theyearsafter50

Sometimes I get tired. Know what I mean? Single mom, three teenagers, working full-time, a house, car, obligations … we all have a billion obligations. And, we all work hard to make sure we leave no stone unturned. But every once in a while I have to admit, it would be nice to have someone take care of me.

Everything we read is how to be independent, be organized, how to get things done. We are told that we can be more efficient, more effective and more engaged in life – all at the same time! We teach our kids to be self-sufficient and go getters. As if that’s the only way.

But, it’s not.

Do we remind our kids that it’s ok to ask for help? That it’s normal to want to have someone take care of them once in a while? Do we tell them that it’s fine to say,”I just need support?”

Earlier this week I got a terrible case of the flu. But, I didn’t really have time to be sick. Who was going to drive kids places, feed them, get my work done? A friend called to say hi and, desperately exhausted I said, I was completely fried. He talked me off the roof, told me how thankful he was that he had called (!!!) and then gave me the best help of all … a quiet night out at my favorite restaurant without having to cook or clean or feed anyone but myself! Friends are amazing!!!

What’s so hard about asking for help? What are we afraid of? Are we scared that we’ll seem less than together? That there will be an imbalance of power? Have we put people in our lives that even want to take the time to pay attention to us?

Someone taught me that asking for help was giving the helper a gift. When you give someone else the opportunity to provide you with a helping hand in some way, you are giving them an opportunity to give back to you in a way that gives them pleasure, increases their level of self-worth and allows them to share themselves with you. Once I came to that realization (likely, while I was on the bathroom floor), my fears of asking for help melted away.

So, I admit that I’m tired. There’s a lot going on in my world right now. And, it was nice to have someone take care of me for once. I also want to remind all of you that you don’t have to do it all, all the time. That it’s ok to ask for a hand, for support, for a night out with friends, for a few hours without kids, a weekend away … whatever. Sometimes, we just can’t take care of one more crisis and we just need someone to take care of us. It’s ok. It’s life. 🙂

Have an amazing weekend!

For those of you with children (regardless of the sex) this statement is powerfully important.  Actually, it’s as important for those of us (likely all of us) who live with daily feelings of inadequacy.

A few days before her Oscar win, Lupita Nyong’o gave a speech at the annual Black Women in Hollywood Luncheon.  A friend sent me the link and while I don’t often listen to those things, I felt compelled to do so.  After all, I have a teenage daughter who wonders about her beauty and two teenage boys who are making decisions about who and what looks beautiful to them.  And, I need all the verbal ammunition I can get!  So, I hit play and listened.

Lupita talked about being black.  I mean so dark-skinned that she really didn’t know how she fit in to the white world – she simply felt inadequate.  And, even after Alek Wek began modeling (if you don’t know who she is, google her … ) and was on the covers of all the major fashion magazines, she still was not sure that she too could be beautiful.

Then, her mother said to her, “You can’t eat beauty.  It doesn’t feed you.”

Of course, there’s the obvious meaning in that statement …  you can’t buy beauty, you can’t steal beauty and you can’t get beautiful by what you eat or drink.  But, what her mother really meant was you can not rely on beauty to sustain you.

What sustains us is compassion for ourselves and those around us. That is beauty.

We all feel inadequate at times in our lives.  Sometimes for days, weeks, months at a time.   We are often trying to look better, younger, thinner – just different … as if that will make us “beautiful.”

But the trick here for us, and our children, is to get to the deeper business of feeling beautiful inside and finding that same beauty in others.  To continually remind ourselves that we are beautiful.  As I once wrote – We are enough.

Beauty is something we learn.  It’s not what we are, but who we are.
Beauty is learning about ourselves, being proud of who we are and allowing ourselves to be just as we are supposed to be.

I think we can all agree that our most favorite people are not all the same size, color, shape or even sex.  No.  The people we value the most are the ones who open their heart to us and then share it with the world.

I think that is all of you.  Let’s remind our kids and ourselves of this today.

