theyearsafter50

I told someone recently that I wanted to practice forgiveness but wanted to do it quietly with nothing in return.  The response I got was “That’s nice but not realistic.”  I don’t believe that analysis – it seems negative and short-sighted.  We can and should be able to forgive with no strings attached.

Nearly everyone has been hurt by the actions or words of another. These wounds leave lasting feelings of anger and bitterness.  I get that.  But it seems to me that the only thing we can take with us when we leave is love.  And if we can’t find forgiveness for someone, we can’t leave with love … instead we leave with anger. I believe that those who hang on to that anger are the ones who pay most dearly.

Forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge. The act that hurt or offended us might always remain a part of our lives, but forgiveness can lessen that anger grip and help us focus on other more positive parts of our lives – with or without the person who hurt us. Forgiveness can lead to feelings of compassion and understanding for the one who hurt us.  It lets us move forward with our lives without the energy-sapping emotion of anger.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you deny the other person’s responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn’t minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act.

I needed this reminder.  The paradox of our time in history:

We have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We’ve learned how to make a living, but not a life. We’ve added years to life not life to years. We’ve been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We’ve done larger things, but not better things.

We’ve cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We’ve conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We’ve learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.

Remember to spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn’t cost a cent.

Remember, to say, ‘I love you’ to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again …

George Carlin

Have a great start to your weekend.

I’ve often said that being pregnant is a disability in and of itself (the same thing I say about menopause).  And, I suppose that there is some truth to that.    Certainly that was true when I was pregnant with two!

Today I was out running (clearly I am not currently in Minnesota right now!) and there were a lot of people walking on the street.  I had to constantly move from the sidewalk, to the street and back again.  At one point there was a pregnant woman with what appeared to be her mother and her father pushing a stroller with a young child.

As I got closer, I hopped off into the street but an oncoming car caused me to jump back to the sidewalk quite quickly and pretty close to the woman who was pregnant.

I got only a few steps past her when she started yelling at me, calling me a “running freak” (well, that was fairly accurate!) and telling me to watch where the f*** I was going.  Yup. Them’s fighting words.  So, I had to stop.  How could I let that one go by?

“Hey,” she said.  “Why didn’t you go on to the road?”  “I did,” I responded.  “Well, she stammered, “Why didn’t you say excuse me or sorry?”  “I did,” I said.  Then, just before she could tag me with yet another accusation, I said:

“Listen, I’ve got three of those things. Two came out at one time.  And I get how easy it is to feel tired and overwhelmed.  But, being pregnant does not give you the right to be cranky at with me when I was doing everything possible to be deferential to you.”  I looked at her father, who had a smirk on his face … as if knowing that the f*** I was talking about!   I turned back to her and quickly said, “Sorry again and I hope you have a happy 2014!”  And, then I smiled and took off to finish my run.

Sometimes I wonder if people like her really hear what’s coming out of their mouths and out into the universe.  I kind of doubt it.  And, I guess I didn’t really say it to change anything.  It was just my way of reminding myself and anyone who was listening, that no matter what, no matter how nasty or negative someone is toward you, the best course of action is to find a positive response.

Have a warm night everyone!

I am not one for New Year’s resolutions.  I don’t know why.  Maybe I’m afraid of failure.  Of not meeting my “goals” for the year.   I’ve typically avoided the topic and when asked, I smile and say, “To make it to next year.”

What’s my problem?  I make lists, so why not resolutions?  It’s the same principle.  Plan something, do it and cross it off the list.  But, this year, I thought I wanted to have a resolution.  One thing on my “list” — being a more patient mom and in particular with one of my sons.

This son has a lot of my traits. He looks like me.  Is emotional like me.  Can swear (almost) like me.  And, is passionate like me.  He will always put others first … sometimes to his own detriment.  Case in point:  Recently, my ex got two tickets to the Packers/Vikings game in GB.  He could only take one of the boys.  Before my ex could even get the notion out of his mouth, this son abdicated any right to the ticket and suggested his brother.  He really is so generous.

