theyearsafter50

I met someone this weekend. Totally random because I’ve not been out of the house much at all (still a lot of dog-separation anxiety). Somehow we got to talking about life, and then death and then he mentioned that his mother had passed away last year. She had a bout with cancer (second time), and she didn’t want to continue the fight.

He told me that during the first bout they almost lost her. He was much younger and really didn’t know how to say good-bye. At the time they were so caught up in the situation rather than being in the moment. Had he lost her then, he said, he would have had so many loose (life) ends. The second time, he was able to say all that he wanted to (including good-bye) and spend the time that he needed. I was shocked at how open he was about his life experiences … this was like a 7-minute chat!

During our conversation, I started to cry (typical, I know). This time from July 4 to August 21 is always hard for me (her six weeks from diagnosis to death). And, interestingly enough, I always meet someone during this period …

Anyway, he reminded me that saying goodbye to someone we care about can be one of the most difficult things we ever do. However, good-byes can be a second chance for growth and personal development. For him, he was able to focus on the positive nature of his mom’s influence on his life. And his ability to be more present with other people. He asked me what positive came out of my mom’s death. Of course, it was my relationship with my dad and frankly my ability to know how to say good-bye when his time came near (his was six weeks from diagnosis to death too).

I’m not sure the reason for that chance meeting or this post. But maybe it’s to remind us to find the positive aspect of all that is difficult and painful. Maybe it’s to not rush through our relationships, friendships, our days or our experiences. It’s funny, but despite crying (read: sobbing) with a stranger, I left feeling so happy and full of purpose about life. Gosh, maybe that was the reason for the meeting …

Regardless, hope you have a great start to your week!

xoxo Jessica

This word has been at the fore of my mind lately. Of course, it comes up a lot at work given that I’m an employment attorney and people are stressed out at work. But even more so lately, it’s been a major source of conversation at home.

Since our move, Lily, our dog, is suffering from some serious anxiety. She will not leave my side, she is fearful of almost everything and really has not slept much. We have gotten some great advice on how to help her manage the change. But her anxiety has affected all of us and it made me think about how anxiety in humans affects not just the individual but those that love the individual.

I’m sure some of you can relate to how I’m feeling with a dog who doesn’t want to leave my side. Remember when you were home all day with kids and as soon as your partner came home, you bolted (you literally could be walking out the door as you were already dressed and had your keys in your hand!)? Or when a walk through Target was a vacation? When getting gas and watching the TV above the pump was entertainment? I used to go through the car wash because it was so loud and drowned out the world!

Yesterday, my son came home for a bit and I begged him to watch her so I could run to the grocery store. When he texted me that he had to leave 35 minutes later, I almost cried! He knew I needed out so he stayed and was late to meet his friends — I shortened my trip and ran home. At that point I realized, Lily’s anxiety was not only affecting her, it was affecting all of us.

Poor pup. She slept for the first time today and frankly, it felt like heaven. I did laundry, I cleaned the floors, I organized my closet and I had a snack and a warm cup of coffee without our four legged fur baby at my feet looking up at me with those eyes! Tomorrow, I’m going to try to leave and walk around the block. Maybe I’ll even go get myself an Americano!

Lily will get through this, but not with out love and care from her humans. But in order for us to give her that love and care, we need to take care of ourselves. When I was fried from the move, I didn’t have a lot to give Lily. It probably affected her.

To my friends who are taking care of someone else (for whatever reason), PLEASE take time for you. It’s easy to forget and critically important to remember—you can only truly be there for others, if you are taking care of yourself. Even something like five minutes alone with a cup of coffee, or a call with a friend, can be enough to re-energize.

If any of you feel like taking a walk with me and Lily, let us know. If we’re busy, it’s because we’re taking care of ourselves and enjoying the outdoors!

XOXO

Jessica

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Woman working through her second half of life are the most interesting humans on the planet for so many reasons — here are 10 of them!

