theyearsafter50

It’s difficult sometimes to be ok right where you’re at.  I find this topic in my mind every time I go to yoga.  It’s usually a time where I get quiet, try to be present, find my breath and remember that as difficult as it is to admit at times – I’m right where I’m supposed to be.

That’s my message to you today — where you are right now is the perfect place. There’s no question that easy or difficult, happy or sad, there’s a lesson (or two) in the experience you are having right now.  And that lesson(s) will have an impact on your destiny.

One of my favorite quotes is from an unknown author: “What screws us up the most in life is the picture in our head of how it is supposed to be.”  So profound. This, my friends, has been my downfall before and likely will be in the future.  You too?  We’re human.

It’s not that we shouldn’t expect things, hope for situations or plan ahead.  It just means that we need to be flexible.  That sometimes we will go one direction and while we’re heading the direction we thought we were supposed to go, we ended up being forced to go a new direction.  But we are flexible, we are resilient and even when (we think) the bottom falls out we have the ability to get back up, dust off and try again.

So, I just wanted to send a quick note on this day of love.  As you know, my word is Love.  At my funeral I fully anticipate my children will say, “She was totally in love with love.”  But it’s really about being ok right now.  No matter where you are or who you are with (or not), there’s love all around you.    🙂

XOXO

Love, Me

 

 

Funny, right?  She’s thin but sees fat.  He’s fat but sees a body builder.  The theme here is we don’t see ourselves.  We see something else.

While a coincidence, (Valentine’s Day and a the release of a movie which harms a woman’s self-image) – we’ve got a new mantra in our house – Love Yourself!

It’s our mantra because almost no one likes what they see when they look in the mirror.  I know that this is less true for men than women but it really affects us all – whether you are the spouse of someone who feels this way, a parent of someone who feels this way or (quite likely) you feel this way.  We need to start loving who we are inside!  Perfect or not, what’s on the outside is the body we’ve got and we need to give it support, love and acceptance.  When we love it – it becomes lovable.

So, in keeping with our family quest to learn to love what we have, here are the  things we’re trying to practice (and say) at home:

1. Our Body Is Our Best Friend.  Our body is our faithful servant.  It tries to do almost anything we ask of it.  Yes, we’re limited by genetics, how we feel emotionally and our environment.  But, it still tries, no matter what and it’s all we have.  So treat it as if it was your best friend.  Love it up whenever you can. Your body is amazing just as it is!

2. Stand Up Tall.  My father used to drive me crazy with the posture thing!  But, let’s be honest, we all have a roll around the middle if we’re slouching.   When you stand tall and proud you have a certain attitude.  You send a message to others and most importantly to you, that you’re beautiful (and you are!).  Be proud.  Stand tall!

3. Feed Your Body.  Yes, you can feed your body just soda and chips and it will still try to make it on that.  But is that how you want to feed that which you love?  If you give it beautiful food, it will feel beautiful.  Try it for one day and see how you feel!  (P.S.  dark chocolate is beautiful food!)

4. Work Out. No brainer. A brisk walk is perfect.  Love the endorphins!

5. Say It Out Loud.   It’s an art, but if you can turn those negative thoughts into positive ones, it will show on the outside and you’ll be amazed at how many people you’ll attract who need that same positive energy in their life!

Let’s make peace with our bodies. Let’s stop trying to change the outside.  And, for sure let’s enjoy the inevitable changes as we get older.    I promise – when you start loving and nurturing YOU (and surround yourself with those who love the inside too!) – you will see a wonderful transformation when you look in the mirror.

Have an amazing (and very loving) weekend.

I sometimes say this phrase when describing myself.  I don’t wear make-up (yet).  I don’t color my hair (yet!).  And, I’m usually pretty open about who I am and just how many personal flaws I can find in a day (a lot!).  But, maybe I should switch it around a bit.  Perhaps it should read, “What you get is what you align yourself with.”  In other words, it seems to me that the law of attraction and positive energy is not about what you get – it’s about aligning who you are with who you want to be.

