theyearsafter50

I may have mentioned that a long time friend did something that really hurt my feelings.  It was pretty bad.  And at that time I was in this process of gently learning to keep personal boundaries. So, I said to him “I felt bad when you did XYZ.”  He immediately got angry, defensive and I’ve not heard from him since.  I’ve left messages, sent emails, but he’s just not going to respond.  It has been a struggle for me to sort through this.  What did I do wrong?

I had a drink with a friend who gave me some insight.  His theory — deep down, we all want to think of ourselves as good people. That we wouldn’t hurt anyone or do anything bad. So in order to maintain that we are good people, we have to create a story in our mind that the other person deserved our bad treatment.  We have to convince ourselves that there was something bad about the other person that made us treat them badly.

Using this theory, I can see how treating people is more about our own internal feelings than how we feel about the other person.  In fact, treating people well helps us like others more and cultivates compassionate treatment of others and of continuing to treat them well – no matter how they treat us.

How about this:

Our feeling of love and support doesn’t come from how others treat us, but from how we treat others, and why we treat others that way.

The “why” is important. When we try to treat others well to get them to like us, it fails and sets up a feeling of being unappreciated and used.  What works better is setting our boundaries and not allowing others to treat us badly. If they continue to treat us badly even after setting our boundaries, then it’s not about us. If they treat us better after we set our boundaries, then we’ve made a potential friend based not on us trying to appease them or doing what we think they want from us, but based on two people who are treating each other well because they like themselves.

This was like a light bulb for me. When other people treat us badly, it’s about them, not us.  They are simply treating us badly.  And, the great thing is that we can continue to treat people well for our own reasons, rather than trying to be a peace maker or trying to “get” people to like or appreciate us.  

Whew!  Needed that one! 🙂

Have a great weekend!

 

I’ve met very few women who liked their bodies. In fact, I can actually think of only one woman I know who is happy with her body.  And, I must tell you, she isn’t a swimsuit model or a stunning women with perfect hair.  And, based on our standards of who “should be” satisfied with her body, she’s not one of them.

Men you are not immune from this issue.  You just don’t obsess about it like women!

My friend has a more peaceful feeling about the body she’s in.  She treats it well, exercises, eats healthy, allows herself to have some less-than-healthy days.  And, she gets more attention from men than some of the most beautiful (physically) women I know.

It’s all about how we feel about ourselves — not how we look.

There’s a lot of negative energy being spent on not liking our body … and it’s the only one we’re going to get.  So, my friend and I came up with some ways to (try to) love what we’ve got:

1. Talk about it.  Don’t treat your body like an alien.  Talk about what you like and don’t like … it might not seem so bad when you say it out loud.

2. When someone compliments you, just say thank you (and really mean it!).

3. Don’t assign values to food. When you eat something because it’s “good” you’re just punishing yourself.  Eat things that you actually ENJOY in moderation and don’t beat yourself up.  You will find that letting up on yourself will actually make it easier to eat those “good” things!

4. Wear clothes that fit you and make you feel good.  I know one thing:  I feel better when I am wearing something that makes me feel good.  That fits.  Even if it’s only three things … wear them all the time!

5. Enjoy moving your body.  Don’t feel like you have to compete with those people at the health club who are working out 3 hours a day … enjoy whatever you are doing to move – even if it’s picking up the s*** your kids have left all over the house!  🙂

6. Don’t weigh yourself.  In Screw Inner Beauty, the authors write: “If your clothes fit the way they did yesterday, you don’t need to freak out. Throw out your scales – they are just little electronic demons squatting in your bathroom, making you feel rotten.”  Love!

7. Avoid negative tapes.  Pay attention to those times when the negative tape is playing in your brain.  Replace it with something fun, dance, sing or remind yourself that you’re grateful to have a body at all!

Even though my friend is ok with her body, she still has self-doubt.  We all do … its human nature.  Loving your body is really, really hard work.  But we’ve got two choices:  (1) keep feeling bad; or (2) find new ways to accept that which we just can’t change (other than our thoughts!).  Let’s try the latter!

Have a great day!

There are some really angry people out there.  And, they are in weapons of mass destruction — cars.  Frankly, I’m growing weary of people honking if I don’t put my foot on the gas at the very moment the light turns green.

The other day I stopped on the road as a family of ducks was crossing the street.  As I waited, I put my flashers on.  I happened to look in the rear view mirror and saw a car barreling up behind me.  I realized that he was going to hit me or he was going to have to drive on the shoulder to get around me.

Regardless of whether he saw the ducks, he still knew I was stopped yet he had no intention of slowing down.  He swerved around me and looked right at me as he flipped me off.  Unfortunately, the ducks had just gotten to the side of the road and he drove right into them – killing them all but the mother (she became hysterical … ).  The guy kept going.  I had to pull over because I was sobbing.

