theyearsafter50

What is your life story?  How do you define yourself.  Just for a moment, consider all of the roles you have played so far in your life.   For me, it’s been daughter, sister, wife, student, mom, teacher, lawyer, friend.  These roles have been great, but they are not really who I am.  I’m more than just these labels which create my story.

While this is an issue for us adults (who are constantly working through our s***), I look at my kids and realize that they are often creating their story by the messages they receive from the outside world.  For example, I tell my boys that they should be leaders and to think of themselves that way.  I tell my daughter the same but I also remind her that she is “enough.”

And look at that.  While I’m targeting the message that each kid needs, look at the difference for the girl and the boys.  Why does she not feel “enough?”  Why is that not an issue for the boys?  Environment?  Society? Sad to me.

This is true for us too.  Often we identify ourselves by our current roles – our current environment, not the roles we want to have.  Why didn’t I put “writer” as one of my roles or “motivational speaker?”  I limit my story to what I’ve done thus far and what I’m sure I can do — not what I might want to do in the future — feels too risky!

We tend to limit our life stories by our roles and beliefs about ourselves. How about:  “I’m always going to have a ___ body.”  Or, I’m never going to look like _____.”   Or maybe even, “I’m never going to be successful.”  These beliefs eventually become reality.

Yet, why don’t we (and lets teach our children this) say to ourselves, “Is that belief about me really true? Or is it just a belief that limits who I am and can be?”  Can we separate out the negative stories about ourselves?  And create new, more positive ones?

Here’s a thought: You can take control of your own life story.

Although our stories are largely determined by our life circumstances and our personalities, we do have control over what we tell ourselves about our own lives. Even if we do take our stories from our environment, we are the ones putting the story together, right?

So ask yourself:  What’s my life story?  What am I trying to do here? How can I make my world a better place? How can I find positive from the not-so-positive. And, how am I going to look at my beliefs about who I am, examine and throw away the ones I don’t want, and create the life story I want others to tell about me when I’m gone?

Food for thought.

Have a fantastic weekend!

I’ve been very contemplative lately.  I think it’s because my daughter is now a senior and the boys (today) will join her as high schoolers.

Last week I was watching my guys play baseball and it hit me (so hard that I had to walk away from the game because I was crying) – my life really is changing (well,  I only have to look in the mirror to figure that out!)  But for some reason it’s really hitting home right now.

And, while I’ve got a bit of time before they all leave, I realized something important – their lives are their own, and not mine.

I’ve been driving kids, feeding kids and managing this household for a long time.  And, maybe that’s who I’ve become.  But at some point in the not-to-distant future, that will not be my life any more.  And, who will I become then?  Jessica the full-time lawyer?  Jessica the writer?  Jessica the person who finally learns to relax?  Will I be married?  Single?  Drinking more wine?

Some of you have done this before.  How did you do it?  You all look like you survived! 🙂

I’m clearly moving toward a different phase of life — like it or not.  And, it’s time to start thinking of my next adventure, while my kids begin to embark on theirs.  Honestly, as scary as it sounds, it’s also exciting … and inevitable.  And, it’s time to start planning!

I’m already teary eyed about watching my boys graduate from 8th grade today.  They are just the young men I hoped they would be and I’m looking forward to watching them move gracefully (I hope!) into the upper school with their sister – for one more year of them all being together.    Congrats guys!

And to my little girl – don’t even let me get started on what you’ve done and accomplished  … I’ll be crying for hours/days/weeks next year when your big day comes.  I might even start today … 🙂

Have a wonderful day everyone!

My kids and I were listening to music last night as we cleaned the house and these lyrics caught my attention:

Even if it makes others uncomfortable
I wanna love who I am
Even if it makes others uncomfortable
I will love who I am

I’m in my 50’s now (eek!) and I feel so much more comfortable with myself – flaws and all, than when I was more “perfect” in my 20’s!  Why couldn’t I be this way when I was younger?  I had the same flaws (or negative tapes) back then: control issues, not happy with my hair, always wanted a different body, wished I was smart(er), taller, shorter, etc.  Yet, here I am, at my advancing age, finally understanding that I need to love who I am – imperfections and all!