I listened to a talk recently where the topic was the Energy of Attraction.  It was about us attracting what we put out there.  If we put out anger (another word for fear), we will get it back.  If we put out love or joy, we will get that back.  Like attracts like.  If you don’t like the energy you have out there right now – change it. When you change your energy, you change  your interactions and you change your path.

I’ve talked often about negative people I’ve had in my life.  And as I watched them move about their lives, I was constantly amazed at how much s*** happened to them.  I was also amazed at how angry and even more negative they would become about the “people” or “things” that were doing them wrong.  S*** happens to me too.  And sometimes it’s bad.  But I come at it a different way (not better or worse, just different).  I prefer to ask myself if I’ve attracted that energy at that moment and how am I going to change it to the positive?  My former SO used to tell me that my glasses were too rosy.  I don’t think so.  I like my glasses and I’m going to keep them for as long as I can!

Think about this: if you could change one thing about your life, what would it be?  And if it’s something you can’t change, then let it go.  Accept it and move to something else.  If it’s something you can change – put the energy toward it and watch what comes back.

I guess we have to be willing to align who we know we are with what we do in life.  We have to admit to f***ing up at times.  But our inner intention will always lead to an outward result.  And, let’s be honest: the inner and outer are inevitably connected.

Friends, if we choose inner happiness over suffering, we’ll make peace with the suffering.  And I think we’ll find the ability to get through life just a little bit easier.

Have an amazing day!

 

Do you ever feel like you’re not connecting with and focused on the dreams you have for your life (big picture)?  Sometimes, I get to Sunday night and realize how much I wanted to get done that didn’t get done (little picture).  Both of these feelings often lead me to thinking about my motivation.

Last year I read an article (I can’t even recall where), which discussed ways to stay motivated when you just don’t feel that motivated.  It talked about how often a lack of motivation comes from having too much negativity in your life.

At the time I read it, I was seeped in negativity and I really wasn’t reaching any of my goals or getting close to my dreams.  So, I took the article to heart – wrote down the list – and this is what I’ve followed:

1. Have an attitude of expectancy.  We get what we expect.  If we expect something great or inspirational, we’ll find it.  Actually, it’ll find us!

2. Take control over what you can and don’t worry about what you can’t.  I’ve learned that if I become too emotionally involved in something I have no control over, not only will I not be able to fix what’s happening, but I’ll end up standing still.  The only thing I can control is my actions and reactions.

3. Be with positive people. Negative people and conversations focus us on all the wrong things and take us away from the things we really should be focused on.  I was with someone recently who was very negative.  Rather than engage, I simply changed the topic – it’s best to stay neutral.

4. Use your words.  Words have a positive force in our lives.  Some people live by affirmations.  I live by simply saying thanks.  And when I do, I actually feel thankful.

5. Learn from your mistakes.  Look, we all make mistakes.  Sometimes we make the same ones over and over again.  The key is to eventually learn from it (and not beat yourself up is you are on repeat!).

6. Have a plan.  If you take the time to plan, it’s hard to miss something.  And, when on paper, it feels all the more urgent!

7. Celebrate you.  Always take time out to celebrate what you do, no matter how big or small the goal reached.  It will help you get to the next one.  Do one thing loving for yourself today – you deserve it!

8. Visualize your success.  Sometimes it’s motivating to just try to see what meeting your goals might look like – especially when you are in the middle of a tough life moment.  Seeing (in your mind) is believing.

Don’t you agree that an infectious, positive attitude can shift your entire life? Positive thoughts in your mind produce more positive results in your life.   When you purposefully infuse positivity into your life – I promise it will help you stay motivated!

Nothing is impossible, the word itself says “I’m possible!” Audrey Hepburn

Have a great day!

I met a woman last week.  She happened to be experiencing what’s happened to me many times, she was crying at a table at the coffee shop. I watched as she and a man fought and then he walked out. She sat there crying. I got up to leave, walked over to her and asked if she was ok.

She started to cry again, so I sat down.  She told me that she was in a bad relationship, he was mean, would yell, swear and cheat on her.  She knew she needed to leave but didn’t want to – or really, she was afraid to.  She’d begun to think it was her fault. (Was she there for me or me for her?)   Her mother had just died and she really didn’t want one more change, even though she knew what she had to do.

