theyearsafter50

Most times when I need something (a message), it seems to come to me.  I’m not sure why or how but it does.  I’m thankful for the opportunities and thankful that I can share them with you.

This week I went for a walk.  I needed some time to myself to think, without a kid calling my name, dishes needing to be washed or work to be done.  I just wanted one walk around one lake.

As I was walking I could see a man ahead of me with a white cane.  He seemed to have a hand over his eyes and was walking toward me.  I could also see that he was walking toward an area on the walkway that was submerged in water.  I could foresee a problem for him.

I ran up to him and told him that there was water ahead and asked if I could direct him around it.  He smiled and said, “Sure.”  As we walked he told me that he was holding his hands over his eyes to make everything completely dark.  He is losing his eyesight but currently he still can see light and shadows.  He was trying to walk his favorite lake to see what it would be like when he completely loses his sight.

I told him my grandfather lost his eye sight and that the crushing part for him was that he was an avid reader.  He told me that he loved reading too but that wasn’t what he was most afraid of losing.  (At this point we were at a bench and he asked if I could sit for a minute).

He told me that many years ago he met and completely fell in love with a woman. And although he didn’t initially “treat” her well, he realized her importance to him.  So, he made some changes and she eventually agreed to marry him.   He vowed that he would cherish her forever.  Since then, every morning, he looks into her eyes and enjoys the beauty of her face.  Over the years she’s gotten older – gotten wrinkles but he doesn’t care one bit – he loves looking at her as much now as he did then.  So, he said, his biggest feeling of sadness about his eyesight — that he won’t be able to look into her eyes every morning and see her age beautifully.

I started to cry.

I told him that I’ve heard many beautiful things in my life but this … well, I couldn’t even put words to it.

We got up, I took him to the path and wished him the best that life could offer.  He thanked me for helping (and listening) to him.  We hugged and he said, “You know what? I got the best that life could offer and I wake up next to her every morning.”

Deep sigh.  From life’s pain comes life’s beauty.

Have a wonderful day, my friends and keep your eyes wide open.  XO

I am not in the business of blogging every day (smile).  But yesterday I was given a “gift” and I really didn’t want to wait to share it with you.  It’s this:

The only way to let go of anything is to let go with love.

At first when I heard this, I caught myself starting to laugh. “Hey,” I said, I like my anger sometimes! And how can you really let go with love when you’re so hurt? It sounds good, but …”

But as I thought about it, I realized that when I allow anger to enter in to any life equation – it actually prevents me from letting go and moving on.  S***, I hate admitting when I’m wrong! 🙂

Let’s be honest here, it takes a lot of tears, hard work, and introspection to break the chains of our childhood and what we think are our life mistakes.  But, when we actually “get over” something, we have a feeling of freedom and contentment as we look back on the transformation.  It’s an amazing experience.

When I realized I had to leave my last firm, I was angry.  I blamed others.  But, as I examined the situation, I realized that I got gifts from the experience (as painful as it was) and that fact helped me leave with love and a healthy frame of mind, not anger.

So too with a relationship.  We’re often angry when it is clear that divorce or a break-up is on the horizon. But, blaming our partner for what’s happening is more painful than letting go.

In those cases where I’ve been able to see my former partner as the sensitive, flawed human being I fell in love with – the person I knew once had the capacity to love me, and the person I knew was hurting too … I was able to let go without anger.  That simple action afforded me the joy of being able to love life again, to see the beauty in every experience, to be non-judgmental and open to something new.

Here’s the secret message to letting go with love:

No time spent in a relationship or a job or any other situation, is ever wasted.

It’s critical to remember that every experience is a lesson.  Every situation brings gifts.  And only when we learn the lesson and appreciate the gifts, can we move on to something better.  So, there’s no reason to beat ourselves up for “staying too long” or “wasting time” — because there’s just no such thing!

She was right.  The only real option to letting go is to do it with love.  As always (cue to my kids to roll their eyes) – All You Need Is Love!

Have a wonderful day!

A friend gave me a gift this weekend – a book.  It has the most wonderful things in it and I want to share a few quotes with you.  Maybe they will inspire you as they have me:

The essential conditions of everything you do must be choice, love and passion.  Nadia Boulanger

We ought to be able to learn some things second-hand.  There is not enough time for us to make all the mistakes ourselves.  Harriet Hall

There are people who take the heart out of you, and there are people who put it back.  Elizabeth David

The best index to a person’s character is how he treats people who can’t do him any good – and how he treats people who can’t fight back.  Abigail Van Buren

Sandwich every bit of criticism between two layers of praise.  Mary Kay Ash

After the verb, “To Love” … “To Help” is the most beautiful verb in the world.  Bertha von Suttner

When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone.  Now I realize I should have been more specific.  Lilly Tomlin

The world is round and the place which may seem like the end, may also be only the beginning.  Ivy Baker Priest

Have a great start to this all-star week!