Why do people lose their mind when they get in their car?  For some reason we don’t hold to our inner standards of integrity when we have 4 wheels under us. When people get in their vehicle it’s like they feel anonymous … shielded from the world.  Maybe a car is the only safe place for them to kick and scream.

Here’s what I want to say to these people:  slow the f*** down!  When you find yourself reacting angrily, or in such a big hurry – take a deep breath.  Are you stressed out?  Are you too rushed?  Is there really something that absolutely can’t wait the five seconds it takes for someone to get their foot on the pedal or 30 seconds to allow the ducks to cross the road without honking like crazy? Do you want to kill someone because you have a meeting?

My kids are on the road now.  And, even if they weren’t we all need to keep our busy lives from getting in the way of driving, using a blinker or not paying attention.  I’ve been an offender too.  Well, not any more.

Frankly, I would have felt a lot better if he had stopped.  He knew he hit something.  Maybe his meeting was too important.

Just another reminder about life — even in my car.

Have a safe start to the week!

On a day when we are supposed to focus on “mom,” it hits me that there are many people who don’t have that title, that deserve love from me today.  There have been many “moms” in my life over the years.  People who have taken care of me after my mom was gone, people who were there for me in times when I couldn’t do for myself.

There is no right or wrong way to celebrate Mother’s Day and there are so many different kinds of “moms” out there. No one-size-fits-all. In fact, I think there are many people who are not getting cards or praise from us and they should.  There are also many people who don’t find this day particularly happy.

To my friends who have lost a child – I am so sorry.  I know this is a day of mourning and not a day of celebration.  Whether it was your only child or you have more – this day will be filled with love and with heartache.  My heart is with you today.

To my friends who are motherless, this is a tough day.  I tell my mom as often as I can, that I love her.  I wonder if she can hear or feel me.

To my friends who chose not to have children or couldn’t, life is not black and white and there is no right or wrong to how we end up living our lives.  Enjoy today and embrace the love you’ve given to others.

To those who have given up children for adoption.  You are the most selfless of us all.  Every decision opens new doors and directions not just for us but for all those involved.  I hope you have peace in your decision today.

To you single dads out there.  Celebrate all you’ve done.  It is not easy doing it as a woman.  It must be so much harder filling both roles.  This day is not just for women so enjoy it too!

Yesterday I heard about a 61 year old woman, whose husband just died, and she is now raising someone else’s 6 year old by herself.  Wow!  To those of you raising someone else’s child … you are amazing.  To all the step-moms and foster moms out there — we celebrate you!

This really should be a day to thank someone.  Someone who fit that role for you whether for a minute, a day or your lifetime.  So, let’s do something really fantastic — Let’s go thank that special someone in our lives.  Everyone deserves love today.

Happy Love Day.

In honor of yet another Hallmark holiday, I’ve decided to create my own Rotten Tomato rating scale for my motherhood.   I wonder if my mom ever did that.  Did she ever question how well she was doing?  Did she wonder why her teenage girl (me) was such a shit?  Did she worry it was her fault?  Did she contemplate that I might need therapy some day because of my Italian/Jewish/Curly-haired descent?  Was she like the rest of us, filled with self-doubt about their parenting?

So, here are the pros and cons of Jessica’s mom-abilities:

Cons (69% dislike on Rotten Tomato):

• Sometimes I’m short fused and after a long day at work, the thought of cooking, cleaning, laundry makes me a bit crabby.
• I won’t let my kids quit their stringed instruments.  They’re not happy with me about that.
• I’m a bit militant about getting enough sleep (although I have no idea why I don’t force myself to sleep more!)
• I ask a lot of questions.  Sometimes that pisses them off.
• I like to hang with them when they don’t want to hang with me.
• I like my alone time when they want to hang with me.
• I’m passionate and sometimes that comes off as “uncomfortable” or “awkward.”

Pros (100% on Rotten Tomato – (why not give myself 100%??):

• I am in love with them.
• I tell them I love them every day.
• I’m super open about life: the good, the bad and the really ugly.
• I give them what they need but not always what they want.
• I have boundaries for them and for me.
• I value our family and our time together, which frustrates them now but they’ll be glad some day.
• I respect them.  Even when I don’t agree with them, I respect them.
• I ensure that we support one another and work as a team.
• We have fun!

As I tell my kids what I’m writing, I get lots of protests and hugs. They tell me I’m “the best mom ever” – and that they “love the not-so-great things” about me!  Now they are making me cry and it’s hard to type the blog.