But, we clash.  Maybe because we are so alike. He has no room or margin for error, either for himself or for me.  I too quickly lose my mojo when he’s upset and we are off to the races.

A few weeks back we talked and I said, “Look, I want to be a more patient mom to you.”  He grunted, “You give us a roof, food and send us to Blake.  That seems like enough.”  “Yes, I suppose,”  I said.  “But I want to stop losing it with you.  Instead, I want to keep my cool when you are losing it with me!”  He looked at me, smiled, and said he wanted to do better at that too.  There it was … my New Year’s resolution.   Yet, as would be the case for most resolutions — we couldn’t even keep our “promise” from the date of our conversation until December 31, 2013!

Here’s my take.  Life is messy.  Parenting is messy.  I can try to be a more patient mom and sometimes that will happen and sometimes it won’t.  I can’t beat myself up about it.  And, I shouldn’t make that a goal for the year.  It should just be a work in progress every day that I am fortunate enough to be his mother.  I guess that’s been my take on the resolution thing as well.  We should always be striving to exercise, love our partner, ignore the stupid stuff that bugs us, hug people more and laugh out loud.  Who needs a list when life is right in front of us?

So, welcome 2014.  I’m not sure the universe even noticed the change but at least it gives us a chance to pause, breath and keep moving forward.

Cheers to a happy and healthy new year!

I’ve had some things change in my life recently.  Some good and some difficult.  I’ve tried to focus on one mantra – “thank you.”  I’ve decided it’s the single most powerful thing I can do in my life – be thankful for what I have.

Don’t you think it’s true, that the more grateful you are the more you have to be grateful for?  The more that will come you way to remind you how thankful you can be?

What do I want in my lifetime?  When I ask this question, I pause.  What do I want?  I want grandkids someday.  I want my family and loved ones to have peace, happiness and good health.  But, I really don’t need much.  I am grateful for what I have – as little as that might be on any particular day.

This life, my experiences, are a miracle.  And, this miracle of my life and my gratefulness can turn the darkness of my life into light.  It can change fear into security.  Really, the source of my happiness is based on being grateful.  It’s one big circle.

So, today (as every day), take stock of what you are grateful for.  The love of those around you.  Your breath.  Your heartbeat.  All those things that just happen to you because you are you.

Enjoy the start of this new year.  It’s just another day to be thankful.

XO

Teenagers (and many adults) hate to admit that something’s their fault. I’ve heard things like, “I don’t know where my clothes disappeared to? Maybe they got lost in the wash.” Or, I don’t know why you didn’t remember that I told you I needed 36 hard-boiled eggs to take to school this morning!” Often, when something goes wrong, it’s difficult to take ownership of the problem.

But, I don’t want to stop there. While I see a lot of the above “excuses,” the harder thing is taking the next step to resolving issues such as these. It really is not that difficult to finally admit to your partner, boss or child, “Ok, I guess that was my fault.” It’s the next step that’s the problem.

Really, it doesn’t matter as much to me if someone takes responsibility or not if they don’t do anything to fix the problem in the future. It’s like the book where the kid says “sorry” a million times but nothing ever changes. On the last page his mom says, “It’s not enough to say you are sorry all the time. You have to make a change so that you don’t need to keep saying sorry for the same thing.” In other words, we have to do everything we can to make sure the problem doesn’t happen again.

This is critical in relationships. Why? Because it’s the place we take the most for granted. It’s the place where we know the person (or hope) will forgive us “no matter what.” But is that the way to live? Shouldn’t we learn to take ownership, fix the problem and make sure it doesn’t happen again?

This same thing is true for me in business. I love working with people who can admit if something is their fault and then figure out how to fix it the next time (I hope I’m the same way!). Those are the people you like to be with!

