theyearsafter50

Here’s the funny thing about life:  We often run from the things we should remain present for and we remain in the things we should run from.  A few months ago a friend said to me, “Stop running, Jess.  It’s right in front of you.  It’s inside you.”

For a long time, I used running as a way to avoid the things I really needed to focus on.  My mom’s diagnosed with brain cancer?  I put on my running shoes and go for a two-hour run.  My marriage’s falling apart?  I run my first marathon.  It was my escape. We all have them:  Food, alcohol, shopping, sex — maybe better than some other escapes (or not), but escapes nonetheless.

I got tired of running.  Not literally, but figuratively.  That’s the thing about running, we eventually get tired.  We go to therapy. We buy self-help books.  We talk to people or sometimes we don’t.  We are constantly looking for that “thing.”  The change in our life that will give us the internal peace we’re looking for.  It’s almost laughable — we’re running from that which is right inside of us.

I’ve decided that staying present at times of conflict (internal and external), those times of insecurity and fear – is the only way to learn from our experiences rather than experiencing Groundhog’s Day over and over again with the same issue, the same person, the same unhappy place.

For a long time I ran from my fears, my instincts and feelings by not leaving a very bad situation.  It was running but it didn’t look like running.  Know what I mean?  During that time, I was even afraid to listen to one of my favorite songs because it scared me that I’d never get there.

I’m not running anymore.  It won’t bring me happiness.  And, I’m no longer afraid to listen my song because I can finally see that what I need to feel peaceful and happy is right inside me.

I’m not suggesting that every day is magical and wonderful.  But, I am saying that if we gave the same love and compassion to ourselves that we give to others, we might not need much else.  So, stop running from your fears.  You really have only created them yourself.  When you really listen to that tape, you’ll realize there’s nothing to run from.

Here’s the thing about internal peace – the path is right in front of you.  Don’t run from it, access it.

My song is the link below.  I hope you enjoy it.  Have an amazing weekend! XOXO

We’re often faced with a variety of people in our lives – and that’s great.  I love having open dialogues, being transparent and having respectful (key word) disagreements – where I can learn something new. Unfortunately, there’s nothing we can do about those passive-aggressive (P/A) people who hid behind the mask of the smiling “it’s fine” or acting like what we say is worthy, when they really don’t feel it is.  I’ve got a couple in my life right now.

In their own minds, the P/A person believes they are really nice, easy to please, everybody likes them, they’re hard workers and always willing to help.  Sounds easy to get along with, right?  But these people are personal and professional martyrs.  They are not transparent, genuine or honest — with themselves or us.  It’s frustrating and often hurtful.

P/As love to give of themselves. Yet, if you know one, their giving comes at a price; If they do something for you, they expect and demand the same in return or they will remind you how much they gave up for you.

I used to say that P/A behavior was negative (we often see the same behavior in narcissist people – which can be very dangerous), but I’m trying to look at this differently.  Although I’m really not going to allow these people to be front and center in my life, I can see that they (sadly) live their lives behind a mask.  A mask of fear and insecurity – that we’ll see what they truly are like, and we’ll leave or reject them.

First let me say, I’m thankful I don’t have that mask and that those people I now surround myself with don’t have them either.  I’m also thankful for the opportunity to feel compassion for those that I know that are P/A.  I want to try and focus on how fragile they must feel inside – how scared.  I’m not perfect (totally not perfect!), and I often get frustrated with these people and allow their behavior to color how I feel about them.  But, for the most part, I’m trying to be more compassionate.

So, in this cold period of the year, when we have a tendency to be a bit quick-tempered and just plain tired of the cold, lets use our positive energy toward people we know are too afraid to be transparent and open.  Lets allow all negative comments flow off us like water over stone.  I get that this simile means that if it goes on too long, the water will eventually wear us down, and we might have to leave.  But maybe our love and positive energy will change one person – or at least help them see that we’re more likely to love them without the mask.

Have a great day today!

I helped someone with something this week and he thanked me for my efforts. It wasn’t a regular thank you.  And, it wasn’t a thank you where you know the person really only said it so you’d do more.  No, it was a deep down thank you with him looking right into my eyes.  I wasn’t sure what to do with it.