Have an amazing day!  XOXO

This is a great song by 10cc (am I showing my age again?!) and a truthful one because we really do funny things for love, don’t we?  It doesn’t matter if it’s our kids, our partner or our family … we will go out of our way, inconvenience ourselves, sometimes even do things we really don’t want to do, to make those we love happy.

Love is both an emotion and a relationship. It bonds friends, siblings, parents and children, and romantic partners together with feelings of loyalty and affection. And, the strength of this emotion will cause people to do some really wonderful things and some really terrible things – all in the name of love.

One of the great, but scary, things about love it is takes us out of our comfort zone.  We will often do and try things we would not have done other wise.  I once went parasailing with a guy when I hate heights!  I thought it would impress him but it really didn’t because I threw up when I got my feet on the ground!

Love also forces us to make changes that we might not have wanted to make.  I’m doing that now for one of my children.  I found I was reacting to him differently than the others and so I’m intentionally (and quietly) making adjustments in my not-so-perfect self to make things work better for him.  There isn’t a one-size-fits-all kid, parent or way to love them.

We often hurt those we love … which seems odd but true.   We use harsher words or actions, we’re not afraid to forget something about our loved ones but we never allow ourselves to forget at work.  Yet, the good news is that when we do hurt our loved ones, we can say “I’m sorry” and try to make it better (and not do it again!).   My kids and I have sent many morning text messages to each other apologizing for something that happened before they left (thank goodness for technology and intellectual honesty!).

There’s no question that we make sacrifices for those they love — some are small and others, huge.  We work hard to provide for our children, we drive for hours and hours to get them places.  We neglect hobbies for our partners, we let go of bad habits (sometimes!), and the list goes on.

My point today is just that love is so amazingly huge.  It encompasses everything we do.  It is the best thing going and often the most painful emotion we will experience.  Yet, that 3 second smile or touch from someone after expressing our love … well there is absolutely nothing better!  Try paying attention to the love you give out today – and what you get back.  I’m certain it will put a smile on your face.

Have a great one (it’s above zero!!!!).

On Saturday I was getting my car washed and as I was waiting for it a man next to me commented on my clothing (I was wearing a GB Packer sweatshirt!).  We exchanged some friendly jabs about our opposing teams and as I left to get my car he reached toward me, touched my shoulder and said, “Have a great day, hon.”

I suppose this is a normal thing to say to someone, “Have a great day,” but this guy didn’t know me (other than I was a GB fan) and yet he added a farewell that sounded as if we knew each other and he sounded like he really meant it.

I started to think about how many times I say or hear this statement and how many times it’s a throwaway phrase.  Maybe you say it at the end of a transaction or conversation.  Maybe in response to someone else saying it to you.  We are so “nice” here in Minnesota, we don’t like to leave a conversation without acknowledging, “You too!”   I think it’s become quite rote.

When we say these words, is it just lip service or do we really mean it?  Are we on to the next thing or do we want the person to know that we care very much about the rest of their day?

What if we made a point of really meaning it?  What might it feel like to a stranger when we look them in the eyes and really tell them we hope they have a fantastic day?  I mean everyone from cashiers to the guy holding the door to the person bagging our groceries.  Imagine taking these interactions seriously.  With meaning.

Look, we really don’t know anything about a the barista’s day or the person servicing us at the drive through?  Maybe they woke up with worries and frustrations?  Maybe something rough is going on for them.  Maybe wishing them a good day – with real meaning, purpose and intention – will change the course of their day.   The guy at the car wash did that to me.  He changed my day.

I know, this is Jessica’s humanitarian, half-full sort of existence.  Maybe a bit pollyanish.  But, think how easy it is to do.  Think how wonderful for our kids to learn and understand the importance of these words.  And, think how a few seconds can be so powerful.

I think my trip to the car wash was life changing.

(I say this with my eyes on you … ) Have a wonderful day!

