theyearsafter50

I’ve lived this lie for many years (maybe it’s nicer to call it a myth), that I can and do lead a balanced life.  There’s no way that’s true.  I live a crazy, overly busy, sometimes stressed out life.  But, sometimes I just feel off … out of sync. Know what I mean?

Lately, I’ve been asking myself – why do I feel out of sync? When did that happen and how?

Here’s how it works:  At first it’s unnoticed.  I added a thing or two to my life.  Then, I added more and more things to my plate and in doing so I had to push away some of the things that were actually the things I used to do that nourished me.   Then, unnourished, I just kept adding – thinking something would get me back in sync (which of course is not how it works … but I’m still learning about life!).

So, lately I’ve asked myself: when did I stop reading for pleasure because I had too much laundry to do.  When did I stop my long calls with my friends because I was working at night?  Or, when did I stop having coffee with my dad because I needed to get to work?  Why did I make those choices?

Let’s just admit that the old “let’s have a balanced lifestyle” mantra really doesn’t work any more.  We all have 10,000 things.  So, rather than beating ourselves up over that, let’s focus on time management and the direction of our energy.   Sounds so beautifully easy, right?  🙂

The first step is just seeing it. The next step is asking: How do I get back in sync? How do I get to the core of what I love? How can I go back to those things that energize me … that I’m passionate about?

Research shows that athletes who successfully alternate periods of high pressure training with focused rest and recovery achieve the greatest results.  So, let’s use that research and admit that we all can (and should) learn to find our own rhythm and enjoy “maximum performance” and higher satisfaction in life.  Let’s do that by alternating our high pressure periods with our passions … our reenergizers (whatever they might be).

And, (one other thought), in our crazy busy lives, we often have things that stress us out.  Those “negative” things or times in our lives where we think there’s no way we can get back in sync.  Change that dialog.  Focus on the positive opportunities these “times” give us.  Maybe an injury sidelines us for a bit.  Maybe we lose a relationship or we are in a money pinch.  Use this time positively – to refocus, rebalance and realign our life values right in the middle of these “negative” times.  These experiences are really are gifts to reset what we are doing and challenging us to change … to get back in sync with ourselves and the universe.

Have a wonderful weekend!

 

I’m a lawyer and sometimes I just want to have things black and white.  Yes, I know – that is so not possible.

I’ve been trying to think of the kind of person I want to be and the rules I want to live by.  I came up with a few and then my kids got involved:

Me:

• Be consistent.
• Be on time or at least give lead time if I’m going to be late.
• Do what I say I will do, and if I can’t … let the person know and why.
• Be fair, even in an argument.
• Be sensitive to and don’t discount others feelings.
• Return calls or texts as quickly as possible.
• Don’t overreact when things go wrong.
• Never say things I can’t take back or that I will need to take back.  The words hang there for a long time.
• Don’t dig up old wounds.
• Respect boundaries – especially my own,
• Be a good listener.
• Pay attention to the little things.
• Give as much love and positive energy as I can.

My kids:

• Kids don’t need as much sleep as parents think.
• There’s no such thing as texting too much.
• Kids need to sit around all summer, it helps them get ready for the next school year.
• Don’t pick kids up late and don’t get someplace too early.
• Kids are going to be cranky sometimes.  It’s ok.
• Kids sometimes don’t want to deal with all that “energy” from their mom.
• It’s also ok if kids forget to do some homework or homework sometimes. (say what??)
• Kids wants pets (read: dog) but they really can’t get up early to walk it.
• Kids learn about real life from watching Sponge Bob.

Obviously, we’ve got a lot to work on over here to meld our lists!

Have a great day!

 

As you well know, I spend a lot of time in grocery stores.  I’m sure I’m there five times per week.  So, it’s not surprising that I would have unusual experiences in a grocery store.  Friday night was no exception.