We all know the simple act of saying “thank you” can make a big difference to both parties.  Just taking a minute out of your life to tell someone why you’re grateful for them, costs so little and means so much.

When I meditate (this is totally a work in progress), the only way I can sustain it is to focus on thanking people.  First, I thank my loved ones, for all they do for me. I thank strangers who’ve shown me little acts of kindness. I say I’m thankful for my life, the challenges, pain and joys.  I thank all of you for reading my blog.  And, I thank myself because it’s important to recognize our life and accomplishments.

Two days after the “thank you,”  I ran into this person again.  I told him about my feelings when he thanked me.  He smiled and told me that he tries to live a life of gratitude.  He said, “It’s so easy and you really can do it every day.”

First, before he gets out of bed, he simply says “thank you,” to whoever or whatever allowed him to have another day.  He makes a point of thanking people for things, when he can really mean it – not just because he thinks he should say it.  He also tells people exactly why he’s grateful.  He even sends notes to people to thank them (he said email is totally fine too — it’s 2015 after all!).  He always looks people in the eyes when he says it!

He then wrote down his “thankful prayer,” which he says every night – and sometimes out loud to his wife (how wonderful!).  It’s so beautiful I wanted to share it with you:

Be thankful that you don’t already have everything you desire,
If you did, what would there be to look forward to?

Be thankful when you don’t know something
For it gives you the opportunity to learn.

Be thankful for your limitations
Because they give you opportunities for improvement.

Be thankful for each new challenge
Because it will build your strength and character.

Be thankful for your mistakes
They will teach you valuable lessons.

Be thankful when you’re tired and weary
Because it means you’ve made a difference.

A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who are
also thankful for the setbacks.

Find a way to be thankful for your troubles
and they can become your blessings.

~ Author Unknown ~

I am so grateful I had the opportunity to help him this week.  I was the lucky one there!

Have a wonderful weekend!

I was recently feeling frustrated about a situation and told a friend that I couldn’t imagine why I had to have this particular experience.  She said, “You?  Ms. Enlightenment?  You always see the lesson … Think about it for a minute!”  (S***!  I hate it when my friends call me on stuff!)

Experiences are wonderful — when they’re wonderful experiences.  But when they’re not, we know (maybe not emotionally, but intellectually we know), that some valuable lesson(s) will come out of it.

But here’s the thing:  it’s the actual learning how to learn from these experiences that’s the most difficult part of life.

I remember as a kid, quietly pulling a chair to the stove to look at something and falling forward and burning my hands.  That was a lesson I learned pretty quickly!  Or, for those of you with boys, remember learning how to quickly put the diaper back on their *** before you got sprayed??  I only needed that to happen once.  Plus, I’ve had some really cool lessons about keeping my eyes open and experiencing amazing people (strangers) and their lives.

But, sometimes life makes you have the experiences over and over again until you really get the lesson.  And, while I hate to admit this, I actually learn the most from those experiences that are difficult and painful.  The ones that require me to explore my feelings.  (Eek!  Who wants to explore their feelings???!!!!)

So, after talking with my friend, I decided to figure out what I can learn from this (and other) experiences (this is a typical lawyer … she makes a “plan”):

1. What happened? Often I try to forget the experience.  I just want it to go away.  But when I do that, I’m really ignoring the lesson.  So, this time I’ve decided to write about it – from start to finish.  I think it’ll help me see it more clearly – a key piece (for me) in learning something from the whole deal.

2. Looking back.  Sometimes it’s ok to look back.  Would I have done something differently knowing what I know now?  How could I have responded/acted differently?  In this case, I wouldn’t have done anything differently because I never put money (or myself) before other people and that would have been my only choice. As painful as it was, I’m super glad I stuck with my moral compass.

3. What feelings do I have about it?  Am I blaming?  Am I stuffing or ignoring?  Can these feelings change me going forward?  I really have to dig deep.  And when I do, I always see the lesson.

I’ve got some ideas about the lessons/benefits of this situation.  And, as we know, most lessons, by definition, are tough.  Yet, the only way we can continue to grow and learn is by having these experiences.  Let’s remind our kids of this when they are sad about how life is “happening” to them.  Better yet, lets remind ourselves.