Why do we procrastinate when we know we shouldn’t? Why do we ignore the “to do” list when it just continues to frustrate us?  What causes us to become stagnant when we should be moving?  Does this sound like anyone you know?

This is a common theme for all of us.  We keep avoiding the difficult things we’re afraid to face.  It’s the “what if” syndrome:

• What if I f*** it up?
• What if I look stupid?
• What if, What if, What if?

These questions can kill us.  And, if we let them go too long, more worry and fear creeps in and we just can’t do anything.

I’ve avoided the pool for 5 months.  It’s a long story and I only have 500 words, but suffice it to say, it’s become an overwhelming fear of what kind of mind chatter I’ll have in there.  So, rather than dealing with it, I just stopped going. My worries become as big as an olympic pool!

This is what I told this young woman (and I really should be telling myself):

• Do it now.  When you let your mind ignore your gut, the fear will build until you can’t move. And, you’ll be wrong if you ignore your gut.
• Know your strengths and weaknesses and cover them for yourself during this period. Ask for help!
• Start with the easy and move to the hard. You don’t have to do it all at once. Sometimes just working on your mind before you act is the best thing you can do.
• Acknowledge your feelings.  Know that you’ve avoided these difficult task(s) because you don’t know how you will feel or accomplish them.  Acknowledging these feelings is often enough to just letting them go and getting something done.
• Know that you will become stronger – even if it’s just facing that to do list and not looking back!

So today, ever so quietly, I slipped into the pool all by myself and let my mind wander.  I was ok.  I really was.  And with that beautiful swim, I moved to another place. Take something off your list today. It’ll be freeing.

Have a great weekend!

I try to make a difference in the lives of others.  But what about me?  Am I taking care of making a difference in my own life?

I’ve been reading a book about fear (Susan Jeffers) and making changes in the face of those feelings.   My take away: We are the one (and only) person who can make a difference in our life.  We really are in control of our own happiness or misery.

For example, sometimes I allow my kids’ moods to frustrate me – that gives them control.  Clearly, I chose to stay in a destructive relationship for too long – I gave that power to someone else.  And, at times, I’ve let people affect how I felt about myself or something I was doing.  Why do we let other people have power over our lives rather than taking the power back where it rightly belongs?

Because it’s difficult to accept the fact that we’re the cause of the feelings we are feeling.

Don’t you think it’s easier to blame something else for our feelings?  If I say, “He did XX to me and that was really awful,” I don’t have to be responsible for my actions – staying when he did something awful.  People will do awful things to us.  And there’s no excuse. But let’s not allow ourselves to be the victim of someone else.  Let’s take control of our own happiness.

This is true in any situation.  I have a couple of friends who are unhappy in their jobs.  They stay because of money, fear, etc.  But, I want them to ponder this:

What am I not doing in my life that I could be doing that I’m blaming my job for not giving me?  

The key is figuring out what you want in life and acting on it.  What kind of job do you want?  What kind of relationship do you want with your kids, with your parents and with your partner?  That job is likely giving us all it can.  If we want more, we have to move on.  That unhealthy relationship?  Likely our partner is giving us all they’re capable of giving us. We can stay in an unhealthy relationship, deal with it or move on to someone who is capable of a healthy relationship.  You are in control of that choice.  You can make a difference in your own life.

My mantra (on my fridge!):

Be aware of the many choices you have – in both actions and feelings – in any situation that comes your way.  Choose the path that contributes to your growth and makes you feel at peace with yourself and others.  Susan Jeffers

Have a great day!

We spend a lot of our lives in the same way.  Not wanting to make changes.  Allowing things to just happen to us, rather than us happening to life.

As a kid, I hated routines.  I loved constant change and excitement.  As an adult, I don’t so much mind things staying the same – less drama.  But what I’ve recently discovered is that it doesn’t matter if your life is full of change, drama or just stays the same.  It doesn’t matter if you’re not exactly where you want to be.  Because no matter what you do or where you are – your life is already is beautiful.  Just open your eyes and you’ll see things differently.

