theyearsafter50

A friend is dealing with this issue of boundary violations and forgiveness.  His relationship with his partner has been one-sided for years.  I won’t diagnose her but I will say that it is mostly a relationship about her.  I’m not making a comment on whether this is good or bad — every relationship is different – I’m just stating a fact.

When she hurts him (and it happens quite often) instead of setting up boundaries for what he’ll allow to happen and remain in the relationship, he often relaxes his boundaries, forgives her and then is mad at himself when she violates his boundaries again (and she does, again and again).

So, these last few months we’ve been trying an experiment.  When he relaxes his boundaries – it’s when he’s feeling bad about himself, and it causes him more stress.  And, he doesn’t really feel forgiveness (even though he tells her he forgives her).  When he choses to have a boundary and reinforces it  – she often doesn’t listen to him or change, but he feels better about himself.

Here’s the thing about asserting boundaries and forgiveness – you can do both but sometimes people will just leave your life (or you will jettison them).  Some people (read: narcissists) can’t handle having limits on how they treat people.  They don’t see that their treatment is a total lack of respect for others while only taking care of their own needs.  That’s not a relationship for life.

Yet, with healthy people (read: non-narcissist) setting boundaries will make a relationship stronger and better.  It provides each person with an understanding of what hurts the other and what doesn’t.  And, if there’s love and respect – boundaries won’t continue to be violated (not intentionally anyway).

The trick with asserting boundaries is not to do it in anger (that defeats the purpose and adds negative energy).  Setting boundaries should be matter of fact.

I’m trying it right now. I’ve been giving a lot of energy to help someone.  This person has just taken and taken and given nothing.  This person wants me to keep helping but the treatment of me is violating my boundaries.  So, I’ve decided to stop helping (which as you know is difficult for me!).  And, as contrary as that is to my being – it’s also freeing!  Boundary-less people are energy suckers and I’d rather give my energy to a loving situation.

Forgiveness is important.  But, it doesn’t mean you allow people to hurt you.  It means you understand that the other person is doing the best they can do with the resources, skills and life experiences they have but that their skills in life are hurting you.  And, if they don’t want to see the effect on you, then you must set your boundaries and take care of you – which often means leaving.  It’s finding a place in your heart for compassion for them and, more importantly, for you.

I never said this would be an easy journey … just an enlightening one! 🙂

Enjoy your beautiful weekend!

True Confessions: About six months ago I decided to try talking to a therapist.  Look, who doesn’t want an hour without a phone, sitting in a comfortable chair and having someone listen to your every word? 🙂  “What do you want to accomplish?”  she asked at our first session.  “To get unstuck,”  I said.  “Sounds simple enough,” she suggested.   Simple?  Yikes! I could hear the money coming directly out of my bank account.

What did I want to get unstuck from?  My thoughts.  You know what I’m talking about.  Those negative thoughts about creep in to our minds.  That suck the thankfulness out of our lives.  I wanted to destroy that 8 track tape I’ve been playing since the 80’s about never being good enough.  Yet, six months later they’re still playing, I’m still not drinking enough wine and I’ve spent some money.

On Monday, I decided to listen to the tapes.  Maybe I didn’t understand what song they were playing.  When I stopped to listen, I heard this: “Jessica, you’re afraid of change.  You tell yourself that the change will be horrible. But, change is inevitable, as is pain, happiness and love.  And, Jessica – change always works out.”  Great.  I’m in therapy and I’ve got voices talking to me.  Is that a diagnosable condition?

Yesterday (still dealing with my “voices”) I went to hear my daughter’s Senior Speech on, believe it or not, CHANGE.  Shit!

And, as though speaking directly to me, the one who gave birth to her, cleaned her runny nose and held her when she was sick, she said:

As the old saying goes, change is the only constant thing in life. We can count on the days changing, getting older, expanding our knowledge, and changing our opinions. All aspects of life are subject to change at any moment. This is scary to most people, including myself.

I’m here to tell you why this attitude towards change is a problem. [Michael Singer, author of “The Untethered Soul,” says] “Change is a source of fear—fear of added stress, fear of discomfort and fear of the unknown.”  The avoidance of the uncomfortable feelings associated with change limits our ability to grow as people. Singer believes that the avoidance [of change] causes you to lose track of your life’s purpose.