We are born this way.  Completely naked.  And frankly I think there’s a reason we come into this world without all the “dressings” of life.  We are free, open, totally transparent and ready to start life.  Who doesn’t like it like that? (Cue – scroll down and start the song below while you’re reading).

So, why can’t we be naked and transparent all the time?  Why can’t we just bare our soul to the world and show our true selves?  Why can’t we be open about our feelings, our hopes, our dreams and our love?  What the freak is stopping us?!

Most of us hide our essence.  We fear rejection, have low self-esteem or we’ve been hurt.  And all these things create uneasiness within us and lead to those negative tapes that drown out our essence.  But, our essence – our soul – is exactly the place transparency grows.

Friends, when we are open – when we allow ourselves to feel our emotions, we can enjoy our feelings rather than trying to fix them to match someone else’s.  When we’re open we can also give ourselves permission to feel and experience our feelings rather than look back and wonder about them.

I must caution you, however, about this thing called transparency must be experienced with those people you trust the most.  The ones who are non-judgmental – who love you unconditionally no matter what you do (or have done) or what you say.  You know those people when they come into your life.  And, if you’re like me, you’ve tried transparency with the right people (so fantastic!) and the wrong people (incredibly awful).  And, because we’ve all experienced the latter – we end up becoming afraid to get naked again.

My mother was the most transparent when she was listening to music.  Almost any kind of music; it was the beat for her … as you can hear in this song.  When she was dancing around in the kitchen (this is obviously where I get it!), the love, the emotions and the joy of life literally poured out of her.  It was beautiful. And, because she grew up in the Bronx – she had a love for latin music – hence today’s song.

So, my charge for you today is to dance to your favorite music, love the people who let you be you, those who want to love you, not judge you.  Enjoy some transparency and the absolute beauty of starting today as if everything was brand new.  Because my friends — it is brand new today!

How can you not like it like that?

Have a fantastic Sunday!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CIJfdVPACyw

 

Last night I read a short article that asked the question: How do you know when you’re settling for less? Have you ever settled somewhere in your life? I know I have.  

The article provided ways to tell if you’re settling:

• When you have to work yourself into a state of excitement rather than naturally feeling joy about what you’re doing, then you are settling.
• When you have to negotiate with yourself about doing something, rather than actually wanting to do it without forcing yourself, then you are settling.
• When you’re making excuses about why you are staying in the same (relationship, job) spot, then you are settling.
• When you spend more time complaining about what you have, rather than appreciating it, you are definitely settling.

Why do we settle? What is it about continuing on the same path that feels better than trying something that quite likely could feel better?  Why don’t we change jobs or relationships or other situations when we know they’re not the right fit?

I don’t think its laziness. I don’t think its lack of desire. I think its fear.

Fear — the grandfather of all reasons that we settle.  It’s the choice between the devil we know versus the devil we don’t know. It’s fear of failure, fear of success and fear that we’re not worthy.

I know fear. It’s one of my oldest and dearest friends. Fear has driven my life for many, many years. In fact, fear has a key to my cave – where I actually thought I went to hide from my fear!

How do we manage our fears to ensure we’re not living our life by settling? We do it by understanding and actually accepting that it’s okay to have good things in our life. That some times good things may come with a few hiccups, but that you are worth good things.   And, that fear is only created in our minds – we have control over our fears. Shocking, I know!

Once we understand and accept these truths, we learn that fear can actually stop us from settling! It can help motivate us to do better, to try new experiences and to break out from those unfulfilling situations.  Fear is really just a distorted and out of touch belief – one that we can choose to release and instead experience life through love and joy.

I’m working on this – letting go of fear thing.  It’s not easy.  Those tapes are super engrained.  But, I know one thing for sure — when I don’t settle I find myself moving toward more peaceful and joyful moments in my life.

So, let’s not settle.  Let’s make choices based on love, not fear.  When we love ourselves, there is absolutely no reason to settle.

Have a great weekend!

 

I’ve been wanting something lately.  And, as it turns out, it’s something I can’t (or shouldn’t) have right now.  That’s a tough one for me because I try not to “want” much and when I do, it’s usually something I also need.  But this “want” is a bit bigger and because it looks like it won’t happen, I’ve been thinking: Do I really need that which I want?