I remember those days of wanting to be like all the other girls and I wasn’t.  Looking back I wish someone had told me that different is ok and that conformity is not for everyone. That it’s perfectly fine to explore what the heart wants and to tune out the rest of the world long enough to build a relationship with yourself – to know yourself.

Here’s why we don’t know it in our 20’s:  Knowing yourself is not a sprint.  As Oscar Wilde once said, “To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance.” It takes years of face-to-face experiences with our self-doubts and flaws.  It means learning and respecting our life values, our beliefs, our personality, our priorities, our moods, our mistakes, our habits, our body and our relationships.

“It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.” – Agnes Repplier

What does self-love and acceptance look like?

Self-love is not easy to define.  It’s not egotistical.  It’s not boastful.  It’s being glad to have what you have, being thankful for who you are, how you look and what you bring to the table.

Self-loving people focus on allowing happiness into their lives and sharing it with others. They treat themselves well but not to the detriment of others.  The don’t mistreat people. And, this is difficult for me, people with self-love put themselves first even when it means having to put someone a close second.

How are we going to practice self-love today?

Remind yourself of this:

• Who you are is more important than what you are or what you have.
• You are valuable. Nothing you do, wear or say can change that.
• What you want always matters. Always.

One of the great joys in life is when we begin to unfold into the exact person we were meant to be.   So, today (and every day) let’s follow the great mantra from the movie The Help —

“You is kind. You is smart. You is important.”

Have a fantastic start to your week!

This is a guest blog from my daughter.  It is portions of her final essay on Kushner’s Angels in America.  I loved it!

People orbit around a central force, mainly our own comforts. These comforts can consist of our religion, our beliefs about what protects us, and in some cases, our addictions. We feel a gravitational pull toward each one of these things, and to venture away from them is terrifying, so when we do leave our orbits of comfort we need thick skins in order to protect us from the world.

Life changes us whether we like it or not, but what Kushner pushes us to understand is that realizing when to accept change is crucial to physical and emotional growth.  Via Harper’s line “people are like planets, [they] need a thick skin,” Kushner suggests that a person’s protection can be damaging if it doesn’t allow for them to grow. [I agree.]

[Kushner’s book] illustrates how a person’s refusal to change can be damaging to personal growth and development in relationships. [Louis,] someone who runs away from adversity, is unwilling to change himself when his life is falling apart; instead, he blames others and his surroundings.

Change is hard, and looking to the past for the feeling of comfort is so appealing because no one wants to give up safety. But Kushner [allows us to see] that when you look primarily to the past, to what is known, you are not open to new ideas; however, if you turn to the future, to what is unknown, you allow yourself to grow and look for new ideas.

Harper, especially, exemplifies this because her life is damaged by her addiction and loveless marriage, but she realizes that in order to be saved she must change herself rather than try to fix her surroundings.  Although her loveless marriage and addiction are comforting in a way, we see that they are harmful to her growth as a person and damaging to her health, so she is willing to fly away from her old self and life to salvage hope for a healthy life.

Prior, like Harper, is willing to accept change because he knows that it will be better for him in the long term, and even in adversity and facing the threat of death, he teaches us to always choose more life, even when it involves completely altering our mindsets.

[So, lets] embrace life for what it is, which is hard, painful, annoying and difficult, but [also] beautiful, exciting and magnificent. This is something that each character in this play moves towards realizing. Through each character Kushner tries to teach us different lessons like accepting change or realizing when our skin, our established comfort, becomes suffocating.  Inevitably these lessons tie back to choosing more life [than comfort.]

XOXO Lovie – thanks for letting me share this.

Have a great weekend everyone!

I don’t want to say that life was better when I was growing up, but maybe it was simpler.  Back then we could be out at night without much of a worry — there weren’t the same dangers and fears.

A few weeks back I was coming home late from work.  My drive goes through the same not-so-great neighborhood each time. A few times I’ve seen the same young boy – walking alone with a back pack in this neighborhood.  One time I saw a truck pull up next to him, give him something and drive away.  Last week I saw him and the truck again but this time I was not ready to drive home.