Yesterday I went to the health club and my shirt was inside out.  Sometimes it’s not obvious, this time was totally obvious.  In fact, I actually had a big white tag flopping off the side of my shirt.  How is it that no one said anything to me?  Not even my daughter who went with me?

I can’t tell you how many strangers I’ve told that their zipper is down (now as I write this I wonder if you wonder how it is I see all these zippers … no response is necessary). Or how many times I’ve tucked a woman’s tag in behind her in the line at Caribou.

Most times my inside out item is invisible to the naked eye (you know what I’m talking about here!).  Tuesday, it was my skirt!  Really, Jessica … your skirt???  Thankfully, I caught the error when my first stop at work was the restroom! What does this mean?  Am I getting old(er) – (yes!)?  Do I have too much on my mind – (likely!)?

I hate to admit it, but there are a few other things I’ve noticed lately, aside from my inability to remember how to dress.  Most of them make me think this is an age-related disability.  For example, I’ve noticed that some of the people I now work with were born the year I went to college and they have no idea what a pay phone is.  A few weeks ago I went to a work function and I was the oldest person there … really … the oldest!  Last week, when I went to Target to pick up a prescription, not only did I know the name of my pharmacist and how many kids she has, but she knew me!  Since when did I spend so much time at Target getting things “filled” that she would remember me???

Here’s one I hate to admit: The other day, I looked for my glasses for 10 minutes only to find them in my hands.  Yup, that was kind of embarrassing!  And, as if that weren’t enough, my kids now tease me that the weather channel on TV and my radio (both of which I love to listen to) are really MTV stations for old people!  At least I knew what MTV was!

I’m not going anywhere with this, other than the obvious fact that I’m getting older and to put out the following request: Please tell me next time you see food stuck in my teeth, a tag hanging out of my sweater or if I’m wearing two different black boots to work.  Hey, we’ve gotta be on the same team here!

Have a really fun weekend!

Yesterday was a pretty bad day, in almost all areas of my life.  Sometimes that happens.  It started by my dropping an entire glass of chocolate milk on the floor (and all over the cabinets, wall, etc.) and progressed from there.  By the end of the day, I was so mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted that I almost couldn’t see.

When I woke up this morning I wondered what I was going to write about.  Then, as I sat there in the quiet of my room, I heard the words of a friend, who yesterday said to me, “You are not taking care of you.”

Now, while I did hear those words when he said them to me, I blew them off.  Sure, I’m busy but I do take care of myself.  I work out, do triathlons, I eat well, I drink lots of water, I spend time with amazing people, I love my work, my family, my children.  Where am I not taking care of myself?  Life is good, right?

But, this morning, I realized that I’ve lived 50+ years without knowing what it really means to love and take care of myself. Maybe that’s some of you too.

I’m good at playing the resilience card.  I can find a fix for almost anything.  My mantra has been: “I’m fine. I’m taking care of myself.”  But maybe that’s not completely true.  Sure, I’m taking care of the outside, but am I paying attention to my inner self?  Am I connected to at least one moment of my self each day?  And, what does that even mean?

Here’s what came from my brain to the paper just now.  I’m not sure if it even makes sense but maybe we can try it:

• Let’s wake up each day, connected to who we are, inside and out.  Even if we just take three seconds to do so. It will be conscious.
• Let’s focus on being with our life instead of an observer, trying to get it all done.  
• Let’s start acknowledging our accomplishments instead of rushing to the next best thing or ignoring the feelings of when it just doesn’t go right. And, sometimes it just doesn’t go right.
• Let’s practice saying “no” to those things that don’t serve our values or goals and saying yes to those that do.
• Let’s (try) to stop replaying the past and the worries we’ve created for the future.

When we take the time to ground ourselves in the present and make mental space to find clarity, this is taking care of us.  And, maybe this is just for a short blink each day.  But, when we are connected, I have a feeling that those “bad” days can then just be acknowledged, respected and we can move on. Or, maybe the bad day will simply serve as a reminder to reconnect with ourselves … 🙂

Have a wonderful day!