Please everyone – stay safe today.  It’s awesome (but cold) out there!

I long for the days when the questions from my kids were like:

• “Why do we have to go to bed now, when it’s still light outside?”
• “Why do we have to drink milk every day?”
• “Why can’t I get that game for my (fill in the blank)?
• “Why are other moms nicer than you?” – Wait!  Still get that one!

Now I get questions like this one about soul mates.  This question, however, resulted in a very interesting conversation and I thought I’d share where we ended up.

My ideas about soul mates have changed over time.  When I was younger, I didn’t believe in soul mates.  I just figured you met someone and if it worked, great.  But, as I’ve gotten old(er), I realize that there are people who come (and still will come) into my life that I know are there for a reason and with whom I will be amazingly connected.  People who I’ve likely known before and maybe will know again.  I think they are soul mates.

I also believe that some of my friends are soul mates – we are so in tune that I just know we’re together for a reason.  You know the kind of friends I’m talking about?

I told my kids that they’ll come in contact with many people throughout their lives.   Some they will be attracted to and only a few they will be so attracted to that they will want to become partners.  Why only a few?  Because I believe that when it comes to attraction, our unconscious leads us.  Love is not logical.  Love is of the soul and I think our soul knows who the “right” person is at that time.  (This is as close to religion as I’m going to get here.  We can chat about this over wine!).

Look, there are billions of people in the world and many of them could be perfectly suitable partners for us.  But one with whom you have that connection – well it takes not just that first meeting, but work, hard work and the dropping of egos.  Not everyone can do that.

And, sometimes finding your soul mate may not end the way you want – and you’re left with lessons, (sometimes painful) not a partnership. Then, (and here’s the super cool part) – you get to go out and find the next soul mate!

At the end of our talk I blurted out, “How the f*&% am I qualified to answer this question?”  Then, I paused and said, “Well, there’s one thing I know for sure:  Deep soul mate love can come at any time, in any place and at any age.  It can come more than once and more than twice.  Love is the most powerful, most amazing thing in the world.  When you have children,  you’ll really understand the connection of souls.”

So many questions and absolutely no answers.

And, with that – I hope you have an amazing start to your week!

Recently, I took a few much-needed days away.  On my way home, I sat next to a man from Minneapolis.  He had been in CA for a visit (parents anniversary).  He’s been off work for more than a year – work-related injury and currently has no income.  He mentioned that he didn’t have time to have dinner (as I was eating a PB sandwich), so I gave him the protein bar in my purse and my peanuts from the flight.  He was so grateful.  My heart was heavy.

We began to talk about the book I had in my lap and why I was reading it – “Peace” (when I bought it my kids said, “Really Mom? Don’t you read enough about love and peace?).

I told him that the book wasn’t really about peace as much as it was about finding ways to deal with the situations in life that aren’t peaceful – those things that are nightmares in our lives.  We all have them.  People who treat us badly or situations that are toxic.  I mentioned that my big life question lately was how can we remain full of love and positivity when things don’t seem to warrant those feelings.

He suggested that what we really need to do, to find true peace, is not to point fingers at people or situations, but rather look at how we deal with the way people treat us – and forgive the pain we experience.  This doesn’t mean letting it happen over and over again. But, the key is how we think about the person or situation — how forgiving we are.  He believes that’s how we find true internal peace.

This reminded me of the Buddhist teachings I’d read recently.  Buddhists believe that it’s important not to blame – no finger-pointing when things happen to us.  Essentially, we are the driver of our own vehicle. We are responsible for our reactions and responses (and our boundaries!). So true, right?

My new friend told me about his difficult life.  He’s faced discrimination (he’s African-American) and people have and still do treat him badly because of his color.  But rather than being angry, he realizes how uninformed they are.  He told me that feels sorry for their closed life.  And he tries to remain positive and loving even in the face of those bad situations.

We talked the whole way and just before we landed, he said “I need to tell you one thing: When stuff is bad, when someone or something is doing us wrong – that’s when we need to find the most compassion. That’s the key to peace.”

