theyearsafter50

“We need to learn to set our course by the stars, not by the lights of every passing ship.”  Omar Nelson Bradley

Every day, there are so many details to be managed.  So many distractions. So many demands placed upon us. No wonder we end up allowing other people and circumstances to set the agendas for our lives.  I’ve done it.  You’ve done it.  It’s almost a given — almost acceptable, right?

No.  It’s not acceptable because letting circumstances dictate our lives ignores our own big picture.

We know a few things for sure.  1. The time here is finite.  2. You don’t want someone else producing your life show.  3. You know the key is to figure out what makes life meaningful for you.

This weekend I talked with someone at the gas station.  She had to pay for her gas inside (as did I because I wanted a gas station treat!) and she told me that the only way she can afford gas money is cleaning houses (she bought $14.55 in gas).  And, the reason she needs gas money is so she can take classes at the local college and become a nurse.  And, the reason she wants to be a nurse is so she can help others and be independent herself!  That’s some big picture.  Oh, she’s 22 years old.

This young woman was connecting her dreams to reality in a big picture way.

I had a dream.  I wrote it down five years ago.  I hid it because I never thought it could be a reality.   I wanted two things: First, a life away from a negative situation.  Second, I wanted to work with like-minded people.  I kept that big picture in mind.  I never thought I’d get there.  I really thought I was stuck forever but I didn’t let go of the dream.

I just want to remind all of you (and me and my kids), that we shouldn’t sell ourselves short.  And, I mean it when I say, if you can think of it you can achieve it. 

So, do something every single day to bring yourself closer to making your big picture a reality.  If you don’t know what you want from life – start dreaming.  Say no to those things that pull you away from your dreams.  Have goals that give you the courage and strength to resist being swayed by the agendas of others.  Those people who dictate your life and how you feel about yourself, are almost always wrong because they are seeing it all through their own life filter – not yours.

This is your life.  Your big picture.  You must be the star to have a box office smash hit.  And, please let’s all remind ourselves that the only regrets we should ever have (and I hope you have none) are those we chose – not the ones we let someone else choose for us.  When we choose our life’s path, there really are no regrets.

Have a great start to your week!

 

 

After a friend berated me (lovingly) for not writing for so long, she asked me where I’ve been. She said that my posts have helped her stand up for herself, take chances and take care of herself.  And she missed me.  (sweet!)

I’d been thinking about this, berating myself for taking a writing break  – wondering what was “wrong” with me.  Eventually I realized that leaving (what I thought was) the comfort of a big firm, going out on my own and creating a business from the ground up was physically and mentally exhausting.  It took all the juice I had in me. But this blog is not about where I was. That’s history. I’m going a different direction now.

Last week I ran into someone from long ago.  We were different people back then. He drank too much and smoked too much.  I was searching to find myself.  It was well before law school and even before I’d finished college.  Sometime between then and now he hit bottom.  DWI, jail and failed relationships.  Today, he has his masters.  He counsels young adults on just what he experienced.  He’s found his life’s mission.

I wondered aloud about why we have to go through so much s*** to get to where we’re going.  His message was powerful:

“Jess, I see a lot of pain in life. So many people who are in emotional or physical pain. We need each other and we need to hold one another’s pain as precious. And, when we do, we’ll find our own safe place with a clear view of our life’s direction.”

Later, as was thinking of him, I realized that I had tears streaming down my face.  What I loved about this guy back then was how good he was inside.  That’s the kind of goodness that never leaves – no matter your direction.  Then, as if coming from someone standing next to me, my inner voice said:

Sometimes, we feel as though we’re riding our bicycle backwards. We feel like we’re backtracking and heading in the wrong direction, but really what’s happening is that, just like a sling shot, the universe is getting ready to shoot us  forward.  You have to go backwards so that you can go even farther forward!

Yes!  For years I was riding backwards.  I could see it was backwards but I let the bike control me.  Then, last year, I asked the universe to get me the f*** off that backward bike.  I wanted to go a different direction.  And lo and behold (and with the support of others), my bike is going an entirely different direction!

Maybe you feel like your bike is going backward.  If so, let it go for a bit.  Feel it.  And, when you are absolutely sick of that freaking direction ask the universe to get in gear and get you off.  Think about it. Put it out there.  I bet the results will be amazing!

Thanks for putting up with my absence.