1. Life’s complexity increases with her age. She is now multi-dimensional and layered. She has done all the heavy lifting of school, work and children.
2. She has lived more than one story. In fact, she’s lived many stories and all of them more interesting than the last.
3. She’s navigated numerous relationships with various roles, people, lengths and depths.
4. She knows what she means and says it as well.
5. She also knows what it means to carry hurt and loss. She is able to navigate through it all.
6. She’s had multiple titles and identities.
7. Her life is now expanding. But at the same time she’s able to navigate it’s contraction as well.
8. She is fresh! She’s new to this phase of life and it feels like starting all over again. She’s energized!
9. She’s not taking any freaking shit from anyone!
10. She sees the moments (or now has the time to see the moments) finally.

I ask you to help me change the one shortcoming of this phase of life, which is the societal diminishing and invisibility of women over 50. How do we avoid this? We need to tell our stories. Tell them to our kids and to our friends. Write them. Put them on social media. Find a great therapist and let go of all the pain and loss from before 50 so you can blossom in this time after 50. We have profound gifts and sharing them with other women will enhance not only our lives but those of generations to come (and will help the men in our lives!).

To my over 50 friends, I see you. I cherish you. I want to hear and be part of your stories in your over 50 time. Have an amazing day!

XOXO

Jessica

She told me how proud and excited she was for me. Her life has not been as she had “planned.” She wished she had left her husband years ago. She tried but he convinced her to come back. She’s never been entirely happy. Now he’s quickly declining with Alzheimer’s. She feels trapped. She can’t leave now. I suppose he feels trapped, but in a different and very sad way. But I’m doing what she has wanted to do for many years. I don’t detect any jealousy. We all choose our path. I felt real happiness from her to me. It made me cry and we hugged as we said good-bye.

Her excitement for me is my move. A move that will occur in four hours, when the dawn comes and the moving trucks arrive. I’ve been here 24 years. A million memories. A million lifetimes, but yet, one lifetime ending and another one beginning.

Rather than my normal meditation today, I just sat in the meditation chair from my sons. With my eyes open. Looking out in the backyard. Listening to the birds one last time. Remembering all the memories. Kids running around. Kids fighting. Kids laughing. Parties. Rain. Snow. Hail. Homework and more homework. Twenty-four years.

I have million thoughts. I have so much to write. And I will. But, for now, I really need a cup of coffee before these movers arrive. It will be a day, for sure.

More to come.

Love you all.

Jessica

It is that time of year again for Jews who believe that during the time between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur (the Day of Atonement), G-d inscribes people’s names either into the book of life, the book of death, or a third “neither here nor there” book on Rosh Hashanah. During the ten “terrible” days between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, people have a chance to change their fate if they repent enough. As tradition goes, the books are sealed on Yom Kippur, and so people’s fates are sealed. What do they say gets you into the Book of Life? Charity, repentance and prayer.

I think a lot about repentance. There are many people I let down or could do better with each year. But I’ve come to the realization recently that there is one person to whom I need to apologize to this year (and maybe every year), and that’s me. We always put ourselves last when we should be first.

Let’s remember one key point here: Life is more about rewriting your story rather than writing it. In other words, if you don’t like what’s been written on your page, tear it out or erase it and start over. You are not stuck. You can rewrite your page, your story, your day, your week or your year.

The Jews are on to something. We should be thankful that G-d puts us in the Book of Life each year. But also, we should be grateful that we received another year.

On this Yom Kippur, I have decided to focus on me. I’m continually rewriting my own story and you should too. I’m going to make space to enjoy “additional” experiences, spend time with friends and family and slow down this fast-paced ride a bit to hear the leaves rustle in the trees (although I totally enjoy my fast-paced life!).

No question—we are here to make contributions—to leave a positive footprint and do for others. But we must first be in love with, and have time for, our own footprint!

So, to my family and friends, on this holiday no matter what you believe or in whom (or even if you don’t believe), I pray that you are inscribed in the Book of Life—but, using your own ink. 🙂

XOXO

Jessica

Many of you may know that I once took a meditation class. It was billed as a relaxing, no judgment, peaceful opportunity. I was so excited to “learn” how to meditate. I got to the first class early and introduced myself to everyone because I figured they would all become my best friends! I quit four weeks later – completely stressed out about trying to meditate. Who quits a meditation class? Why couldn’t I fake it?