Later, when I told my kids about the conversation, they said, “Mom, you’d probably have had that kind of “meeting” with half the people on the plane if you sat with them.  You just talk to anyone.”  Out of the mouths of babes.  I’ll take it as a complement (of sorts!).  But I got a gift – a lesson more powerful than any book. Thanks friend!

Have a great weekend!

 

I’m not one for New Year’s resolutions. Goals are important (and I do have a few for this coming year) but I don’t want to live my life by goals. I want to live my life by wisdom. Know what I mean? I want to find more peace and understanding. I want to stop being triggered by things outside my control and which really have no importance (although at the moment of my red-hot anger or hurt feelings, the issue always seems of incredible importance in my life!).  I want more patience.

But the question is, how do I do that? How do I let go of my fears and worries and live a more peaceful existence?

Some people become wise very gently, just by paying attention. Some add meditation (or medication!) or study and some through trial and error. But most of us become wiser by experiencing all of the above.

One thing I’ve learned this year is that wisdom will inevitably come from vulnerability mixed with the inevitable pain of life. Roosevelt once wrote about effort, error and shortcoming. Essentially, he believed that without pain, without taking a chance, without the effort, without vulnerability and without some suffering – we can’t gain wisdom.  Isn’t that the truth?!

This notion can be uncomfortable at times. Even a little dangerous because we’re left entirely exposed. But as I look back on my life, there is nothing is as scary or hurtful as standing on the outside of my life looking in and wondering what it would be like if I had the courage to live the life I want to live. One with my eyes wide open. One not afraid of taking a chance and getting hurt.  I need to be willing to crack remove my outside shell at times and let myself by seen – not only by me but by others.  Are you with me?

For me, wisdom also comes from acknowledging where I fall on the perfectionist continuum (pretty high, I must admit).  There’s no way wisdom comes from hiding my flaws, managing perception and pretending to be something I’m not. I have imperfections – thousands of them.  Aren’t we much better off using our imperfections to gain more wisdom and strength?  I think  hiding them only brings internal weakness and more fear.

This is a continuous process – this gaining wisdom thing.  And thankfully so.  I need all the time I can get!

Have an amazing day!

My daughter went to the health club at a g-d awful 5:45 a.m. yesterday, and I decided to go with her.  Instead of running I just walked on the treadmill and listened to music.  But my mind chatter got to me and I started to ask myself some tough questions:

What drives you in your life?  Since the past is not a predictor of the future, why are you always looking back?  What do you want (and whom) in your life to keep driving it forward – to be fulfilled?  What will make a difference in the quality of your life?

Shit.  It’s now 6:30 a.m.  This is too much chatter!!

So, I turn on a TED talk.  I usually listen to the science ones (yes, Dad – I do like science), but I didn’t have my glasses on and picked some guy named Tony Robbins.

This guy has a huge ego (I can now spot those a mile away!) but he said a couple of things that resonated.  First, I agree that emotion is the force of life.  That, it’s not about achievement.  We all know how to achieve. There’s a formula for that, a plan, get a good score, sell a lot, etc.  But we want fulfillment and the question is, how do we find it? What does it look like and how will it feel?

Robbins is also correct that there’s an “art” to fulfillment.  You’ve got to figure out how you want to contribute to the world.  How do you want to put your emotion and love out there?

We all know people who have tons of money, love, and opportunities – but they’re still not fulfilled.  Why?  Because it’s not what you have it’s what you give.  Amazingly simple, right?  There’s no code or process or science to fulfillment.  And, if you lack true emotion, you can’t be fulfilled.  That’s why narcissists have such a difficult time.  You can give them all the love and support you have but it’s never enough.

I had one of the toughest years of my life – both professionally and personally.  And how did I get through it?  I gave.  I gave and gave and gave.  I found that by giving my love and emotion (even when I was hurting) I could keep walking through the pain.  I could get to the other side.  It wasn’t easy but it wasn’t about me.  It was about those I gave to.

So, as we wind it down here let’s remember that biography isn’t destiny.  Even if yesterday was bad, we can give it our all again today.  Don’t look back.  Look forward.  Give, love even when it feels uncertain.   Don’t be afraid to get hurt – because you will.  But when you do, it will allow you to experience more of life’s emotions and in turn you’ll have more to give away.  That’s fulfillment.

