theyearsafter50

I was with some friends this weekend – the kind of friends who support you, all the time, and call you on your s*** when you need them to (lovingly of course!).  We were talking about the changes we’re all experiencing in our lives and this question came up:

If you could define yourself in one word – one word that when you die, people use to describe you – what would it be?

Wow! There are so many words.  What if part of our life was defined by one word and part by another word?  How about this:  What if you picked a word but you didn’t think your life lived up to that word yet?  Or what if your word for you was different from the word someone else might choose for you?  Does that mean that your word is “wrong?”  (Hey, Jess – don’t make this more complicated than it is. Pick a freaking word!)

Actually, my word came to me right away (and my friends picked that same one for me too), but I’m afraid that I don’t always live up to that word.  When I’m hurt by a person or a situation, I know I don’t live that word.  When I see bad things happening to others, I sometimes forget my word.  In fact, sometimes I hide my word (which I really could also call my “true self”) out for fear that it doesn’t totally fit my profession or that I might not be accepted.

Within each of us is the capacity to be generous or selfish, understanding or harsh, loving or unloving.  Sometimes we (read: me) can be all of these things in one day (or even one hour!).  We are entitled to make mistakes.  To not be perfect.  Some days we just can’t be on the “path.”  Life can be super messy that way.

But friends, we really do choose what aspects of our character we want to support and develop. We decide the word that will be our lasting legacy.  And the really cool thing about it?  You can live the life you want to live – even if you haven’t thus far.  And, even if you didn’t do it this weekend!  How amazing is that?

Think about it.  What’s your word?

Have a fantastic day!  🙂

 

 

Have you seen this movie?  Essentially it’s about the notion of what your life would be like if you made a right turn or a left turn at a particular moment.  The people you might meet.  The experiences you might have.  Sort of the serendipity of life.

What about the uncanny coincidences of our experiences?  We’ve all had it happen.  For example, I think of someone, maybe someone I’ve not talked with in years, and then hours later, he calls.  Or you hear a very unusual phrase three times within an hour from three different people.  What about the people who come into your life at the very moment that you need them or you meet someone by chance and you almost didn’t go to the place/event in the first place.

Is this just the law of averages playing itself out?  Or is it what Carl Jung believed was the underlying order of the universe – Synchronicity.  Jung said that this underlying connectedness manifests itself through meaningful coincidences that cannot be explained by cause and effect. Such synchronicities occur, he theorized, when a strong need arises in the psyche of an individual.  Hey!  I’ve got some strong needs in my psyche! 🙂

I’m sure my dad’s got a stomach ache as he reads this (he’s a scientist). But Dad, some scientists see a theoretical grounding for synchronicity in quantum physics, fractal geometry and chaos theory. They are finding that the isolation and separation of objects from each other is more apparent than real.  At deeper levels, everything — atoms, cells, molecules, plants, animals, people — participate together in the flow of our universe.  For example, physicists have shown that if two photons are separated, no matter by how far, a change in one creates a simultaneous change in the other.  What’s that all about?

What ever it is – I believe in it.  I’ve had the most unusual experiences with people that I know come into my life for a reason (even when I wish they hadn’t).  Maybe they are there for me, maybe for them, maybe for the “us” … or maybe something bigger than us.  Thinking this way, gives me a sense of hope.  A sense of something bigger than me – whatever that might be.

In Sliding Doors, although we see the female lead go two different ways, she ultimately ends up with the same person.  Maybe in life, we have the chance to go right or left, but in the end – it’s a big circle and we end up in the same place … just with different experiences.

Maybe synchronicities are simply a wink from the cosmos.  A chance to stop and think about the world around us and how we fit in.  So, when you start singing that stupid song in your mind and then hours later you go to the store and hear it playing – stop for a minute.  Smile to yourself, wonder how it all works and remind yourself, what fun it is to be here!

Have an amazing weekend!

 

The other day I was at a stop light.  I happened to be about 3 cars back from the light and I saw someone at the corner who had a sign “Will work for food.” He was Black.  His color only matters because of what comes next.

I noticed that one person got out of his car to give money and the other rolled down his window.  I can see both are men and both are black.  There are other cars there too – nice cars.  These two guys didn’t have those kind of nice cars (relative, of course).  I rolled down my window and held out some money.  The man came to my car, took the money and said “G-d bless you.”  Frankly, I can use all the g-d blessings I can get right now.

I wondered why the two black guys gave money but the two BMW’s and the Lexis didn’t.  Look, I know this is sometimes a racket.  And, I know sometimes we’re paying for an addiction.  And this is not about the cost of our cars or the color of our skin.  This is just me making an observation with no agenda or judgment.