I was at one of those stores with carpet in the aisles (you know where I’m talking about) when I heard a crash.  As I rounded the corner to get some milk, there he was on the floor mumbling – a guy who looked to be in his 50’s and about 250 lbs.  Next to him was a woman, in her late 70’s, helping him up.  I wasn’t sure what happened so I quickly moved toward them to give her a hand (yes, big, strong Jessica to the rescue!).

I didn’t have to get too close before I smelled the alcohol and body odor … it was so strong I felt sick.  I reached down to help him up, but he shot back that he was fine and could do it himself.  The woman (turns out to be his mother) looked at me with sadness in her eyes and I stepped back.  I nodded to her and kept going.

As I got into the chip aisle, there he was, pulling chips bags onto the floor as he walked through the aisle.  She kept picking up after him, like he was a little kid grabbing at everything he wanted.  It was sad.

When I got to the check out, they were in front of me.  Well, she was … he was sitting on a bench by the wall.  She thanked me for helping.  Told me he just lost his job and his wife due to drinking.  She didn’t know what to do with him.  I said that I thought parenting is the toughest job of all.  But that the even harder job is taking care of ourselves even when it means putting on our oxygen mask on first.  She hugged me, asked if I had kids and I pointed to my gray hair as proof.  We laughed as she took off her hat and showed me her full head of gray.  I wished her good luck and that was that.

Deep sigh.

As a parent,  I guess you never entirely lose the urge to make life easier for your child, even when they’re an adult.  And certainly you want to solve their problems when they’re in trouble.  I can see that already.

This is the hardest and best job of my life.  And, sometimes we just can’t control the things we wish we could control.  We do our best raising them and then we have to let go.

Life is so beautifully (and sometimes painfully) complicated.

Have an amazing day!

As you can imagine, over the course of my career, I have fired off my fair share of angry letters and e-mails.   Yet, I can’t think of one single time when these communications had a positive effect.  Typically, they served only to escalate the conflict.

Not long ago, a friend sent me an email that hurt my feelings. I tried to talk with him about it but to no avail.  He felt justified in his actions and the words hung in cyberspace.  Sometimes I wonder if he wished he hadn’t sent the email in the first place — I certainly wished he hadn’t.

Last week, I sent an email that was based in frustration. Later, I went back to re-read the email.  Yikes!  My email was so out of proportion to how I was feeling – just 24 hours later.  I quickly apologized to the recipient about how off I had been.

This is life.

In any relationship, you’re going to experience times when you feel angry. It happens at home, at work and with friends.  In the age of technology, we often take the easy way out and send an email or text.  The problem is eventually our frustration lessens, yet the cyber-doc is still out there.

Here’s something cool: We have the ability to choose how we respond when we’re angry.

Let’s be honest: little things always look much bigger the closer you are to them.  Knee jerk reactions are never good.  There’s no question that holding off on showing your frustration can make a world of difference – clearly something to work on!  🙂

So, next time I want to send one of those emails with my unbridled frustrations, I  need to ask myself:

• What am I really trying to accomplish here?  To prove I’m right – Don’t do it.
• Have I done my homework?  I might be right but I might also be wrong.  Is there really a right and wrong?
• What did I do to contribute to this outcome? Seriously important question – and be honest.
• Can we meet in person? It’s easy to hurl digital spears without the risk of a live encounter. But confronting (talking) in person takes real guts and can add the opportunity for real solutions.
• Have I spilled my guts on paper?  If not, do so (its cathartic) and then save the draft.  Looking at it the next day will help you see those angry or hurt feelings more rationally.
• Have I admitted my mistakes — my role in the whole freaking thing? This is critical.

We live in a world with people.  And sometimes these people are going to disappoint and frustrate us.  Sending an e-mail or text is almost never effective or helpful in solving a problem.   However, waiting and having a face-to-face (non-confrontational) discussion can result in a beautifully productive solution  — or at least the chance of one!

Have a great start to your week!

There’s always been one dreaded C word in my world.  No, not the one that would result in our mouths being washed out with soap.  Let’s keep our minds clean here!