I really see this as one of my life’s adventures. One of its challenges. To figure out how I can solve the problems that arise because of me and make adjustments so that I don’t continue to see recurring themes in my life. So that I actually can get to my next “mistake” and do the same problem solving and adjustment.

My wish for all of you is that same kind of reflective look at how problems are solved in your life. The truth is, we can only hold the flashlight for ourselves. We can’t force our partners or loved ones to do the same. But we can push ourselves to experience personal changes – both with inward and outward growth.

Have a wonderful (and warm) day!

Lately, I’ve been thinking about the law of attraction and it’s power (if any) on our lives.  I think we (read – me) sometimes misinterpret this idea.  We think it’s like a magnet.  We think that if we take our dreams and desires and throw them out there, we will find the right mate, the right job, or even happiness.  But a friend reminded me recently to think about it this way, “It’s like the law of gravity,” he said.  “It isn’t selective. It pulls everything in, the good and the not-so good.”

Don’t you think that’s the same with the law of attraction?  If we don’t focus on ourselves, our internal compass, we may attract what we want and likely also what we don’t want.

I once read an article by Deepak Chopra which said that it is the “law of reflection” which one should really focus on and that focus will bring what we really want to attract.   The law of reflection states that the whole situation around you is you.  And, it’s your reflection back that allows you to be more self-aware and clearer about your own needs.  Then, and only then, can the law of attraction really work.

Whether or not you believe in this power of the universe, there is scientific research that proves the effects of positive thinking.  And, I guess that’s what I’m talking about.   The idea is that when we think, when we speak, we draw in, we attract, those ideas and people who reflect those thoughts.  For example, I think negativity can keep us from obtaining the things we want in life.  It just brings more negativity.

Positive affirmations don’t work over night but as we begin to look at the world and the things that happen to us in that positive light (even those things that feel really bad), things will start to shift and change for us.  I think we will then attract that which we want to fulfill our time here.

Let’s transform our lives by staying positive, by feeling good about ourselves.  Love yourself.  Love life.  It really does want to love you back!

I hope you all have a wonderful mid-holiday weekend!

It was a typical Christmas here at the Roe house.  We opened gifts, I made my special french toast and we hung out until about noon (well, actually my daughter was gracious enough to take a run with me in the morning … thanks hon!).  After my kids left to hang with their Dad, it was time for the Jewish part of the program.

My father and I traditionally go to a movie and Chinese on Christmas.  I used to think this was just a Jewish thing … that everyone else stayed home, ate, played cards, ate and watched TV.  Clearly, based on our experience yesterday, Jews are not the only ones escaping on Christmas!

The line at the movie theatre (chose the Cohen bros. movie — figured that was fitting) was 1/4 a block long!  While we were freezing in line, I began to look at the people around me?  Were they Jewish?  I didn’t think so.  It was only 2:00.  Why weren’t they in the middle of a game of Monopoly?  Eating their second meal?  Instead, the theatre was packed with an assortment of people and we were shoved into the last few seats in the theatre!

We took a break mid-day and decided to meet up for Chinese food around 6:30.  Sounded reasonable.  NOT.  The place was packed! Many people of Asian descent, (ok, makes sense), some Jews and a lot of non-Jews.  What’s happening??? We were there two hours from start to finish.

We did meet an interesting 85-year-old guy, who could barely speak english.  He was able to tell us Happy New Year and to let us know that his wife was 83, that he had 19 children and over 20 grandchildren!  Many of them were there having dinner with him (hence, the reason our food took so unbelievably long!).  He seemed excited to have everyone there and to be celebrating the event.  Gosh, hard to complain about our delay after seeing the joy on his face.

I think next year we should do the non-Jewish thing and stay home, make a ham, open gifts and play Monopoly.  Maybe the Christians want a turn at our holiday fun!!  We could even trade-off even and odd years. That way, we never have to wait too long for our tickets or our fantastically fresh and hot Chinese food.  Win-win!

Hope you have a not-too-groggy day back at work!