Looking back, my mom was all of the pros and all of the cons – but I didn’t really appreciate it until she got sick and oh-so-quickly left.  In fact, how often did I tell her how great I thought she was? That I loved her crazy dancing, her weird food choices and her wild hair (wow, sounds familiar)?  We never say it enough.  For me, it’s too late.

So, if your mom’s still here, tell her.  Let her know that you love all the things she knows you don’t always appreciate about her!  Tell her that you now know how hard it was to raise you.  Tell her that you love her.  Don’t wait.

Instead of beating ourselves up about our mom-abilities, how about we base our rating on how much joy we get from being a parent.  I think that’ll put us on the top of the rating scale.  No one’s perfect, right? 🙂

Have a fantastic weekend!

Note to self:

• Breathe gently.
• Enjoy the birds chirping and the falling of the rain.
• Enjoy those people who smile at me and smile back at them.
• Close my eyes and dream.
• Hug my kids.
• Eat my food slowly.
• Chose my words carefully.
• Love those who I want to hate.
• Note the beauty of life – with its tears, losses and accomplishments.
• Enjoy the cool clean water that I drink and the roof over my head.
• Be thankful I can work and help others.
• Accept the help of others.
• Enjoy the sound of my children chatting over breakfast.
• Appreciate what I don’t have.
• Give away what someone else needs.
• Make peace with myself.

Have a wonderful day.

 

I posed this first question to my kids and they pretty much freaked out: “Mom, you don’t have bad thoughts do you?”   “Mom, what kind of stuff’s going through your head that would be a problem?”

Oh, honey, if you only knew!

Thank goodness my brain isn’t hooked up to a microphone. Because, I have to admit that I have a lot of thoughts that I wouldn’t like to share!

And, you know what I do with those thoughts?

NOTHING.

I know I espouse the “let’s be positive” way of living but we can’t be that way all the time and frankly – forcing positive is like the high fructose corn syrup of the thinking world – it’s not natural nor is it good to pretend for us (sorry kids for the food analogy — they hate when I do that!).

So, when we feel bad – rather than pretending to be something else or looking for a bandaid, just try sitting tight.  It’s totally natural to have negative moments about who we are as a parent, lover, friend, person.  Look what we do with our kids: when they’re having a fit, we send them for a time out to calmly examine their thinking at that particular moment.  We don’t them to fake it and come up with a smile on their face (although I would have liked to do that a few times!).

Did you know that research has shown (out of Canada of all places!), that when people suffering from low-self esteem reached for positive thinking, it backfired and they felt worse about themselves after saying positive affirmations than they did before.  But, when they were told to just hang with those feelings, they found a way to move to the positive much quicker.

So, back to my original question: what do we do with negative thinking?

• You can choose to ignore it, go for a walk, enjoy the birds chirping and just let it pass.
• You can examine your negative thoughts because there’s always a kernel of truth to those thoughts and you can actually (and honestly) look at what you can change in your life to move in a new direction.
• You can try to broaden your perspective.  When I have a negative thought(s), I’m usually missing the trees in the forest – just plain focused on the wrong thing.
• You can talk to your “group” – those people who love you no matter how sh***y you’re feeling.

Most of the time we’re happy.  And, of course, it’s great to feel and be positive — that’s genuine.  But, when you’re not feeling that way – that’s authentic too.  And, it’s likely a way for us to learn more about ourselves, our thoughts and needs.

So, while I’m not going to broadcast my feelings – I am going to enjoy the moments when I have a few negative ones.  Maybe I’ll learn something new about myself or maybe it will give me an excuse for a time out – a long one!!! 🙂

Have a great day!

What if before we got into a relationship we were told one thing:  Pay attention.  That’s all.  Just to keep your eyes and ears and heart open?  Would your relationships be different today?

I just have one message for myself (and maybe you today):

Look at your relationships – one at a time.  Really look at them – your family, your partner, children, friends.  Are they what you want them to be?  If not, talk to each person, uninterrupted, about your relationship.  If it’s your partner, ask: What are your/our life goals together?  What do we each need and are those needs being met?  How can we love each other in a way that feels better?

Here’s an analogy: With your car, do you get the oil changed regularly? Yes. Tires rotated?  Tuned up and transmission checked? Yes. Do you wash it and keep it clean?  Do you do this for your relationships?  Ahh…..

We don’t and what often happens?  We blow a tire on our relationship or the body rusts or it just stops working.  Yet, we had in our control the ability to take care of the relationship. We should have (could have) paid attention.

I took the kids out for dinner the other night and my food came back not the way I ordered it.  My kids were embarrassed when I nicely asked to have it remade.  But why not?  Why settle for something when it can be better? Why would I do that in life?  Why not strive for the happiest relationships with my partner, children, family, friends and coworkers?  Seriously, the wait staff was happy to make me happy and I felt better eating the food I ordered.  Same with life, right?