The light turned and we all pulled forward. The car with one of the guys in it pulled over a block later at a gas station.   So I pulled over too.  I got out of my car just as the guy was going into the building to buy his gas.  I followed him in.  In the register line I saw him counting bills for his gas.  Looked like $7 and some change.

I said (to the guy with his baggy pants to his knees and tattoos on his arms), “Hey, I noticed you gave that guy at the corner some money. That was nice of you.”  He turned around and for a split second I wondered if I really should have opened my mouth.

He stared at me for a second and then smiled.  “Yea, I can’t stand seeing my brothers on the street.  That used to be me.  Homeless.  No money and when I had some, I was just buying something bad. Maybe it’ll make some difference for him. Maybe not. But I’m doin’ something.”

“That’s really cool,” I said.  “You made my day.”  He nodded and walked out.  I gave the guy at the register my card and bought my new friend $30 in gas.  As I walked out and got in my car I heard the loud-speaker tell him “that woman” just gave him $30 in gas.

He was right, it did feel good to do something.  Life’s full of surprises, don’t you think?

Have an amazing Wednesday.

When everything is flowing the way we think it should, we think we’re living in harmony with the universe. But when things aren’t going well we think that the world is not fair.  We’re angry, frustrated and wonder, “Why me?”  Yet, here’s the thing: when you lose the job you thought was so great or the relationship you thought you would have forever ends, it’s important to listen to what is happening and actually experience it rather than just avoid the pain.

It’s in those moments that we’re supposed to take the time to explore our feelings and experience the moment.  But we often try to avoid the pain by doing other things — like shopping, eating, drinking or justifying the pain by saying,”Well, it was just meant to be.”  And maybe this latter statement is true. But if we don’t look at our perceived failures or the pain that comes from just being in this world, we’ll have a hard time getting closer to who we really are or want to be.

Failure is a subjective term. If we have very rigid ideas of what it means to succeed, we will be disappointed.  One thing I know for sure:  nothing is certain and there will be failure.

Plus, I think there’s value in failure.  As the Dalai Lama said, “Sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.”  I certainly think this is true for me given my recent “failures.”

There are many statistics about companies that eventually succeeded after abundant failures.  This is also true for personal success.  Coming back from a disappointment and moving forward will always bring joy and a sense of satisfaction … really of success.

Let’s be empowered, not paralyzed, by failure.  Those “failures” are an opportunity to see deeper into ourselves.  My difficulties have always brought pain and sorrow and growth and color and joy to my life.

Friends, I think this is the grace of our existence.  The ability to make mistakes, experience pain and difficulty and try it all over again.  I’m embracing my failures right now.  And I’ve got a lot of them!  I hope you can embrace yours too.

Have a great day!

 

Fear has controlled me.  It has kept me frozen in one place.  It’s kept me in unhappy relationships and frankly, it’s sometimes stopped me from living my dreams.  I’ve allowed it to control my decisions, to choose my directions, I’ve almost made it a person – sitting right next to me.  Have you seen the movie – The Bird Man?  His fear, his ego – spoke louder to him than those who loved him.

While with age, I’ve finally been able to identify it, I’m still not always able to deal with it.   I’m a work in process.

I’ve tried lots of things – meditation, therapy, (drinking 🙂 ), etc., but these things don’t help me face those fears.  Plus, fear can move from the mental to the physical – making us feel sick, becoming compulsive about things, spending too much money, cheating,  ….  You know what I’m talking about.

Why do we let something that’s not really us, control our actions?  I don’t have an answer.  I just know a few things:

First, we are solely responsible for the thoughts our minds produce. While we can’t stop our minds completely, we can (and should) control them and create the message we should be hearing.

Second, we can hit the “stop” button at any time.  I’ve been working on taking a deep breath and hitting “delete” literally and figuratively.  Sometimes our thoughts want to drag us away – but we often forget that we have all the power.

Of course, suffering and pain is inevitable and sometimes it will take every ounce of energy to not react to the messages we are hearing in our brain.  Sometimes, we will just get lost in our thoughts and we just can’t beat ourselves up about it.  Nothing is perfect.

The point here is that I’ve stayed in bad situations because of tapes I was playing – “I’m not good enough.”  “This is as good as I deserve.”  Had I really listened to the truth of the situation, of the importance of being honest with myself, I would have changed directions long before I did.  But, my tapes were on max volume and I just must not have been ready.

All I know is this:  the more I practice, the better I get at turning down the volume.  Maybe I’ve not shut it off completely (and I likely never will), but at least I can identify it.

The greater part of human pain is unnecessary. It is self-created as long as the unobserved mind runs your life. Eckhart Tolle

Friends, let’s not let it run our lives.  Give it a shot with me.  How bad can it be? Look, even if it hurts, we know it’s hurting for all the right reasons.