Well, so much for hiding behind my fears.  She just called it out right in front of 400+ people at 9 am!  I’m surprised no one turned around and pointed their finger at me.

Look, we all get stuck. We play those well-worn tapes over and over. We let our insecurities get in the way.  We fear being “us” will not be good enough. Yet, that fear of letting go, of being vulnerable, of just being … well frankly, my friends – it’s more stressful than letting the unknown just happen.

Let’s be totally honest: Change is really the only constant in lives (other than love, of course).  🙂   So, maybe it’s time to embrace it (or both)!

Have a fantastic day!

When I got to Boston on Friday (my daughter was rowing at the Head of the Charles), I was thinking of love.  I’m not sure why.  I just saw lots of people holding hands.  Hugging.  Seemingly enjoying being together.  I saw it in the airport.  I saw it while picking up my car.  And, I saw it on the race course.

It made me think about my own relationships and being single.  But this time, I didn’t question my own spot.  Instead, I realized how amazing life is that we often have the opportunity to experience lots of different things: Single, married, (for some of us) divorced, new love, and trying it all over again.

I started to think of some questions about my life, and then I realized that these are the same questions for everyone (men, women, single, married):

1. Being single (married) still means you need time to be by yourself.

Single people need to learn how to be alone and married people need to find alone time.  It’s time to reconnect with yourself.  It’s a time to accept who you are and who you want to be.

2. When you have time, appreciate the present – not the past.

Buddha said every day you are born again—that means new experiences and adventures for each day.

3. Change is good (and sometimes scary).

Often, by my stage in the game, being single means that there’s been some change in your life. Embrace it.  Being married means that your relationship will unquestionably change.  Be prepared.

4. Don’t be afraid of love and of being transparent.

Staying open to love isn’t just about attracting a new relationship; it’s about being open to life (which can include your marriage if you make the love and transparency a priority).

5. When you are alone (for whatever reason) it’s a call to focus on  yourself.

Sometimes relationships can make us lazy about developing ourselves.   Identify the person you really want to be—whether you’re in a relationship or not – and do it.

6.  To see a rainbow, one has to experience a storm.

When something bad happens, we tend to concentrate on the negatives, forgetting that there must be something positive hidden somewhere in the craziness. You will know happiness in the future—and in the present –  if you’re open to it.

7. Life is (relationships are) a balancing act.  

There is no one size fits all and we constantly change throughout our lives.  Allow and embrace those changes – regardless of the outcome.

I still have a lot to learn, understand, and explore. Sometimes I need to be reminded to be grateful for what I have – and the stage that I’m in.  As we all know, these words are easier said than done. So, here’s one important idea I want to leave you with today:

No matter what happens – you have yourself.  Take care of that person today (and every day).

Have an amazing start to your week!

 

I bought coffee for the woman behind me at a coffee shop yesterday.  She came up to thank me as I was waiting for my drink. She shared that she’d lost her job the day before.  She looked all dressed for work so I asked what she had planned for the day.  She told me that she hadn’t told her husband yet because he was just diagnosed with cancer and they were weighing options regarding the tragic news.  She was too afraid to upset him.  So, she pretended to get dressed for work and left.  I felt horrible for her.

I told her that I had a few minutes and if she wanted we could sit and chat about options.  We did.

Married 5 years now, this is her second marriage.  They had a bumpy start because of blended families, personal issues, etc., but they decided that their commitment to each other was more important than what was happening in their outside world.  She said they had just gotten to a good place – took 4 years (they were together for 8 before they got married).  She said she’d never been happier.

Now he was just diagnosed with a very aggressive form of cancer, they have 4 children, he’s on leave and she’s been “laid off.”

How could I help this situation? Why was this in front of me?  For those of you close to me, you know I’m kind of at the end of my rope with these sorts of situations … but I just couldn’t do or say nothing.  There was a reason why she was behind me in the coffee line.  The reason was likely for her and for me (always is).

So, I suggested that she contact a friend of mine that I knew could help with some of the issues she was facing.  I told her not to be afraid to tell her husband.  I relayed a story about my own life, where I was afraid to share what I was feeling and it just caused more hurt and pain, not avoided it.  I told her that if her relationship was as wonderful as she said, there would be some good news here. Love always prevails over trials.