Let me back up: this is a cute boy 10-12 years old.  He’s still got that baby look.  When I’ve seen him before, I’ve wondered how his mom let him be alone in that neighborhood, at that time of day.

This last time, after the truck drove away, I slowly drove up next to him.  I rolled down the window.  He looked in at me and kept walking.  He looked so young.  I told him that I often come home from work this same way and that I would be nervous if my kids were walking home this same time and same location.  No response and kept walking (good … don’t talk to strangers, I’m thinking).

I keep slowing driving next to him and ask if he needs a ride.  It’s now starting to drizzle.  He says “No, thanks.”  I ask him if that “truck” will be coming back to get him, and he says “No.” I ask if his backpack needed to stay dry.  He said it’s just “stuff” for his mom.  It’s “fine,” he says.  (“Fine” is the universal teenage word for “back off!”).

The rain is really starting to come down now but he won’t get in the car.  I ask him if he will please take my umbrella. He stops and nods his head yes.  I give him the umbrella, the bag of popcorn in my car (I’m Italian and always have food with me!) and $20.00.  He looks suspicious but takes it all anyway.  I tell him to remember that he can make something of himself some day.  No response.  He walks away with my umbrella.  I’m left to drive home.

My heart still feels sad.  When I arrived I got my usual greeting and “how was your day,” from my kids.  I realized at that moment that the boy didn’t choose where he was born and neither did mine … yet, look how different (unfairly so) their worlds are.  I don’t know if the truck was a drug dealer or he was delivering groceries (likely not).  Maybe I’m making a huge assumption – I hope so.  But – no matter – it seems to me that life is a bit more complicated now. Deep sigh. 

Keep your eyes open today.  And, be thankful.

 

We all want to change the world, right?  To make a difference that people remember?

Last week a friend said to me that we can’t change the world, but we can change our world.  I didn’t really understand that  …. why can’t we change the world?  Yet, as I thought about it, he’s partially right.  It’s true that a few people can change the world (look at your iPhone), and certainly the people we celebrated yesterday, changed the world.

But for most of us pedestrians, we won’t invent the next big thing … but, can we change the world in a different way?

When I was a kid, my grandfather told me a story about two men walking on the beach. They both saw a whole bunch of fish washed ashore. The fish kept trying to get back to the water. There were too many to save so one man just kept walking, figuring it was a lost cause. The other man began to throw them back one at a time because he realized that while he couldn’t change the whole problem, he could make a difference for a few.  This is what I’m talking about!

But, its overwhelming … so how do we get started?

1. “If you can’t feed a hundred people, then feed just one.” Mother Teresa  Making a difference doesn’t have to be an enormous task.  It can be one small contribution at a time.  The key is having the desire to make a difference.

2. “How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.” Anne Frank   At any moment you can do something … what counts is your effort.

3. “Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.” Buddha  Happiness and love are two of the greatest gifts you can give to the world.  Share them without thinking and you will change the world.

4. “Abilities wither under criticism; they blossom under encouragement.” Dale Carnegie  Love this!  Support others to do changing.

5. “If you have time to whine and complain about something then you have the time to do something about it.” – Anthony J. D’Angelo  Agreed.

Mahatma Gandhi said in his famous quote — “Be the change you want to see in the world.”  This is so true.  You need to change yourself first. Be the person that forgives first.  Treat yourself (and others) with love and care.  Have you ever noticed that when you change yourself in a positive way, the world around you changes?  When you are happy, those around you are happy?

I think it really can be just that easy ….

Have a great day!

 

Yesterday I was standing in line at yet another grocery store and was chatting with a woman.  She just turned 78 and she was widowed (don’t even ask me how we got to that level of conversation!).  She said that she had a few regrets in life.  One was not going to law school … she wanted to but her husband wanted her to raise children.  The second, was that she stayed married to a man who loved her but didn’t really respect her.  She said she didn’t realize it would be a regret until he died a few years back.  Sad.

It got me thinking: we can all have regrets about “things” we don’t do in life but are there things I can change now to avoid a regret later?  Yes.

1. Worrying about what others think: We all have different masks we wear.  I get that.  But sometimes we spend too much time worrying about impressing others or looking a certain way.  We should not fear judgment by others if we know in our hearts who we really are.