Please be safe today.  XO

For the last six months or so, I’ve not wanted to run alone.  I guess I needed the chatter of my friends, keeping me from thinking too much about the stuff going on in my life.  But Wednesday, I decided it was time to try a run by myself.  After all, it’s just me.  I used to love taking a run by myself.  Time to think, regroup, recenter.

As I started to run, my first thought was, “I wish I had headphones.”    It reminded me of the line from Gwendolen, in Oscar Wilde’s The Importance of Being Ernest, who said, “I never travel without my diary.  One should always have something sensational to read in the train.”  What is so difficult about just running without anything but me?

History is filled with stories of amazing people who spent significant time alone – in reflection and working on their lives, thoughts and dreams.  But not in our world.  We’re just not used to being totally alone.

Maybe we (read: me) are afraid of our thoughts …  our tapes.  Maybe our (read: my) thoughts are not all golden and happy or productive or even important.  But, what’s wrong with that?  I’m not perfect and I’m not pretending to be.

As I was running, I decided to listen to what was around me: the sound of my jacket rustling.  My breathing.  The gentle rain as I looked through my wet glasses.  Then I stopped.  Not because I was tired, but because I realized I was crying.  It hit me how fortunate I was to be in that spot, in the rain at that very moment — all by myself.  I was overwhelmed with the good fortune I have to be here, not in Syria.  How beautiful the gray, cloudy, rainy day was.  How did I get so lucky to have so much in my life – even when my tapes say something is missing?

Let’s not to waste the opportunity of that rare and precious commodity – being alone – even if it’s just a split second in your mind.  I anticipate I will have much more time alone when my kids leave and I’ll manage that when I get there.  But for now, the small amount of alone time I have provides me with an opportunity to accept myself as I am, wherever I am in my journey.

And friends, let’s not forget that in the end, we eventually meet all life’s greatest tests by working on them internally – and alone.

Have an amazing weekend!

 

In my recent life transition, I’ve had to look at the things in my life that are the constants.  Those things I know for sure (the good and the not-so-good) and understand how they play into my life.

This is what I know for sure (today):

1. I can always find a reason to smile.  I’ve had some moments lately where I didn’t feel like smiling.  But, I’ve found that in those moments, if we take one second to be thankful for something right in front of our face (even a cup of java), we can find a reason to smile.  Do it.

2. I’m going to be ok.  There is no question that whatever the trial of the moment, we will be ok.  Things will work out.  Just find a way to know that and it will help you get to the next day, and the next, and the next.  You will be ok each of those days.  I promise.

3. There will be a reason to cry. Pain is inevitable.  But, when one door closes, another one always (and I mean always) opens.  Allow the first one to close.  If you don’t, nothing else will open.

4. I have the energy to change directions.  We attract what we are.  I know someone who is always fighting with other people.  It’s been his life.  I tried to understand it, to support it – but I couldn’t.  Unless he changes his energy (which he can) – that will be his life.  Draw the positive energy you want in your life by finding it in yourself.  It is there!

5. There will always be something “better.”  There’s always something cooler, more exciting.  A new house.  New clothes.  A new “person.”  But “better” is a state of mind.  Some of the happiest people I know have the least amount of “stuff.”  They work through their s*** not run from it.  Think about it.

6. Time keeps marching on.  I was talking with someone recently who just retired.  He said it was the best time of his life!  Cool! Love the time/place you’re in. A new one (whether you like it or not) is around the corner.

7. I will always feel fear and love.  In some ways, they are intertwined.  We have fear inside us.  Fear of failure.  Fear of loneliness.  Fear that we’re not good enough.  But we’ll also always feel love.  When you are feeling fearful about a situation – find the love in it.  Actually, find the love in you — it will eliminate the fear.

I really could go on and on (thank g-d I have a blog!).  But, the key message for me (and us) today is that life is ever-changing and never certain.  What we want and love one minute is gone the next.  But, what we can count on is our inner peace, positive energy and our love.  Give that out, my friends. Give it to the world and watch what comes back to you.

Have an amazing start to the week! XO

 

 

2.

I just happened to be at home this week when the garbage truck arrived.  Have you ever watched them pick up your garbage?  This huge truck comes to a screeching stop at your driveway.  Then a big claw comes out of the truck.  It tightly wraps itself around the container and in a very forceful move, it lifts it up all the way to the top where the garbage that was piled in there during the week is immediately dumped out.  The can is quickly placed back on the ground.  The lid is now back on the can … and the truck drives away.  Then — there’s silence.