 

I got the honor of celebrating with one of my former colleagues yesterday, who had finally finished his chemo treatments.  It’s been a bit less than a year. He was 40 when he was diagnosed.  This blog is not about the pain and sickness from his last year – but his life.  No, really our lives.

In the blink, and I mean a blink, the “comfort” of our lives can change.  The single words from a doctor, “It’s cancerous,” to “You’re fired,” to “It was a terrible accident and he’s gone.”  It all is life changing.  And, as we know, the unexpected can be expected to happen.  How do we prepare?  How do we get through life with the inevitable changes?

I was talking to my best friend this morning about some upcoming changes.  I was crying (of course!) and he said, something good will come from what we are about to experience.  He reminded me that these “new” experiences, will be some that we would not have had if we had remained in the “comfort” of our lives. So true – but, being mortal, it’s still difficult.

While my former colleague’s life will be changed forever by his diagnosis, mine may not.  Yes, I can say I will remember how short and precious it all is … but I too will get caught up in the s*** of raising my teenagers, my work and all the rest.

But, for today, I want to live in the moment – not the future.  I want to appreciate his journey.  I want to know that if it were my journey, I would get through it too. I want to at least have this one day, where I remember how amazing it is to have this particular life – with all its crazy ups and downs.

As I was walking to the celebration yesterday, I stopped to buy flowers.  As I was paying (and chatting, of course), the man at the shop told me the story of his partner’s fight through cancer.  He started to cry as he shared it with me and then – in an amazing twist – he came around the corner, hugged me and thanked me for reminding him how precious TODAY is.  WOW!  I think I was the lucky one there.

So, to my former colleague: I love the way in which you moved through this year.  I appreciate you allowing me to experience a portion of it.  And, I can’t wait to meet you on the next 10 mile race course.

Until then, everyone, let’s just appreciate today.  That’s all.  Just enjoy today.

XO

 

I know I’ve brought this up before, but after spending 55 minutes in the pool yesterday brooding about things over which I have no control (and not really having the mind-clearing swim I was hoping for), I decided that this topic was worth another blog (or 137 more blogs):

I have issues with control.

I use a lot of perfectly good energy trying to plan, predict, and prevent things that I cannot plan, predict, or prevent. For example, I worry about how my kids are going to do in school or whether they are getting enough down time. I think about my work, will I ever get another client again (ok, I know every lawyer worries about that!) or will I win that motion? I analyze the weather a lot. In other words, I spend a lot of time in business that’s not mine. The kids’ business, Mother Nature’s business … and the judge’s business!

I believe that we try to control things because we think something bad will happen if we don’t (that’s good ole’ fear talking).  And, I believe we try to control things because we think we know the best outcome (that’s a big ego statement!) .  The truth is that we never know the “best” outcome and frankly, we have to trust we will be ok no matter what the outcome is. The irony of controlling things is that we actually feel less in control when we are obsessing or trying to micro-manage a situation.

Remember, control freaks want to manage before something happens rather than dealing with life after it happens!

I once found this example, which really seemed to fit for me: “When I become aware that I’m in control mode, I imagine that I’m in a small canoe paddling upstream, against the current. It’s hard. It’s a fight. When I choose to let go and surrender, I visualize the boat turning around, me dropping the oars, and gently floating downstream.”

Right now I’ve got a friend who has completely shut himself off from me. It’s hard because I want to help, support, just be there. But, that’s how he manages his problems.  And, I have to let go and understand that each person makes his/her own choices – even choices that hurt others.  But, no matter how painful it might be, I have to let go, because I have no control over how someone wants to treat me …

I only have control over my own feelings and emotions.

This is my big life lesson.

I do believe that the universe is here to support me and the ones I love. And, because of that I should focus on my own feelings and emotions and trust that no matter what happens, I will be able to a manage anything that comes my way.

So, I’m going to continue to work at letting go. To focus my energy on the beauty of life and the amazing people in it. Somehow, life will unfold as it should … even without my fingers in the pot!