XOXO

I had a dream the other night and out of it came the following life lessons:

1. The s*** I worry about is not going to happen. Here’s the real truth: It’s the s*** I have no idea about that will blind side me.  So, why worry about stupid stuff.  It’s not likely to happen and it’s taking up valuable real estate.

2. Never let an argument last. Never hold a grudge, it will make your heart heavy. Say you’re sorry even when you don’t want to.

3. If you think you’ve got grit – and act as if you have grit – you have it.  If I tell myself that I just can’t do ______ (fill in the blank), then I might as well tell my kids just to let their minds allow them to give up because that’s what I do when I don’t believe in myself.

4. Money is the not the root of all evil – fear is.  Money can’t make us happy but self-sufficiency gives us the freedom to share.

5. If you don’t like what someone else says to you, you can walk away. But if you don’t like what you say to yourself, you can’t walk away. So, since you have a lifetime with you, be nice to yourself.

6. What others think really doesn’t matter.  I spent many years listening to someone tell me that I wasn’t worthy.  I thought that what the person thought of me mattered.  Here’s the rule: What you think of you is all that matters.   Go with your gut on this one.  You’ll thank yourself later.

7.  Gratitude is an acquired taste.  When it comes down to it, gratitude is a skill that we need to learn. We’re not born understanding how to be grateful, appreciative, and thankful.  If you have gratitude in your heart, use it.   If you see someone who doesn’t have it help them learn it.  

8. Have a lot of relationships.  Every relationship teaches us something about love, trust, forgiveness, setting boundaries, taking care of ourselves and taking care of each other. Sometimes the “bad” relationships teach you more than the “good” ones.

9. Everyone has the right to choose their own path.  We have to let go of thinking we know what’s right for people.

10. Shake up your life once in a while.  It will keep you awake.

11. Remember the lessons from your mother.  Those lessons came from the most sacred kind of love that exists. 

12. Remember, the source of most of our frustrations and anxiety are the result of living in the future or the past.  And, neither is now.

13.  Our biggest flaw is not admitting our flaws.  Perfect for #13.

14. Love is the ultimate expression of life.  Give it out as often as you can. Don’t worry about getting it back.  You will.

I must say, the dream was intense, colorful and real.  The lessons were even better.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend!

I’ve had such a hard time writing these last few days because I’ve been spending a lot of time walking back and forth (figuratively) on the ledge of a cliff.  Debating with myself all along about what I was doing, whether I was crazy, how was I going to jump, what was my landing going to look like — and generally letting fear get in my way.  Yesterday, I took a leap of faith and jumped off the cliff (was it my own self imposed cliff?).  I’m still here to write about it.  In fact, I feel amazing!

As many of you know this is my second jump in the last 10 months (and, I have one more in October – but we can talk about that later!).  The first one I’d contemplated for years.  I’d made many attempts to jump back then, but I never could because my negative self-talk (and a negative environment) overwhelmed me.  I used to tell myself that I wasn’t “good enough” to jump.  That it was “safer” to stay with the unhealthy known than to try the healthy unknown.  As expected, I’m now looking back and asking myself – “What the f*&^ took you so long?”  

This time, instead of waiting years and listening to my same negative self-talk, I began to realize that the only thing standing in the way of me — was me.  

We prevent our own growth and change.

When I first thought about the idea of taking a leap of faith, I wasn’t sure how I felt about the use of the word “faith.”  How would that fit with my spiritual views?  Did I have to be “religious” to use the word?  

After much thought, I realized that faith is just a belief without evidence.  I decided it was having trust and confidence in myself.  To believe that I have the ability to handle and survive and thrive with any life change.  Let’s be honest: no matter what changes we’re facing –  it can be terrifying.

Yet, I want to take chances. Because while its scary to leave what’s safe, it’s even more frightening to contemplate a life unfulfilled.  And at the end, we have two life lists: All the things we actually did and all the things we wish happened.

I’m glad I jumped yesterday.  I’ve got a long road ahead of me and it too will be filled with change, hard work and uncertainty.  But it will also be filled with the lovely feeling that I can make changes in my life and still survive (and thrive!).

If you’re thinking about a change in some area of your life (and you should), no matter how big or small, remember that we (really our fears) are the biggest obstacle to our own change.  And that cliff you are peering over … it’s only that big when you’re looking down!

Fear less, hope more, eat less, chew more, whine less, breathe more, talk less, say more, hate less, love more, and good things will be yours. Swedish Proverb

Have an amazing day!