Over the years I continued to try. I went through a period where every time I tried to meditate, the dog would start licking her private parts so loudly that I could not concentrate. I gave up.

On Sunday I was talking someone and we got on the topic of meditation. I told her I needed to find a way to destress. She told me that she started meditating after her husband died. She said that she cried each time she tried to get quiet. It went on for months. Then, one day, she prayed for strength and for him to be with her for just five minutes. That was the start of a beautiful relationship with her meditations—which she says can be anything that feels good (within the bounds of the law, of course!).

So I tried that the next morning. I prayed for love, strength and protection for the people I love. I prayed for them to find joy in the little things in life and for them to find love in their hearts. Oh, and I prayed for myself too!

Know what the dog did? Well the first day she threw up a sock one minute into my meditation (I thought it was her intestine-WTF!). Day two she just sat at my feet staring at me the whole time. So freaking annoying. I think she farted too.

Then on day three, she came to my feet, curled up in a ball, took a deep breath and went to sleep. I was so mesmerized that I missed my timer. All I ended up doing was taking a few minutes to listen to my breath resonate in my body—felt amazing.

I guess this is a lesson to me that if someone in the depths of despair can find a way to meditate, I can too. And, it can be anything I want it to be. Each day I only last a few minutes. It’s really a prayer session with me trying to bring cleansing energy into my body and trying to send it to others.

Find a few minutes each day, even if it’s when you’re making your morning coffee, to hear your own breath. There is grace in that simple moment.

(and hopefully your dog will be reasonable at the same time). 🙂

XOXO

Jessica

I met someone for coffee recently. We’d not seen each other for a long time. We spent the short hour or so catching up and talking about the changes, joys and trials in our lives.

The back story is that I’d not seen this person for many years. That was partly my doing. I put up some pretty strict boundaries. It was the right thing to do at the time. And, it was right for me to hold it for as long as I did. But, for some reason, my gut told me it was time to get coffee and just examine that boundary.

It was an enjoyable hour and I received some wisdom—which was completely unexpected. When I got into my car I heard myself say out loud, “Check.” I said it not in a bad way, but just in a clearing cobwebs sort of way. A taking down of a boundary so I could gently close the door rather than the slam of the door when I first put the boundary up. Am I making any freaking sense here?

When we put up boundaries, we do it to shift the power. Often to take back our power. We do it when people are not respectful toward us and do not deserve to be in our life space. Sometimes, we must keep some form of a boundary up forever. Sometimes the boundaries change. Sometimes, I wonder if the boundary itself begins to hold so much power that it prevents us from moving forward. I think that’s what I’m trying to get at here; maybe what was once healthy (the boundary) becomes unnecessary because we have changed. In other words, it takes up more life space than is necessary.

I’m in the middle of a life shift. I’ve begun writing. I am going to move from my home of 23 years. My relationship with my kids is changing, in a really awesome and freeing way. And I generally feel change is in my airspace. The process can be bumpy and painful at times, but that’s life, right? I wonder if maybe to get to that next place, we need to clear out the unnecessary energy, people and situations and other holds on our lives, so we can open up door number one, two or even three?

Yesterday, I was waiting for an appointment and I saw a deck of cards. I pulled a card and flipped it over. It read, “The Universe Has Your Back.” Ahhhh. Yes, it had my back on this one.

As you move through your life and make decisions that you may or may not be sure about, know that that the “universe” has your back. Or, at the very least, your loved ones do. 🙂

For those of moving into a new holiday period, I wish you peace and time for contemplation. For my other wonderful friends and readers of this blog, yes, the universe has your back, and so do I.

XOXO

Jessica

When I was walking Lily on Friday, we were on a road that is fairly busy. Cars go by rather quickly. As we stopped (she stopped!) to sniff yet another blade of grass, we heard a loud smack!