2. Not choosing your own dreams:  The woman I met – she had this regret.  She let her husband pick his dream not hers.  A big life challenge is to figure out who we are, what we want and then to go get it.

3. Being with angry people:  Being with angry people is a choice, not an obligation.  Remember that.

4. Being selfish:  The ones we admire the most are the ones who shared themselves.  This is a struggle because on the one hand we need to do for ourselves. But on the other hand, what we do for ourselves, dies with us. What we do for others, remains forever. Give when you can.

5. Avoiding change and growth: I wonder if this will be a regret of mine.  I don’t love change, but it’s constantly happening to me.  Someone once told me that if I want to know what my future will look like, look at my present choices.  Likely true.

6. Micromanaging:  This is also tough for me.  Some times I have so much going on that it’s easier to manage it than just let it be.  But, I need to let the dust kick up and settle all on its own.  I need to remember that it will all work out, no matter how we get there.

7. Thinking you deserve less than you do: It is easy to settle for less.  But, don’t do it.  Look around you and if it doesn’t look right, rub your eyes and look at it again.  Make a change.

8. Waiting for tomorrow: We do this all the time when we’re younger.  And at that point in life there’s a lot of time in front of us.  But we eventually get older and realize that waiting is not living.  I wish I could help my kids see that now.

Friends, lets deal with our potential regrets now.  It’s a lot easier! 🙂

Have a great holiday weekend!

Some things are inevitable.  Death is one of them.  Yet, it is the thing we are least prepared for in life.  With any change, we wonder how we will get there, how it will look, how we will feel.

My good friend said goodbye to her husband yesterday and my heart breaks just thinking about it.  We all find a way to move forward yet sometimes it’s incredibly bumpy.  I have no wisdom here only love for all of us who have and will go through this inevitable process.

Change of this magnitude always reminds me of this poem”Autobiography In Five Short Chapters” by Portia Nelson:

I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost … I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.

II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place
but, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit.
my eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V

I walk down another street.

To my darling friend: Take your time walking down the street.  We are all here for you.

XO

For those of you who live here in Minneapolis, it rained all day yesterday.  I don’t usually mind the rain, but it was cold and I have transitioned to my summer clothes — which made yesterday a bit chilly.

I had a meeting in St. Paul in the morning and drove over there.  No radio.  No talking to anyone.  Just the sound of the wipers and the rain beating on my car.  Here’s what I was thinking about:

Someday, I will hear my last rain fall.  I have no idea when it will be.  I hope it’s a long time from now.  But even if it isn’t, I enjoyed yesterday’s rain.  It was difficult to see at times and I had to concentrate, but it was, in a way, peaceful. It was washing away the dirt from the melting of the snow.  It was washing the dust from my car after a weekend at the ball field.  And, it felt like it was washing over me.

When I got to my destination, I sat in my car for a bit.  No radio.  No talking to anyone.  No wipers.  Just the sound of the rain beating on my car.  Here’s what I thought this time:

Thank you.  Thanks for the chance to hear the rain.  Thanks for the quiet moment.  Yes, just plain, Thank You.

I don’t say that enough.  And, I’m not sure who I’m saying it to.  I guess there will come a day, after my last rainfall, when I’ll know if I’m saying it to anyone but me.  But, until that time, I’m going to say it more often – if for no other reason than it’s a good reminder to be thankful.

Even a dark and rainy day can be an inspiration.

Have a peaceful day.

 

Here’s my crinkled up note in myself (in my wallet) that I thought I’d share with you today.  I try to replace these once every few months.  This one’s been there longer than that!

Today is a new day.

A fresh start.

Smile – and mean it.

Replace negativity with positivity.

Think happy thoughts.

Run (or Walk)

Drink lots of water.

Fill your body with good fuel.

Be open.

Be transparent.

Inspire yourself and others.

Laugh.

Love.

Learn.

Give someone a compliment.

Make a new friend.

Love an old one.

Do a random act of kindness.

Take a chance on something you are afraid of.

Live your day to the fullest.

But no matter what’s thrown at you today, smile and remember, there’s always tomorrow. 🙂

Have a great start to your week!