I was recently talking to a friend about our lives.  And, as we were talking, I realized we weren’t discussing things we needed in our lives – we were simply talking about our wants.  I think we all have a tendency to think like that.  And truthfully, often after we work hard to get something, and we eventually get it, we usually are not much happier.  Why?  Because most of the time what we want in life and in relationships is not what we need.  In other words, at the end of the day, just because we want it doesn’t mean it’s what we should have or that it will help us.

So, maybe I’m looking at this “want” of mine in the wrong way.  Rather than desiring the “thing” maybe I should be looking for the feeling that I would get from this “want.”  Know what I mean?

When we focus on the positive experiences we want out of life – not some item, new car, job, etc., we not only tend to produce those things we actually need, but it also makes it easier to produce the things we want too.   Think about this example: money.  When we focus on money it doesn’t make us more secure or free.  But focusing on producing security and freedom in our lives makes it easier to create financial success that goes along with our efforts to focus on the positive experiences.  Or weight – maybe we want to get to a particular weight.  But focusing on healthy eating or loving where we’re at, will likely produce better results.

The Rolling Stones had a chorus in their famous song:

You can’t always get what you want; But if you try sometimes, well you just might find  — you get what you need.

I’ve heard this song a million times (I likely did things in my young adulthood that I shouldn’t have to this song!).  But the words ring true.  We can’t always have what we want but maybe, if we’re lucky, we’ll get what we need!  That’s going to be my new focus.

Have a great day.

I was at Target yesterday in the return line and a couple was behind me with a number of items to return. They told me that they had just gotten married and were returning some gifts that were not on their registry.

As I was talking to them, he just kept putting his arm around her and watching her as she spoke – as if he was falling in love with her all over again, each time she opened her mouth.  He seemed mesmerized.  It felt beautiful.

Here’s the interesting thing – he was very attractive and she was not what one might expect as his love interest — actually, she was far from attractive. Bear with me … I know that sounds judgmental. I’ve got a message here.

I asked how they met: They met by chance many years ago. They dated but he didn’t want to stay in one relationship (he’s telling this story, BTW).  He said he was pretty “immature” (but not age-wise, he admits) and he just had no idea what he was doing in relationships.  Then one day, they ran into one another.  At the moment he saw her, he said, he realized that out of all the woman he’d dated no one had the heart and goodness that she had.  He realized that it was his own “issues” that forced him away from her.

All the time he was talking, she was standing quietly by with a cute smile on her face. Eventually, she chimed in: Yes, their story seemed dreamy.  But, she said, they are just like everyone else. While they have “issues,” they’ve decided to look at their “negatives” as “positives.”  And, she told me, they use those “differences,” as she called them, as the “glue” that holds them together rather than pulling them apart.

As I listened to their story, I wanted to cry.  I was happy for them.  But I also realized how many times  we allow the things we don’t like about a person to divide rather than bring us together – Whether with our loved ones, people we work with, our families and even ourselves.

Who knows, of course, how it will end up for them.  But the conversation reminded me that love is the craziest thing.

I know it’s not impossible to find someone who seems to fit perfectly with you – because I’ve seen it and, it’s impossible not to be in awe of that. But love doesn’t fit into a neat box based on size, color or gender.  Sometimes love is slow to develop, sometimes it explodes, sometimes it shatters our expectations and sometimes it leaves us hurt and exhausted.  But, it’s love.  And, whether we have it now, had it once or will have it in the future –  it’s still the most awesome and worthwhile thing of all.   And, I got to find it in Target this weekend.  How lucky am I? 🙂

Enjoy the rest of your weekend and have a fantastic start to your week!!

 

 

I wasn’t going to post today.  But I woke up and two words popped into my brain – “reset button.”  So, here I am – giving it to you.

I’ve said this before – I’m not a lover of holidays.  I’ve always judged the holidays on who I didn’t have with me.  For many years I was in a “situation” where holidays were never spent together.  It was so crushing for me and I never could get the situation to change (or get this person to “hear” my feelings about it).

But I’ve changed in the last year or so and I’ve learned to reset my feelings on this a bit.   So, this morning, I woke up and realized that my reset on the holidays should be to focus on love (for me and my life), not who is or is not with me.

Generally holidays are focused on doing a million things and going a million places.  And, that’s ok.  But in doing those things, focus on the love you have in the moment for the people you are with and those who are no longer a part of your every day life.  Don’t worry about what’s not there or what you are not doing.  

Today’s holiday has great meaning and a double meaning for me (pun intended – Happy Birthday boys!).   Yet, we’ve got to remember that these exact moments of love and connection will never come again in the same way.  This is it.  And, if we focus on that – maybe we can take a quiet moment to reset, to help remember the feelings of love we (should) have for ourselves and the joy and appreciation for those we’ve had in our lives – whether with us or not.  Oh, and BTW – let’s also be thankful for the chance at one more “holiday!”

