theyearsafter50

When I get up in the morning, I have one main goal:  No matter how cold or dark it is outside; no matter how tired or even sad I might be; I make sure I remember that it’s a new day. That the birds will be chirping, the sun will come out and we all get to have another redo from the day before.  Nothing’s 100% of the time but this one I’m pretty close on.

Today I had a whole post written (sort of an intense one, which I’ll just post tomorrow) but I woke up singing this song. And because it put an extra big smile on my face, I want to do the same for you.  First sung by Marvin Gaye, here’s James Taylor singing How sweet it is to be loved by you (you youngsters are just going to have to bear with me).  Here’s the video with the words underneath.  Until someone sings it to me (:)) I’ve got it going in my mind, which at my ripe (old) age is just as good!   So, let me stop and thank you for joining me in these posts of love and the sheer joy (and exhaustion) of life!

I’m going to sing this to my kids when they get up! Have a great day!   XO

How Sweet It Is To Be Loved By You

I needed the shelter of someone’s arms
There you were
I needed someone to understand my ups and downs
There you were
With sweet love and devotion
Deeply touching my emotion
I want to stop, and thank you baby
I want to stop, and thank you baby
Yes I do

How sweet it is to be loved by you
Feels so fine
How sweet it is to be loved by you

I close my eyes at night
Wonderin’ where would I be without you in my life
Everything I did was just a bore
Everywhere I went it seems I’d been there before
But you brighten up for me all of my days
With a love so sweet in so many ways
An’ I wanna stop, thank you, baby
I just wanna stop, and thank you, baby

Ohh yes
How sweet it is to be loved by you
It’s just like sugar sometime
How sweet it is to be loved by you
Wo yea

You were better to me than I was to myself
For me, there’s you and there ain’t nobody else
I wanna stop, thank you, baby
I just wanna stop, and thank you, baby

Oh yes
How sweet it is to be loved by you
How sweet it is to be loved by you
Wo now
How sweet it is to be loved by you
It’s like jelly babe, oh yea
How sweet it is to be loved by you
Just like honey to the bee babe
Yea now
How sweet it is to be loved by you

Isn’t it funny how a stranger can bring out the best in us and yet the people we love the most get stuck with our bad moods?  We’re impatient with our partners, kids and parents.  And, we have no problem reserving our life frustrations for those we love.

We tell ourselves it’s because we’re most comfortable around those who know and love us.  And, in a strange sort of way we actually think it’s a compliment that we can be ourselves around our close family and friends.  Yet, I always thought this was the wrong way to look at it.  Shouldn’t we reserve our best treatment for those we love?

Let’s ask ourselves these questions: Do we treat our children or our parents with the same respect we use to treat our employees and co-workers?   When our partner expresses hurt, caused by us, do we take ownership of it when they share their feelings or do we get defensive, lash out at them and tell them how they aren’t doing enough for us?  Do we apologize when we’re wrong? Are our words positive and gentle or filled with sarcasm or biting retorts?

For sure, the world exacts its toll on us.  We keep a pleasant outlook but sometimes it takes a lot of energy to stay positive.  And, despite knowing that some day we will have to say goodbye to the people we love, we still, in the present moment, don’t always treat them that way.

Look, we’re not robots.  We can’t always be in a good mood nor should we have to hide our frustrations from those closest to us.  There are times when we need to relax and let it all out.  But, we should also make a conscious effort to pick and choose when we relieve ourselves of our negative emotions and focus on showing the people we love the best we have to offer – no matter how stressful our life is at that moment.

We all have bad days.  In fact, we have bad weeks and years.  But let’s try to be present and positive with those we love while we have the chance.  Let’s try to do the small things we know will put a smile on their face – the face we adore!  Let’s do it as often as we can.  We don’t know when we might not get one more chance.  I’m sure we will never, ever regret making someone we love feel good!

Hug the people you love today and have an amazing start to your week!

How often have you tried to change somebody or have them try to change you? Know how draining that can be?  You can spend a lifetime trying to do this and the only thing that changes is your frustration level (and often whether you stay in the relationship).

I was with a friend yesterday and she was talking about her partner who won’t seem to change a behavior that she’s continually addressed with him.  I suggested to her that maybe he just doesn’t want to change.  And, maybe the more she brings it up, the more he digs in.   When I asked her if she thought he could change, she said, without hesitation – YES!  But yet, two years later … no change.  Why?

Later I thought about that conversation … can people really change?

On one side of the fence, I believe that we all have innate characteristics and traits that make us who we are. And, I believe that the sooner we come to terms with that, the easier it is to change some things on the margins and to find ways to compensate for our shortcomings.