Last night it was me out shopping at the mall (I had purchased nothing for Christmas, as of last night) and all the guys who still needed to purchase that special something for that special someone. That’s fine. No one was bothering me. Then, at the end of the night I was scheduled to meet a friend at a local bar for drinks and some food. When I got there, she called and said that she had a kid emergency and couldn’t make it. I had no intention of leaving my almost full glass of wine so I ordered some food and turned to watch the TV. Here’s the disadvantage to being a single (woman) in a bar:

Person 1 (guy): “Why are you here all by yourself on a cold winter night?” (Really, you are going to use that one?). “Can I buy you a drink, some food, a trip to Hawaii?” (These people are still out there?) I made up an excuse for a phone call. Geeze!

Person 2 (guy): “You look familiar, do I know you from somewhere?” (seriously, this is a different guy??!!) “Are you a lawyer?” (OMG – I hate when people ask that question!). Turns out, I had a case against him early in my career (won) and we went to law school together (never even remembered the guy). His wife served divorce papers on him last week and he was having a hard time managing his emotions. He cried sitting next to me until my food came and my phone rang for real!

Person 3 (woman – bartender): She was so interesting: Working her way through graduate school, single and makes the most money behind the bar. She told me that the men who come in are obvious but the women who come in to meet someone at the bar are the loneliest ones. That made me feel sad for them. Then, I realized that I better eat quickly and get the hell out of dodge!

Person 4: Me. It was great people watching but one thing I realized as I sat there, is that I am a single at times. Not too often, but enough to take in my surroundings without the filter of someone else. To some that might be a disadvantage. To me, I learn as much about others as I do about the uncomfortableness of being by myself.

It’s not easy to be alone. We surround ourselves with people, often to drown out the noise of our own fears. Sometimes, it’s good to be alone. So, last night, over that last sip of wine, I made a point of appreciating my being alone for that all so brief moment. It really was enjoyable, not scary!

So, with that I hope you all have a great holiday tomorrow! For the Jews reading this … My dad and I will see you at the movie and for Chinese!

This weekend we (my kids and my sister’s family) went up to Lutsen for the weekend.  We had odd numbers so I often rode the chairlift myself – a single.  Being a single, has its advantages, such as meeting some interesting on the chair lift:

Person 1: He was there with his son, who was in a ski race.  Turns out that he knew my boys from baseball.  He told me that his wife had died recently and baseball was what brought he and his son closer together during that period of time.  In one ride, my dislike of baseball was changed.

Person 2: Wife (30’s) from St. Paul. Her husband was skiing on another hill.  They didn’t have any children – she was pregnant with her first.  They tried for 4 years and almost gave up.  It reminded me of my infertility days.  I silently prayed for this one to work for her.  I know the pain.

Person 3: Ski Patrol.  He was a retired firefighter.  He said he went from a hot job to a cold (bet he’s said that a million times!).  He said all four of his toes on his right foot are frost bit (he lost one already).  I said, fun is fun but the point of getting more frost bite is … ?  Some people’s addictions!

Person 4: A woman in her 60s.  It was her first time skiing.  He husband is an avid skier and she’s made a deal with herself to find more things to do with him that he likes!  So, since skiing was his favorite, she decided it was a great first start.  She said her husband was thrilled and it felt like a new start for them (they almost got divorced a few years back, after the kids left the house).  That was a heartwarming story (but not enough to warm my toes, which were frozen!).

Person 5: Me.  I rode with myself twice.  I tried to get to know myself.  I took a number of deep breaths.  I learned that I don’t take enough time to listen to nothing but my breath.  Not that my breath is interesting, but the things that come from nothing are something.  Know what I mean?

So my challenge (maybe yours too) is to take time during this holiday season to get to know yourself.  To find a quiet moment … even if in the chaos, to hear the voice in your mind and enjoy the moments.  They will be over before we know it and it will be back to our old routine again!

Have a great day!