Happy Fourth of July!  XO

The 4th of July always marks the birth of my amazing twins and the acknowledgment of the death of my mother. From this day to the date of her death, six weeks later in August, I often live quietly.  I keep my eyes open, I look for change and I spend time contemplating life.

Last year at this time, I found a list of things that are “givens” in life.  I can’t even recall where they came from.  I want to share my paraphrased version with you:

1. Your thoughts create your reality.  You feel the way you feel right now because of the thoughts you are thinking, and you are where you are right now because of the thoughts you have thought over and over again. If the thoughts are pure, positive and empowering, you will create positive and empowering beliefs about yourself and about life.

2. You will regret the chances you didn’t take. The things you didn’t do when you had the chance. That priceless relationship you neglected or allowed to walk away out of fear. Those important words you left unspoken.  It’s not too late to set things straight. You’re still here breathing. You can change your future.

3. Change is the only constant thing in life.  No matter how hard you try to avoid change, doing so is simply impossible. Period.

4. You judge others for the deficiencies you haven’t yet accepted in yourself. The traits you dislike in others are mostly just a reflection of the traits you dislike in yourself. This concept can be difficult to grasp, especially when you think you are right!

5. You have far less control over the behavior of others than you think. Isn’t it funny how the closer you are to a person the higher your expectations are and the more rights you think you have to control their time and behavior?

6. You are what’s on the inside. When you are happy and satisfied with yourself personally, no matter how negative people might act toward you at times, you stay calm, responding out of love and confidence to their behavior – for that is who you are on the inside and you give out that which is within.

7. You can’t force love in relationships. Love between two people comes because both people want to share their love, not because YOU want it from the other person. Your family, friends, co-workers, lovers – they all love you because they choose to. Love is meant to be felt, enjoyed and lived.

8. Sometimes the only healthy option is to move on. When the time comes to move beyond certain things, ideas, or people, don’t resist it.  Allow yourself to move beyond the past on your path to happiness.

9. Life as it is now doesn’t last forever. Nothing lasts forever, and this is exactly why you need to learn to detach from things, places and people in your life. When the time comes to say goodbye, let them go.

Have an amazing and safe holiday weekend. XO

Yesterday was a long and tough day.  Every day lately I seem to get thrown unpleasant twists on the same old themes (I know that something good is coming soon!).  I’m feeling tired of being there for everyone around me but not really taking care of me … I know you know that feeling!  So, last night, as I slowly walked down the road to the ball field to watch my guys, I seriously thought about turning around, running home, getting in bed and waiting for tomorrow.

But when I got to the ball field, there were my friends – those from my side of the fence and those on the other.  I immediately felt better seeing them.  It’s energizing to connect with people who care … and are happy to connect about nothing!

In one of my chatter-filled conversations, I made a mental note to be present and not take the moment for granted.  It was only a split second but it was enough to develop an immediate sense of gratitude.

Look, s*** happens all the time.  But, we can choose to wallow in it or we can choose to be thankful at any time.  And, we can choose gratitude for a day, an hour or even a minute.  What helps us find gratitude?

1. Relationships:  Friends and those who truly love you make it easy to feel gratitude. Be thankful for the compliments your friends give you, for the checks they pick up, for just being there — and it won’t be long before you’ll have even more friends to be thankful for.

2. Health:  Be thankful for what you have.  My friend called me last night to tell me her niece was paralyzed in a horrible accident — she’s alive, however.  Gratitude, my friends.

3. Practice: Practice gratitude.  It will just build in you and I promise you will feel healthier and happier.  Try it for one second today.

3.Strangers:  Yesterday a stranger hugged me.  I was crying on the phone at a coffee shop and he came over to hug me, bought me a cookie and left.  I’m gluten free but who cares … it was great!  Reach out to a stranger and you’ll feel gratitude as will he/she.

4. Your beliefs. It doesn’t matter whether you’re Christian, Jewish, Buddhist, devoted Yogi or just a lover of the sun — no matter what you believe about how it all ends, (or if you believe in nothing), the goal here is to find gratitude in your every day life and find your purpose.

So baseball friends – you quietly saved me yesterday by allowing me to just be.  Thanks for that!

To all you blog readers — with numbers growing at an amazing rate – I feel gratitude for you.  You allow me to be totally open (brutally so) and I hope in some way, it helps us both move through this amazing thing called Life.

Today’s (everyday’s) mantra:  My life isn’t perfect, but I’m thankful for everything and everybody in it.

Have a great day!