Yesterday, I gave a fairly large presentation and afterwards, someone came up and thanked me for presenting a difficult and complicated topic in such an easy and fun way.  It made me think – am I that way in my personal life?  Am I a good communicator?  I’m afraid the answer could be – not all the time.  Sometimes I prefer my cave over talking about stressful personal situations.  I’m still growing. 🙂

But, there really are three C’s that are critical (no c-pun intended) to any relationship:  Communication, Conflict and Compromise.

Communication problems in relationships are a primary cause of failed marriages, broken hearts and ruined dreams.  You think you’ve explained yourself clearly?  Think again.  Does your partner really know what you are saying (and assume you are not being clear, not that they are dumb!)? We’ve become lazy with our thinking and explanations. We expect our partners to know what the freak we’re talking about.  Unless you’re married Mr./Ms. Super-psychic, don’t expect your partner to read your mind.  And, be specific.  The army has long since learned that minds thrive on clear specific orders. It’s no different in relationships.  If you have a need – say it.

Conflict is a part of life.  But, if you and your partner/friend have a part in Groundhog’s Day (the same thing over and over again) then your method of solving conflict is not working.  How can you fix it?  Remember, there are no victims.  If your comments during a fight are going to cause pain to your partner – don’t say them. Want to win?  Go play darts or go to Vegas – there’s no winner in a relationship fight. It’s a team sport.  Think before you speak, act or walk away.  Once done, it’s hard to take it back.

Compromise is a difficult one. There’s good compromise and bad compromise.  Bad compromise is changing your habits and who you are in such a way that you wind up becoming less of your full, authentic, happy self.  Good compromise is changing your habits and self in such a way that you grow more into your most full, authentic, happy self.

Aristotle’s great love advice was that real-deal love comes from being involved in “a relationship of shared virtue,” where you pick a partner who gets you at your core and lovingly inspires, challenges and supports you to become your best possible self — not someone who takes away from your best possible self.  Essentially, he believed that true happiness comes from a relationship with positive and supportive communication,  healthy compromise and working through conflicts in a loving way.  Amazing what a guy with a one word name knows!

Just random thoughts for your weekend.  Have a good one!!

I could write until I am blue in the face about the glorious world we live in (and we do).  But, some days are just not great.  Some days we wake up and from start to finish, it’s tough.  Sometimes we have weeks like that.

Sometimes, we have a problem and there’s nothing we can do about it but wait.  Maybe we don’t have control over the outcome or maybe we just screwed something up.

And why is it that you wake up in the same bed, maybe at the same time and it’s just not the same day?  Where there’s no explanation except it’s another day?

Bad days can be fueled from the inside or the out.  And while happiness is a choice, the occasional bad day is bound to happen.  Unfortunately, there’s no way to schedule a bad day.  It will just hit you smack dab in the face.  So, when it does happen to me, here are a few things I try to say to myself, in between my tears or frustrations:

1. Be Kind.  Not only to myself but to those around me who are likely to suffer along with me on my bad day. Don’t lash out at the slow grocery store cashier.

2. Cancel whatever I can.  When I’m having a bad day, it’s often made worse by too many things happening.  I can’t always cancel but sometimes I can shorten things up.

3.  This will pass.  Sometimes it takes weeks for the issue to go away, but it will … little by little and at least I know I will adjust over time.

4. Tell a friend.  This helps a lot.  The love and support of a friend is unparalleled.

5. Sleep or run.  I like the latter.

6. Watch a cute video.  These always make me laugh and feel better.

7. Give in.  It’s ok to cry.  To feel sad.  To feel depressed.  This is life. It’s difficult.

Even the most optimistic, half-full full, joyful people have a bad day. It doesn’t make us weak to admit we’re suffering or depressed about something.  In fact, it actually brings strength to our life.  Admitting it will put the fear and issue out in the open — where it’s likely to be less painful.  And, don’t forget … the best thing about a bad day is when the next morning washes over and you can really enjoy and appreciate the good life of a new day!