Just then her husband called.  She looked at me, picked it up and spilled her guts. She started to cry.  He said something.  She said, “I love you too.”  She got off and told me he was happy because now she could come home and be with him!  He said they would figure it out.   We got up, hugged and said good-bye.

Life is fragile.  You think you have it all together.  It’s all going smoothly and then bam – something happens to wake you up.  Maybe it’s better to stay awake and appreciate what we have in the moment.  Especially with the people in our lives.  In the very end – it’s all you have.

Hug your loved ones today.  And, have an amazing weekend!

 

We see this horrible stuff in the news all the time. Child hurt/killed/maimed by parent(s).  And I feel sick every time.  But this young girl I’m talking about — this one I know.  Her family is a part of my family.  We may be different in some ways but we are the same in one big way.

This young girl (in the news when it happened and this weekend, when she came home), is paralyzed because her father did something so selfish and stupid – that he will spend years behind bars.  As well he should.

But this post isn’t about the pain she and her family will endure for the rest of their lives.  This post is really about the power of love.  Because this is a family who, despite their flaws (and we all freaking have them), they have the love.  Love for one another and the love for this beautiful 14 year old girl.

With every challenge in life we wonder: What’s the lesson?  Why us?  Why this? Sometimes we find the answers and sometimes we don’t.  And there’s the bad thing about not knowing the “lesson:”  We forget to appreciate each moment until it’s gone.  Why?  Because we are too busy to say, “Thank you.”  Thank you for allowing me to get up and type on a computer.  Thank you for the opportunity to feed my kids and myself.  Thank you for clean water.  Thank you for another day.  Thank you for freedom. Thank you. Thank you.

Yesterday, I had the best time I’ve had in months and months.  And all I did was go for a walk with the most special person in my life (other than my family).  I paid attention to the wind in the trees.  The color of the leaves.  The people we greeted. And the moments of laughter we had.  I was present.  It felt like home.

When I read the articles on this young woman, I see her wheelchair and the changes in her.  I see that her life is unforgivably changed.  But I also see the love and support they have for one another.  The moment to moment achievements.  The living in the present.  And the thankfulness for what they have.

Isn’t that what life is supposed to be all about?

Have a wonderful start to your week.

I screwed up yesterday.  I let myself get upset about something and it spilled over to the person I was upset with.  Really not like me.  I’d like to pawn it off on being tired, being frustrated, needing a vacation … but I have no excuse for my conduct.  And, I feel bad about it.  In fact, I’ve got Jewish/Italian guilt about it (and that’s a deadly combination!).

Guilt is hard to describe.  Its a feeling, right?  A feeling that I should have done something, should be doing something, should not have done something.

Actually, “guilt” comes from an Old English word that meant “delinquency.” Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary defines it as “feelings of culpability, especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy; self-reproach.” It’s a revealing definition because nowhere does it say that guilt is related to things you actually did wrong.

Life is imperfect and rather than walking around feeling that heavy sense of guilt, that constant ruminating about the woulda, coulda, shoulda – we’ve got to find ways to shed those feelings:

1. Forgive yourself.  When those feelings of guilt haunt you, remember that it’s just self-inflicted pain.  If you’ve apologized or tried to right the wrong, then it’s time to let go.

2. Find out what your guilt is about.  Mine was that I lost it when I really had mixed feelings about a situation.  So, by understanding where my feelings come, it helps in trying to avoid the same situation.

3. When you feel guilt, it doesn’t necessarily mean you were wrong.   Maybe you were pushed really hard and then you felt guilty about your reaction.  It’s not always your fault.  It’s not always my fault.

4. Stop thinking about the things you can’t change.  I ask a lot of “what if?” questions.  But that means I’m not focusing on the present.  I can’t change the past and I don’t have a freaking idea about the future. End of story.

5. End the blame game.  It’s a complex world.  Relationships are complex.  They can be joyful.  And, they can be painful.  Take a more forgiving approach to the world and recognize that sometimes things just happen on their own momentum, as a result of a waterfall of events that cannot be blamed on any one person.