So, all I ask is that you stop and have that conversation.  Ask how happy and satisfied are the people in their life and relationship with you.  Then — and here’s the important part —- listen to the answer.  You will get a chance to talk about your s***.  This time just listen.  Ask questions, care about your questions and then listen again to their responses.

Honestly, I can’t wait to do this with each of my kids.  How often do we pay attention to them, at that level, in the craziness of life.  Maybe that holds true for your partner as well…

It’s easy to take relationships for granted.  But, we all know that life’s too short not to pay attention to these critical people in our lives.  I predict that if we (and I am totally including myself in here) pay attention, we’ll be amazed at how great our relationships can be!

Have a fantastic start to your week!

 

I once saw an interview with Reba McEntire where she was being asked about her long and successful relationship with her husband and if she attributed their success to love.  She laughed and said “no.”  She said that while love is important, the success of her marriage was their respect for one another.

A friend of mine is in a relationship where I don’t see any respect. When they become angry, they blame the other for not being what they
thought they were. There is drama, passion and crazy making but I don’t see it ending up as a healthy relationship.

Think about it this way: People come in all different races, types, shapes and sizes. We all have different belief systems. Everyone has different values and different life circumstances. We all have different needs.

Yet, there is one thing we really all have in common – the need for respect.  Even if you don’t have a partner, or kids, or work, or even money – you need respect.  Respect is the entire key to how society works.  When we don’t respect people, we steal from them, we murder – we discriminate against them.

What is respect?  Respect is a recognition of a person’s worth.  Gangs kill for respect.  Abusers demand respect.  When these things occur in one’s life, we lose respect for the person treating us badly and then they demand even more respect … this is true all over the world and this is why we see so much tragedy.

True respect is seeing someone, flaws and all, and still feeling appreciation of their unique talents, gifts and insights. It is not expecting perfection nor is it beating someone into submission.  Think about those people you really respect.  You do so because they are a good people, thoughtful, kind and warrant your respect.  They ask for nothing.

Of course, respect begins with the self.  When someone does not respect themselves, they really can not respect others.  They may demand respect, they may claim that they should be respected … But, they don’t feel that way inside.

Respect goes beyond love relationships.  I’m reading a book called Trustology in which it discusses that the same rules apply in work as in love.  We need to have open communication, honesty and consideration for us to have trust.  When we have trust, we have respect and anything is possible!

What does this mean for us?  It’s got to start somewhere – with us, with our children and even with our co-workers. We have to begin a dialog about respect.  We need to look for relationships where there is respect – where we listen to what we each have to say and even if we don’t agree, we won’t blame the other for our issues or differences.

Imagine our children’s generation growing up with this as the number one rule of life.  Think of the amazing change in the world!

Have a fantastic weekend!

This morning I woke up thinking about how easy it is to say things we don’t mean and how difficult it is to take them back.  How many times have you said something and later on replayed it in your mind – wishing you hadn’t said it in that way … or said it at all!  This is something we learn the hard way, especially when we say things in anger – how to watch what we say.  I’m unquestionably guilty here.  I wonder about how different some of my relationships might be if there was a bit more thought before words.

When I’m doing training sessions for work, I often give this list of things to think about before someone says something to a subordinate or co-worker:

• You may not know all the facts.
• You may speak too quickly.
• You may say too much.
• You may use the truth as a club to hurt others.
• You may say something you regret later.
• You may hurt someone’s feelings.
• You may reveal your own weakness.

I also use the toothpaste analogy — once you squeeze the toothpaste out of the tube, you can’t put it back in!

I find this especially true with my teenagers (both ways!).  Sometimes I regret the things that come out of my mouth (and I know they do too!).  I often give advice when they didn’t ask for it.  Or, I voice my suspicions that really should remain in my head.  Sometimes I get so passionate about a subject too early in a conversation that I wonder if it shuts their thoughts down.  This happens in our love relationships too (sometimes even more so than with anyone else!).

Here’s something I (we?) need to remember:

Silence is often misinterpreted but never misquoted.

I was in a meeting yesterday and the head person was fairly silent.  At first I couldn’t read him. Then I realized that he was just taking it all in before he responded.  He wanted to hear everyone one else (not his own words) first.  And then what came out of his mouth after everyone had shared their opinions, was thoughtful, relevant and addressed everyone’s concerns.  That’s a great communicator.

I’m going to make a commitment to use that method as a mom, friend and partner.  Listen first, respond second.  This might be tough for the Italian in me!

Life really is such a big learning curve.  It’s ever-changing and you really can’t go to school for it!

I’m off to go for a walk in the rain to just listen to the birds.

Enjoy your day!