Enjoy wherever you are today.

Do you find it hard to get up in morning when your alarm goes off? Is this particularly true in the winter? Do you find yourself hitting the snooze button at least once and going back to sleep.

That was my routine for many years. I hated the sound of the alarm. I’d turn the damn thing off right away and then in my brain fog I would contemplate whether or not I should get up at that moment.   Usually, I wouldn’t.

In the last year, I’ve become a bit OCD, I prefer productive, in the morning.  In fact, I’ve become a bit possessive of my morning time.  Yes, I know that it’s just another reason for therapy, but OCD is covered by insurance, so I should be ok.

Now my alarm goes off sometime between 4:30 and 5:30 a.m. I make a point of turning it off and (if I have to), I reset it for five minutes later … knowing that I am getting up in five minutes no matter what!  When it goes off again, I hop out of bed, get the newspaper, fire up my computer, make my tea and I’ve got my “me” time (Of course, sometimes, my “me” time is running at 5:30, but that really is OCD!).

Why on g-ds’ great earth am I doing this? Am I insane? (no response required). Maybe. But I’ve got to tell you that this has become my favorite time of the day!  No one calling my name or asking for anything. No one telling me they have no clean clothes or they need me to buy something for them for school TODAY.  No one telling me what’s in the newspaper, that I’m currently reading!  Nothing but peace and quiet and the sound of my boiling tea.

You may have stopped reading by now  – but if not, think of it this way: if you over sleep 30 minutes a day, that’s 180+ hours a year, that’s the equivalent of over one month of 40 hour work weeks! (Wow, looking at that calculation, I can see the OCD tendencies…).

Truthfully, I consider this one of my more productive habits and times of my day. I even think my kids like it because I have time to make fresh french toast or breakfast muffins!

It’s 6 a.m., I’m done with the blog, having coffee, reading the paper and I still have 20 minutes to myself!  Yea!!!  Have a great day!

Life can be challenging and most of us have a tendency to judge ourselves when we make mistakes, make life changes or suffer setbacks. By judging ourselves, we give our ego’s criticism the highest power over us. We stop being compassionate and become more fearful, desperate or out of control. But, we are not the only ones affected. All of those who love us suffer at the same time. So, how can we move from the criticism of our ego to compassionate love?

I’ve been talking with a friend of mine about the ultimate part of love, which is to let go of self-criticism — of judgment. Really, it’s at those moments of judgment – when we get in our own way – that we miss the need to just accept with tenderness the weaknesses of ourselves (and those around us).

To love yourself requires strength, patience and letting go of right and wrong. To love someone else, requires strength, patience and letting go of right and wrong.

So, what makes it so hard to love ourselves and then to really love others? First, we are afraid of weakness and vulnerability (a topic for another blog) but we also give too much power to the negative ego based tapes. The ego is like a fearful child who resorts to bullying and control out of a desperate need to feel safe and secure. Most of us beat ourselves up over those feelings. I’m going to suggest that we acknowledge them and move on … let go. When you aren’t afraid of your own criticism, it will make it easier to you orient toward loving yourself and those around you.

As the Sufi poet Rumi writes, “Time is a factory where we all slave away, earning enough love to break our own chains.” None of us knows how long we will be on this planet, so we might as well start working on this today. We all have the ability to love ourselves in a way that promotes compassion, empathy, and self-awareness for ourself and others. We just have to let it come out to play!

Have a wonderful start to your week!

 

 

Money brings people together and breaks them up.  It was one issue in the break up of my marriage.  Not how much money we had, but our views and fears about money.  It took me awhile to figure that out – and we were not so mature back then.  I’ve known people with a lot more money than me and they are no happier by virtue of their wealth.  So, what is it?