6.  Like yourself.  Guilt becomes less of an issue when we are happy and secure in who we are. Make a list about what you like about yourself.  Look at it whenever you’re feeling guilty about what you should or should not have done.

7. We can only do our best.  Nothing more.  I need to work on remembering this one.

Sometimes I make mistakes.  Yesterday was one of them.  These are the beautiful and sensitive parts about us.  We are imperfect.  And, it’s ok to admit it, let go and move on.

Have an amazing weekend!

We’re supposed to love everything about being a mom.  And I’d venture to say that I do like most of it (not in the heat of the “moment” of course!).  But marketing to moms?  I suppose there’s a basis for that but let’s be careful about pegging us as moms rather than women!

This weekend I was looking through an unnamed catalog, when the statement: ‘Yoga Pants for Mom” caught my eye.  “Colored and Fun!”  Really?  Does that mean plain old women can’t wear them?  How about those who don’t have kids … not appropriate? If there are yoga pants for “moms,” I’m afraid to ask what their might be for lawyers … pin striped running shorts? Have you ever seen, trousers for “grandpa,” or blouses/bras/underwear for “grandma?”  Yikes!

Guess what marketers …I’m still a woman.  You’ve got stuff I want to buy, but unless I’ve got some specific need for my kids … then don’t add the “mom twist.”  Remember, just because I gave birth doesn’t mean I don’t like style.

How about the sites – “Quick Meals for Busy Moms!”  What does that mean?  If you’re not a mom, you’re not busy?  Some days I pretend I’m not a mom and I’m still busy.

Frankly, I’m feeling downgraded here.  What if I were a step-mom too?  Would there be special clothes for me?  Maybe more witchy looking?

Yes, I’m a mom.  I’m called “Mom” a million times a day (which is how often they need me to find lost clothing items).  But, if you’re going to quantify me by the carrying of one of these three in my womb … well, I’m not biting.  Plus, I’ve put that part behind me (literally and figuratively!).

I’m not buying the Mom Yoga Pants.  I’m too freaking tired to do yoga anyway!

Have a great day!

I’ve had some interesting “run-ins” the last few days.  At each moment, something was said, a phrase of sorts, a message – that left me wondering what it was supposed to mean to me.  Let me run through them.  I’ll leave the interpretation up to you:

1. Appreciation grows to respect, which grows to like, which easily (and beautifully) grows to love.  This was said to me by a woman who was talking about her former relationships (and giving me relationship advice 🙂 ).  In her first marriage, she didn’t have this.  With the  second – she has it in spades.  She said: “If you don’t have full respect from your partner – you have nothing – not even a friendship.  It comes in actions, not always words.” Hmm.

2. If you only do that which you are sure of the outcome, you will never get anything done – or get to where you want to go.  This was from a man I met recently. I asked about his fears and he said that his biggest one was getting stuck doing only those things he was sure about.  When he met his wife, the thought she was too nice to be with someone like him.  He took a chance at rejection.  Best fear he’s ever mastered.  My biggest fear?  Missing these messages.  Wow.

3. Pay attention on purpose, without judgment. My close friend sent this text message on a day when she knew I was swamped.  It reminded me to be present. And, as I’m typing this, I am conscious of my son playing his cello (beautiful), my other son talking with a friend, and my daughter quietly studying with the click of her ice in her water bottle.  I so appreciate life!

4. You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.  I was out having wine with someone and I asked him, how he knew he was in love the first time and he gave me this fantastic quote from (who else!) Dr. Seuss.  Love this!

5. Avoid the happiness leeches in your life.  Dump them. This from the grocery checkout woman at the carpeted grocery store — don’t ask how we got on this subject!

6. Good people attract good people.  I heard this from someone after I told him that I’d met some really incredible people in my life.  I hope it’s true.

7. As I’ve gotten older, the brain cells that were judgmental have been destroyed and ones filled with acceptance have taken their place.  I said this to a friend who was lamenting getting older (and I was espousing all the advantages!)

The take aways?  I’m not totally sure.  But as I continue my journey here, for however long I get, I want to remember that just one statement can change a life, a direction.  One word (“love”) can fill you up for  a lifetime.  Listen for your messages this week.