Have a really fantastic day!

A person very close to me is going through some incredibly tough times.  I’ve struggled of late, trying to separate out my own fears and being there as a strong friend and supporter.  At first I kept thinking, “Why is this happening?”  Then, I started to examine my own responses and realized that I was more focused on how it was affecting me.  Sometimes I (maybe we?) can totally miss the boat!

So, my question is: “How should I respond and what should I do when someone tells me sad news?”  Here’s my “direction” to myself:

First: Stop talking and listen. Then listen more.  Actually, I’m just going to shut my mouth totally!

Second: Believe their feelings.  Don’t ask too many questions.  If there’s a story, just trust the facts.  The more the person trusts me the more likely they are to tell me the whole truth.  I can’t expect someone who is in the middle of a bad situation to have a perfect perspective or be logical in a way that satisfies me.  Assume that this is not about me (and don’t make it that way).

Third: Say something like “I’m so sorry you are going through that – it’s terrible”  And then ask, “How are you going to handle this?” or “What are you going to do next.”  Then listen again.  Maybe they don’t know what to do next.  That’s ok.  Don’t tell them what to do unless they actually ask for help!  They want an ear, not a solver of their problems.  Remind them that you can be a good distraction too!

I’ve had my own fair share of not-so-good experiences.  And, I’ve often wondered if these problems then define who I am .  But let’s be honest – there is no way we have to be defined by the “things” that happen to us.   Nor should we allow ourselves to be defined by our childhood or the mistakes we make along the way.

We create the definition of who we are.

We are defined by how we handle our lives, our past experiences and our present mistakes.  We are defined by how we treat others in our time of need and how we emerge from life’s challenges and how we grow from it all.  

So, my friend, I am so sorry this is happening.  But, you are the essence of grace and strength.  You are resolute that you will come through this with a more beautiful perspective on life than ever before.  And, I agree.  I’m looking forward to being a part of the whole (sometimes painful) process.

XO

Have a wonderful weekend everyone!

 

I recently got together with a woman regarding a project I want to start and at some point, she told me that her parents were too busy to give her a middle name.  For some reason, this seemed important to me (and it seemed she wanted to share some things) so I began to listen.

Her parents were both professionals.  They didn’t have much time for kids but felt obligated to have a few.  Her parents never asked how school was going.  She learned that the only way to get attention was to be perfect … but she admitted that even that wasn’t enough.  Her parents never spent any time with her as a young adult.  Never visited her in college and when they died, my friend felt a sense of relief — she no longer had to work so hard to have parents.

I often wonder what my children will take from their childhood.  The crazy italian behaviors I have?  The dancing in the kitchen, shower, grocery store or movie theatre?  Will they think that I was working too hard to make ends meet?  Will they feel worried about money?  Will they feel the total love and openness (to a fault) that I base my life on?  Will they do good in the world where I couldn’t?

I have another friend whose childhood was also really tough, yet he’s learned to look at it, understand that some of his behaviors come from that time and he’s become a very different person and partner than his parents.

In listening the other night, I found a commonality that I couldn’t ignore:

Both my friends found people in their lives to use as role models.  Sure, they weren’t their parents, but it doesn’t matter.  What matters is that learned, by watching others, how to have grace, joy and love in their lives.

My friends found causes bigger than themselves.  They invested their lives in helping others and in turn, that’s helped them grow as people and as partners.  They also both intentionally set their sights on building chains of days filled with compassion and grace.

As I was driving home I felt two things. First, I was thankful for my childhood (as wacky as it was) because it made me who I am today. Second, I felt sad that so many people are not like my friends. They never figure out how to find that love or “fix” that childhood and they end up doing things that have horrible, horrible results.

How can we ignore that there is nothing more precious and important than figuring out how to help our (collective “our”) children?  How can we help those blank slates, find that which many of us know in our hearts — that there is love for all of us and we can all fit in?  I’m not sure of the answer, but now it’s on my mind …

I hope you all have a wonderful day!