and how do we apologize for the things that aren’t our fault but we want to acknowledge?

What’s the difference? A full apology acknowledges blame, accepts responsibility, expresses regret, and doesn’t offer excuses. Here, the person promises not to repeat the behavior, asks for forgiveness and may offer a way to make things right.

There’s another kind of apology: the rapport apology. This is an apology where you’re trying to rebuild a relationship, smooth a conflict or establish a connection. With the rapport apology one doesn’t accept responsibility for the situation, but instead they want to acknowledge the other. For example, I’m running late and I call my partner to say I’m sorry for running late. My partner says, “I’m so sorry – just drive carefully.” My partner is not taking responsibility but is just establishing a connection and understanding about what’s happening.

The big issue with apologies is which apology is occurring and whether it resonates for both parties.

Miscommunications in the apology often arise due to the differences in the apology. For example, we may assume someone is accepting blame when they’re not. We may then feel frustration when there’s no change in behavior, which is what we anticipated happening, like with a full apology.

Unfortunately, this couple didn’t understand which “apology” was occurring. Couples, friends, family members need to talk about which apology is on the table, so that miscommunications don’t occur during the repair period.

Tied to the apology is the notion of validation. Validation is the recognition or affirmation that a person or their feelings/opinions are valid and worthwhile. Generally, men and women seek and give validation differently. Men tend not to seek validation because they assume they are doing something correctly unless told otherwise. Women seek validation, not because they think they’ve done something wrong, but just to understand and listen to the the other person’s point of view. Women use more nonverbal ways of validation, men often need outward information for validation. These differences mean that men seem too overly confident (when they are not) and women appear unsure, also when they are not.

What does all this mean in the case of the couple I was listening too … well they didn’t get to a good point and both stormed out of the coffee shop. Honestly, I think they both were trying … they just miscommunicated.

What does this mean for us? I have no freaking idea. 🙂 I guess it’s a good reminder to think about our own process of apologizing as well as our expectations re. someone else’s apology.

XOXO

Jessica