We all work hard to provide for our families, with long hours away from home, and extra jobs, in an attempt to get those few extra $$.  We think if we get to the next level (whatever that might be) we will be happy.  But, is there a point at which we will have enough?  In other words, when does having more money make us happy?  And, is that the way to look at it all?

Studies show that there is a relationship between salary and happiness (although I’m not sure I buy into that theory – but let’s leave that for now).  Having extra money does allow us to buy better food and other creature comforts.  The research also shows that spending money on experiences (trips) rather than objects – makes people happier (I might agree there).   There is one area in which I totally agree with the research  – the happiest people are those that buy for others – regardless of their income level.

Shortly after my divorce, when the kids were little, we were really down on our financial luck.  I was totally struggling.  A friend invited the kids and me for a trip to Target and bought us groceries and the kids treats.  I will never forget that experience and I have a feeling she won’t either.  I’ve tried to pay that forward whenever I can.  We have a favorite friend that we love to help out and when we do, they are unquestionably some of our happiest moments.

Yet, I keep moving up in income … working to make more money.  Kids in sports, going to college and I suppose the question will be, when is enough … when will I be at the “number?”

In my quest to learn and teach my children, I think I’m looking at this the wrong way.  Instead, I think I need to focus on the number we can give away, not the number I’m making. (Note to my kids: I love how grateful you are already!)   Maybe this will help us see that how much we give (whether time or money) is the key to how “much” will make us happy … and how much will be enough.  What do you think?

Well, I hope you all have a very relaxing weekend.  I can’t wait to catch up next week!

Someone recently pointed out a bunch of my “flaws.”  Look – I know I have them.  Who doesn’t?  But, point them out? Well, let me run through a few of them – see what you think:

1. “Your working out is too time consuming.” Ok. I do try to get to the health club or outside 5 – 6x per week. Especially when training for a race. Flaw? Well, maybe to the health club who banks on me showing up once or twice per week. I’ll call this a 1/2 flaw (but one that I love!)

2. “You worry about everything.” I worry. I’m Italian with a Jewish twist – which accounts for 70% of my “flaws.” I’ll count this as a flaw but one that someone will have to live with.

3. “You go to all your kid’s games/events.” Yes. I gave birth to them, changed a lot of diapers, dealt with a lot of runny noses. I’m going to go to whatever events I want to. I’ve earned the right. Pass.

4. “You never let ‘people’ get involved in your kids lives.” Listen here friends – if any of you want to get involved, attend functions, drive them all over kingdom come and make multiple meals every night – have at it. I’m not counting this as a flaw.

5. “You never have time without something going on.” Welcome to my world. A flaw? Maybe. The life of a single working mom (or just a parent for that matter) with three teenagers? Yes. What I wouldn’t give for someone to take me away for even a weekend … Heck, how about a trip to St. Paul?

6. “You have a lot of walls.” Hmm. I do have a cave. And, I do like to visit it. But, only when I’m not feeling safe or comfortable. The cave does have 4 walls … sometimes more depending on the day. But, in most situations I’m happy to leave the cave for something better. I’ll count this as a flaw.

7. “You don’t sleep enough.” Flaw. Menopause.

8. “You’re always tired at night.” See response above.

9. “You get defensive when I talk to you about your flaws.” FLAW!!

I think “flaws” become an issue when communication has broken down, resentment has built up and someone wants to seek validation that their position is “right” and their frustrations about you are justified. That, in and of itself, is likely a flaw.

Friends, let me make a suggestion: DON’T point out someone else’s flaws – no matter how “minor.”  The blame game doesn’t solve problems. In fact, it exacerbates them. Instead say to your partner/friend: “Hey, can I talk about my flaws and how they are affecting you and what, if anything, I can do to make it work better for us.” Change the game to a healthy, loving and productive discussion. Just think what a lack of finger-pointing can do to strengthen any kind of relationship!

Well, if I see you at the club, working (not) on my flaws, I hope you’ll just ignore the flaw and say “hi!” 🙂

Have a fantastic day!