I think we can likely agree that every day is a miracle and every day we are surrounded by miracles.  We just don’t recognize them because they enter our lives so quietly and effortlessly.  But, beauty is everywhere.

A friend recently asked me how I see and experience the things and people that I do.  I stumbled for an answer and all I could say was that I keep my eyes, ears and heart open.  It’s my form of mindfulness.

For example, I don’t walk around with my headphones in.  It prevents me from listening to what’s around me.  A bird chirping, people talking, the world happening.  I’ve also tried to eliminate my mind chatter (well most of the time).  Why talk with myself? I really make a point of trying to listen when people are talking with me.  When my mind drifts (and it will) I quickly bring it back.

I try to be generous.  But, generosity requires trust.  We have to believe in the person or in the notion of the person, in order to invest ourselves.  I find that generous people are optimistic. And optimistic people are happy because they choose to live in a world where they give without requiring anything back.  This isn’t always possible – we’re human.  But, even when I’m not being treated as I think I should – I still try to give my energy and love.  I know that there’ll be a lesson for me, albeit painful at times.

I really try not to judge.  I spent many years with someone who judged others.  It was frustrating and it frankly makes me unhappy to be with judgmental people.

I guess what I’m saying is let’s try to be a bit more present.  Let’s live our lives with the integrity.  Let’s not put money or objects (or fear) in front of people.  Let’s not allow one more second to pass without acknowledging the miracle of being here – as short or as long as we get.  It’s not perfect, but it’s what we’ve got.

Be open and see things (even one thing) differently today.

Have an amazing day!

I wish I could write a blog post that talks about how every day is completely amazing. Of course, it wouldn’t be totally truthful.  While I can say that every day has something amazing in it (and that’s one of the beautiful things about life), some days really aren’t great.  In fact, some days frankly feel very bad.

Usually we have those days because we’re hurt by someone we love or something we love. We feel angry, sad or confused and we dwell on the hurtful events or situations. We hold grudges filled with resentment and hostility. We allow negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings. Some people do this for their entire lives (I’ve learned that these people are too hard to be with long-term).

What do you do when you have those days?  When you feel swallowed up by your feelings of bitterness or sense of injustice? That’s a tough one, right? We’re taught to ignore, compartmentalize and walk away. We’re told to say, “I’m ok” – even when it doesn’t feel ok.

But, strangely enough, that’s my mantra.  Let me explain why:

During tough times, it can be hard to think about anything other than what’s causing us pain. We tend to live in our misery.  It feels endlessly painful. We feel like s*** and not very ok.  Yet, it’s these times that we see out how strong we are.  And actually, we find out that we really are Ok.

I’ve learned that rather than trying to pretend the pain doesn’t exist, the only way to understand what’s happening – the only way to get past it – is to experience my feelings and acknowledge them.  I have them.  I can’t shove them in a corner.  But what I can also do is say my mantra – “I’m ok.”

Why?  Because I am.  Because the truth is that no one – absolutely no one can do anything to me that would be so mean or hurtful or selfish that I would not be “ok.”  I will always be OK.

My mantra isn’t there to convince me of something that’s not true. I can (and should) still feel the pain, sadness and anger. But, even with those feelings – and sometimes with tears – I know deep in my heart that I’m ok.

So, my wonderful friends, please remember that no matter what happens to you – no matter how bad something might feel to you now  – or in the future – you will always be Ok.  You may have to find a new normal.  And, it may be awkward and very sad at first — But just know that you are (and will be) Ok.  

No one can take that truth away from you.

Have a wonderful day! XO

As you know, or suspect, I’ve made some big life changes (and I’m contemplating others!).  But sometimes, we moms (and dads) just have too much on our contemplative minds and, as a result, we don’t have our best parenting moments!  The other day was one of them for me.