On the other side of the fence, I see people with addictions change their entire lives when they get clean.  I also have seen people who, when they hit rock bottom, find a way to create change in their lives to pick themselves up and move forward in a new and better way.

I guess my real question is, can people change their fundamental personality or just their behavior?  

I’m in the newly minted teenage years with the boys and I am constantly amazed at the questions that I receive on a daily basis.  Teenage boys are wonderful when they are not driving you crazy.  Their voices are changing, their hormones are raging and they are learning how to deal with all of the differences that they’re experiencing each and every day.   Typically, the question/answer session goes like this:

How was your day? Fine.

How was school?  Good.

How was your test? Ok.

Anything new?  Nope.

But when they want something, like what we’re wrestling with now (my refusal to allow them to do every freaking thing they want to do with their friends), the questions and demands are fast and furious.

1. “Why can’t we go to the mall with our friends?  Don’t you trust us not to do something stupid?”  “No.”

2. “Don’t you think we are big enough to beat someone up who might be trying to kidnap us?”  “Nope. And you can’t beat up a gun.”

3. “Do you think that we’re just going to go have sex with girls if we are out with a group of friends.”  “Ummm. Well, of course not…”  (I really don’t want to tell them what I was doing at their age with “groups of friends.”).

4. “Mom, it’s not like we’re going to go snort a line or drink alcohol – we just want to go hang at ….”  “I know. But I can’t control everyone in those settings and it just doesn’t feel right to me.”  (Sometimes I just don’t have a good answer and I’m going with my gut, which always pisses them off!)

Look, this is complicated business, raising teenagers.  I want to give them space to make mistakes (not the kind that would be solved by condoms – but you know what I mean) and I want them to have the freedom to explore the internet and its benefits.  You know what I’m saying; this is a lot harder than them wanting a Coke and Cheetos at the Target checkout (one hour before bedtime) – this is really tough stuff.

So, I’ve just decided that I’m going to have to look like Enemy #1 for right now.  I can play this part well.  Sometimes, I’m going to have to say “no,” even when it’s very possible I did it as a kid.  And sometimes I may have to call parents to see what’s really happening (oh, that will go over really well with my kids!).

I know one thing for sure, parenting teens means I have to pay attention.  I’ve got to be awake way past my bedtime and I’ve got to learn more about those social media sites that I have zero interest in!  Yesterday I had to get an Instagram account.  This weekend … Twitter.  Yikes!

Just another day in Teenland Paradise — at least I still know where they are at night!

Have a great day!

The boys and I went to get their hair cut yesterday – an unlikely place for anything interesting to happen other than the flavor choices of the free lollipops.  When we got there an older gentleman was waiting with a cane and an african woman was talking to him.  The boys were called back right away for their cuts but we all kept watching this woman walking back and forth between the man waiting and another man getting his hair cut.

When one of my guys was done, he sat on a chair and picked up a magazine.  The man waiting tried to hit the magazine with his cane, talking but not in a way my son could understand.  Instead of moving away, my guy moved closer to him, showing the man the magazine and talking to him about the picture he was looking at.  The african woman came over to us – her accent thick and gentle.  She said she was their caretaker and had been for 10 years.  The man who my son was talking to was 95 years old and his brother, who was getting his hair cut — almost 101!  She thanked my son for being so generous and we (of course) hugged when we left – me thanking her for just being there with us.

On the way home, we talked about getting older and how invincible we feel right now.

We will all get older and, when we do, we will likely need someone to take us for hair cuts, to help us sit down, change our clothes … maybe even feed us.  Some of you have already done that for your parents.

And, as we get older, we continue to hear the echoes of our youth.  The ability to take care of ourselves – to not be a burden.  To do what we want, within reason, with our bodies and our time.  But life is not perfect and inevitably some of us will be like the men we met yesterday – with someone taking care of them.

While this is not something to dwell on, it can help us appreciate our health at this very moment.  It can help us teach the next generation about the importance of the circle of life – that we are helpless when we are born and often when we die. It can remind us to keep spreading happiness and love all around – it’s free and will come back two-fold (research indicates that smiling and laughing results in fewer wrinkles too!).

For me, yesterday also reminded me of the goodness in my boys as they reached out, without fear, to old(er) people they didn’t even know.  This is the joy of keeping our eyes open all the time — even at the $12.00 hair cut place!