I looked up to see a flock of geese fly above us. I remember thinking that I hoped they didn’t poop on us. And then I realized that the smack was a goose. One of them had been killed. It was instantly dead in the road and the car that hit it just kept going.

A lone goose seemed to know what was happening and didn’t fly away. It stayed behind. Just standing there on the curb. Maybe it was their partner. It stood there like it wanted the dead goose to wake up so they could fly away together. It seemed distressed and wanted to go over and check on its mate but the cars just kept going and it could not go over to it. It was heartbreaking.

I dropped to the ground and sobbed. I mean lost it. Poor Lily had no idea what was happening but she knew something was wrong and just sat next to me. All I could say in my mind to the one left there was “I’m sorry. I am so, so sorry.”

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t love or even like these geese. But this was not just a goose. It was life and death. I could not move myself from that spot. It felt like the world had stopped.

It took what seemed like an eternity for the lone goose to fly away – the opposite direction from the rest. I cried the whole way home.

During the Queen’s funeral (I’m up early anyway) there was a moment of silence. I wondered if the world would be silent—to stop and pray or think or remember.

But the world didn’t stop. I could hear the birds outside my window. The crickets kept going. The cars. It was the same as when that goose died. The world stopped for its partner (and me) but everything else kept going.

I guess that’s what life and death is all about. There is a constant marching of time even when it sometimes stops for others.

My take way that day and today is to be grateful. Thank You. Thank you for yet another day. Thank you for those of you I will speak with today and for those of you I won’t speak with but will think about. I will pray for the angry and lost people in my space. And, I will send healing energy to those who need healing.

Life keeps going and while we have the opportunity to be here, and maybe we’ll just remember it for a moment today, let’s make sure we don’t take it for granted.

XOXO

When you look in the mirror, you see each individual flaw. Those flaws are the things we fear and we worry about when the light shines too brightly. But even though every scar is illuminated in the mirror, we should just take a minute to pause, to breathe and see the beauty in the whole of these things that have marked us.

I wonder if our external mirror reflects our internal mirror. And does the way we judge ourselves, color how we judge others?

There is beauty in the scars that have marked us. Whether seen or unseen. We really are the only ones who notice them and, as such, we are free to cast them away and to fix our gaze on the wholeness of who we are rather than our parts.

But of course, that is not easy. The world is full of “mirrors.” So, be patient with yourself. Remember, seeing the parts of you as a whole, is simply you getting to know who you are … even if you just start with one moment, today.

XOXO

Jessica

I know someone who is waiting for a health-related test result. Seems like something I would worry about, because, of course, I’m a Jewish/Italian worrier. But this person is really working on remaining present—A tough but important job.

This made me think about how far forward we often look. Excited for our kid’s wedding? We count the days. Looking forward to vacation? It’s all we can think about until we get on the plane and collapse. I do this on my dog walks. We walk fast because I want Lily to get her exercise, but I also want to get “started” on my day (as if my walk is not starting my day—clearly another post).

Racing, pushing, trying to force things forward doesn’t work. Hurrying will not speed up the process, or the journey, or the result. In fact, when we race ahead of ourselves, we often find that we have to go back, to return to the parts we skipped over and go through it all over again.

For sure there are times when we need to press on. We need to get answers. But that just keeps us tense and out of step. If we really want to speed up a process, we need to fully immerse ourselves in the moment and then focus our energy, our presence, our emotions, our thoughts and our hearts. So, I guess the lesson is that when we push forward the an immersed way, it really ends up requiring us to be present in the moment.

How often do we hold our breath and worry about the next thing? I have learned that time will move at the time it’s meant to move. Sometimes fast and sometimes agonizingly slow. For those (read: me) driven by, g-d knows what, it can be really hard to slow down and take in the minutes and moments. We can push forward but we should not let time be the thing that goes unanswered.

I feel like I’m entering the dessert phase of life! What do I want to put into this phase? It’s easy to feel anxious wondering and waiting for what will happen next. But if we trust our inner wisdom to organically show herself and reveal direction … to sit patiently … we will move right past the worrying and experience every beautiful minute of the “waiting.”

Enjoy the day my lovely friends.

XOXO