 

 

 

Someone told me about this phrase recently – never heard of it – and I wanted to share it with you. Cosmic sweetness are those moments of sincere gratitude.  That hug, which for a split second takes you to another place. Or, that beautiful sunset that no matter how many pictures you take, it doesn’t describe the feeling you have inside.  It’s that moment when you feel the grace of just being here.

Life gives us every reason to be negative.  There’s always some insanity going on.  But let’s be honest – there’s always something to be grateful for.  These beautiful happenings – these moments of cosmic sweetness – can make a day completely different.  These moments allow us to move away from whatever painful events we’re experiencing and feel blessed for what we do have.

Here are some moments of cosmic sweetness we can all experience:

1. The moment when we find ourselves comfortable in our own shoes.  We’re all weird in some way. What seems weird (our imperfections) is often what makes us so incredible to others. Love yourself.

2. The moment you realize you can listen to your inner voice. Sometimes our mind needs more time to accept what our heart already knows. I found myself a witness to my thoughts the other day, not a judge. It was wonderful.

3. The moment you make a difference in someone’s life. Last week I helped a woman up off the ground after she tripped.  Her hug afterwards reached my soul.

4.  When you realize that the thing you were most the afraid of was just negative talk.  There’s glory in conquering fear.  Fear is a feeling, not a fact.

5. The moment when you actually let go of something. You never lose something good by hanging on.  You only lose that which you didn’t need.

6. That moment when you realize that a particular relationship makes you a better person.  Surround yourself with people who make you better and cherish every moment of your time together.  Someday you’ll be just a memory. Do your best to be a great one.

7. The feeling of true love. True love is not about how many days, months or years you’ve been with someone. True love is about how much you actually love each other every day.

8. The moment of a new beginning.  Every ending is the beginning of something else. Every exit is an entry somewhere else. As long as you are breathing, it’s never too late. Every day is a new opportunity.

9. The moment.  However it happens, becoming and being a mother or father is discovering strengths you didn’t know you had and dealing with fears you never knew existed.  There are moments of cosmic sweetness written all over parenthood.

10. The second we realize that WE create our own happiness.  Someday we will miss today.  So, be busy enjoying the cosmic sweetness of today.  And when you do, you’ll have no time for negative self-talk, hate, regret or fear.

Have an amazing one!

 

 

This is the statement from one of my boys, feeling particularly bad about losing an “item” last week. My response:  “Sometimes I think you lose things because you’re not present.”  I know what I’m talking about here — I’ve not been present for weeks.

Last week I went to the grocery store for two items.  I had them on a post it on the back of my phone, “just in case” I forgot them.  What did I do?  I forgot to look at the phone.  I forgot the items.  And, I forgot them the next three times I went to the store.  Why?  I’m not present.  I’m thinking about a million things — other than the task at hand.

How many times have you sat down to read something, only to realize that you don’t remember the last page because you were preoccupied with your thoughts?  Or, you drove somewhere only to notice that you can’t recall actually driving there?

The act of taking control of our thinking and our internal dialog is what allows us to be present and stay in the moment.  Let’s remember that we don’t need to be present every moment of every day.  And, we’re never going to stop our minds from wandering.  So, let’s not set ourselves up for that expectation.

We’re busy. We live with an amount of activity that would make our grandparents’ eyes roll back into their heads.  We travel more miles in a week than they would in a year. Unfortunately we often lose ourselves in the busyness of our lives.  We miss our priorities (and our s*** at the grocery store).

I think we (I) need a few “mantras” to be present this week:

1. “My life is perfect just the way it is.”  It requires no improvement.  I’m ok – I’m better than ok.  Love what you have at the moment and celebrate it.

2. “I can question obligations.”  There’s nothing that I need to do and nothing I should do.  But there are many things that I can and want to do.   I’ll decide.  I won’t let guilt decide for me.

3. “I can forgive the past.”  Nothing holds us back from being present like the past.  Forgiveness is a personal choice.  And, it’s freeing.

4. “I’m going to dream big and work hard today.”  There’s no better moment to accomplish your goals than right now. I find planning to be motivating.  But, things don’t always happen as we predict. So, don’t put all your eggs in the planning basket.  Leave something to chance!

5. “The best time to be present is when I’m surrounded by love.”  Love can really only be experienced when you are fully present.