Have a great start to your week!

 

My last 32 hours have been brutal (hence my not posting this morning).  But while my work day ended painfully, it also ended with a frank conversation that left me thinking – how can I be better today than I was yesterday?  Was today actually better than yesterday?

Yes, I’m constantly trying to grow and improve, but am I really leaving the past behind (I’m including yesterday as the past)?  Am I taking steps forward rather than walking (and looking) backwards?

I can easily get caught up in the status quo of my life.  And I can get stuck in the comfort of my “way” rather than looking at other options (which is so odd, because in my work life, I am exactly the opposite!).

This isn’t to say that things are falling apart, actually they’re not.  But am I really growing in the ways I want to grow?  Am I living my childhood rather than my future? Are my relationships (especially the tough ones) really moving forward?  Making progress?  Am I holding them and me back by looking at how the relationship was, rather than looking at what it (and I) can be?  Am I opening myself up to what the universe has to offer as opposed to staying closed and looking away?

Think about your marriage, your friendships? Do you judge them on the past or their potential in the future?

Look, I’m so far from perfect, it’s not even funny.  But have I set my bar too low for myself?  Have I just said, “you are good enough” as a way to avoid the hard work of growth (which is hard work, for sure!)?

For me, my best days are when I step outside myself (without fear), share my feelings and tell those I love, how much they mean to me (even when I’m super pissed at them!).  My best days are when I don’t judge myself and when I don’t make excuses.  They are when I act on those things that are important to me – outwardly act.  And, my best days are for sure after my kitchen is cleaned and the laundry is done (ok, I am human!).  🙂

So, my friends, I end my day back at the question: Was today better than yesterday? Was I better? Is my life just happening to me? Or, am I intentional about moving forward past yesterday to a better today?

Let’s choose to make the rest of our lives, the best of our lives.

Have a great night!

A few friends have gotten married recently (I didn’t get invited to George Clooney’s but I’d like to pretend he’s my friend too!) and it’s made me think about the institution I’ve avoided since my first one (and almost another) didn’t work.

In my most recent read, The Social Animal, New York Times columnist David Brooks says that “by far the most important decisions that persons will ever make are about whom to marry, and whom to befriend, what to love and what to despise, and how to control impulses.”   Yet, the skill of choosing a partner has often been treated as relatively unimportant in our society and I think this is why marriage ends so disappointingly for so many of us.

It’s frighteningly easy to choose the wrong person.  Attraction and chemistry are easily mistaken for love, but they are far from the same thing (I’ve got experience here).  Being attracted to someone is immediate and mostly subconscious. Staying in love with someone happens gradually and requires many conscious decisions made over a lifetime.

So, whether you’re currently married or not, I think you might get a few of these “lessons” and here’s what I’ll think about next (?) time around:

1. Never take him/her for granted.  Never get lazy with your partner.  I used to hear, “Why should I tell you I love you … you already know it.”  Never say that.

2. Always see the best.  Focus only on what you love. Be prepared for that thing to become an annoyance.  If it does, find something else to love!

3. It is not your job to change him/her.  You can only change yourself.

4. Find happiness inside you and bring it to the relationship.  Don’t ask the relationship to give happiness to you.

5. Get close to (not push away) your partner when he/she is at their worst.    Emotions come and go.  Some are not pretty.   Love (and hold) your partner through them.

6. Have fun. Laughter makes everything else easier.

7. Be present.  Give your time, focus, attention and your soul.  It’s not going to work all the time but make it your mission.

8. Have great sex. (Sorry kids, but it’s true).

9. Don’t make a big deal about mistakes and forgive immediately.  You’re not supposed to be perfect – just try not to be too stupid.

10. Allow for space.  Sometimes we’re doing too much and we need a special space for ourselves.  For me it’s getting up early and running.  We all need space to renew and re-center.

11. Be grateful.  There is nothing more loving than feeling grateful for what you have.  Give your relationship special billing.

I don’t know about you but I’m still taking classes on this subject.  In some, I’m getting an A. In others … well, I need a bit more work.  The important thing is to not worry about the grade, but to open to any new lessons that might arise from our mistakes.  We can make anything better if we set our mind to it!

Have a wonderful start to your week!