Have a fantastic start to your week.  And remind anyone you are “helping” that it is not a burden … it is life. 🙂

I gotta tell you – this was a week from I’m not sure where.  I mean a seriously difficult week, from work to kids to the emotional experiences I had with people I knew and didn’t know.  Yet, I made it through and I want to sum up this week’s lessons:

1. When your body is tired, listen to it. Quiet time with a blanket (or wine) can solve all ills.

2. Sometimes people blame you because there is no one else to blame and that doesn’t mean it’s your fault.

3. Kids will blame you when it is clearly their fault.  That’s their job.  Ignore it.

4. Resting doesn’t always have to mean sleeping.  Sometimes it can mean laughing or just hanging out with people who make you laugh.

5. It’s ok to say, “I can’t do one more thing for anyone.”

6. If your feeling nauseous, don’t go lie down in bed without an ice cream bucket.

7. Keep your eyes open.  Someone needs you.

8. You are beautiful.  And, even if you don’t feel like you are beautiful, take care of your body as if it is.

9. It is ok to get take-out dinner four out of five nights (or five out of five sometimes too.)

10. If you can’t say something nice, then say something not nice in as nice a way as possible.

11. Raising teenagers is much harder than raising elementary school kids.

12. You never know who will enter or leave your life at any particular moment.  Enjoy as much of it as you can.

13. Getting older means we just have more cool experiences to share at dinner parties.

14. Sometimes buying yourself a new dress does help.

15.  Happiness is easiest during happy times, but sweetest during hard times.

Have a really fantastic weekend!

When things happen to me twice in a relatively short period of time, I know I’m meant to write about them.  I can’t write about the first one, but let me tell you about the second one:

Tuesday night I had to swing by the grocery store.  It was 9:15 p.m. and I just wanted to go home.  It wasn’t my usual grocery store with the carpet on the floor … it was another one.

Almost no one was there and as I walked up to the register, I saw a woman with some groceries (not unusual) but she was also wearing a big coat (way too big) and big dark glasses (unusual).  I had a bad feeling.  I see that her groceries are already on the conveyor. It was mostly chips, pop, pizzas and mac and cheese.  As I got up close to her I could almost feel how she was feeling.  And, I was feeling sick.

Let me back up: 6 years ago I was on the board of a local shelter. The experience was amazing and incredibly depressing at the same time.  Being battered is a really horrible, lonely and scary life.

I tried to engage her in a conversation but she ignored me. When the total price was given to her and she realized that she doesn’t have enough money, she lifted up her glasses to look for money in her purse – I could see her panic.  She made a comment about her husband in the car not wanting to give her more money. With my hands trembling I offered to help.

She turned toward me (this was the first time I could see her face) and I felt like crying.  She’d been hammered by someone.  It was bad. I pulled out some cash and gave it to her – I was a bit panicked too and I gave her more than she needed but I told her to keep it.  I really didn’t want her to go to the car but I knew this was outside my control.  I quickly wrote my name (first) and number (work) on a piece of garbage sitting there and told her to call me any time.  She just looked at me and walked out.  Maybe that was the wrong thing to do.  It was just in the moment and it was all so fast …

As I swiped my card to buy my groceries, I realized I was crying.  The cashier walked over, gave me a tissue, hugged me and said, “I will remember the two of you and this moment for the rest of my life.”

Life is so painful.  We never know where we’ll end up, how stuck we will be, or how despondent we could become.  And, we never know when we might have the chance to – for an oh-so brief moment – give out our love and compassion.  Be thankful today.  I hope she calls me.

Have a wonderful and safe day.

So, with 50 in the rearview mirror, I’m a little more conscious about what I wear.  I have not changed the all black, all the time look but I’m a bit more careful to not look too “young.”  A few weeks back a friend made a Minnesota passive/aggressive comment about my boots.  It made me think about what I was wearing (he was wrong BTW!).  So, I did a bit of digging and found a list (and added some of my own) of things I (we?) should probably never wear post-50.  Sorry guys, some (but not all) of these are items are for women:

• Juicy sweatpants or anything with writing on the backside, including Hollister (which is the name not just of a clothier but also of a company that makes colonic irrigation supplies).
• Miniskirts, mini-shorts, anything to wear that’s been deliberately diminished. Or deliberately ripped — unless it’s you and your muscles.
• “Strappy” heels. Yes, they’re cute but your daughter is wearing them to prom.
• Super low-rise pants that showcase a lot of low-rise anatomy. In some critical places, (like in back) more really is better.
• Super-tight skinny jeans, even if you are both.
• T-shirts that say “Sexy Grandpa,” “Vote for Ozzy” or the t-shirt gift from AARP.  A tee should not have a voice.
• Fishnets.
• Thigh-high boots.
• Thigh-high boots with stiletto heels.
• Plunging V-neck shirts. Plunging V-neck sweaters. Plunging anything.
• See-through tops. This is really true for everyone, men, women and movie stars.
• See-through bottoms. Need I say more?
• Pajama bottoms during the day, outside the house.
• Gold chains with your name on them.
• Gold chains with anyone’s name on them.
• Gold chains.
• Chains.
• Those big eye doctor sunglasses as your every day sunglasses.
• Speedos and thong bikinis (unless you really can pull it off … I mean that in the appropriate way!).