I want that.  I want to have someone come to my house each week and dump out my own personal garbage.  Why not?  Wouldn’t that be cool?  We could toss in there anything we wanted with the knowledge that each week (or, if you pay a premium, more often) you too could have your garbage dumped.  Really sounds amazing to me.  You could even hire it to go dump the garbage of those people who are trying to fill up your can of garbage with their s***.   Am I on to something here?

But alas, that’s not to be and we have to deal with all our own garbage.  Even therapy forces us to haul it away ourselves (pay and you still have to work — there’s a problem with that!).

I’ve got my fair share of garbage.  Some I can dump and it never seems to come back. And some, well – I don’t think a quick any thing will get rid of it.  But, as a friend used to say to me — that’s part of my charm and beauty.  I’ve got good stuff and I’ve got bad stuff.  It makes up who I am.  My vulnerabilities.  My life filled with love (and sometimes pain when I give a bit too much).   This garbage, combined with the rest of me will, of course, also shape my future experiences.

I guess I need to remind myself that no one is made perfect. Actually, our “perfectness” comes from our imperfections.  Plus, we all have garbage.  Some days the can is full and sometimes not.

Maybe life is as simple as just finding a way to dump our garbage each week and allow for a fresh start.  Or to put less in … a recycling theme?  Maybe what I think about the garbage complicating my life is really there to provide me with direction?  Hmm… More questions than answers (typical Jessica).

Maybe the real truth is this: “Life is a simple combination of good and bad. It is we who make it complicated.”  Bryson T. Staley

Have a great (and imperfect) weekend!

In a rare moment for me, I got sick.  Not just a runny nose — really sick.  Down for the count sick.  So, not like me.  I think it was a bit of stress coupled with the woman sneezing right in my face on the plane last week (the guy next to us put on a face mask … why didn’t I plan for that??).

Being sick gave me an opportunity to have some down time.  And, other than my hacking “smoker’s” cough – some quiet time.

The other night, the kids were studying and I was sitting in my favorite chair, where I usually do work (or fall asleep).  I had the window cracked open (as I seem to do all the time now).  At that moment, I decided to put my computer down and do nothing.  I didn’t get up and eat (do that often).  I didn’t offer to make food for everyone (do that all the time).  I didn’t make a cup of tea or go to the bathroom or even surf the net.  I just sat there.  And, here’s what happened:

• I heard the rustle of the wind in the tree leaves and them gently falling to the ground.
• I heard the chipmunk (which has been pissing me off lately) scurrying around on the patio.
• I could hear the quiet beat of the music each kid was listening to as they did their homework.
• I heard their sighs.
• I heard the gentle conversations they have amongst themselves (which I often get in the middle of).
• I heard the clock ticking and my heart beating.

These are all things I’ve heard before.  But, this time I heard them and felt them.  I felt them way down into my being.  It was five minutes of the most amazing meditation and I didn’t need a mantra.

Friends, life is passing us by.  Seriously.  How often are you taking  a moment to hear the breath of your children?  The sound of the world outside your window?  Are you taking care of the inside of you?  Is there any quiet time in your life?

If I had to choose the most important life lesson from doing nothing, it’s this:

There is nothing quite so comforting, quite so embracing, or quite so beautifully peaceful as a moment of quiet.  We can remember the past, we can create tomorrow –  but we can only live in the moment.

Have an amazing day everyone!

I’ve always held this belief that any problem can be solved. Actually, the grandiose idea that I can solve any problem. Unfortunately, with that philosophy, I’ve staying in situations too long and allowed myself to continue, thinking that eventually they or the problem will get “fixed.” Mistake no. 1678!

Some situations are there not for you to change them, but for you to change you. For you to let go of the need to change, fix or solve and realize it’s time to walk away.

Recently, I’ve been hit head on with this reality. It’s sobering. I’ve literally had a “friend” use every last piece of my energy and goodwill for his gain. I allowed it, however, because I thought it would be the effort needed to solve the problem. He allowed it because he needed the energy and didn’t care about the consequences.

But I was totally wrong that my efforts could change any thing. I’ve got to admit defeat, and, in the process, I need to thank him for this lesson.

When we lose ourselves by trying to solve a problem, we forget that the solution is simply to let go. To admit it’s not solvable. And maybe to realize that if it can’t be solved, it wasn’t worth it in the first place.

Think of the situations where you couldn’t let go. Where you thought you could for sure fix it/make it better. Let’s remember friends, that if we have to work that hard at something, it wasn’t meant to be. And likely was S@&$ in the first place!

So, I’ve really got to thank the taker of my good will. He taught me that real relationships and situations are not those that are painful or one sided. Those are the situations that can’t be fixed and rather than throw away good energy at something that won’t change, we should save it for those situations where it will really make a difference. And we know those situations are right in front of us!

Have a great Sunday!