Have an amazing day.

Yesterday, my daughter and I were on a mission to get all my shopping done in one night.  We were in the dressing room of a popular clothing store when I heard a woman speaking quite rudely to a man.  He said a few things back, but she was relentless.  Eventually, they came out of the dressing room and I quickly realized they were husband and wife.  She was talking down to him in such a way that I was uncomfortable just being there.  It made me think about how we talk to one another – whether in public or at home.

Most of us have come across the statistics that the strength of interpersonal communication is divided as follows: 55% body language, 38% tone of voice and 7% words.  Communication specialists believe that our body language has more impact and speaks louder than our words.  I don’t believe it.  To me, words are as powerful (if not more) than body language and tone of voice.

I think words have staying power.  Think about your last serious conflict with someone. What makes a deeper impression on you? What can you remember? Most of us remember the words.  That’s what tags our emotions.  I suppose at the initial stage of any relationship, non-verbal language has more strength than the words and the art of eye contact can be much more powerful than words.  But, once you know someone, words will prove to be a formidable foe to both body language and tone of voice.

Look, I remember the words, “I love you” over someone’s body language.  Or, important statements by my grandparents or mother before they died.  Don’t you agree?

This is precisely why text messages and emails are often very divisive.  When we read messages, we often pull the negative out rather than the positive.  Or why self-help books tell us that when we’re angry, we should write a letter expressing our feelings (and thus venting our anger) but not sending the letter or talking (yelling) at the person  when we’re angry (note to self there!).

This doesn’t mean that we should listen to words, rather than actions.  I’m living proof that the words someone tells you mean Jack S&*% when the actions are completely different. But, that’s for another blog post!

So, I wish that wife would have been encouraging to her husband on his clothing choices rather than yelling at him about how “stupid” his clothes looked.  Words have such a lasting effect (likely longer than their marriage may last) and I would suggest that during this holiday season, we try to use positive words, loving statements and lots of hugs (I think hugs are like words!).  Try it and I’m positive that’s what you’ll end up remembering  about this holiday season!

Have a fantastic day!

 

Today while working out, I was talking with a friend about signs. And for me, three times a charm – this was the third conversation on this topic this week.  I  can’t tell you how many times something happens to me three times in a row (I’m excluding speeding tickets here!).  And the “signs” – well, they’re never exactly alike.  I even think the person I had the conversation with today was a sign.

I must admit that I’m not always the best at reading signs.  It’s not so much that I don’t see them.  It’s that I often refuse to recognize and act on them.  In fact, some of you know that I went years (and years) ignoring signs (some actually screaming at me) until I finally hit bottom, opened my eyes and saw it right in front of me – as if for the first time (despite the 2 billion I missed).

Why do we ignore signs? Is it our lack of trust?  Do we think we’re smarter than the signs?  If you’re like me (a pedestrian at life), I just hate change and those signs usually mean change.

All I know is this  – when you’re wondering what direction to go or why you are having certain experiences you can get a sign, if you want …

1. Be clear on where you need guidance.  Ask yourself the question, “Do I really need help?  If so, what guidance do I need or am I ok right now?”  I often ask for guidance but it’s in desperation.  Wrong way to do it.

2. Release it to the universe.  Don’t brood over it.  Send it off and trust that something will happen and it will be heard — somehow. It will.  I promise you.

3. Be in the present moment.  Be in tune. Whether when you’re alone, or with your partner, children or even a stranger (so important!).  You have to be engaged in the actual moment, not engaged in your mind.

4. Be open.  Most of my signs come when my eyes are open.  Maybe that’s why I have so many experiences with people.  I literally walk with my eyes open.  In fact (as weird as this might sound), when I’m in the skyway, or the gas station or even the coffee shop (!), I try to look at people, not my phone, and be totally open!

I’m thankful that whatever/whomever sent me the 2 billion signs, which I ignored, still likes me and is still sending me messages. I sometimes cry thinking about how many I brushed off.  I must not have been ready.  Life.

I like to think of signs as guideposts of what choices to make. All we need to see the signs is just plain curiosity about life and a willingness to look at the world in a way different from that which we think is “right.”

Keep your eyes open and have a great rest of your weekend!