My brother was married in Thailand on Saturday to a wonderful woman he met here, while they were in grad school.  Since I’ve got some experience with marriage (and divorce), I thought I might impart some single woman advice! (no groaning, please!)  Actually, this advice is for all of us, married or not:

1. Expect Challenges

There is no way to get around it. Life presents challenges we never contemplate. Think of them as normal. Think of the conflict that will naturally arise from a challenge as normal. Every challenge, including those intimate ones just between the two of you will, in the end, bring you closer together. The greatest tool for personal growth and maturity (if you use it appropriately) is marriage.

2. Listen to Each Other. Talk to One Another.

Communication is obviously the key to any great relationship. I just can’t say that enough. I mean open and transparent communication about fears, hopes and desires. Never, ever bury your feelings.  And, if you do have buried feelings (and you do and will) find loving ways to bring them up … don’t shoot each other with them.

3. Ask for Forgiveness.

Ask for forgiveness and respond with forgiveness. Hold hands when you are asking or receiving. It will eliminate any hostility.

4. Stay Intimate

Never take your partner’s fidelity for granted. There will be slow downs in your sex life (kids, illness, exhaustion, stress). Love each other through those times. Don’t make it a guilt session. Stay faithful, emotionally and physically.

5. Never use the “D” Word or say, “I’m leaving.”

Those words and threats are never really erased. You can’t imagine saying or thinking it now, but it may come to mind someday. Keep it to yourself.

6. Celebrate Each Other

Have fun. Be happy for each other’s accomplishments. There’s no contest here.

7. She Needs Love. He Needs Respect

Please read the book by E. Eggerichs, “Love and Respect.” Of course, men need love too, but when a woman doesn’t feel love, she reacts in a way that feels like she doesn’t respect you.  And when a man doesn’t feel respect, he doesn’t want to exhibit love. It is a crazy, dysfunctional cycle and if you find yourself there (and you will), you can jump off and restart.  Remember – There’s nothing wrong with a restart. In fact, throughout your marriage, expect and embrace every one of your restarts.

8. Imagine It.

It’s hard to believe right now, but some day you will be older. Your kids will be gone and it’ll just be the two of you.  It doesn’t matter if you get together at 35 or 65, have a common vision for your relationship.  It may not turn out exactly as you plan, but relationships suffer when there is no picture for where you two want to go.

So, to my beautiful sister-in-law, welcome to our crazy and loving family!  And, to my brother … I love you and look forward to watching the two of you grow together – in life and love. Congratulations!

XOXO

We all know the easy things to do in life — listen without interrupting, follow through, doing the right thing in the moment.  But it is also quite easy to run from the difficult things in life – to force our focus off ourselves and on to others.  Even in my blogs, I sometimes write about things that are easy to accomplish – simply missing the tough stuff.

Yet, if we want to succeed in love and life we must not only do the little things, hold hands, pay attention, think of others first, we must also challenge ourselves to do the hard work.

Hard work pays off.  Look, being physically and emotionally healthy is hard work. Finding and maintaining a successful relationship is hard work. Raising kids is hard work. Getting organized is hard work. Setting goals, making plans to achieve them, and staying on track is hard work. Even being happy is hard work (true happiness that comes from what you chose in life).

Hard work goes hand-in-hand with acceptance. One of the things you must accept are those areas of your life that won’t succumb to anything less than hard work. Perhaps you’ve had no luck finding a fulfilling relationship. Maybe the only way it’s going to happen is if you accept you’re going to have to do what you’ve been avoiding – the hard work of looking at your own behaviors and fears.

Maybe you want to lose weight. Maybe it’s time to accept that the path to your goal requires a discipline of diet and exercise (both hard work).   Maybe you want to make more money … that means working harder.

We achieve a whole new level when go for what we want with full abandon – regardless of how painful or fearful we are.  The truth is, when we surrender to our fear, it becomes our ally instead of our enemy.

What does this mean for me?  I want a better relationship with my loved ones and I’m going to look at my own actions first instead of pointing my finger at them.  I’m going to be more patient for the next thing/person/event in my life (patience is hard work for me!).   And, I’m going to slow down and take the time to breath.

Can you hear me breathing?

Have a great Saturday!