While in the car, one of my sons asked me how well he could live on $1,200 per month.  I asked what he was thinking and he said, “Maybe I could play minor league ball.”  I, with my bitchy mom hat on, totally freaked.  “You need to go to college and graduate school!”  “You need to focus on real life, and a real job you love – not sports!”  (Although sometimes my obsession for my sports teams makes them “real life” to me).  He, as you would expect freaked back.  And, why not?  I had just crushed – no stomped – on his dreams.  I displayed a mom-really-sucks moment.   As expected, I apologized for that dumb (understatement!) move.  Next up was an issue with child number 1 – after which I could feel myself heading to the funny farm (and it didn’t feel very funny).

Later that evening, as I was looking and feeling like a failure, my other son came to me and said, “Mom, I’ve got your back.  I love you and you do a great job.  We’ll be ok. We’re all a family – no matter what.”  Now, that made me cry. 🙂

The thing about “family” is that we all have different experiences and different definitions. Some of us are part of a large family and some not.  Some have family all over the globe and some in town.  Some are emotionally close to their family and some aren’t.  Sometimes our family saves us.  And, sometimes our family puts us in our grave (figuratively – and sadly – literally).  Sometimes “family” includes people who aren’t biologically related to us.

But what do we know about anyone we consider “family?”  They embrace (most times!) our flaws.  They don’t shut us out.  They listen to our s*** over and over again.  They don’t judge.  We’re loved unconditionally.

Isn’t it great to know that you have people in your corner who love, support and care about you — the sometimes insane you?  People who don’t care how you look, how much money you have (or don’t) or how dumb you can be at times?  Doesn’t it just feel amazing?

Today, send this post to someone who fits that role for you.  A person who has your back and puts up with your s***.  Who loves you just the way you are, even when you’re being a jerk.  Who has no judgement about your love for them or their love for you.  Thank them.  They deserve it.  And today’s a perfect day to do it!

Have an amazing day!

And Love, thanks for having my back. I have yours too!

My father mentioned to me that he wished he’d acknowledged his age (to himself) much sooner in life.  I don’t have that problem.  I can acknowledge my age.  In fact, recently my age has been acknowledging me – actually smacking me!

A few weeks back, my daughter mentioned to me that the people in her class at the health club were “middle-aged.”  When I questioned her about their ages, she said, “In their 40’s.”  WTF?  So, I set a new house rule:  No matter what age I am — that’s middle age.  So, when I’m 60, I’m middle-aged!  When I’m 75, I’m still middle-aged!  When I’m 94 — well, I won’t be able to hear what she’s saying so she can call me whatever she wants (as long as she makes sure my glasses are clean and on my face)!

This weekend, I went to lift weights with a friend at the club.  Building muscle has been a difficult feat for me, given my “age.”   So, I decided I was going to disprove that myth with my friend.  Unfortunately, when I laid down under the bar to do some bench presses, I couldn’t even lift the bar  – and it was without any weights on the ends!  Ok, message #2 wacked me in the chest!

Yesterday, I was at the liquor store buying a few “things” and when I got to the counter I saw the sign: We Card Everyone.  My excitement was crushed when the cashier gently said, “No ID is necessary, Ma’am.”  Clearly not everyone (read: not middle-aged women) is carded!

So, in an effort to feel younger, I’m thinking I should avoid the following:

• Groaning when I bend down (or at least do it quietly)
• Buying my clothes and shoes for comfort rather than style (hmm, I better check my closet!)
• Needing an afternoon nap (and actually having the time to take one!)
• Wearing my glasses around my neck (to avoid misplacement)
• Misplacing my glasses or keys (only to find them in my hand)
• Enjoying the TV show, Pawn Shop
• Telling my kids I was born before the internet
• Enjoying crossword puzzles (While I was doing one yesterday, my son said to me, “I’m going to do these when I retire.”  He’s now grounded!)
• Drinking port (Although I did have my first martini last week!)
• Speaking my mind, even when I shouldn’t (pawn that one off to aging “woman” issues)

I had wine with someone recently who reached over, touched my arm and commented, “Your skin’s as soft as a baby’s.”  Hmm, now if I could just focus everyone’s attention on my arm skin rather than my lack of muscle or increasing wrinkles, I’d be golden (no pun intended!).

When grace is joined with wrinkles, it is adorable. There is an unspeakable dawn in happy old age. Victor Hugo

Thank g-d for Victor Hugo!  Have a great day!