So, let’s remind ourselves that being present is the most precious gift of all and it’s a gift that only you can give yourself.

Given how far off the ground my feet seem to be these days, I’m going to have to implement my “mantras” asap!

Have a great start to your week!

 

 

On two different occasions, I met two different women.  The first I met at the health club almost two years ago.  She had the warmest and calmest feeling about her.  She told me the story of the love of her life – her husband.  He was an amazing man, father, doctor and partner.  He died suddenly of a heart attack about 8 years ago.  In a split second, that life was over.

About four months ago, I met another woman.  She was with a group I was out to dinner with.  She’d been married for years to a man I knew.  He was not a nice person.  He had many addictions, including other women, and it all happened right in front of her.  He treated her badly for years and we all wondered how she stayed for so long.  When he died (of too much of his life), that lifetime was over for her.

As we left dinner, she told me that she’d met a man.  She was having so much passion (with a capital P!), lots of sex and so much fun that she eventually sold her house and moved in with him. She was giddy as a schoolgirl and you couldn’t help but feel the same way for her.

Sometime after meeting the second woman, I was at the health club talking to woman No. 1, who mentioned to me that she’d met someone new too  And, while they still have their separate homes and separate lives, they travel together, spend time with friends and genuinely enjoy being together. A different kind of passion than the second woman.

As No. 1 was talking to me she said, “Hey, I heard you met my sister at dinner a few months back.  And, she told you about her new boyfriend!  She said you were lovely to listen to her entire story.”   OMG! These two women were sisters?  I had no freaking idea.

Isn’t life amazing?  One’s years of suffering was met with the joy of a fulfilling relationship – just what she missed all those years she endured such a narcissistic relationship.  The other’s wonderful and first (likely only) marriage was not replaced but enhanced by her new partner.

I guess life is about trust.  And, trust is about being afraid and moving forward anyway. Trust is believing that it will work out before you see the evidence.

I’m always surprised (and comforted) that when I am in the middle of darkness and have no idea how life will turn out – simply having trust and a vision for my life will give me freedom from my fear of the unknown.  

I’m so happy for these two women.  How amazing that they both found the love they each needed – in the way they needed.  I think I’ll add a bit of blind trust to my life and see what happens.  One never knows what might turn up!

Have a great weekend!

What’s this about us losing our brain cells as we get older?  I don’t believe it and I certainly don’t believe it when my kids so lovingly say to me, “Mom, your short-term memory is s***!”  Nope! I’m getting smarter as I get older.  I’ll prove it.  

1. My hemispheres are communicating.
Our brain has two hemispheres and studies show that young people only use one side and us “middle-aged” and “older” people like to fire up both at the same time.  Hey, we’ve learned to communicate in our brains. Take that youngsters – you got about 30 years of learning to “communicate!”

2. My big brain is getting bigger.
We gain weight as we get older and that weight gain is our brain! Scientists have shown that we not only hang on to our neurons as we get older, we grow new ones.  And, the brain is continually reshaping itself … even for us AARP-qualifying folks!  Point #2 (kicking a** now, right?).

3. My bigger brain is making better decisions. 
According to a study prepared for the Brookings Institute, middle-aged people make smarter money decisions than their younger counterparts.  Right?  Just give a kid a credit card and see what the freak happens! 

4. I’m wearing my rose-colored glasses all the time.
The world looks better as we get older.  We just generally feel more positive and have greater emotional stability (except when we’re sitting in the passenger seat as our kids are learning to drive!).  I’m on this one like white on rice!

5. We’ve got the “it” factor.
“Mature adults” understand themselves much better and we get “it” – the flaws, the need to let go and the strength to solve interpersonal problems with less drama.  In fact, as we get older we’re even able to size people up in a more accurate way. How cool is that??

6. We gain control of our emotions.
Don’t you say, “Glad I’m not in my teens/20’s/30’s … ”  Young people live a roller coaster of emotions.  We’re more even-keeled.  We know how to regulate our emotions and enjoy the ups and downs without melting into a puddle on the floor (Ok, not all the time, but sometimes I can do this!).

7. I’ll have another “experience” on the rocks.
By “midlife” we’ve accumulated hundreds of experiences that help us gracefully move from one crisis to another.  In fact, we have a name for drawing on our experience and it’s called wisdom.  Kids, can you spell w-i-s-d-o-m? 

Yup, I’m getting older and I’m ignoring anyone (kids, are you reading this???) who thinks I’m not getting smarter as I move along in years.  And anyway, why would anyone try to mess with or argue to an old woman like me? I’ve still got the credit cards! 🙂

Have a great day my youngster friends!

 

Last week I met someone.  A single someone who talked with me about his partner who died.  When they met, they couldn’t get married.  And when they could, they decided that they had such a good thing, they didn’t see the need for anything different, just because the law finally changed.

He told me that they were soul mates.  That it was a difficult road initially but once they finally let go of their egos (and they both had them), their life was more than they could have hoped for. Then he died.  Suddenly.  And here he was, talking to me, now single again.

I had to ask if he had any regrets.  Because as we all know, our life decisions are either based on love or fear.  So, when we look back, we want our decisions to be based on the former because we’ll have regrets if we base our actions on fear.  Right?  He had none. Not even the decision not to get married.  That decision  was based on love.

This reminded me of something I read recently – a study by Bronnie Ware, a palliative caretaker who looked at those heavy days when people are close to leaving us.  She examined what were the biggest life regrets.  You know, if you were to die today, what would be your paramount regret?

Here’s her list:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. 

2. I wish I didn’t work so hard. 

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings. 

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. 

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier. 

Of course, it’s never too soon (!) to make changes – regardless of your health.  And, my conversation with this person was a good reminder to me.  Don’t live (or die) with regrets. 

Before we parted, I told him about my life, what’s happened to me thus far, and where (I think) I’m going.  He reminded me that it’s so easy for us to love one another when we’re at our best.  But those who truly love you – they will love you and treat you as valuable to their life even when you’re not at your best.

But the best of all, he said, is when you meet someone when you’re at your worst, and they still respect and love you.  Now those are the best friends/lovers of all.  That’s what he had with his partner.  And, with a hug, he said that’s what I’ll have too.  How wonderful of him.  What an amazing way to spend an hour.  So, I wanted to share that hour with you.

Friends, let’s live just one day this weekend without any regrets!  Love without fear.  Express your feelings.  Try something new.  Give someone a hug that will last forever.  And take a moment just for yourself.

XOXO

 

 

 

Voltaire said, “When you listen, you have power. When you talk, you give it away.” I’ve been without a voice for three days now (I think it’s coming back).  And, other than being completely exhausting, the experience has changed the way I communicate.  And, it’s given me a greater connection with those in my life. In our love relationships, greater communication brings greater intimacy. Parents listening to their kids helps build their self-esteem. In the business world, listening saves time and money by preventing misunderstandings. And we always learn more when we listen than when we talk. I’ve been with people where most of my time was spend nodding my head or just listening to them go on and on about themselves.  And when those times arose, I often found myself checking out – bored and thinking about my own “stuff.”  I could have done the same this week because I literally could only listen for the last three days.  But, this week (because I had no choice), I decided to actively listened in these ways: 1. Face the speaker and maintain eye contact. Because I couldn’t yell down the stairs, I had to walk right up to the child I wanted to do something, I would touch him/her and direct with eye contact.  Look at those who are speaking to you and make eye contact. The connection is amazing (especially with strangers). 2. Minimize distractions.  Because it was so hard to hear me, I had to turn off all the noise in order to communicate.  I also had to put my phone down and those close to me had to do the same. 3. Respond to show that you understand.  I couldn’t say much so I had to choose my words wisely. Instead of “uh-huh” and “um-hmm.” I’d raise my eyebrows and would say something like,  “What happened next?”  This allowed for deeper conversations. 4. Minimize internal distractions. It’s easy to let your own thoughts get in the way of listening.  I made a point of letting those thoughts go and continuously re-focusing my attention on the speaker.  I really learned so much more than if I’d been in my head. 5. Keep an open mind.  I disagreed less because I didn’t have the energy to try to talk.  That resulted in my learning more about what the person was talking about. 6. Don’t say what you’d do.  We often tell people how we would have handled a particular situation.  Unless someone is actually asking for advice, they just want to be heard and acknowledged. Ironically, as I listened more, I had a better aptitude for conversation.  In fact, a friend complimented me on my conversational skills and I hadn’t said more than four words – yet, I listened for 15 minutes!   I hope none of you picks up this bug.  But if you do, use it as an opportunity to re-engage your listening skills.  You will make everyone around you feel better – and you’ll learn something in the process! Have a great day!